Shannon Beador on QVC

Sheesh was last night’s Real Housewives Of Orange County a big ole snooze. When the most exciting thing that happens is Shannon Beador bending over on national TV (and I don’t think she was attempting the Legally Blonde Bend & Snap!) before wobbling her own self-described gut, you know it’s gonna be a good one!

Look, I feel for Gina Whatserfacernameo, but I am so tired of her talking about her divorce! I KNOW, I KNOW – getting divorced is traumatic, painful, and all-consuming, but we’re not connected to Gina or Mystery Meat Matt who just walked through our door, and yet every episode features Gina crying over how she knows she’s doing the right thing by ending her marriage, but yada, yada, yada… 

Jen Howell - Below Deck Season 5

Regular old Below Deck returns this week, which means swapping Hannah Ferrier‘s bitchiness for Kate Chastain‘s supreme bitchiness, but at least we can trust Kate not to date one of her yachtie interns compatriots.

This season Captain Lee Rosbach is headed to Tahiti, the less explored island territory that promises hedonism, fire dancing, and gorgeous sights. It also promises a new cast of yachties. I can’t say I’ll miss a single soul from last season. Like not for one stinking hot minute because none of them are Chef Ben or Rocky. A season without Nico Schollys sleaze is a good one indeed!

So with that being said, let’s recap last season and catch up on all the drama we’ve forgotten.

90 Day Fiance Before The 90 Days Recap: The Things We Do For Love

Hello Darcey. Hello Daughters. It is illusion. Dat I’m da Fodder. So the time’s come. Dat we end this. Now go home and cut your damn steak. On da bias.

Welcome to Camp Crazy! What the actual f**k did we witness on 90 Day Fiance: Before The 90 Days last night? What a swirling toilet bowl of drama this show is – and there’s no climbing out now. This week, there was beach-side rapping, a dramatic near death experience in four feet of water (!!), a hateful break up in an Uber, jacked up proposals galore, and – sadly – tragic news for Paul and Karine.

Real Housewives Of Dallas - Brandi is hurt by Cary & Kameron

Every episode of Real Housewives Of Dallas is like a game of Fast and Furious – it’s action-packed, moves like a designer-dressed ninja squad (or Mean Girls the never grown up years) and by the end of the day they’re all friends and wearing monogrammed pajamas. At least no K-Cups were harmed in the making of this episode; baby kangaroos on the other hand…

Stephanie Hollman decided that after these girls smashed heavy artillery and saw what it was like to work for a living – I mean, can Jesus fix a broken nail?! – they all need a recuperating spa day. Also, she hopes to smash back down any bad feelings which popped up in their therapeutic bashing session.

I mean, nice idea, Stephanie but there’s no way Brandi Redmond is forgetting how LeeAnne Locken and Kameron Westcott called her a bad influence and warned D’Andra Simmons away from her. Besides, all that “talk” started at the rodeo with LeeAnne having a little pep talk with Kameron about the type of gal Brandi is!

Survivor: David vs. Goliath Premiere Episode Recap: A Bad Break

What’s up my Survivor people? It’s so great to be back covering the show that I love, and what an explosive, promising start to Season 37! The early buzz is that people are loving the potential of this cast, and if nothing else, the “David vs. Goliath” theme of the season has created some early players to root for, and some to root against, simply by how they were categorized out of the gate. So much to get to, so – as seems to be the main slogan on Big Brother 20 this season – LET’S GOOOOO!

I bring up Big Brother not just because its 20th Season Finale followed the Survivor: David vs. Goliath Premiere (and that I’m a huge fan of that show as well), but Survivor managed to steal Big Brother’s motto during the first episode: Expect the unexpected. We’re used to hearing Julie Chen, er, Julie Chen Moonves utter this phrase, but we’re not quite accustomed to hearing Jeff Probst say it. Well he did by the end of the episode, because the way this one ended was one of the most shocking right-turns the game has ever seen, so much so that the biggest event of the night didn’t even occur on camera…and that’s pretty hard to pull off considering the number of cameras this show uses 24/7. But “the unexpected” ending, in the words of contestant Gabby Pascuzzi: “Fits so perfectly, in the worst way,” with the “underdogs vs. favorites” theme of this season. Expect more of the unexpected in the weeks to come.

One thing you CAN expect though is this little disclaimer before we dive in: As I do at the beginning of every Recap, please heed the following: Remember that this recap assumes that you have already seen this week’s Premiere Episode of Survivor: David vs. Goliath, so if you have not and don’t want to be spoiled, please come back later! It’s important to add too that while we WILL hit on all of the important developments of the episode, this is not a linear “blow-by-blow” recap, and is more of a discussion and reaction of what we just witnessed together.


Real Housewives Of Orange County Recap: Jesus Take Vicki’s Fun Bus License…

On last night’s Real Housewives Of Orange County the morality police came for Gina Kirschenheiter, and if there’s one person who shouldn’t be presiding over other people’s morals it’s Vicki Gunvalson! Especially as Gina’s biggest sin is her tongue-twister of a last name. Errrrr… I mean, that she doesn’t believe in organized religion.

For some reason, everyone is supremely bothered that Gina wants to divorce her husband Matt because they’ve simply fallen out of love. I believe the court’s term for this is “irreconcilable differences,” and that Vicki, Kelly Dodd, and Tamra Judge nee Barney have all pulled the same shenanigan when ditching a husband for being too boring. All aboard the fun bus or bust, right?! And their husbands even lived with them, whereas Matt moved over an hour away and is too busy to see his kids for more than one weekend a month. Um, really??!

Personally I think they’re all aghast that Gina doesn’t appreciate the perfection of her situation – she has all the perks of a husband (who also happens to be hot): sex, financial security, doesn’t need to work, cushy home, nanny, but doesn’t have to put UP with a husband! These women probably do believe that a man who’s completely checked out of his marriage unless he’s depositing cash in the bank account is one worth keeping!

90 Day Fiance Before The 90 Days Recap:

What have we done to deserve the beautiful disaster of 90 Day Fiance: Before The 90 Days? Ah, who cares! Let’s just warm our hands by the soft glow of this dumpster fire and congratulate ourselves on every life decision we’ve ever made. Because if that isn’t the point of this show, I don’t know what is. Last night, we saw desperation and delusional thinking at its finest. We also saw a pink tank top continue to do the noble work of a 48-hour shift, containing Angela within its weary spandex threads long enough for her to rip Michael several new bung-holes.

Before we get to them, let’s check in with Rachel and Jon, the two most self-absorbed “victims of love” to cry many tears on national TV. Now that Rachel is back in Albuquerque, she needs to face reality – with the help of an immigration attorney (FINALLY). After Skyping with Jon at home to trade googly eyes at one another and mutually lamenting how much “the world is against them,” she heads out to a lawyer’s office for advice.

RHOD Anger Zone

On last night’s Real Housewives Of Dallas, the ladies smashed each other, bashed each other, and then walked on broken glass with each other’s feelings.

I don’t know what kind of therapist LeeAnne Locken is seeing, but apparently, anything to avoid actual therapy. She’s gone from massaging her amygdala and zapping it with zen, to slamming a sledgehammer into a mirror while fake crying about how she will not let anger destroy very real friendships with very fake friends.

The only misconception that got smashed real good though t’was the idea that LeeAnne is truly friends with D’Andra Simmons. Lord – these two are more wrecked than a dressing room after a debutante ball!