Recaps

The Real Housewives Of New York Recap: A Countess No More

After months of deflection, derailment, and Tom D’Agostino’s devilish doings, Countess Luann de Lesseps finally married the man who offers her the lifestyle of her dreams. Yes, Mrs. Luann D’Agostino is now a commoner! Jet setting to Palm Beach, vacationing in Aspen, lolling around the balcony of her Manhattan penthouse wondering whether she should eat another peeled grape. In short, she’s just like us! If we were filthy rich and married to questionable dudes. But the ladies of The Real Housewives Of New York aren’t quite done questioning Luann’s every move, and they have another chance to openly gawk at her happiness when she invites them to a post-wedding celebration.

Speaking of parties, Bethenny Frankel hosts one of her own – but guess who’s not invited? Okay, we all know it’s Ramona Singer. Because homegirl went NUCLEAR last week in the Berkshires and is persona non grata to both Bethenny and Dorinda Medley now. Poor Dorinda is still resurrecting her house from the Ramonsoon that all but destroyed the joint, not to mention Sonja Morgan jacking her PJ’s in broad daylight! There’s also moving afoot. As in: Adam moving out of Carole Radziwill’s litterbox apartment, and Frenchie moving into Sonja’s townhouse. Tinsley Mortimer, as always, is left pondering the life choices that brought her to this tragic rung on the downwardly mobile socialite ladder.

Below Deck Mediterranean Recap - Chef Adam

There must be something in the water on Below Deck Mediterranean. If you thought the eye roll-worthy love triangle between Deckhand Malia White, Bosun Wesley Wiz Walton, and Chef Adam GropesALot Glick was over, you would be wrong. It’s just getting started and as a slimy bonus, let’s throw in Bobby Giancola for good measure. Feeling sea sick yet? Don’t worry, you will soon and it has nothing to do with the onion soup.

Speaking of, let’s check in on the Man Who Cannot Not Onion when it comes to chef-ing: Adam. He is busy throwing an onion sized hissy fit that Chief Steward Hannah Ferrier didn’t use her ESP to know that the guest ferry to the waterfalls were delayed and therefore, caused the picnic food Adam so angrily prepared to sit out and possibly spoil. You guys know what hate sex is right? I feel like Adam could make hate cooking a thing.

southern-charm-recap

On last night’s episode of Southern Charm Savannah, the crew is cleaning up the wreckage from Hurricane Matthew. While they can’t decide what was more devastating–the storm or that dinner party–Happy McCullough and Catherine Cooper are driving around assessing the damage. Happy admits that she was sickened by Nelson Lewis’ defense of his racist comments at the pre-Matthew dinner party, and Catherine is understanding…while giving Nelson Lewis the benefit of the doubt for just being an idiot.

Hannah Pearson‘s three sisters (one of whom is a Maggie Gyllenhaal clone) arrive from Atlanta and Denver for Louis‘ birthday celebration, and they dish on their parents’ divorce and their father’s subsequent random relationships. The split has been hard on the family, but it’s even more taxing now that their father has tasked his girls with bridging a friendship gap between him and their mother. Given the list of his recent dalliances and a description of their evening wear, I’m guessing that bridge is going to be

kathryn-dennis-daughter

Finally Southern Charm has tapped into some drama that has nothing to do with a hot-tempered twenty-something and an aging politician who likes the scent of cocaine a woman…well, many women! After last week’s episode, where Kathryn Dennis and Thomas Ravenel finally slightly buried the hatchet, the once feuding duo is leaving the relationship madness for their cast mates…for the most part, at least. Naomie Olindo and Craig Conover are still struggling their way through couple’s therapy, and Shep Rose has become an unwanted equilateral corner in a love triangle with Austen Kroll and Chelsea Meissner.

Cam calls Chelsea in hopes of a happy hour to fill her time while her husband is on call. Unfortunately, Chelsea is meeting Kathryn at a shop downtown to help finalize the wardrobe for her upcoming photo shoot with daughter Kensie. When offered an invitation, Cameran jumps at the chance–either she really hates being home alone, or she’s slowly warming up to the idea of hanging with Kathryn. What would Patricia say about this turn of events?

karen-huger

When it comes to the Real Housewives franchise, there are a few things you can count on to happen consistently every season: pointless get togethers will be held (Renewal Party, anyone?) and a cast trip will be taken. The Real Housewives of Potomac got the short end of the stick last year, being sent to Ashley Darby’s Delaware beach house, which ended up to be the total disaster we all imagined it would be. But with a new season comes a new upgrade and these housewives are headed to Bermuda! At the trip planning helm is self-appointed Grande Dame of Potomac, Karen Huger and maybe/sort of/not really Charrisse Jackson-Jordan is there to assist. Just don’t call her an assistant. These two have nothing better to do than plan trips and then fight over who gets to claim hosting privileges and the whole matter (can we really even call it a matter?) still hasn’t been resolved by the time they leave for paradise.

Despite the lack of importance in who is hosting the trip, the confusion for the rest of the ladies deepens when they arrive at their resort in Bermuda and receive welcome baskets signed by only Karen. Of course Charrisse is now feeling extra slighted that her good name was left off some dumb welcome baskets and this type of oversight is coming at the worst possible time for her – not only did she just have a wedding anniversary, which she celebrated by texting Eddie at midnight and got no response, but it’s also her birthday coming up. All these days that are supposed to be happy markers in life are just showing Charrisse that she’s more and more on her own. Not having her name attached to a welcome basket is icing on the cake, I guess? It’s enough to make a gal hit on the bell boy bringing your bags up to the room.

LWLA-Cast-Mud-Run-LWLA-002

On this week’s Little Women: LA it’s time for the ladies to attack each other in a mud pit. Which seems a fitting metaphor for their storylines friendships, no? While Terra Jole continues to wave her book releases in everyone’s faces, Briana Renee finds herself pretty much forced to challenge Terra on the name of her book, thanks to Jasmine Sorge’s oddly incessant instigation. She also finds herself accused of poor hygiene again, which I still cannot believe is being put on BLAST on national TV (!!!). But guess who gives absolutely zero f–ks about Terra and her precious book releases? Christy McGinity Gibel, that’s who. She’s had enough of Terra’s messy meddling, so she refuses flat out to sign a release – now or ever. Boom.

Back at the nail salon, Elena Gant and Jasmine are still bickering about why Jasmine is trying to fight Briana’s battles. Yeah, Jasmine, why are you suddenly Briana’s dragon? The irony of Briana wanting to claim the “fierce” title, but relying on others to do the claiming for her is not lost on us. Also not lost on us is the fact that Elena and Jasmine can barely get through this totally manufactured fight without giggling and smirking the entire time. They make up in the end, agreeing to disagree. Because the network requires it Jasmine is the children’s godmother, after all.

The Real Housewives Of New York Recap: Black Out And Get Out

It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s the bitter sour patch kid in Kelly Bensimon’s gummy bear bag! Okay, it’s just Jill Zarin trying to make herself happen again – but still! For long-time Real Housewives Of New York fans, the return of Jill feels kind of epic, if short lived. Also epic is the throw down in the Berkshires, starring Ramona Quimby Age 8 Singer and Bethenny Frankel, who decide to further impose upon Dorinda Medley’s gracious hosting by getting naked and mud wrestling in her parlor. Well, nearly.

Bethenny does pull a spread eagle while screaming at Ramona though, which sort of feels like a low rent Wonder Woman move gone dangerously awry. And Ramona uncorks the long-buried demons of Scary Island as she eviscerates Bethenny like never before. Her motto last night: When they go low, I go Pinot! In essence, the drama this week is served upside down, with a twist of crazy. Just the way the Housewives like it.

Below Deck Mediterranean recap

Last week on Below Deck Mediterranean, we were left with a real conundrum – the Med’s most wanted deckhand Malia White couldn’t decide who she wanted to kiss more – Wesley Wiz Walton or Chef Adam GropesALot Glick. So she did what any girl who can’t decide would do and kissed both of them. Apparently, this is a big no no in Lauren Cohen’s world but really, it’s hard to take dating guidelines from the girl who went out on a group date with our favorite goon, Bobby Giancola, and hooked up with him anyway.

I mean, what year are we in here? I know the Mediterranean is full of history but I didn’t realize we set sail back in time. Who cares if Malia kissed two people? But the most annoying person on the planet crew, Lauren, refuses to let it go. She’s so desperate for everyone to like her that she throws girl code out the window and wastes no time slut shaming Malia to anyone who will listen. And the worst part is that she does it by running to tell everyone after seeing Malia with her lipstick smeared on her face. Funny how Lauren has been so upset with everyone talking about her but it’s perfectly okay for her to do the same to someone else.