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In last night’s Game of Crowns, the ladies compete in the Ms. New England States pageant. Lynne Diamante plans her fifteenth wedding. Susanna Paliotta’s jumpsuit stylist gets caught in a hornets’ nest. And Vanassa Sebastian, like the mighty eye of Sauron, gathers her army of orcs and seeks one crown to rule them all! Bwahahahaha.

We begin 5 days before the Ms. New England States pageant, a charity event in which Lori-Ann Marchese, Leha Guilmette, Lynne, and Susanna will all compete. Susanna shops for a new gown in one of the tackiest shops I’ve ever seen. Her stylist Anthony helps her choose a dress that will “speak for her.” Susanna’s eldest daughter Victoria meets her at the shop and we learn that she survived a facial injury her senior year that resulted from a teen bullying incident. Victoria entered pageants after reconstructive surgery to rebuild her confidence. Good for her. Hope she stops competing before the world of Mrs. Pageants transform her into a steaming pile of poo like her mom and company.

Over at Shelley Carbone’s house, Vanassa and Leha are sitting down for a spot of tea and confrontation. Leha immediately calls the women on their mean-girl comments about her being a 40-footer, man-vestite, etc…and Shelley quickly apologizes for hurting her. Vanassa apologizes in a nasty sort of way by saying, “If I say something, I own it (like you’re ugly?!), but…I’m sorry.” Vanassa and Shelley are pissed that Lynne threw them under the bus by revealing their insults to Leha, and I have to wonder if these women understand that literal camera crews are following them around actually recording them saying this drivel in the first place. Your secret smack talk ain’t so secret, ladies.

Now we’re over at Lynne’s husband’s office where they discuss their 15th wedding vow renewal. Lynne wants to celebrate her Lebanese heritage in tribute to her father, who died just before her first wedding. This year’s renewal will feature a butterfly release, a guest list of their closest frenemies (minus Leha), and a gaudy choker of plastic blue “jewels” to match Lynne’s plastic blue hair.

Over at Foxwoods, Vanassa and her daughter Tyah and husband Bryan go bowling. Vanassa decides “last minute” (har! Ok, I’ll play along…) to compete in the upcoming Ms. New England States pageant at the encouragement of her hubby and daughter and, of course, because it’s for charity. Yup. Charity is truly at the heart of it all, people. She informs Bryan that she’ll need new Louboutins to compete. Because, again, it’s all for charity!

Shelley stops by Lynne’s husband’s eye clinic to confront her about telling Leha about all of her nasty comments. She professes to be SHOCKED and HURT at being outed as a total wanker. Lynne gives another pageant answer of apology and commences to discuss her upcoming vow renewal. She cries some pageant tears while Shelley pageant hugs her. Lynne asks Shelley to read a poem at her vow renewal, but I wonder if homegirl understands that Shelley had to practice pronouncing “prestigious” in the mirror like 400 times before her last speaking engagement. It didn’t work out well.

Here comes pageant day! The ladies arrive with something called “charity boxes” which I have zero idea what the point is here. They look like middle school papier mache projects. Susanna’s box is huge and blue and my 4-year old daughter would be delighted to take it off her hands to use as a clubhouse. But hence, the 40-year olds need them more I guess.

Pageant rehearsal consists of walking, pausing, turning, swaying and adding a “snap” at the end. Yes, the ladies are forced to practice this. Next stop, splitting the atom! As the turning and swaying commences, Vanassa walks in 45 minutes late and Susanna’s eyes look like they are going to pop out of her Italian head. Vanassa has accomplished the shock value moment she was going for. The ladies are none too pleased to learn that she has entered the competition. Lynne is especially miffed that Leha and Vanassa seem so suddenly chummy, commenting that they’re as close as “two balls hanging out under a dick.” And wow. I hope she uses this line in the interview portion of the pageant. It’s prestigious! It’s for charity!!

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Susanna and Vanassa hang out by Susanna’s giant blue box discussing why Vanassa entered the pageant at the last minute. “I just thought it would be a great opportunity just…to kinda beat you on stage. Sorry I’m not sorry!” Vanassa screeches. And there we have it. Vanassa comes to win, not to eat the loser buffet.

In the next classy pre-pageant moment, Lynne bequeaths her used – yes used – cuchini to Vanassa. This is a gangsta move, I must say, and I wish I’d thought of it first. Hahahahahahahaha!!!! Vanassa promptly returns the, uh, gift and explains that she doesn’t have labia hanging down to her knees so no cuchini needed here, thanks. Lynne says no one is immune from camel toe. And I need to stop typing about this conversation now.

Moving on to Lori-Ann’s pageant prep, she confesses regret at looking like Mary Poppins at the last pageant just because the other ladies told her to tone herself down. She’s going in sexy this time, y’all! Hair down, diaper off.

Drama alert! Anthony,  Susanna’s stylist, shows up backstage and Vanassa is not happy. He is responsible for selling the matching tacky jumpsuits to both Vanassa and Susanna that caused muchos problemos back at the airport.     

Let the pageant begin! After their intro walk, the ladies butt-glue themselves into their swimsuits while Leha kisses Vanassa’s ass (No, Leha! Don’t go to the dark side!!) and Vanassa asks some poor shmuck backstage to help her hide her back fat. Whoa! I just saw Leha’s full-tilt scary husband Nick in the audience and silently prayed that he makes good choices today, keeps his hands to himself, and uses his inside voice. My child’s preschool rules ALL apply to Nick.

Next up, bedazzled evening gowns! (Seriously, where do they find these getups??) Lori-Ann’s friends are in the audience cheerfully hooting and hollering in support of their girl and I hope Shelley is taking notes on how non-terrible friends should act when claiming to “support” someone.

Finalists are announced and they include: Vanassa, Lori-Ann, and Lynne, and Leha. Burn, Susanna!! No soup for you. Off to the loser buffet you go. The finalists interview on stage about their respective charities and we are given the top four. Lori-Ann places fourth, Leha third, Lynne second and – wait for it! – Vanassa FIRST. Gaggggggg. Shelley drapes a crown and sash over the witch. And that’s that. Well, let’s see how this news settles with Susanna backstage. I’m guessing she will be happy and gracious and supportive of her good friend Vanassa, just as adult female pageant contestants all profess to be.

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Lori-Ann’s sweet friends come back stage to cheer her up, telling her she looked twelve years old compared to all of the other old hags on stage. Word. Lori-Ann doesn’t understand what the judges are looking for if they’re awarding the title to Vanassa, who looks like she’s butt-glued her eyebrows to her hairline. Run, Lori-Ann, run!! It’s not too late for you to get off this pageant crazy train!!

In a totally predictable shocking twist of events backstage, Vanassa, Susanna, and matching-jumpsuits-stylist Anthony get into an argument over…what else? Matching f-ing jumpsuits. Susanna tries to shut Vanassa down by reminding her that kids are present, but Vanassa – in full crown and sash – will not be shushed, damn it! She tells Anthony that he is not worth her time. Lynne and Shelley whisper about how Vanassa is acting: “OMG, with the crown on? With the CROWN on?” they whisper-shriek behind Vanassa’s back. As if the crown has some magical powers of transforming its wearer in to a rational, empathetic, mature woman. Vanassa threatens to go get her husband so Anthony and he can fight “man to man.” Watch it, V. Your hubby’s about to go man-to-man with Nick in a few months and he comes out of that tussle with half an ear missing.

On next week’s GOC, the husbands do enter the fighting ring backstage and Nick confronts Lynne about the alleged death threat. The women continue to act like Class A Morons. And the kids stand around traumatically witnessing the whole thing. Remember, it’s all for charity.

TELL US – IS THIS SHOW A TRAINWRECK? ARE YOU WATCHING OR LOOKING AWAY? 

Recap Author – Erin M.

Photo Credit: Bravo

    

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