So much drama to discuss from last night’s Real Housewives Of New York reunion; or at least what can be deciphered through the 7-layers of screaming. Housewives reunions are not unlike 7-layer taco dip – and one really has to slough through layers of green onions and refried beans to get to the good stuff.
Unfortunately a lot of chips get lost in the rubble. Reunions are minefields of undiscovered gold which are always cloaked in secrecy with expressions like, “Let’s talk about what we saw when we barged into your room!? [with a wannabe pirate circa 2013]” WHAT?! TELL US. Or, “I’ve covered for you plenty!” Meaning?!? All these inferences, insinuations, and teasers of people’s ghostwriters being exposed or countesses who lunge at princesses (or at least the previews showed Luann de Lesseps standing up and yelling – is that what Carole Radziwill meant when she said a ‘lunge’?).
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One thing I loved, however, was how the whole reunion sort of resembled an AA meeting (aptly). Various ladies revealed their stories of success, then the other women clapped in support. Hilarious!
Luckily there was Bethenny Frankel who appointed herself judge and jury, demonstrating that her return to Bravo is a covert coup to overthrow Andy and take his job as alleged Housewives moderator. While Andy was feasting on drama tidbits (did Bethenny slip him an ambient?), Bethenny leapt up to “no dog in this fight” her way through the various explosions of she-said/she-said, preening like the prize peacock she’ll be slapping a Skinnygirl label on next!
Sonja Morgan has her own feather in her restored vintage designer cap (or rhinestone in a diamond setting) – she finally got Sonja Morgan New York, International Luxury Lifestyle EVERYTHING on the runway and online. However, the real question is: Did she get Madonna at her fashion show? Of course not! Well her manager was there, sitting behind Sonja’s daughter (not even first row for the manager of Madge?!). Madonna was rejected at the door by the non-security (Ramona, drunk on pinot slithering onto Carson Kressley thinking he’s her “type”).
Sonja’s runway madness seems to be where her fashion collection ends. Instead of gushing about her interns she’s now brandishing a sea of ‘Sonja Morgan Consultants’ who have fancy titles like CNB – Chief Nunya Business Officer, or VP of Ales. Sonja doesn’t pay these “consultants”, they work under her and and are equal partners in building the business. Basically SMILLB is a pyramid scheme. At least Bethenny and Carole got some pants out of the deal, pants they waited 6 weeks to receive, then discovered were actually assembled with a glue gun, a bedazzler, and 3 feet of weave from Party City’s Frozen collection.
Heather Thomson and Bethenny argue about whether or not Heather supported Sonja or not (HELLO – TOASTER OVEN!! Sonja had a tampon leak in Heather’s branding expert’s studio!). And honestly, Bethenny how have you supported Sonja, other than telling her everything that’s wrong with her life and how she does business? But Sonja acquiesces to Bethenny because she’s smart enough to back the bigger player. Bethenny launches into her own diatribe-laced lecture about how she owns her own International Luxury Lifestyle Brand. Bethenny sells popcorn. At Walmart. And Sonja sells hot pants. Online. Slowly. And I sell delusions of how I will win the Pulitzer. In my own mind. Sadly. What I’m saying here is yes, Bethenny has built the bigger and stronger business. Yes, Bethenny has a sturdier grasp on reality (at least business-wise), but she hasn’t been the Sonja Morgan Fan Club President. Ramona is. And Ramona is passed out in Luann’s lap with her Spanx showing.
If Sonja wants to be the Former Empress With Invisible Clothes, so be it! Hell – Madonna loves invisible clothes and is probably recruiting a Nigerian Football Team for her next arena tour. Do you Sonja Morgan. <Round Of Applause>.
Moving on to more successful enterprises, Carole and Doris, Doris A Snarkasaurus, (Dorinda Medley) went to London and bonded over widowhood. Giving RHONY a sense of brevity it has most certainly lacked, these two women proved real-realness has a place amid Housewives drama. Dorinda and Carole shared anecdotes of how their late husbands would feel about them joining RHONY. And then we heard snoring… right in the middle of the touching interlude Ramona passed out!
Andy loved it and heralded Ramona for igniting yet another Housewives first: the first reunion nap break. Since the women act like kindergartners (and date them), perhaps Bravo needs to start taking snack and nap breaks during reunions! But seriously – how rude and insensitive of Ramona to choose that moment to pass out. Kristen Taekman rolled her eyes – she is not buying this Rebranded Ramona Singer, she’ll always be Pinot of the Phony-Pologies And the Pretend Realizations.
After Dorinda shares that shortly after Richard’s death she attended a book signing of ‘What Remains’ and fled the room in tears, and Carole tears up over what wasn’t talked about with Anthony, it’s time to rehash Turks and Caicos. Again.
Sonja is confronted about her drinking and is proud to announce <round of applause> that she has quit booze and sticks to wine. Personally, I love Sonja sans liquor – her wit is so much quicker!
Sonja puts Ramona on blast, because for all Ramona’s ‘concerns’ about Sonja’s drinking, Ramona was the one liquoring her up. Ramona wasn’t sure how to address her concerns with Sonja, so in the end she used Bethenny by telling Sonja it was B who called her an alcoholic.
Ramona owns up to the fact that she “threw Bethenny under the bus.” Everyone claps because Ramona finally admitted to bad behavior without a stupid apology. I so adore the twisted, dysfunctional, co-dependent sisterhood of Ramonja (they will so be living in Sonja’s rambling townhouse someday, growing old together, losing their dentures, borrowing each others, bickering incessantly and berating the help, eventually dying in each other’s arms, their cremains placed in a pinot bottle and floated out to sea via the Hamptons).
Let’s call Lu out on Turks and Caicos. Let’s also call Heather Of the Histrionics out. As Bethany said, she’s no Scarlett O’Hara, even though Heather’s dress resembled curtains. I don’t even know what to say about this mess, except Kristen is the only one who accurately assessed the situation when she lectured Ramona for her dismissive, self-centered behavior of ditching her booty call in the upstairs bedroom with the plaintive instructions not to use the bathroom and expect breakfast in the morning. “YOU are the one who broke girl code!” Kristen seethed while Ramona smirked and shrugged.
Ramona played innocent claiming she was just sooooo drunk she had no idea what happened, but then she regaled us with the full details of how he ended up at the house, the Cool Jams 1977 CD they danced to on volume level 11, how she instructed him to sleep upstairs but leave the ladies alone. It is utterly ridiculous that Heather is shouting about how her innocence and virtue could have been robbed by this vagrant Ramona allowed into their walled fortress. Vacation sex happens, and yes – Ramona is totally selfish and handled it thusly, but Heather’s Yummie Tummie panties are so in a bunch over the ordeal she needs medical intervention. Personally I think she’s embarrassed to admit that, in retrospect, she over-reacted. And she’s embarrassed to admit that as Bethenny posited, she probably WAS trying to catch Luann in the act of some nefarious deed, and now she’s trying to oversell her point about how her overreaction was warranted. But WHY isn’t Heather yelling at Ramona?!
Of course, Heather and Carole couldn’t care less about Ramona, owner of the Mystery C-ck of Turks and Cockos (coming soon to Masterpiece Mystery), they were all about Luann possibly kissing a married man because they were actually mad about other unsaid *stuff*. *Stuff* we can’t know.
Luann spreads her lies around as easily as room temperature butter: first she knew he was married and they were discussing divorce, then they walked on the beach, then he wasn’t in the house, even though she ‘sent him home.’ Heather insists they don’t care who Luann f–ks or doesn’t f–k, but if they don’t care who Luann f–ks or doesn’t f–k, why are they all so curious and angry?
There is some lingering messiness with the Pirate of St. Barths whom Luann admits to being caught with, but still professes not to have slept with. Which leads to the bruhaha over Heather and Carole violating her privacy by barging into her room. Andy insinuates Luann has no reason to be upset because A) she’s been ‘busted’ before and B) she knows there are cameras all around. But as Bethenny astutely reminded our
fair host – thus breaking the fourth wall of Bravo – cameras can’t go through closed bedroom doors unless one of the women open it, so Heather and Carole let the lens in with full knowledge they could have exposed Luann swinging from a chandelier with a married man (or 21 year old pool boy), and yeah, most people like to keep what they do behind closed doors just that. Just because you’re ON a reality show doesn’t mean ever facet of your life should be fodder for public consumption.
Probably Heather did react int he heat of the moment, and was not as Bethenny plausibly described looking to ‘out’ Luann (unless – very likely – there was more we didn’t see). As Luann explained she wasn’t spiteful the cameras caught her, she was angry her friends didn’t respect her.
However, for someone who has transitioned from an etiquette expert to a GirlCode expert, Luann displayed neither by hooking up with a married man (although even Ramona confirmed he was divorcing and wasn’t wearing a ring as Carole accused). Finally, Luann accepts Heather had a right to be upset about finding the naked guy, and Heather agreed that yes, she overreacted and unfairly blamed Luann. It was the stupidest argument ever, but as Kristen reminded us, at least Luann got a hit song out of it. And maybe Sonja can hook Luann up with a gig as Madonna’s opening act, with Heather and Carole singing backup.
After all of that the ladies just start hugging. It was Hoes before Bros (and reality TV shows). Even Andy was perplexed. Heather and Luann hugged, Carole and Lu hugged, Bethenny and Kristen hugged, Ramona hugged her pinot bottle and kissed the locket with a photo of Mario’s butt in tennis shorts, Sonja hugged herself in her Sonja Morgan International Luxury Lifestyle Brand couture gown, Dorinda hugged alterego Drunken Dru, who sometimes sees and hears things that aren’t there. Andy looked around and realized no one was letting him in on their GirlCode love-fest and proposed a toast to his own to success. Afterwards, with nothing resolved, everyone went out to dinner together and laughed, and talked, and admitted they had all been fools and at least they had each other. Because just being a Real Housewife violates GirlCode. Sing it sisterhood!
I loved that these girls are friends. At the end Bethenny teared up over how they had all helped her grow by teaching her the road to happiness is not only paved in Skinnygirl red. Carole admitted she should have talked to Luann about Adam, instead of letting her find out through the grapevine, and Luann agreed she had been stupid to ignore Heather – her friend – over a lapse in judgement that turned out to reveal nothing. Even though they fight, there’s love underneath. Can we say this about any other Housewives franchise?
TELL US – WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE REUNION MOMENT? WILL WE EVER GET THE TRUTH ABOUT THE RHONY MYSTERY MEN? (OR WHAT HAPPENED BETWEEN LUANN,CAROLE, AND HEATHER?)
[Photo Credits: Bravo]