Anfisa-Shaun-Robinson-Jorge-Reunion-Couch-90-Day-Fiance

It’s the final episode of 90 Day Fiance: Happily Ever After, and I feel like I just got off a carnival ride that was left spinning a tad too long. You know the feeling – a little bit sick, a touch disoriented, but mostly just grateful to be alive! Yes, we made it to the end, people. But the couples on these reunion couches might not even make it out of their hotels, let alone to their golden anniversaries.

Last night, Anfisa and Jorge were isolated for a “private” chat with host Shaun Robinson, in which Jorge slung accusations and Anfisa ultimately walked off stage. Interesting points included Jorge looking totally stoned from beginning to end of this entire “Tell All” and Anfisa not lashing out at him with her characteristic rage. (But we haven’t seen his car/home/pet bunny as evidence yet, so truthfully, we have no idea what form her revenge will take.) Also, TLC decided to throw one more tent into this circus by showing us the rest of the dysfunctional couples’ reactions to Jorge and Anfisa while their segment rolled along. To which I say, well played, TLC. Embrace your crazy! Except, let’s get Loren and Paola muzzled next time, mmkay?

First, Chantel and Pedro must relive their family feud, which still rages to this day, despite them playing it down. The trip to Dominican Republic went about as well as a cruise with an outbreak of dysentery. It was essentially a sh*tshow. Shaun asks if Chantel knew how much Pedro’s mom and sister resented her? No, she didn’t. But she sure does now! Then, for the thousandth time, Pedro defends sending money to his family. Paola backs Pedro up, claiming she sends money home too from the $50 she made so far in modeling.

Pedro-Chantel-Burgundy-Dress-Reunion-90-Day-Fiance

Chantel is upset that Pedro is supporting his family back home as the number one priority though – not that he’s helping them, period. Also, Pedro didn’t defend his wife when his mom and sister attacked her, which is still sticking in Chantel’s craw. Pedro has no answers for any of this, and Shaun has NO follow up questions (WTF?!), so they just move on.

It’s time to look at Paola’s foul friend, Juan. Which starts with a “J” and rhymes with Shaun! But I digress. The bottom line is this: Juan sucks. He sucks as a friend, he sucks as a person, and he sucks as a mustache-grower. Russ agrees. He never wants to see that loser again. But what about Paola DEFENDING his ridiculous a$$? Paola claims that Juan is an “important person in my life” and not to be taken seriously. But Russ doesn’t find his antics cute, nor does he appreciate Paola egging him on (which she certainly did). Paola, however, still takes issue with Russ walking away from Juan, which he did instead of punching him. She’d rather he’d throw a punch, apparently. Hey – let’s bring Juan on stage to see what happens! That guy could use a good punch to the throat.

A quick pause in the drama to recap Alexei and Loren this season: They are happy, their families love each other, and they have not keyed each other’s cars. Great success! The only snag they face in their happily-ever-after is not being able to bring Alexei’s entire family over to the U.S., but they’re still hopeful it might work out down the road. They feel lucky that their families get along, and that they’ve grown close to their in-laws.

Pedro pipes up that he’s got family coming here too – his sister! Hmm. No shocker there. Mohamed says his family is not necessarily thrilled that he’s in the U.S. since he’s led a complicated life (i.e., torture) here ever since his plane touched down. Danielle whines that it’s all Mohamed’s fault for putting things on SHOSHAL MEDIA! She still delusionally believes that he ruined her family too. Mohamed, who is so over Danielle that he needs a new word for “over,” just repeats that he’s taken all of his social media down. And plans to have a face and fingerprint transplant after the show. Seems like Danielle will have to seriously sharpen her stalking skills – and buy a new duffel bag.

orge-Blue-Shirt-Reunion-Couch-90-Day-Fiance

But Dani-Mo will have to wait, because it’s time to turn to Jorge and Anfisa again. Shaun asks Jorge why he’s so angry? “Because she cheated,” mumbles Jorge, to which Anfisa practically laughs in his face. “What are you talking about?” she demands. Jorge claims Anfisa “confessed she cheated,” but she has no idea what this dude is talking about. Hold up – Jorge is now defining cheating as “going out with another man.” Anfisa claims she hasn’t even done that because no one would have her! “She’s lying,” says Jorge, who thinks Anfisa is just working the green card system. Instead of defending herself or attacking the pile o’ sad sackiness beside her, Anfisa keeps her mouth shut. She doesn’t want to go as low as Jorge is, which may be 1) kind of admirable or 2) a shrewd move to gain viewer sympathy. Either way, it’s smart.

Excited to see a kindred spirit in pathetic rejection, Danielle excitedly piles on that she knows just how Jorge feels! SHE WAS FRAUDED TOO!!! Jorge does not look happy to be defended by the #1 craziest person up here, but losers can’t be choosers.

Anfisa-Scowl-PAola-Close-Caption-Reunion-Couch-90-Day-Fiance

As everyone else is shuffled backstage, Jorge and Anfisa face off alone. Footage rolls on their fights – both verbal and physical – before Shaun dives in with her extremely lame questions. She asks about the hitting first: How often does Anfisa physically strike him? Jorge has lost count, but “pretty often.” Anfisa is uncomfortable seeing herself blow up, but doesn’t really apologize for assaulting him. Jorge thinks Anfisa acts like a 4-year old, but Anfisa retorts that Jorge wanted a woman who depends on him. Well, he got one. But he didn’t sign up for one who hits him, yo! And she needs to be called out harder about it, but Shaun just moves on.

Since Anfisa doesn’t want to morph into Danielle and Mohamed 2.0, arguing about her breakup with Jorge for three years into the future, she suddenly goes quiet. She does admit that she didn’t come from money, so having a financially secure partner is a priority for her. Anfisa also doesn’t think her relationship with Jorge was always this volatile. Jorge snarks, “Actually, she was really nice until I bought her a pair of t*ts.” Jorge must have also bought himself a discounted pair of balls for this reunion, because he is determined to be as aggressive and gross as possible.

Instead of calling Jorge out on his nasty mouth, Shaun just dumbly asks, “Uh, how did she change?” But that doesn’t matter. Jorge just wants to hurl more accusations Anfisa’s way – including “flirtatious” text messages on her phone that he discovered while Anfisa was sleeping. As if Jorge could crack a phone code that was more complicated than 1-2-3-4! “Do you want me to give the texts to the producers right now?” taunts Jorge, “Do you want to look really stupid right now?” Anfisa doesn’t even want to be here, frankly, as she apparently has a job to go to. Jorge wants everyone to know what this job is – stripper? porn star? escort? S&M vixen?

Jorge-Reunion-Couch-Walk-Off-90-Day-Fiance

Before Jorge can elaborate, Anfisa storms off set. He still refuses to “out” what Anfisa’s real job is, but insinuates it’s something salacious. Then, in the most janky game of hot-or-cold ever, Shaun starts to ask questions like…does it involve dance? does it quack like a duck? does it rhyme with CROSTITUTE? Jorge plays dumb, but reiterates that it’s embarrassing for both of them, and that Anfisa has been lying about it for quite some time. (Almost as long as he’d been lying about having money?)

As everyone backstage openly judges Anfisa, she takes a moment to collect herself and eat a snack. She then tells producers that Jorge still loves her – that’s why he’s acting like a vengeful maniac. Yep, sounds about right.

Once the entire group is collected on the couches again, Loren decides it’s time to insert her nose into Jorge and Anfisa’s business again. “What do you DO?” she demands of Anfisa, who refuses to acknowledge this thirsty chick one more time. In a shocking twist, Paola – and everyone else – actually comes to Anfisa’s defense, asking why Jorge felt the need to put her on blast like that, then let it all mysteriously hang out there to fester? Jorge doesn’t care who calls him out at this point though; he’s here to crucify Anfisa, and only Anfisa. He needs to save his shallow breath for the task at hand.

And that task is not over! For the cameras now follow Jorge and Anfisa out of the soundstage, back to their hotel, and straight up into their room. Cameras also catch a few other noteworthy post-reunion moments, including Danielle droning on about Mohamed owing her money just as Mo pulls a David Copperfield and POOF! disappears forever into a waiting SUV. Danielle is left literally clutching a paper plate of food as she wails, I need closure!!!!! into the empty dusk.

Alexei is also reeling after witnessing his wife act messy as hell on stage. Why be such a drama queen? he wonders. Loren and Paola are quite proud of themselves, however, imagining they are acting as ambassadors of truth rather than petty mean girls. Alexei side eyes their delusional high-fiving in the back of the limo, knowing it was a bad look for both of them. And he would be 100% correct about that.

Anfisa-Jorge-Hotel-Room-Reunion-Aftershow-90-Day-Fiance

But it’s Jorge and Anfisa whose drama rolls on…and on…and on. Back at the hotel, Jorge tells Anfisa that he could have dragged her through the mud WAY more, but didn’t want to embarrass her in front of her family (who watches this sh*t back in Russia!?!? OMG). Furious, Anfisa demands an apology for his crass behavior. Jorge refuses, claiming that he’s not even done blasting her. Channeling Danielle, Jorge says he hasn’t gotten closure yet! “I’ve still got a few tricks in my hat,” deadpans a hatless Jorge, who is obviously reaching for a spinoff. As if to foreshadow the end game of this desperate move, cameras cut to Danielle bawling in the car about Mohamed using her. She wants justice!

Flash forward to some weeks later, where we arrive in Danielle’s kitchen. Jorge, take note: This is your future calling! It’s wearing a pink shirt and planning to sue Mohamed. It’s also calling Mo’s disconnected number repeatedly, not understanding that “sorry, this number has been disconnected” is the only answer available. Danielle clutches the phone in her hand, staring at the screen in disbelief.

We’re told in the final credits that Mohamed hasn’t been in touch with anyone – even TLC producers – since filming. No one can locate him on land or sea or internet, not even Danielle. And that, my friends, is Mo’s Happily Ever After. As for everyone else, thanks for sharing your insanity with us! We bid you farewell and much Instagram success.

Now, on to the new crop of doomed engaged couples, set to grace our screen in a few short weeks! Yes, a fresh new gaggle of wide eyed innocents has been officially assembled and will be unveiled on 90 Day Fiance season five on October 8. We’ll be here to recap all of the new drama – and maybe a dash of love? Can’t wait! (And a quick shout out to those of you who are watching 90 Day Fiance: Before The 90 Days: Please know that while I’m not recapping this beautiful disaster, I am watching right along with you. And I am eternally thanking the universe for sending us such a messy, perfect, precious gift.)

TELL US: THOUGHTS ON THE TELL ALL? DOES JORGE HAVE DIRT ON ANFISA, OR IS HE BLUFFING? ARE JORGE AND ANFISA JUST ANGLING FOR A SPINOFF? IS DANIELLE GOING TO STALK MOHAMED FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE? DID MO GO INTO THE WITNESS PROTECTION PROGRAM?!? WHERE IS HE?

Photo Credit: TLC

Click here to read our Comment Policy