mj

Shahs of Sunset was a doozy tonight – as in, I feel like I did ten shots of tequila doozy. While Asa Soltan Rahmati was left out due to her non-sharing-of-IVF-planning ways, both Shervin Roohparvar and Mercedes “MJ” Javid were feeling the drive to do the opposite and put it all out there.

For Shervin’s part, he might be able to see the writing on the wall that alpha crew member Reza Farahan is willing to turn his back on his oldest and closest friend, all because she doesn’t want to tell a bunch of fake friends who call her baby a bastard how she conceived. But most likely, Shervin realizes that someone somewhere has some dirt on him and his cheating ways and it’s easier to fess up now instead of spending multiple seasons being accused, like Mike Shouhed. As for MJ, I’m pretty sure tequila (and a slow decent to complete madness) is what caused her to go off the rails and issue a pregnancy ultimatum to fiancé, Tommy Feight. Spoiler alert: when you issue a man an ultimatum of any form, especially one driven by alcohol and overdramatic, nonsensical tears, it usually doesn’t end well.

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Let’s back it up a little and join MJ in FINALLY deciding that her condo needs some design attention and running water. I guess those towel hooks were finally delivered, because she emerges from the bathroom in a towel, looking very much like she just had a shower. Then again, she could have been using old vodka bottles filled with water to wash herself but I am choosing to look at the positive and assume she has truly started to get her sh** together. A designer even comes over, bearing coffee for himself that MJ drinks out of, even after he tells her he doesn’t share. Reza joins them to help pick out some colors from a vision board and steer MJ away from a beige color palette given how messy she is. As she eats pita bread out of the plastic bag, the designer already looks tired and Reza tries to keep her on course. She finally picks out a paint color for the walls, figures that’s enough effort for today and demands they get her a salad and sauvignon blanc.

I thought Mike would have given up by now but I underestimated how much money he was willing to waste on his dumb pink soled shoes. He gets a meeting with some big shoe company and goes to peddle them in person, looking bleary eyed and cold, thanks to the knit ski cap plopped on top of his head. I’m half expecting him to pull it down over his face and rob the store for some extra cash but instead, he launches into his pitch of having the “dopest” shoes you can wear from being out on the streets to wearing with a blazer too. How innovative. Mike really thinks he has corned the market on shoes that you can wear with multiple outfits and he’s ready to cash in. Between that concept and the matching baby shoes, the Regional Manager agrees to carry a few of each style in each of their flagship stores. Mike leaves victorious, but is saddened by the fact that he only has his mom to call with the good news, instead of a significant other. Get used to it, Mike. It’s lonely at the top.

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Annalise is in town again and has one simple request from her boyfriend, Shervin –closet space. Shervin isn’t keen on the idea but Annalise reminds him that once she moves to L.A., it’s going to happen one way or another. But fighting over where Annalise is going to put her ten variations of strappy nude heels is going to have to wait because MJ is at the door. Given how she rolls, I’m a little shocked Shervin would have her over to begin with, especially since she was so eager to bring up his cheating rumors when Annalise was here for Thanksgiving.

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Either way, she is received with a warm welcome and the second her laced-up-jean-wearing butt hits his couch, she tells Annalise that she thinks Shervin cheated on her. Shervin turns bright red but remains calm, probably because he knows he has sufficiently brain washed Annalise. MJ presses on, making sure Annalise really understands that Shervin isn’t just a cheater, but a kid in a candy store and a dog that needs to be straightened out. Annalise tells her that she believes Shervin 100% when he tells her that he’s not cheating and I 100% believe that Annalise might be the kind of gal who knows but doesn’t really care to know, if you catch my drift. Once Annalise has publicly declared her allegiance to Shervin’s lies, he runs over to plant a kiss on her head as a reward and MJ realizes that her plan won’t work – Annalise isn’t going to entertain the ravings of a woman who goes as hard on the booze as she does on the eyebrow pencil. Shervin, sensing he’s dodged another bullet, trots out Mike’s favorite cheating motto that in the end, the truth always comes out. Indeed it does.

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At Golnesa “GG” Gharachedaghi’s new condo, she is packing for her upcoming trip to New York and here’s hoping the thigh high boots and leopard print shorty shorts she’s wearing don’t make the cut. GG still can’t believe she is going to be the star of a play (her words, not mine) and figures that she’s akin to the likes of Charlie Sheen and Lindsey Lohan, who according to her, had an unconventional start to successful acting careers. I guess by unconventional, she means that they started out as child stars and spent pretty much their whole lives in the acting world. So yes, just like GG and her bit role in an off-Broadway play that Sonja Morgan has already done. As Shalom watches her pack, GG can’t help but get ahead of herself and tells him how she wants a huge engagement ring and babies, plus a wing of her house dedicated to her closet and a bunch of Rottweilers. Not sure how that’s going to fit into her wildly successful acting career but if anyone can do it, it’s GG, right? I mean, she has had zero jobs or responsibility so far!

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Cut to GG in New York, saying she feels just like Carrie Bradshaw. She meets with the Director and crew on the play and despite recently getting a hearing aid, immediately tells them about her hearing problem. They assure her that everyone will be mic’d up and not to worry. The truth is, GG has prepared for this harder than anything she has ever done before (which let’s face it, isn’t much) and proves it, by emerging from behind the curtain to read lines but instead saying, “now what?” The Director helps her out with her lines and GG settles in, eventually figuring out how to not sound like a robot and finishes it off by making out with her costar for the scene, of course. The Director looks relieved, thankfully he won’t have to find another bored Bravolebrity to replace her.

MJ went out with Vida for lunch a few days ago and told her about her pregnancy plans with Tommy, resulting in Vida saying that Tommy would be too impatient to be a father. Even though MJ doesn’t want Vida to influence all of her choices anymore, this little conversation has probably been weighing on MJ and by the time the guys arrive to help her paint her condo, MJ already seems wound up. Dressed in a head-to-toe acid washed jeans ensemble with her boobs bronzed for the occasion, she tells Reza, Mike and Shervin how she didn’t bother inviting Asa because she knows Asa isn’t a real friend who wants to spend time with them anyway. Side note – good luck trying to get “did you happen to notice I’m pregnant” Asa to be anywhere within five miles of paint fumes while carrying her miracle baby. Destiney Rose shows up for her allotted camera time and everyone starts doing tequila shots and painting boobs and penises on the walls.

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MJ’s little speech and everyone’s reaction to Asa not being truthful has prompted Shervin to unzip his painting coverall and strip down to the truth. He admits that he has been unfaithful, a bunch of times, or five or six, something like that. Destiney acts shocked and Mike thinks it’s a pretty lame admission, considering they knew this all along. Shervin apologizes to MJ for lying and uses the excuse that he’s scared of commitment. MJ’s little brain cells are working overtime, trying to process one more person in her life lying to her and just when you think things couldn’t get any worse, Vida shows up. She yells at them for the mess they have made and frowns at the genitalia covering the walls.

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When Tommy arrives in a doo doo colored sweatsuit, Reza thinks this would be the perfect time to stir the pot and point out the ovulation sticks buried in the mess on the counter. Vida goes off about Tommy not being the one, prompting MJ to try and make some weird offer to buy out Vida, handing her a check for $100K that she can cash when MJ gets pregnant. Oh jeez, like if anyone believed MJ could write a check for $100K, do we really think she would have her friends drunkenly painting her condo in exchange for pizza? Vida rips up the check, causing MJ to ugly cry in the kitchen about how mean she is. Tommy tries to comfort her, kissing her face and telling her that her tears taste like the shots of tequila she has been pounding and MJ whines about how unsupportive everyone is being of her plans to get pregnant. This is all sounding very Asa right now but before anyone can support her stupidity, MJ goes to the dark side, accusing Tommy of not being ready to have a baby.

Poor Tommy. He has fallen victim to that moment in every (dysfunctional) relationship where your self-absorbed partner gets wasted and simultaneously projects all of their fears/blames you for all of their issues at the same time, all in an effort to test your dedication. Tommy has either never seen this before or he truly loves MJ and all of her crazy because he patiently tries to explain that he does want a baby but he doesn’t think it’s going to be as easy as MJ thinks it will be and he wants them to take the appropriate steps to prepare for a child. What he has failed to realize is that despite being well over 40, MJ is still a child herself and children are incapable of listening to reason and logic when they want something. True to toddler-like form, MJ pitches a fit and storms off to the bathroom to cry.

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While MJ rants and raves to Reza about how lucky Tommy should consider himself to be the possible father of her child and how she will just get pregnant by someone else, Tommy breaks down in tears to Destiney and tells her how much losing his mother at age 13 has impacted his life and how he wants both himself and MJ in better health so they can always be there for their child. His biggest fear is leaving a child without a parent and MJ’s pushing to get pregnant before her dad dies all seems like they aren’t doing this for the right reasons.

With all of her friends watching, MJ emerges to ask Tommy if he is really ready to get pregnant and he admits that he is not and she isn’t either, given their current lifestyle. They argue about how many shots she’s had today and how many cigarettes he’s smoked. Even though MJ is totally off her rocker crazy right now, she does have a point that Tommy isn’t exactly changing his bad habits either.

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Reza awkwardly tries to usher everyone out so Tommy and MJ can have some privacy but Destiney lingers, trying to get Tommy to admit to MJ what he admitted to her about his fears. Unfortunately, MJ would have to care about listening to someone other than herself for Tommy’s feelings to be heard and well, she just doesn’t. His emotions don’t matter because MJ wants what she wants and if he can’t give it to her, she will get it somewhere else. She yells at him that it’s now or never and he yells back, choosing never.

It looks like when it comes to getting pregnant, MJ has finally taken her obsession too far and pushed Tommy away from joining in her plan. If MJ does want to get pregnant so badly because time is running out, you would think she would have enough sense to stop self-sabotaging her relationship but I guess ten shots of tequila will do that to a gal.

TELL US – ARE TOMMY AND MJ READY FOR KIDS YET? WILL MJ’S APARTMENT ALWAYS BE A WORK IN PROGRESS?

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