Last night on the finale of Celebrity Apprentice, the blustering balloon of buffoonery that is Geraldo Rivera was deflated. And for that, we are eternally thankful. Meanwhile, a new winner was crowned – one deserving, classy, and hard-working – without shenanigans or drama. Sorry I-an ZierLING, it wasn’t you, it was Leeza Gibbons! Congrats lady.
I, personally, think Leeza should been awarded with a rhinestoned crown, bedecked with dollars, and coins, and a sash that read THE Celebrity Apprentice. It would perfectly tie-in with Donald Trump‘s Miss Universe Pageant – that opportunity for cross-marketing was woefully overlooked! If nothing else than for Kenya Moore‘s eyes to turn into lasers at someone else’s pageantry, and for her arguably, possibly, silicone butt to melt into a puddle of wasted dreams and toxic antics. I’m sure we’d also find the charred remains of Vivica A. Fox‘s cellphone in that mess!
It was a live season finale, which meant plenty of opportunity for Donald to slaughter the contestants names ( Ke$HIA Knight Pull-HIM – which sounds like a porn star alter-ego) and for Geraldo to refer to Leeza as “high functioning” – apparently likening her with one of the lovely developmentally disabled individuals his charity supports. He meant it to be complimentary.
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At that point in time I wish Leeza would have just quietly sat her Emmy down on the table, said nothing, and resumed smiling her placid, engaging smile, watching Trump’s head whirl as he tried to come up with a way to award his Fox & Friends the title. Geraldo would so expect a full pageant, with crown! Alas, Leeza won – Donald made the right choice and he seemed happy about it.
Everyone promptly forgot Geraldo’s HEROIC mustache, which is filled with “volcanic ideas” and risk-taking semi-successes, bolstered by hubris alone. Leeza even shaded Geraldo brilliantly when she reminded him that after HIS team suffered 5-straight losses, she joined as PM and they finally won. Ahem…
Before we get to the live stage, where Donald infused the second hour with sheer fluff and no content – basically the components that made up Brandi Glanville‘s attire – mesh, boobsplosion, complete with disappearing Michael Jackson nose (drunk makeup artist) and a Dolly Parton Wig Collection weave. It was… a hot mess.
Before all that, we have to complete the final task. Geraldo is chasing kids around Universal Orlando, which is almost as creepy as it sounds. His child actors disappeared – What?! They were experiencing the magic of Universal! – he tracked them down in the green room where they were in hiding from him while filling out child labor disputes pinpointing undue creepery.
Geraldo forces them all back to the park, demands they look into his eyes (which is akin to staring into the gates of hell), and he straps on a Harry Potter robe and announces Harrialido Geritosis Reporting! In an effort of authenticity, he slurps down butter beer after butter beer (which unfortunately brought to mind something disgusting with all the foam on his mustache).
“Now KIDS, you must be your own hero – this reminds me of that time I was reporting from under the tracks of Space Mountain, and a runaway roller coaster car was charging toward me. You see, I was investigating the haunted trolls that people reported seeing on the ride – shaped like glowing orbs of fire and venom – it was harrowing, you see – no, not Harry Pooter (is that how you say?!) HAR-ROW-WING,” Geraldo huffs. “Can we get the on-set tutors here, these children are not well-versed in the history of Geraldo Rivera Reporting! Did you know I am confident Al Capone’s tomb is buried under Space Mountain, which is why the trolls were ATTEMPTING to scare me off. YES! Be your own hero – this is Geraldo Rivera Reporting and cashing TRUMP CHECKS.” By the time he finished the park had closed and only the squirrels were left.
Lorezno Lamas, who is directing, gives up. There is no sense trying to direct the EGO of Geraldo on Geraldo Apprentice. “Once Lorenzo conceded that I was in charge – the whole day went a lot smoother,” Geraldo espouses on directing the director. I-an smirks – if HE would have been in the final two, no children would be needing long-term psychiatric treatment. Geraldo also decides he’s going to invite kid-favorite performer Tony Orlando to sing his song about returning home from prison at the presentation.
“I pushed myself to the limit to show that this old guy can still get it up!” Geraldo trills. As parents covered their children’s ears. When did Celebrity Apprentice get sponsored by viagra? Rhetorical question – as rhetorical as wondering when it was sponsored by Rogaine.
Oh Geraldo – you’ve pushed everyone to the limits. And you also attempted to show very literally that you can still “get it up,” when you pranced around in your boxer briefs to give credence to this whole selfie fad the kids think they’ve created when it’s really your very own likeness that has broken the internet and made it a thing. Did Geraldo ever tell you about the time AL GORE tried to take credit from him for creating the internet?!
On Team Leeza she is focusing on the clients needs and wants, not her own. Imagine! They arrive at Universal to film their commercial and Kevin Jonas is greeted with a mob of obsessed fans – likely because he tweeted that his hot brother Joe would be there giving out free Lime-A-Ritas to the first 1,000 stalkers. Note – Joe was not there and fans turned on Kevin flinging all of Brandi’s leftover hot dogs and beer cups at him.
Leeza decides that’s the perfect time to ditch Kevin while she manages other aspects of the presentation, for instance: making sure Olivia Newton-John got her new face in time, to perfectly match her leather pants. Oh yes, it was an evening of seminal septuagenarian performers. Because people who last had a hit in 1977 are perfect for the kids!
The competing red carpets featured Fox & Friends on one, like seminal celebrity phonetic abomination Megyyyyyyyyyyyyyn Kellyyyyyyyyy, and Aviva Drescher??? and NY socialites, on the the other. Fox & Friends donations were very paltry. Bill O’Reilly donating only $10,000?! Leeza, on the other hand, raked in some major donations.
Optimus Prime, (Geraldo’s son, who was the first baby conceived in a robotics lab using all the components of Geraldo’s superior genetics) and Bumblebee MC’d the presentations. Geraldo made a commercial advertising GERALDO and Leeza made a commercial advertising Universal. It turned out the Universal execs main complaint about Leeza’s job was that no celebs were used in the commercial – in truth Kevin has the perfect image for their audience.
Geraldo thanked his teammates by calling Lorezo the star of Revengers? (FAIL – he is obviously the star of Leave It To Lamas!) and mispronouncing I-an’s name as “ZierLING.” Ian nearly exploded into an I-anfant The Terrible rage, but caught himself. We all know Geraldo threw that shade intentionally. Geraldo then grabbed the mic from Tony Orlando to karaoke “Yellow Ribbon.” The disjointed, disorganization was pretty much the entire theme.
Leeza’s presentation was much more touchy-feely gushy, but also organized and cohesive. She even kept Brandi in line by putting her in charge of churro procurement.
Back on to the Live Stage, Kenya is insisting she never touched Vivica’s phone yet Vivica is finger-pointing that ‘THAT ONE'” talks with her hands when she’s lying. Kenya in turn tried to sit on her hands, which makes sense as her butt has become major focal point of this show, while continuing to deny culpability. There is no resolution on Phonegate, much to Donald’s chagrin.
Little injection of behind-the-scenes gossip: Apparently the last time Vivica’s phone was seen, it was after shooting wrapped, and the only people in the room were Kenya, Geraldo, Vivica, and Kenya’s makeup artist. Who walked out last. Vivica supposedly didn’t notice the phone missing at first and thought she left it in a restaurant, where she was having dinner and drinks with members of the cast after shooting wrapped.
Then Vivica assumed it was in the war room, but it wasn’t there. The tracking was disabled and the last tweet was sent while, Vivica was at dinner and did not have her phone. Which is why Brandi said to Mr. Trump that she thought it was Kenya’s hair and makeup people who stole the phone. Word on the street (to quote our Housewives friend Aviva!) is that Vivica’s make-up person heard Kenya’s people giggling about it. Vivica is currently in negotiations to see if cameras captured any of the situation before deciding to go to the police! Allegedly members of the CA crew are also claiming Kenya was somehow responsible for the phone theft. Of cousrse, just gossip.
Back to the show! Leeza and Geraldo tell us all about their charities – both of which are lovely. Geraldo’s charity came about after he did an exposé on how horrific asylums were in the late-70s so he was inspired to provide a different way of life for the developmentally disabled. Even Geraldo’s charity is about Geraldo – and apparently he also inspired the plot of American Horror Story: Asylum! I am most sure he is currently suing for credit.
Leeza’s charity was inspired by her mother’s battle with Alzheimer’s, and is all about creating and preserving memories.
There was an awesome tribute to the only other woman to ever win CA – Joan Rivers. I did a lot of crying last night, between the awesomeness of Joan, Leeza’s charity, and Tony Orlando describing his sister’s cerebral palsy, which tied into Geraldo’s charity, of course, but NOT his Universal promotion – or anything having to do with Universal, period. Which is how Leeza bested him – she managed to combine the Universal theme with her charity, and do it seamlessly.
Donald interviewed the former contestants about who should win, then had each finalist plead their case. Leeza is praised for being an embracing, encouraging leader who never let personal pettiness get in the way of producing results, but also for being kind. AKA – being PROFESSIONAL. She explained her strategy was “cutting out the drama.” Note to Real Housewives everywhere…
Geraldo is praised for being… Donald’s seminal sidekick. In fact, Geraldo even stated his main boon was bringing ratings through his bombastic personality and ego giantess. Also his volcanic explosions, which is also what happens when this old guy gets it up. Is anyone game for a demonstration? Kate…
In the end Leeza wins the final task by a landslide – the Universal execs found very few negatives and she raised over $325,000 for her charity Leeza’s Care Connection. Donald declares her the winner of CA. I think it was well-deserved. Nice to see a woman, behave like a lady, get things done, be powerful, intelligent, strong, and efficient without being catty or petty.
Geraldo straightened his mustache, and stomped out. “You’ll be hearing from me TRUMP! Leeza– this isn’t over! As you know, I was a war correspondent, well-versed in the art of war, and this MEANS WAR.” Leeza quietly smiled and got the number of Geraldo’s care-giver who could surely use some respite via Leeza’s Care Connection.
Congratulations – and we’re out! Oh, and BTW: Celebrity Apprentice has already been renewed for season 15!
TELL US – WAS LEEZA THE RIGHT CHOICE TO WIN CELEBRITY APPRENTICE? WHO DO YOU WANT TO SEE JOIN THE CAST NEXT SEASON?
[Photo Credits: NBC & Twitter]