I'm sure the Mexican government is bogged down with the drug war, but they also need to turn their attentions to a more pressing issue: The Battle For Tamra Barney. I predict a full-fledged blonde extensions tearing, botox rearranging, wine bottle throwing, Gretchen Christine Plastic Sack swinging, stiletto stabbing, lip gloss jabbing, boob job deflating battle on next week's episode of Real Housewives of Orange County. Get the popcorn ready!
On last night's episode the ladies remained in Mexico to terrorize the locals. Vicki Gunvalson decided it was high time she reasserted herself as the true BFF of Tamra, so she smuggled her out to a Mexican bar and forced her to woodenly shake her butt on the bar like they were 20. You can just call her Vicki FUNvalson!
Oh ladies… Grannies Gone Wild! Poor Lydia McLauglin, forced into light-up Minnie Mouse ears that were leftovers from a Disney on Ice performance in the area, didn't even look like she was having fun but was putting on a drunk act to fit in.
Tina is upset because things seem to be changing between her and Tarz. He's too into work, and she feels totally unwanted. Tina feels stupid airing her issues, and she hates that Tarz doesn't seem to find her as attractive as he used to before they were married. He wants to scale back, but his inner workaholic isn't letting him.
John is hoping to show Kathryn that he is capable of manual labor by painting the nursery. She was raised by a handy father, while he grew up thinking that a true sign of success was the ability to hire people to do those things for you. Thankfully, before he can paint too much, there is a tanning salon emergency because the beds won't work. As Kathryn tries to fix the problem, John keeps shushing her. He's very dismissive of her part in the business. If I were Kathryn, John would have a paintbrush where the sun doesn't shine.
Whoa, Nellie! Last night's Love & Hip Hop Atlanta was full of bleeped out rants and blurred out bodies, so basically it was like any other Monday night!
Mimi Faustand Ariane are still vacationing in New York City on what has to be the least fun trip ever. While Mimi is over all things with K. Michelle, she is concerned that Ariane is straddling the fence. She needs to choose between Mimi and K. Michelle. Ariane assures Mimi of where her loyalty lies, and Mimi asks for her take on Nikko. Not beating around the bush, Ariane tells her friend that she believes Nikko is not very genuine, but she's happy as long as Mimi is happy.
Lil' Scrappy has called Shay in Erica Dixon's absence. She is happy to come by and give him a massage and chat about their relationship. The pair decides–much to Shay's chagrin–that sex ultimately ruined their friendship, and they'll have to cut out the "benefits" portion of their relationship. Of course, Scrappy makes this decision while rubbing on Shay in his bed. No one is shocked, are they?
But first, Amanda Bertoncini and Joey Lauren must kinda, sorta, not really deal with the fallout from last week's drunken pool party. Amanda's annoying voice opens the show, sharing, "A slap in the face heals but a harsh word is always remembered," adding, "I'm surprised that half the girls in Long Island don't have black eyes." #lifelessonsbybravo
So, Joey meets Amanda to talk about the Jeff/Sara/Facebook drama, and she kind of apologizes for, um, something. However, Joey refuses to accept any responsibility for the hurtful words that were said or the drinks that were thrown, and Amanda still believes that Joey should have at least asked her friend to leave the party. In the end, Amanda accepts Joey's apology, but she vows to keep her eye on her in the future.
On last night's episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey the Gorgadice battle continued, although the small beginnings of a peace treaty seemed to have been forged. Maybe…
Things begin in Casa de Giudice. Teresa Giudice is cooking while wrangling four screaming girls. Apparently there is some confustion (Teresa tawk) about who is actually the mama because while Milania is playing on the stove terrorizing some peppers, Gia is lecturing her about safety. Teresa meanwhile is flitting around in full hair and makeup yelling, "O.M.G!"
Teresa says she always reminds her girls to stick together and not end up married to men their siblings hate. Then she gives them a lecture on table manners. 1) Like, don't scream 'prostitution whore' unless the person really is a prostitution whore and has been engaged like 19 times! Like O.M.G!
Last night on Don't Be Tardy, the Biermann family celebrated Christmas and argued about traditions. See, Kim Zolciak's traditions include dropping thousands upon thousands on tacky Christmas decorations like she lives in the White House where as Kroy Biermann's traditions include embracing the true meaning of Christmas: family and quality time.
Eventually in a Bravo-tized version of The Christmas Carol, Wigenezer Scrooge realizes Christmas isn't about Cartier and $4000 diamond-studded Christmas trees with a LV logo, but about the people you love the most!
Things begin with Kim trying to convince us she's a young woman of 35 by getting Thermage, a laser face lift. At first I thought Kim must be getting vaginal rejuvenation because her skirt slit was so high she was borderline in need of a black modesty bar to hide the ladybits. I was wrong though – apparently one just wears really revealing clothing to the dermatologist!
Abby Lee Miller is back! It's like she never left, right? Last night was the premiere of the new season (second half of a prolonged season?) of Dance Moms, and it did not disappoint. Two hours, y'all! Too much, or not enough?
The moms and daughters arrive for a new season after a month long break, and Abby hasn't forgotten the sting of losing to Cathy's Candy Apples. Kelly is upset that she's still fighting with all of her friends. Before the pyramid can even begin, Abby reveals that she is livid about losing to Cathy. She also shares that Asia is in L.A. pursuing a great opportunity that Abby supports. The moms realize it's only a matter of time before Kristie 2.0 returns. Kendall is on the bottom of the pyramid. Perhaps she would have done better if she hadn't cried like a baby. Yep, I'd say Abby's back with a vengeance.
Last night on Real Housewives of Orange County we were treated to a delightfully classy over-the-hill bachelorette party for one in particular mid-life crisis bride's third wedding.
If that weren't enough Lauri Peterson demonstrated her desperation for relevance by sharing so-called salacious details about Vicki Gunvalson's sex life. I barely made it through last night's episode without throwing up. Thanks for that Bravo.
Things begin with newbie Lydia McLaughlin, in all her wide-eyed optimism, showing up at Tamra Barney's house for some girl talk. Walking into the evil sorceress' cave, Lydia holds her magic fairy dust shield close to her heart and remembers to think positive.
Lydia is just like so impressed and keeps talking about how "classy" and "fancy" Tamra's hostessing is. First of all, the word "classy" and Tamra do not belong in the same sentence.