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Recaps

Tom Sandoval Vanderpump Rules

On last night’s Vanderpump Rules Tom Sandoval got bit by the itsy-crazy spider and lost his head. That spider was the black widow of man-sanity!

Charli Burnett and Dayna Kathan are both finishing their training at SUR. While Charli is feeling right at home in the bosom of Scheana Marie‘s attentions, Dayna is feeling ostracized. Being called a mini Scheana Marie is definitely NOT a compliment, and considering that Charli claims she’s never eaten pasta she is not gong to fit in well here because it is literally ALL about the pasta!

Scheana is trying to play mind games with Dayna by pretending the still has her acrylic claws into Max Boyens. Scheana shows up at SUR to pick up a uniform and announces that she’s going to crash boys night to confront Max for calling her “boy crazy.” Because nothing says ‘I’m completely sane and not at all desperate’ like wearing an ill-fitting, cleavage baring dress and interrupting a bro-down to discuss about relationship boundaries with a person you’ve never had a relationship with outside of sending him a stalking device FOR THANKSGIVING.

Kate Chastain Below Deck

Do male scorpions sting? Or is it females? Or both? On Below Deck everyone is feeling stung, which is maybe why they’re also lashing out.

Rhylee Gerber was doing fairly well after her pep talk from Captain Lee Rosbach saved her from getting fired, but a few crispy scorpions (and dickish deckhands) proved to be her undoing. Poor Rhylee – this is the worst case of gaslighting ever!

But first — sexyThaitimes! Alexis Bellino is still dry-humping her way to heaven. The former Real Housewives Of Orange County star is on board to celebrate her divorce from Jim by begging her new boyfriend to propose. Remember when Jesus Barbie aspired to be nothing more than the perfect Christian wife, toting a blinged-out bible to prayer practice (which obviously took place while simultaneously spinning)? Well Alexis abandoned that in a Coto Mansion. New Alexis is more Eve who ate the apple right off Drew Bohn‘s tree. Sadly we had to witness the whole thing.

Tanya Sam Real Housewives Of Atlanta

Well, knock me over with a strand of fake hair because Kenya Moore finally got ousted for wearing a wig on last night’s Real Housewives Of Atlanta. And no thanks to Tanya Sam, who will not be taking thinly veiled insinuations that her fiancé Paul Judge is cheating lying down!

Back from Tanada everyone had a great trip – especially Porsha Williams who is now re-engaged to Dennis McKinley. Is that a good idea? Not if you ask Porsha’s sister Lauren! Porsha decides the thing to do is organize a dinner where Dennis will apologize to Mama Diane and Lauren, then they can all act like nothing bad ever happened!

After traveling Eva Marcille is exhausted. Eva’s also stressed because she’s days away from petitioning the court to allow a name change for Marley, which will pave the way for Mike Sterling to formally adopt her. Mike is the only father Marley has ever known, but Eva still worries that the abusive ‘donor daddy’ might make a sudden trip down to Atlanta, violating restraining orders, to contest the proceedings. Mike is not worried. I guess as a prosecutor he’s come up against plenty of hardened criminals so one little Instagram model with a temper – however horrendous and evil – isn’t quite as scary?

90 Day Fiance Recap: Blindsided

Last night’s episode of 90 Day Fiance was filled with possible endings and new beginnings. Just when you thought things couldn’t get any worse, the one of the cast says something unbelievable. We as viewers are already skeptical about the relationships, we don’t expect the couple to admit to that as well. Stay tuned things get very interesting.

Blake and Jasmin argue for the first time. Mike returns to Washington. Michael Ilesanmi’s family confronts Angela Deem about their wedding. Tania Maduro makes a revelation that pushes Syngin Colchester away. Michael Jessen and Juliana Custodio‘s wedding day arrives. Let’s get straight into the recap!

Tracie Wagaman Life After Lockup

This season of Life After Lockup really is the craziest yet. They’re billing it as the most unhinged season, and they’re not wrong. Straight facts. The ringleaders of the two love triangles Lacey and Michael Simmons are on more thing ice than ever. Lacey’s concern over former flame John is not going over well with new hubby Shane. Also, Michael’s in for a surprise because Sarah Simmons is coming for him.

The biggest talking point heading into this episode is the return of Clint Brady & Tracie Wagaman. She’s back in jail, and we need to know EVERYTHING. How could she let this happen? She seemed so determined to get her life on the straight and narrow. Cheryl and Josh are giving things another shot which really is shocking. They seemed so done last season. Ugh. Lamar Jackson returned to Utah on last week’s episode, so we’ll see where he and Andrea Edwards stand as well.

Married At First Sight Recap- I Married A Stranger

On last night’s episode of Married At First Sight the final two couples walked down the aisle. All five pairs will get a chance to interact with their spouse’s friends and family. I don’t know if I am more hopeful after watching or even more convinced about my original thoughts. Only time will tell who has made a huge mistake. I definitely have some front runners in that area. Everything will become clear once they move in together.

All the couples dance the night away at their wedding receptions.  Then it’s time for their first night together as husband and wife. Can someone say “awkward”?! I guess there is no way around getting better acquainted when you need help getting out of your wedding dress. Let’s get straight into the recap!

Margaret Josephs Real Housewives Of New Jersey

Margaret Josephs and Danielle Staub are at WAR on The Real Housewives of New Jersey. The fallout from last week’s episode will likely last all season. It’s a bloodbath in the Garden State. Teresa Giudice is directly in the middle, and her friendship with Marge is in big jeopardy. Teresa’s somewhat blind loyalty to Danielle is mind boggling. What is she doing here? Why does she want to be her ally so badly?

It’s also only a matter of time before some of the other women have a falling out. For the most part everyone’s getting along right now. That’s going to change. It wouldn’t be Housewives if it wasn’t going to. It’s probably a safe bet that it’ll be Jennifer Aydin who finds herself at odds with someone. Will it be Jackie Goldschneider again? Although someone new would be more exciting. 

Kristen Doute Vanderpump Rules

Vanderpump Rules has found itself at a crosshairs. Last night I witnessed Jax Taylor and Katie Maloney behave like mature-ish adults as they attempted to set some reasonable boundaries with Kristen Doute and Brian Carter about how their toxic codependency is affecting everyone else’s lives.

I mean I know Jax was just cosplaying the dad from Family Ties because he’s about to be a married adulterer adulter soon, but this show is not supposed to be about capable adults acting accordingly. Vanderpump Rules is supposed to be about drunken, unhinged twenty-somethings who screw, scheme, and cry their way through terrible choices and still emerge with flawless skin.

On that vein, absolutely nobody cares about Jax’s wedding to Brittany Cartwright. Brittany sincerely believes everyone is as invested in her bridal registry and knot.com page as she is. Also this wedding that she’s planning has absolutely nothing to do with Jax, who might as well be a rent-a-fiance from some Hallmark Movie about proving to your judgmental small town relatives that you’re not an unmarriageable career woman, repugnant to blandly attractive men in tight sweaters. This wedding is about Brittany living out her fantasy, and her friends would rather let her merry hijack them than Kristen’s misery. I don’t blame them!