Last night's episode of Teen Mom 2 temporarily humanized our snarkiness as Leah Calvert learned the realities of Ali's muscular dystrophy.
Kail Lowry heads to an ultrasound appointment sans Javi Marroquin because Jo Rivera won't let her move out of state with Isaac and now she's all allllloneee! Apparently she's been emotionally eating to drown her sorrows because the doctor warns her that gaining a pound and a half per week isn't a good idea. "Lay off the fettuccine alfredo," he instructs.
Everything looks healthy but Kail is waiting until Javi can be there to find out the sex. Kail calls Javi from the car and complains that she's soooo stressed planning a wedding while pregnant. Maybe postpone the wedding until after you've had the baby then? Just a thought – especially since they're already legally married for the benefits and stuff.
Then Kail and Jo have a major custody blowup. Kail is now refusing to bring Isaac to Jo's parents' if he's not home. On their custody exchange day, Kail learns from Jo that he's running late so she calls Javi – in front of Isaac – to whine about what a terrible, negligent parent Jo is. Nice Kail.
Just when you think the twists on Vanderpump Rules can't get any twistier – they do! Now the entire plotline is like one of those loop-de-loop straws where you go cross-eyed trying to watch the liquid wind through the twists and curves. It sure makes for exciting TV, though!
Things begin with the annual SUR photoshoot. The theme is always endless summer because what is SUR if it's not attractive near-naked people doing Vegas-y things, which is what everyone wants near their food.
Kristen Doute is not participating because she's practically fired for her antics last week and the week before and the week before… and basically since the land before time. Lisa Vanderpump really doesn't care if Kristen bangs Jax Taylor, but she better not bring her hoochie drama into Lisa's restaurant. Lisa has lines, and although those lines are twistier and blurry-er than a bendy straw, they are there.
Lisa's other concern, besides Kristen's behavior, is Jax's lack of remorse over the entire thing. He's at the photoshoot flaunting his pecs and bragging about how the male modelizer is baaack baby! Not quite. True Fact: I remember seeing Jax in Vogue in days of yore. It sure is a shame that he has destroyed his looks. He should just get on with his inevitable destiny of marrying Lindsay Lohan and having some trainwreck reality show starring Dr. Drew Fakesy.
Last night Carlton Gebbia really let the witch out of the bag – flying broomsticks, evil spells, creepy crystal floral talismans and all!
Kyle Richards andLisa Vanderpump are friends-ish again. Well at least for the sake of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills purposes. Since Ken and Mauricio truly are friends, Kyle and Lisa decide to get together with Kevin Lee (!!) to throw a joint birthday party. Oh Kevin Lee… let's discuss what's going on atop your head: part Brillo pad, part tasered porcupine: too much hair gel, mmmkay.
As Lisa and Kyle divvy up the guest list Kyle gets all porcupiney – she just wants to know why there's gotta be teams allocating who invites whom.
UGH – let's just take a moment to discuss Kyle. Listen, Kyle was annoying me the whole episode: she kept making her little snarky comments, making everything into a bigger deal than it was, and sneaking in shade while acting like everything was fine – basically she was Splits-ing. But then CARLTON! Snarlton… SNARLTON with her Wicked Witch of The Valley complete with California Raisin face had to go all wicca-wacka and made me feel bad for Kyle. There's more to Kyle's witchiness than her fondness for flowing robes, but compared to Snarlton, Kyle is a sweet innocent.
"I dedicate this book to all the men I've loved before and to all the single people looking for love in this world: keep hope alive, learn from my mistakes, and by all means #KeepItSexy," Brandi begins after telling us P.S. "Social media is ruining romance". Yes, Brandi and so are drunken tabloid photos.
With an introduction titled "How To Get Screwed" (the first line of which is "F–k me."), you know you're in for a wild ride! Brandi gives a ton of anecdotes and continues with her theme of interweaving hashtags throughout the text as if twitter truly is writing this book.
A snippet of the introduction and the first chapter are below!
Anyway, this time Jenelle is like trying to prove to us that she's turned her life around, is with a decent guy, and is ready to like do the whole mom thing for real. Just ignore everything you're about to see on this season of Teen Mom 2, mmmkay.
Unfortunately for Jenelle, nothing she does is without drama. In this case she's furious that so-called friends revealed the baby's sex to In Touch Weekly. “It’s a boy,” a source close to Nathan Griffithshared.
“Jenelle and Nathan already have the name picked out, it’s KaiserGriffith. She already had the names picked out, if it was a girl it would have been Lydia Marie. No middle name yet for Kaiser.” Kaiser… Hmmm…
Kim Zolciakis ready to show off her post-baby body! The mom of six, who gave birth to twins 3 months ago, says she is already bikini-ready, and it's all thanks to a rigorous workout schedule, diet pills, and no plastic surgery at all!
"I gained 50 pounds with the twins," Kimreveals to Life & Style. “I won’t get on the scale, but all my clothes fit again! I’m between a size 2 and a size 4.” Ummm… wellllll… no comment.
Carlton Gebbia continues to intrigue me. I mean, she's the wicked witch of double standards. She's disgusted by her Real Housewives of Beverly Hills cast mates talking about sex and then lap dances on her MIL, does stripper pole lessons, and throws a Hustler party.
She doesn't want Kyle Richards asking about her religion, yet she talks about it all the time and puts spells on people. And she doesn't like Joyce Giraud for being fake and attention-seeking yet Carlton is allll about Brandi Glanville!
In her most recent Bravo blogCarlton reflects on the episode and explains why Kyle is fake, Joyce is annoying, and she is the greatest living human in the world.