Recaps

Stassi is sad

Last night’s episode of Vanderpump Rules confirmed what I have been saying for years (seasons in Reality TV time): Kristen Doute and Jax Taylor are soulmates. I fully anticipate that in a few years time they’ll drunkenly run off to Vegas for a midnight elopement, then have a combative, insane, marriage befitting of a Hunter S. Thompson tale. All’s Fair In Love And Liquor: A True Tale Of Krax. So thank you, Tom 2, for validating that. 

But no thank you, Tom 2, for the reference to your flaccid penis. Katie Maloney, please get off Scheana Marie‘s drama train and onto your man. If the way Tom 2 was making out with that Hooters chicken wing is any indication, that was a man deprived and we know how Katie feels about make-out cheating! 

The Kristen Doute Apology Tour continues on, gathering steam by adding Stassi Schroeder, and growing into a cloud of vicissitude by adding Jax

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Kenya looses it in Jamaica

Last night’s Real Housewives Of Atlanta was full of surprises! Shockingly Bob appeared as Sheree Whitfield‘s date, NeNe Leakes sauntered onto the island to soak up the adoration so all that remained was shade, but most exciting: Tootie got Kenya Moore‘s twirl all twisted up like a tornado. Then Kim Fields just strolled away. 

Kim may be way too normal for reality TV; she may not be cut-out for RHOA, but she’s certainly a smart, classy, and professionally successful lady whose reputation in the industry speaks for itself. Ms. Beauty Queen on Bathsalts Krayonce WISHES she had an IMDB page that featured something from this decade (other than Real Housewives Of Atlanta). Kim is correct – Kenya belongs at the kiddie table until she’s able to conduct herself like a grownup, not an 8-year-old forced into an educational trip to DC to meet with congresswomen.

Kim’s comments hit Krayonce right in her butt-hurt stallion booty. 

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Ashley-Darby-Whiskey-Tasting-Real-Housewives-of-Potomac-001

Hey! Isn’t it bad manners to start this show 15 minutes late? Oh well. It’s time to learn more about etiquette (or lack thereof) from the self-proclaimed queens of manners, the Real Housewives of PotomacSo far this season, we’ve learned that when the cameras start rolling, all bets are off with so-called friends. Like in the case of Gizelle Bryant and Karen Huger, who claimed to be pretty good buds before the show taped, but are now at each others’ throats over who-sat-where-in-a-damn-booth. Or Gizelle and Charrisse Jackson-Jordan, whose argument at the clam boil went to level 10 over some cabinet-banging and dragging “the help” upstairs. (Both of these arguments came to us courtesy of Karen and Charrisse, in my opinion, with Gizelle getting caught in the cross-wigs.) What happened to a few episodes of “getting to know you” housewifery fluff before all hell breaks loose? And where are the gorgeous homes and high class lifestyles of which we were foretold!? <wipes tear> In short, Dear Bravo: Where Are The Wives You Promised Us!?!? 

Alas, we are left with this bunch. But the introduction of younger, less etiquette-obsessed Ashley Darby may just breathe new life into what is already becoming a stale manners-off among this group of confused socialite wannabees. And tonight’s episode does thankfully fill in some much-needed gaps of real backstory on our key players. First we begin with Katie Rost, who’s meeting with Washington Life Magazine to talk about how her modeling career has changed since she’s become a mother. She’s not getting many modeling jobs these days, so she’s using her “good looks and charm” to raise money for charities, specifically for her family’s Rost Foundation – of which she’s director. Coming from a legacy of philanthropic work within her family, Katie has big shoes to fill. She’s got it all, except a husband, as the Magazine rep she’s meeting with so kindly points out. (Did we just get transported back to 1954?)  

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mob wives renee this guy

After the drama proffered in last week’s episode of Mob Wives, I’m not quite sure what to do. Normally, I’d recap the season thus far, but OMG! Where do I start? Forgive me for forging in head first, but I’m at a loss. So let’s begin with what we witnessed last night, shall we? Drita D’avanzo is treating Big Ang to a swanky meal for being such a good friend. Such is the lives of Mob Wives! I’m just happy this is the last season, as I am physically and emotionally spent…for no other reason than I have no other shows on Tuesday! Just kidding, I’m enthralled regardless!

Drita contends that Ang will be a leading lady in her upcoming memoir. You can’t write a book about the lifestyle without having Ang front and center! Ang coyly dismisses her friends compliments (are they truly compliments to us normal folk? Is being a mob staple the lifestyle we covet?) and explains her heartache over not being able to hold a liquor license and re-open the Drunken Monkey. Her husband Neil needs to step up to the plate. She’s let him slide on helping pay bills for the last six years, and now it’s time for him to contribute. Changing the subject, Ang reminds Drita that she needs to make amends with Carla Facciolo. Ang admits that she told Carla that Drita shared Carla’s abusive relationship with her and that she announced the same to Carla, Karen Gravano, Renee Graziano, and crew. Drita doesn’t discount how this game of telephone came into play, and she’s hesitant to be put in a situation where she needs to address it.

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Cast-Motorcross-Little-Women-LA

The first ladies of Lifetime’s ‘Little Women’ franchise are back for season FOUR! This season of Little Women: LA sees the gang reunited, minus Brittney “Freakabritt” Guzman, for another round of oversized drama, including more friendship fallouts and – of course – more pregnancy news. (Has there been a season yet that didn’t involve marriage or pregnancy hullabaloo of some sort, I ask you? Looks like this one’s no different!)

We start out at Jasmine Arteaga Sorge’s home, where she’s fixin’ to throw a Mommy Cocktail Party. It’s been only about a month since Elena Gant and Saint Preston’s vow renewal in Hawaii, which means it’s also been a mere hot minute since the epic throw down between Briana Renee (formerly Manson), Matt Ericson, and…every other human being on the show.  Jasmine is still sporting the spider lashes, and she’s still BFFs with Briana, who shows up first to the soiree.  

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Yolanda on RHOBH

Look – I’m just gonna say it, because it has to be said: Yolanda Foster should not be part of Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills this season. If Yolanda is too ill to fully participate, she should have taken a leave of absence to selfie from the comfort of her bed.

It’s not that I believe illness or family tragedy have no place on a mostly fluffy reality show. I fully agree the storylines should be real and provide an honest-ish glimpse into these women’s lives. But Lyme Disease has infected everything! Plus Yolanda is not giving us realness (about her own life or, apparently, allegedly, her children’s?), nor is she giving us the aspirational living required from the WEALTHIEST Housewives zipcode. Instead she’s giving us… well I don’t know if it’s Chronic Lyme, misdiagnosed menopause, Munchausen by Wikipedia, denial over an ailing marriage, or silicone poisoning?

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dance moms maddie

Those of us who have been watching Dance Moms for a hot second are no strangers to Abby Lee Miller melt downs, but last night certainly took the cake, didn’t it? As last night’s episode unfolds, Abby is in crisis mode at the ALDC LA studio, hair in hot rollers, dramatic phone call, and lots and lots of tears. The girls and their moms congregate at 7:30 in the morning, and everyone is thrilled to welcome Maddie back into the mix. Maddie catches up her friends on her rise to stardom, and they are just as excited for her as she is humble. It’s cute to see them and realize there is a tiny bit that is still genuine about this show. Her Hollywood escapades are interrupted by Abby screeching in the next room, and the mothers plot to send in the mini troupe to check on her. Their girls certainly don’t want that responsibility!

As the minis and moms converge on the studio, Jess quickly directs them to the back room where Abby is braless and sobbing on her cell. It’s beyond awkward, and the mini moms retreat. After they contain their giggles, Melissa and Jill try to coax Abby out of the back room, but she screams at them to leave. Melissa is peeved. Maddie just scored a prime photo shoot, and Abby needs to be excited for her daughter. Ashlee is upset that Abby isn’t focused on the newbies, and she goes head to head with Jill over who is more passive aggressive. Ashlee accuses Kendall of being as hateful as her mother, and Jill shrieks into the parking lot (followed by Melissa) to find photographers from Seventeen Magazine hoping to document Maddie’s time with the ALDC. Jill recalls that Abby didn’t want any outside projects, but Maddie is always an exception.

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Jax Taylor is arrested in Hawaii

Stassi Schroeder has returned and Jax Taylor got arrested. All in a days work for Vanderpump Rules, right? 

In Hawaii the group continues having a conniption fit over Lala Kent‘s existence. After Lala confronted Brittany Cartwright about Jax’s lying, and then confronted Jax about his lying, to which Jax lied about lying, Lala retreated to her hotel to cry into the complimentary towels. Reality TV is so hard! She just needs her mommy! But, as Lala pointed out, Faith also took off her top, but no one was yelling at her! Katie Maloney, a hypocrite? Nooooooo… 

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