If ever there was a reason for Sig Hansen to finally speak on Celebrity Apprentice, it was while captaining a booze cruise around New York City. Unfortunately someone had to walk the plank! I say I’m fabulous, but The Donald says you’re fired! Now Twirl. Twirl. Twirl. Twirl. Dizzy yet?
CA is moving full-speed ahead through a series of rapid eliminations as they prepare for their LIVE two-hour finale (when editing and producers cannot control the full-scale unleashed crazy of Kenya “Krayonce” Moore and Brandi “Boozdi” Glanville!).
So let’s talk Krayonce, shall we. Oooooh boy! Everybody knows I do not particularly care for the wheels off the underground railroad train that is Kenya’s runaway antics. As someone said on twitter (bless you) “TooFar” is Kenya’s middle name. While I have to appreciate her, shall we say, passionate nature, Kenya always goes OVERBOARD. Last night was the ultimate converging of “Real Housewives Of Atlanta Kenya” and “attempting to revamp my image sophisticated CA Kenya.” Somewhere, Donald Trump and Andy Cohen are in a PTSD clinic, known as WWHL, guzzling a much-needed drink. We’ll cover all the Kenyanigans later.
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Kenya can sometimes make sense – she can act and talk a good game, but woven between the lucid and the fun, is the attention-seeking cyclone known as “Twirl” and when that thread comes loose, do. not. pull. Krayonce says she’s fabulous – well somebody’s got to and better her than me!
First the teams create themes for a Circle Line party cruise around NYC. It must be a party for all-ages, however, and include an informational tour. Brandi, “excelling” in partying as she does, steps up as PM for her team, while Seaman Sig rises to the challenge of leading Pirate Geraldo Rivera, Vivica and Kate Gosselin. After initially enduring 45,000 of Geraldo’s heart-wrenching ways to honor NYC’s legacy – terrorists! NYPD! Fire Department! Mayor Giuliani! – they decided their theme should be “Sexiest Catch”, cause it’s like Deadliest Catch but sexier – get it. Right – Sexiest Catch and Geraldo do not go together! Just ask his 4 ex-wives.
Sig has the brilliant idea to invite Hooters waitresses on the cruise to offset the negative sex appeal of Geraldo and himself. Kate and Vivica question if Hooters really coincides with “FAMILY,” but Geraldo and Sig are lost in thought of getting paid to leer at Hooters girls and dismiss the ladies’ opinions. Geraldo trilled about “Hootering up this whole vessel!” Do what you will with that double-entendre laden sentence. Hooters appears to be the extent of their theme. Kate and Vivica did a lot of open-mouthed gaping throughout this process. Sig did a lot of ranting and storming around in an impersonation of The Hulk – women think man-trums are sexy, you guys!!!
On the day of the cruise, the bartenders are late and Sig’s xanax didn’t kick in in time either, he started freaking while Kate pacified him using tips she learned dealing with 8 kids – namely get the tranquilizer gun out and put on Calliou. When the Hooters gals arrive, Geraldo and Sig are distracted, so Vivica and Kate can get down to business.
Geraldo is the tour guide, because hearing Geraldo’s voice non-stop over a loudspeaker would not make anyone consider jumping overboard. Speaking of overboard, Geraldo goes there – first when he does a prolonged “Screw the terrorists” rant, then he enquires about why Hooters girls are sexy and tells one of the waitresses she is making them all happy (future ex-wife number 6?!). Kate, who did not appall me this episode (WHAT IS THE WORLD COMING TO?!), fretted from a distance and then gently commandeered the mic to direct people to the appetizers. “Geraldo took things a little too far,” she explained. “It started worrying me.” Geraldo taking things too far? Well, I never!
On the other boat, Geraldo’s soul-sista Kenya was also about to take things too far! First of all since this is a cruise around NEW YORK CITY, Kenya and Ian Ziering want a Mardi Gras theme. Brandi recognizes, in her non-wine state, they are trying to sabotage her, but does nothing to stop it until, during a quiet moment with Johnny Damon, he mentions that Mardi Gras doesn’t really connect with NYC. Did no one think of Coney Island if they wanted to do a carnival?
Bolstered by support, Brandi marches over to her team and nixes Mardi Gras. Kenya’s eyes see red and start to glow – which inspires Brandi and Leeza Gibbons – what about a Big Apple Bonanza theme and everything will be red. Kenya’s appetite for destruction veers her toward suggesting she perform her
shit single “Gone With The Wind Fabulous.” Instead of mocking her, Brandi decides to “feed Kenya’s narcissism” by giving her enough rope to hang herself with. “I figure if we lose, and it’s because of Kenya’s song, I can just blame her,” Brandi explains, adding that she doesn’t trust Kenya as far as she can throw her, “And I can’t even pick that bitch up!”
Everyone puts on their favorite red outfit, Leeza does an excellent job leading the tour, a non-offensive boyband sang some tunes, drinks were passed, Ian did his signature Chippendales moves, minus the clothing removal parts, and then Kenya took the stage. All was going well until: “You say I’m old, I say I’m fabulous!” Which left people wondering – who is this person, and why does she think she’s fabulous? She’s performing on a D-list booze cruise on a set of no-skid mats using life vests as props?
At first people seemed think it was a joke, then they realized it wasn’t when Kenya dropped to the ground and started gyrating! One frantic mother covered her daughter’s eyes. Then came a conga line, much improved in the appropriate department. Ian, still on his twirling whirling dervish of excitement after one too many Big Apple Bonanza Bombers, got way too into it. He was still twirling long after the music stopped. “That is so fun!” he gushed, fist pumping into empty air, suddenly realizing everyone had left the boat but the cleaning crew and one of Kenya’s backup dancers.
Despite Kenya’s performance, which was universally panned by boat-goers, Brandi’s team won. I was glad, because her charity is Make A Wish, and I was pleased to see Brandi rise to a challenge instead sinking to the depths. Sig lost, and was fired but Donald donated $20,000 to the Coast Guard Foundation and Geraldo announced he was throwing in an additional $40,000 more, which was nice.
Strolling back into the lobby, Geraldo smirks that another one bites the dust, which gets Leeza thinking – Geraldo is doing this on purpose! Smoothly and suavely sabotaging his teammates so covertly they don’t even recognize it’s happening. They exchange eye contact. “She is onto me!” muses Geraldo, “I must do something to distract again! I know – how about a selfie of me in my underwear, that will keep her under my spell!” Leeza’s feathers are not ruffled – neither is her forehead.
The next challenge Donald switches up teams and sends Kenya over to Team Vortex, she is thrilled to get away from Brandi, who is thrilled likewise.
I didn’t really get what the next challenge was but it involved saying the name “Trump” every 5 seconds and for a few fleeting moments I thought everyone was going to board a plane to Miami. They have to create some sort of interactive experience demonstrating how unimpeachably luxe the Trump National Doral hotel and golf course is, “World-class baby!” as described by Geraldo, who is intimately acquainted with its myriad of holes, little landmines known as The Blue Monster – so elusive is that beast that 50o rounds of put-put hasn’t enabled Geraldo to ensnare it!
Naturally since it’s a challenge about luxury and golf, Kate volunteers to be PM. And on the new Team Infinity, Ian steps up again. After several inspiring sermons on the greatness that is I-an’s greatness and how everyone should chant, “I Am as great as I-An” they get to work, or I-an’s version of work, which is a meritocracy until someone misbehaves, then it’s totalitarian regime! Keep your sane on Brandi!
Ian also decided winning this challenge meant he won in the eyes of God, because there is nothing God values more than luxe spas and analytical golf swing software. Johnny is a letdown when he promises the golf pro who teaches Tiger, then it turns out now that Johnny is a FORMER MLB player, people ain’t calling him maybe. Brandi has his back – she knows what has-beenism is like.
I-an has 99 problems but organization is the main one. Poor Leeza gets stuck wrangling his articulation issue, while Brandi and Johnny go shopping. On Kate’s team she has 3 problems and no ideas. Problem 1) Kenya wanted to be PM but didn’t volunteer. Problem 2) Geraldo is still waxing poetic about the Blue Monster that got away 3) Kenya thinks she is an expert on the luxe life being that she competed in Miss USA before the pageant was even televised and once dated a nameless, faceless African prince.
Kate decides to get the biggest problem out of the way by sending her shopping. She appoints Vivica to Kenya-sit, while she stays behind to fret and space-out. Geraldo mixes cocktails and loses his pants, because nothing says “LUXURY” like a pantsless Geraldo serving neon blue drinks out of $1 plastic cups. This challenge was not sponsored by Solo, sadly.
Kenya and Vivica do not shop well. Kenya picks most of the so-called luxury items, which says all I need to know about her knowledge-level when it comes to prestige, then they almost come to blows over Babies R Us. See, Kate felt it was very important to highlight the family amenities at Trump Doral, and Vivica wanted to make one last stop to get those items, but they had spent so much time dithering in the plastic cup aisle at Bed, Bath, and Beyond (a luxury paradise!) trying to use multiple 20% coupons, they had been gone for hours and the day was up.
Ultimately Vivica decided to stop so Kenya sent Kate approximately 400 texts complaining about Vivica ruining everything! Then Kate called to ask WTF and Kenya proceeded to blame Vivica for the tardiness and how she did not want to stop. Kate hung-up and complained that “girl drama was getting in the way of the work.” Kate will never be a Real Housewife, I fear.
When they finally made it back, all they had to show for their efforts was a giant gold-painted bathtub and a kiddie playmat. Kate tried to distract by having Geraldo tend bar in front of a giant painting of a Blue Monster. Geraldo espoused that his role is “lubricating” conversation and he also lost his pants – the blue monster snagged them. Foiled again, geriatric buffoon!
Ian on the other hand had a huge sketch of Donald, historical photos, Johnny doing back massages, the word DORAL spelled out in marigolds stuffed in the back of the booth. When Brandi tried to move it to the front, his panties got in a bunch and he spent years fussing over it. He also had a golf pro – NOT procured by Johnny. Luckily Brandi redeemed her sign-moving infraction by being the most knowledgeable about Trump Trivia, a fact which irked Ian, who took deep breaths and whispered to himself, “Closer to God. Closer to God.”
In the boardroom Kate is convinced Geraldo’s lubrication won, but confesses to “girl drama” being an issue. Ian attempts to tell Donald what a meritocracy is, but gives up and blames Johnny for any potential issues, being that blaming Brandi for knowing too much would only make him look petty and Kenya 2.0 he does not want to be!
Luckily Ian wins, and Geraldo loses yet. again. Luckily for him, Vicica and Kenya erupt on each other, oozing molten hot lava of snide over how Kenya is not a team player (because that’s an undisputed fact – has no one seen RHOA?!). Kenya insists Vivica’s shopping problem made them lose and that Kate has no clue what luxury is, but Kenya considering herself a Born Again Trump, is well-versed in the hymns of the luxe life, because as you know she was Miss USA once – and you win that competition by being a team player.
Apparently we’re confusing a BEAUTY PAGEANT, where one individually competes against 49 other women, with an Olympic hokey team! So, yes, Kenya is too a team player: Team Kenya! And if you play it Kenya’s way, you won’t find yourself on the losing end of her vitriol. “Now twirl” she snaps at Vivica, whose side-eye is contending for an Emmy. Vivica does not twirl, but she does wonder if having a fake butt and fake boobs equals luxury? She says Kenya is the most two-faced person she’s ever met in her life.
Then Kenya reached almost unprecedented levels of craze-peration (that’s crazy meets desperate for you non-lingual commoners. I kid!). She has attached her nose so dangerously close to Mr. Trump‘s backside that Wife No. Zillion has started the process for a restraining order. Yes, Kenya begs Mr. Trump not to fire her because her admiration IS so great, she reveres him so much, and after all, the Trumps are the FIRST FAMILY of America.
Kenya and live in different Americas, clearly.
Even Donald, with his aspirations of running for president, was side-eying hardcore. Wasn’t it Kenya who compared herself to Michelle Obama once?
Here is the thing, Kenya probably DOES revere Trump – he has earned millions from his outlandish professional famewhore troll and here he is sitting his comb-over in a fake office on a network TV show while down-on-their luck former beauty queens and pseudo-religious moms of 8 (and Geraldo) grovel at his feet. Ok, so Geraldo didn’t grovel, he asked for “damage pay” – and frankly, my hand is out too. I could use a little bit of Trump National Doral luxury in my life, supposing I won’t have to actually interact with Donald Trump while there.
Kenya offers to trade her Miss USA crown for a chance to stay, and Vivica is visibly aghast at the desperation. Meanwhile Geraldo deployed tactics he learned while on a covert mission in the Smyrian dessert, off the coast of Nice: just stay still, don’t twitch a mustache whisker, and envision a life of fine wines with Hooters waitresses, but whatever you do, do not beckon the Medusas. Answering their siren calls will create a cipher of danger, even a mustache-wielding Sharknado could not control.
But Donald did just that – he fired Kate, for not being able to reign in Sharknado with her hair weave, and he unleashed the Medusas – and left Geraldo to deal with them. Sometimes it comes to down to Fight or Flight, and something tells me in this instance, even Geraldo is resigned to choose Flight.
TELL US – KATE AND SIG: RIGHT TO GO? IS KENYA GOING TOO FAR?
[Photo Credits: NBC]