Recaps

Were you suffering from Southern Charm withdrawals last week? I know I was. While the last episode gave us friendship and butt crack, last night was all about drama and formality. It certainly delivered, although Bravo sure knows how to gloss over current events, doesn’t it?

Craig Conover is still living like a college student (and that statement is an insult to college students), and he welcomes Cameran Eubanks into his halfway house. She’s critical of the space, which is well-deserved, but she puts on airs when she sniffs the box wine he offers. She grills him about practicing law, but he counters that he’s yet to be sworn into the bar. He’s still working on the Character and Fitness portion of the application. As someone who went through this a while ago, the bar is basically making sure he doesn’t have an errant DUI (a regular one is fine…I don’t know that first hand, but I have some friends…) and isn’t an ax murderer. Clearly, Bravo reality whore ranks up there as a reason one wouldn’t be fit to practice law–in South Carolina. That’s a hard feat given the lawyers I know! Craig claims his pillow business is thriving, so attorney ethics benchmarks be damned! He presents Cameran with a bunch of pillowcases that he just needs to stuff before fulfilling his orders. She, like the rest of America, wonders what he’s waiting for with his sham empire. Was sham empire a pun? I didn’t think so until I typed it! She poo-poos his pillow situation as a distraction. Craig needs to focus on one thing. Isn’t he seeing a life coach? Craig admits that he stopped returning his life coach’s calls. Why can’t he take accountability? Craig reveals that Naomie Olindo may not have been wrong in labeling him a drifter.

What do you get when you mix jailbird cabaret with speed dating with mothballs? The Real Housewives of New York, of course, which is still hitting it out of the park every week this season. I don’t know whether it was Luann de Lesseps singing in her classic Tony Bennet baritone in front of a penthouse piano, Sonja Morgan touting her cabarlesque (no spellcheck can help us here, folks) skills to actual, legitimate Broadway heavyweights, or Ramona Singer attempting to robotically flirt with/stalk men in scarves. But there was a Hangover meets Laurel & Hardy vibe to this week’s episode, which is a welcome gift after last week’s dry spell on Bravo.

Okay, let’s do this. We start with Ben Rimalower and Billy Stritch walking Luann through her talking-while-singing-while-snapping version of “Money Can’t Buy You Class.” Luann is taking her upcoming cabaret show #CountessAndFriends very seriously – so seriously, in fact, that she’s bringing Sonja in on the act. Because when you think, “I need this act to be classed up a little bit” you naturally think of the woman who lounges in her own filthy bed surrounded by plastic tarps as she sniffs yesterday’s underwear. Enter: Lady Morgan.

So last night the crew of Below Deck Mediterranean was in beautiful Capri where the setting couldn’t be more perfect for backstabbing, complaining, and 30th birthday parties.

Adam Glick and Hannah Ferrier live in parallel worlds where each believes they’re single-handedly responsible for successful charters, so when the primary winds up in the kitchen asking why dinner is taking so long, Adam sears Hannah with his angry eyes. It is HANNAH’S JOB to read minds of the guests, and assuage those minds like one kneads bread – and no one who isn’t clad in a Motor Yacht Talisman polo (or crocs!) should enter his teeny overheated prison of fishy smells and fishier business.

For once, though, just for once(!), it is not Hannah’s fault. Hannah actually had given Adam a 10-minute warning, but the guests decided 10 minutes was too long after they’d already been waiting an hour for the slow-to-get-dressed member of their party. It’s that lady’s fault, not Hannah’s. 

On last night’s Teen Mom 2, we had a daddy-daughter dance, mother-son therapy and plenty of hook-up confessions!

Briana DeJesus: Briana kicked off TM2 this week so if it’s good enough for the show, then its good enough for us. Briana is not getting a full tummy tuck. She tells her mom ‘she did her research’. I SHOULD HOPE SO. If you are going to have body altering plastic surgery (before all the eyes of Snapchat no less), I should hope you do your research. Briana also says she has cut Javi out and since he went on Kail’s podcast it was easy.

Don’t get me wrong…I love The Real Housewives of Potomac. They’re funny, smart, look great, and are always shady. But ladies, when you’re in France, keep your voice down, your opinions low key, your competitiveness to a minimum, and for goodness sakes, don’t scare the natives.

It’s a few short days before the trip to France and everyone is just beginning their day. Karen Huger is out in Great Falls already hitting the Champagne. Hey, it’s five o’clock somewhere, maybe even in Cannes. Candiace Dillard and her fiancé Chris are doing what I suspect is all they ever do together: Talking weddings. Or more succinctly, Candiace asks him about what he wants in the wedding registry. I don’t think Chris knows what a registry is, because he answers “Get laid every night.”  Sorry Chris, you won’t find that at Pottery Barn. Gizelle Bryant, her mom, and her girls are going out to breakfast. Her mom will be watching the girls while she is in France. Since the gang’s all here, Gizelle gives them an update on the Sherman situation. The girls are sad that Sherman won’t be around anymore, but they’ll be fine. Gizelle reminds them that they’ll never get rid of her.

What is there to say about last night’s 90 Day Fiancé Happily Ever After, except thank you TLC, Sharp Entertainment, universe, and The Family Chantel. Two snaps in a circle to all you ALL. This episode was everything I didn’t know I needed in my life – and more.

When we first caught up with our couples at the beginning of the season, who knew we’d end up in fistfights over chicken wings and downgrades from firehouses? Or secret kids and canceled weddings? Okay, maybe we did see it coming. But still! It’s sort of amazing how much lower these people can go even when they’re already so obviously at rock bottom.

In the ‘Previously on Teen Mom 2’ update, we get caught up on the events that happened this spring when David Eason got himself fired from the show. Oh yeah, and Briana DeJesus turning down Javi Marroquin’s proposal.

Let’s dive into tonight’s episode – season 8, episode 27! These seasons seem to get longer and longer and longer…But we’re not complaining!

After a week-long break, The Real Housewives of Potomac are back and while they don’t seem to speak a lick of French, the women do have snooty down to a science. I joke – the French are wonderful people and next week the American invasion by the Housewives will have the entire country chain smoking, wine guzzling and carb loading on crusty bread. In other words, a typical Monday. But first, there are vendettas to be settled, invitations to craft, and mimes to terrorize.

Karen Huger and Candiace Dillard are meeting for a Garra rufa pedicure. I said last time that I didn’t know these salons were BYOB. Imagine my surprise learning this type of fish pedicure is still a thing. I had to google it, and yes, if you don’t live in one of the ten states that have banned it, you too can have fish sucking on your feet. As soon as they are settled and the fish are doing whatever it is the fish do, in walks Sherman’s ex, Kyndall.