This episode of Game of Crowns can be summed up by the following statement: Nick the cop is crazy. After last week’s TMZ report of Nick biting Vanassa Sebastian’s husband’s ear not once, but twice, during a brawl at the “non Bravo sanctioned” GOC preview party, one can only watch Nick’s antics toward the ladies in last night’s episode with a tainted lens – otherwise known as totally accurate judgment. Oh, and besides getting screamed at and threatened by Leha Guilmette’s husband (and his father!), the ladies also competed in a Mrs. America pageant. So, let’s get to it.
We’re reminded that Lori-Ann Marchese and Leha are both in Arizona competing for Mrs. America while Shelley Carbone, Vanassa, and Susanna Paliotta are flying down to bet on them like racehorses support them. We pick up outside of the airport where Vanassa and Susanna’s matchy-matchy twinkie jumpsuits caused a major blowout, with both women screaming insults at each other. The trio manages to load their luggage into the car, get to the hotel, and choose appropriately distanced bedrooms from their respective frenemies despite the drama. Once there, Susanna takes Vanassa aside to “work through their issues.” Susanna claims she feels bad for Vanassa because Vanassa is the “typical alpha male” who needs to “pee on everything to mark her territory.” Ironic coming from the woman who went to great lengths to wear the same tacky jumpsuit as Vanassa with the express purpose of starting World War Who Cares.
Vanassa and Susanna sit down and, in a hilarious sequence, Vanassa cooly applies lip gloss while more or less instructing Susanna to apologize to her. Susanna complies. Side note: on WWHL last night, Vanassa tells Andy Cohen that she couldn’t have cared less about Susanna’s forced apology and that she was thinking of her next Neiman Marcus purchase as Susanna’s lips were moving. Vanassa also bequeathed the hideous jumpsuit in question to Andy and gave him a mini-Native American doll donning a mini hideous jumpsuit and sparkly crown!! The jumpsuit has taken on a life of its own, people. This thing is getting meta! After Susanna tells Vanassa “what she wants to hear,” the ladies agree to go have fun for the rest of the trip.
Meanwhile, Lori-Ann complains that “there is, like, a lot of activities” the contestants are made to partake in on this trip and she needs to take a crap, man! The six-minute potty breaks are not cutting it for her regular crapping schedule. Perhaps that’s why they are made to wear diapers as swimsuits? Ah, and it all comes full circle. The contestants are shown handing over a slew of sports-themed gifts to the mayor of Tucson. Leha decides to break from tradition and not bribe the local official in the manner to which he has grown accustomed – she hands him a gift basket of weird foods that represent her home state of Rhode Island. All I can say is there better be some Portugese chourico in there, mamacita!
The “supporters” (Lynne, Vanassa, Susanna, and Shelley) head to dinner in some Hampton Inn conference room whilst dressed in prom gear. They claim that they are like NFL players before the Big Game discussing the intricate strategies (of butt glue?) in the game to come. Now, ladies and gents, let us commence with the introduction of my new favorite insult: The Forty Footer!! Vanassa calls Leha a “40-Footer” because, she claims, Leha doesn’t look beautiful up close and only wows the judges from 40 feet away. I would argue that Vanassa could only wow the judges if they all wore 3-inch thick spectacles smeared in mayonnaise, but whatever. The ladies throw shade Leha’s way with abandon, with Shelley commenting that they even call Leha “Tranny Barbie” behind her back because, “she’s a bit mannish, what’ryagonnado?” This aging den of vipers then starts to bet on Leha and Lori-Ann’s chances of placing in the pageant. Here are the bets: Lynne says Leha will place in the top three while Lori-Ann will not place at all. Vanassa says neither one will place. Shelley bets on Leha making the top 10, no place for Lori-Ann. Susanna bets that both Leha and Lori-Ann will place in the top 10. As the camera cuts to a shot of a hairy tarantula crawling along the desert sand, we cut back to Vanassa’s face (Agghhh!! scary..well, the latter shot) saying “cheers to us!” and toasting themselves being nasty wenches and terrible friends.
Now on to the pageant where Lori-Ann feels like a “big old mess” with a bun on her head and Vanassa’s Native American costume on her body. She longs for her much-maligned Red Robin costume, which she felt more comfortable in. Leha is ready to go in her “Sexy Uncle Sam” (a phrase I don’t think we’ve ever heard or will ever hear in any normal circle) costume. The, um, supporters travel to the pageant and take their seats in the audience directly in front of Leha’s husband and sweet little son and daughter…who will later sadly be collateral damage in Nick’s off-his-meds meltdown. Oh, Lord. Here comes the parade of Mrs. America contestants in full state-themed costumes that range from gawdy to bizarre to sad to downright depressing. Someone is dressed as a bumblebee. WTH? Leha’s hubby Nick is in the audience clapping and whistling while Leha comments that Nick is her biggest supporter and “very protective” of her. “Protective” may be the safe word they’ve chosen to describe his behavior for the cameras. You say protective, I say psychotic! You say supportive, I say cannibalistic! Tomato, Tomahto! Lalalalala.
Evening gowns are next. The best part of this segment is the fact that each contestant must march their hubby up on stage and introduce him while he looks like he’d rather eat a bag of broken glass. Nick is marched up to the microphone by Leha, who is – no exaggeration – a full head (and possibly shoulders?) taller than him. The shrews in the audience comment on this unfortunate situation. Short-man syndrome is a real thing, people. And we’re about to see some rage from this emasculated and vertically challenged dude in just a few minutes.
Diaper swimsuits on parade! As the ladies in the audience watch and clap during this portion of the pageant, Nick begins heckling them, claiming they’re only clapping for Lori-Ann and not Leha. The ladies stoically ignore his dumb ass. We’re reminded of the ladies’ bet on Lori-Ann and Leha placing in the pageant. Leha places in the top ten while Lori-Ann doesn’t place at all. It’s okay, Lori-Ann! A loss, in this case, may be a win for you in the long term. Lori-Ann says “it sucks,” but she’s a good loser. I’m a fan of Lori-Ann’s roll-with-the-punches attitude. She also dives into a giant bag of chocolate that the non-top-10 contestants are ravaging back stage (is this the loser buffet of which Vanassa previously foretold?).
The top 10 is whittled down to the top 3 and ….drum roll…Leha doesn’t make the final cut. At this moment, Shelley realizes she’s won the bet and starts doing a happy dance while the four witches all cackle and shriek. Nick sees this behavior just after Leha’s hopes have been dashed on stage and reacts protectively and assertively, asking the ladies nicely to quiet down, to use nice supportive words, and to make good choices. Hahahahaha!! Juuuust kidding. Nick flips out and shouts, “Hey why is that funny?!?” several times before launching into a slew of insults at the women for dogging his wife, as he sees it. Shelley tries to explain that they weren’t laughing at Leha, that is was an inside joke, but Nick is not having it. He is literally leaning over his daughter to yell at the women and finally storms off after calling them all “F-ing twats.”
While backstage management tries to calm Nick down, Nick’s father Ron gets involved. Nick returns to the audience after Lynne has already told the ladies that, as a cop, Nick carries a gun and will “shoot all of us.” I’d say Lynne is being a bit overly dramatic, but in light of the ear-biting incident, well…thanks for the warning, Lynne! Upon Nick’s return, Susanna gets into it with him by telling Nick that her husband will tangle with him if he keeps it up. Nick’s father asks Susanna, “how would you like him dead?” thereby threatening Susanna’s husband’s life…at a pageant…in Arizona…while butt glue is being applied backstage…??? This is all so trippy and Goodfellas-meets-Prom Night, I can’t handle it. On a serious note, I also can’t handle the fact that Nick and Leha’s kids are witness to all of this trash coming out of their father (and grandpa’s!) mouth. Nick holds his daughter out in the hallway while she cries later, at least.
Meanwhile, Mrs. Texas wins, Shelley’s pick from the beginning. Shelley is quite pleased with herself that her horse came in first. Shelley is quite pleased with herself in general, I think. Backstage, Leha feels disappointed but proud that she placed in the top 10. Lori-Ann reports that the Mrs. America pageant is off her bucket list and she is dunzo. Nick tells Leha about the drama that ensued out in the audience and tells Leha the other girls are just jealous because they’re not even fit to “shine her shoes.” Again, I feel that this line has been lifted directly from a Scorsese film and deposited into this poor-man’s pageant show. Leha and Nick then go to Lori-Ann’s hotel room to discuss the matter with her and her husband John, who literally calls Lori-Ann his “fatty wife” when she is too exhausted to answer the door.
Let’s pause here to appreciate the fine male specimens who are the esteemed life partners of these GOC women. Can’t wait to meet the rest of these quality gents in future episodes.
Lori-Ann sympathizes with Nick’s very, very whitewashed reporting of events until Vanassa’s coven calls her to give her their take on the debacle. Lori-Ann doesn’t know who to believe, but she also looks like she’s thinking, “meh, who cares…bitches be crazy” and promptly propositions her husband to make whoopie. Lori-Ann does think it’s BS to bet on your friends in the first place, which I wholeheartedly agree with. Go to bed with dogs, wake up with fleas, Lori-Ann! Get out while you’re still in your HAWT MOWMENT!! Speaking of HAWTness, back in their hotel room Vanassa and crew all congratulate themselves on looking mighty fine – yessiree! – at tonight’s pageant. Lynne verbally high fives herself on her choice of mermaid costume dress while Vanassa says, “cheers to my face tonight!” Her words are met with resounding “yups” from the other exhausted women.
Because Susanna lost the bet in AZ, she has to pay up in the form of Glitzy Girl jewelry (Susanna’s company). Vanassa and Shelley try on a few skull-themed wrist cuffs while Vanassa hates on Susanna’s jewelry design and Shelley suggests getting all of the girls together to discuss Nick’s explosion with Leha. Cut to Leha and Nick in a restaurant also discussing the incident where Nick claims he is “not a drama guy.” Hmmmmm. Let’s remember that statement for future ear-chomping-at-preview-party-moments, shall we? Leha agrees to meet the ladies for dinner later that week.
Shelley shows up to the fateful dinner sit-down dressed in some sort of Grace Kelly white hooded, filmy jacket/dress (which I kind of looove!) and says she wants to tell Leha this: “I was not happy that she lost. I was just happy that I won. And there’s a very big difference.” Shelley is the shadiest shade-thrower of them all because of statements like this. She may not threaten people directly, but she is always playing the game. Play on, playa! Susanna and Lynne are wearing matchy-matchy junior prom dresses to dinner. Vanassa comments that Susanna’s copying has gone from airport-wear to formalwear. I’d note that it’s also gone from bad to worse since these matching dresses are just painfully U.G.L.Y. They ain’t got no alibi. Leha arrives last and says she may have to leave early if her babysitter calls. The ladies tell Leha that her husband is basically a d-bag who threatened and frightened them all. They simultaneously underplay their own devious doings in BETTING on Leha and Lori-Ann (to basically lose) in the pageant. Side note: my husband spontaneously shouted, “these women are liars!” while watching this scene and I’m like, Duh! (It’s his first foray into watching a Bravo bitchfest, after all, so it’s okay.)
Leha is not hearing the smack-talk about her husband, so she starts telepathically sending Nick messages to repeatedly call her..which he does. Her phone is blowing up while Lynne claims – out of nowhere! – that Nick threatened to KILL her at the pageant. The other ladies comment that Lynne is a wackodoodle for claiming this, and Leha says Lynne is a liar, period. On that bizarre note, Leha lies that the babysitter is calling her (hello, Nick!) and flees the restaurant into Nick’s getaway vehicle parked right outside.
Bottom line: Nick has muchos anger management issues, Lynne is a drama-sniffer who just sniffed her a darn good opportunity to get a bigger storyline, Lori-Ann is smarter than she appears for staying on the outside of this hot mess, and Leha’s children are in need of more hugs and less camera time. Stay tuned for more drama, death threats, and sparkly crowns on next week’s Game of Crowns!
Recap Author: Erin M.
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Photo Credit: BravoTV