Recaps

Carole-Radziwill-Tinsley-Mortimer-Guys-Sonjas-Party-RHONY

Please tell me the finale is not about Tom! It’s about Tom. And what a bittersweet ending The Real Housewives Of New York is giving us this season. Not even twenty-four hours after the ladies’ awesomely insane Mexico trip aired, Luann de Lesseps (yes, we’re back to the old name) announced she’d filed for divorce from Tom D’Agostino, who she’s spent the last eighteen episodes defending as the man who would make all of her dreams come true. In the end, poor Luann traded Countess for Wife, and all she had to show for it was Eggs a la Francaise on her face. But I’m here for single Lu ALL day, EVERY day. So perhaps, eighty-sixing Tom right smack on the heels of Luann totally rocking that Mexico vaycay is perfect timing after all. And given Tom’s (unsurprising) shady behavior last night, Luann’s move to kick his sorry, lying, cheating, de-mic’d a$$ to the curb deserves an extra champagne toast. Hurrah!!!

With Mexico in their rearview mirror, the ladies re-enter Manhattan’s orbit. For Tinsley Mortimer, this means planning a “Thank you and F**k you!” party for her grumpy hostess, Sonja Morgan. The question is: Will Sonja find clean underwear, get out of her dirty robe, and attend it?

wes-malia

After what felt like an unusually long charter season on Below Deck Mediterranean, we have finally arrived at tonight’s finale. Between all the hook ups, shifting friendship alliances and overdramatic fights, it’s hard to remember what the dynamic was even like at the start of the season. But one relationship we couldn’t forget (since it dragged out over every single episode) was the love triangle between Chef Adam Glick, Bosun Wesley Wiz Walton and Deckhand/Heartbreaker of the High Seas Malia White. And in case you thought the day would never come, it’s judgement day for Malia. Well, sort of. I have news for all of you Malia haters out there – you might be disappointed at the end of this.

Try as he might, Adam is unable to get Wiz-Golly-Shucks-I-Really-Like-The-Girl to truly give a damn that he is being played like a Croatian fiddle by Malia. I don’t even know if there is such a thing as a Croatian fiddle but if there is, Wiz is being played like one. Adam has not only prepared his speech to Wiz but he also did some “cross referencing” of dates, texts and locations of Malia’s tongue so that he could be fully present all of the evidence to Wiz to make sure he does not befall the same fate as Adam’s poor little broken grown-man heart. I mean, really, does Adam just have the worst case of being a sore loser or what? Well, maybe not the worst, as you’re about to see with The Milkshake Man later this episode, but Adam is close.

7Dance Moms ALDC

Last night’s Dance Moms was a veritable mess which comes as no surprise to those of us who have been watching this train wreck since its inception. However, normally I cringe at the ladies’ behavior, but that isn’t what I was doing with the latest episode. No, instead, I was in awe of Abby Lee Miller‘s boy toy, Jordy. He is a rapper. He is a vegan. Ladies and gentlemen, we received the greatest gift courtesy of Abby Lee…the earth’s first (and dare I say, only) vegan rapper. The world is a beautiful place (well, except for diary farms and meat packing). I’d been avoiding that new Netflix documentary because I love stuffing my face with junk far too much, but Jordy may have converted me.

As the show begins, we learn Abby is a week away from sentencing, and she’s spending that time touring Europe for some appearances and not at their upcoming competition. She calls the team together a day early for rehearsals so she can have some time with them before she leaves. Could this be Abby’s last pyramid? Fingers crossed! Abby breezes through the once drawn out tradition. Some girl Camryn, Nia, Kendall, and Brynn make up the bottom row, followed by Lilliana, Elliana, and an absent Kalani. Some girl Maesi is at the top of her pyramid, and hats off to her mother for rocking that amazing hairstyle. Or perhaps, should I say, hats on? In one of Abby’s beloved twists, she yanks the promised solos to the Ianas and gives them to Kalani, Brynn, and Kendall. The veteran moms are convinced this is a calculated move to make their girls’ last routine under Abby’s teaching a flop. They believe it will give Abby the opportunity to give up on the older dancers and focus on the minis…in the event she doesn’t go to jail.

javi

On Teen Mom 2, it’s another day, another baby. Or court case, either one would work for this crew. Kailyn Lowry has both – a new pregnancy and she’s heading to court with ex Javi Marroquin to get her emergency Protection From Abuse (PFA) enforced for an extended period of time. Chelsea DeBoer is also dealing with mediation with Adam Lind but it gets side tracked when he tested positive for drugs. Leah Messer is neither in court nor having a baby and is just trying to keep up with school and cheer practices while Briana DeJesus is dealing with Nova starting to notice she’s biracial. As for Jenelle Evans, she is fresh off a weekend away getting engaged to David Eason and ready to move into their new home soon.

Peggy Grabs Meghan's Lips

Last night on Real Housewives Of Orange County newbie Peggy Sulahian demonstrated that she doesn’t have to be your mother to be your muva! If you left your manners in the car when you came to her event, Peggy will surely get out the bar of scented soap you sell in your pop-up boutique to wash your mouth out. Peggy certainly taught Meghan Edmonds that children should be seen and not heard! Exactly Meg, just stand there and look all ‘I’ve never had a baby and look at my chessboard inspired dress, cause I’m like smart! And on quest for TRUTH! Justice!”

But first there’s Tamra Judge, who got judged by a parrot that called her “old” as she walked into a restaurant to meet a baby looking like an escapee from a biker bar. How could anyone even see Aspen underneath the giant bow that ate the baby’s face!? I hope that’s not catching…

Shahs of Sunset recap

On every Bravo reality show, there comes a crucial point in the filming of the season where it’s time to get the cast up and out of their element, all for the sake of the viewer’s entertainment. Shahs of Sunset fans, I bring you last night’s episode of the cast trip. Why they chose to do it so early in the season is still a bit of a mystery to me but let’s just go along for the ride like we do everything else.

Before vacation commences, Reza Farahan does have some important business to work on at home: humoring husband Adam Neely into thinking he will consider a surrogate to have their children. They meet the doctor, who looks like the villain from every recent James Bond movie I’ve seen, and settle into his office. But while Adam is ready to talk babies, Reza is transfixed with the doctor’s taste in furniture and calculates in his head how much the desk costs and how his surrogacy money would be paying for it.

Chantel-White-Dress-Hair-Down-90-Day-Fiance

TLC producers are obviously working overtime trying to unearth more sorry souls doomed to botch their lives forever, because after last night’s 90 Day Fiance: Happily Ever After, we bore witness to a new iteration of the 90 Day franchise – Before The 90 Days. While we’ll only be recapping our usual couples’ stories here at Reality Tea, feel free to comment on the new train wrecks folks as well as the old!

Our tales already in progress include star-crossed lovers, Chantel and Pedro, about to wed for the second time even though their families basically want to murder each other. Danielle and Mohamed, who are set to face off in court, continue to delude themselves that the other is 100% to blame for their disastrous marriage. We also find Russ having to accept Paola’s new grand plan of “starring” in a music video, which we all know she’ll do with or without his permission. And finally, Jorge pathetically plans to grovel to Anfisa about giving him a second chance to be systematically tortured.

The Real Housewives Of New York Recap: Make Out, Make Up

Much like the best house party you ever attended freshmen year, last night’s Real Housewives Of New York came replete with drunken makeout sessions, naked crying in the pool, and knifings. Yes – it was epic. And I may be fangirling out so hard that I have blinders on, but I’ll say it again: This Mexico trip is serving up some of the best Housewives moments in recent memory. It’s a rare gift, and we totally deserve it after suffering through the Tom and Luann D’Agostino [de Lesseps] wedding snooze fest for eight straight episodes!

We pick up with Sonja Morgan “therapizing” Ramona Singer by the pool. She wants Ramona to admit she’s not happy. Why? Because she’s not getting banged by Mario every night but some other chick is. Fresh off her 10 minute month sobriety, Sonja is feeling loose on tequila and truth. Bethenny Frankel thinks Sonja needs to back the eff off though, shockingly defending Ramona against Sonja’s drunken tirade. Ramona screams that she’s happy, but admits she misses having a man.