Recaps

Heather Dubrow Holds Orange

Manners, decorum, propriety… oh my! After 5 seasons of educating us on how to behave and why, Heather Dubrow has entered Housewives Protection Program, changed her locks, and left Real Housewives Of Orange County

Now it’s time to give an official farewell to Bravo’s First Lady of Perfectly Chilled Champs. After years of Heather pontificating about the right way to do wrong, and the wrong way to do wrong, and the wrong way to do everything in between, it only seems appropriate to memorialize Heather The Housewife with an affirmational retrospective.

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Just in case The Real Housewives Of New York didn’t have enough tequila during the first night of their trip, Bethenny Frankel decides to free them from their resort habitat to drink straight from the agave fields in the town of Tequila itself! It’s like a Housewives birthright trip, wherein they head back to the ultimate power-source of all Bravo drama. Luann D’Agostino [de Lesseps], champ that she is, rallies from her multiple falls in time to partake, as does power-napping Dorinda Medley. The only question before Bethenny’s outing is this: Will Ramona Singer be murdered in her sleep by the house staff allowed to go?

The morning after Sonja Morgan and Ramona tore through rooms like Hurricane Crazy, the group awakens to a new day. Dorinda and Luann are practicing yoga on the patio while Carole Radziwill is inside demanding bean-free huevos rancheros. Luann is relieved to be alive, and without a scratch to boot! Tinsley Mortimer is giddy over the enormous bouquet of flowers delivered to her from new boyfriend, Scott. She’ll have to stick a pin in that joy for now, though, because there are fights to be had! Namely, between Ramona and Bethenny.

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On Below Deck Mediterranean, the natives are restless. I repeat: the natives are restless. Atomic wedgies are being given, crew alliances are shifting, and primary charter guests are making the Sirocco their own personal swingers club. And just when you think the crew love triangle between Malia White, Adam Glick and Wesley Wiz Walton has possibly come to an end, it rears its ugly head again, all because no one involved in it can let go. Looks like the crew knows a thing or two about swinging.

We resume in Dubrovnik, the scene of Adam giving Wiz an unwarranted wedgie with so much force, that it actually rips Wiz’s underpants. Wiz, of course, is not happy and a small scuffle ensues, with only Hannah Ferrier there to separate them from a full on noogie battle to the death. Of course I can’t blame Wiz for being bright red with anger over having his underwear ripped up his butt – not only is that incredibly uncomfortable (I’m assuming) but ridiculously childish.

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As fun as it was watching a pregnant Jenelle Evans argue with boyfriend/grumpy furniture mover David Eason for the entirety of last week’s Teen Mom 2 episode, we have much needed reprieve tonight. Instead, all of the drama in tonight’s episode revolves around the aftermath of Briana DeJesus finding out that her baby daddy, Luis has been cheating on her for quite some time.

After a three hour long conversation with the girl Luis has been cheating with, Briana now has to sit down and tell her mom and sister what’s been going on. When she starts to talk to them, they jump to the random conclusion that she is now having twins and maybe that would be the better scenario instead of this. Either way, Briana explains that Luis has been cheating and mom Roxanne breaks down, saying she thought he would be different and would be stepping up to help with this baby but he’s just another loser who won’t be around. Roxanne doesn’t have the ability to support Briana like she did with Nova and she didn’t think she would have to.

Shannon flips Kelly Off

Last night’s Real Housewives Of Orange County was like getting food poisoning at a BBQ thrown by a person you cannot stand, but whose party you have to attend because they’re related to your significant other. Basically it was like all of Shannon Beador‘s Thanksgivings – saddled to David and his dour mother who possibly put Ex-Lax in the cranberries she pretended to make from scratch. But it wasn’t just the food that was poisoned last night – there were all sorts of hellish encounters, and no one’s saintly patience was tested more than Shannon’s! Oh Shannon – can we take you nowhere without an incident or scene? Recounting your Housewives history, the answer, thankfully, is NO!

There is probably no one who loves a Real Housewives “dinner from hell” more than I do. In fact, I quit throwing dinner parties because mine are never terrible enough. It’s probably because I don’t have enough psychic friends, or frenemies who despise each other, or friends going through terrible personal dramas they want to talk about on TV, but refuse to let anyone else discuss. No one has ever thrown a plate full of steak at me either. Maybe I should just give up dinner altogether. I should also probably avoid my friends’ children’s birthday parties because they’re just the usual kids running around and eating too much cake. No middle-aged women argue, storm off, or have histrionic meltdowns over semantics. 

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We are only on episode two of the new season of Shahs of Sunset and I’m already tired of hearing the Persian Priestess turned Diamond Water Maker turned Kaftan Peddler Asa Soltan Rahmati go on and on about her unborn vegan baby. I wish someone could give me an epidural for the rest of the season to take the pain away.

Speaking of things we have to endure, Golnesa “GG” Gharachedaghi is back in full effect this episode and she is ready to make amends all over the place. I don’t even know if she understands what she is apologizing for but she plans on throwing those apologies out faster than she can go from belligerent drunk to blackout drunk. GG arrives at Asa’s house to eat some hummus and drink the weird watermelon juice Asa has set out. Note: not diamond water. But Asa is true to her new craft, the overpriced kaftans she wears nonstop, and today is no exception. GG shovels zucchini into her mouth with her talons and tells Asa how skinny she looks, despite Asa’s constant attempts to get GG to notice her baby bump.

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On last night’s 90 Day Fiance, Chantel got to see where all of Pedro’s money is going when she and her family traveled down to the Dominican Republic for their second wedding. Chantel’s parents were also confronted by a plate of chicken feet, which went over about as well as…a plate of chicken feet. Paola continued to make Russ her indentured servant, Mohamed and Danielle continued to torture each other on social media, and Anfisa spontaneously lost 250 pounds when she kicked Jorge out of the apartment.

We begin in Ohio, where Danielle successfully orders a cup of coffee, then whines to her sister and brother in law, Paul, about how she still wants to be frieeeeeends with Mohamed. Paul is like: Wake up, woman! He knows Danielle would take Mohamed back in a heartbeat if he even answered one of her sad texts. Beth, who is also in attendance, nods in agreement. But Danielle swears this time it’s for real, ya’ll! She even wants her family to write affidavits in support of her fraud case. (Wait – Danielle actually learned the word affidavit? This is getting serious.)

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Another season of Little Women: LA over, another random woman on the reunion couch reliving the details of hooking up with resident sleezeball, Matt Ericson [Grundhoffer]. At this point, it’s almost like the rancid cherry on top of each season’s finale – and the grotesque segue into Briana Renee and Matt’s subsequent Lifetime spinoff. As Matt’s Alaska hookup, Stephania, joins Kevin Frazier and the cast to tell “her side of the story,” Briana fights back – and Matt pathetically cries. And – ugh!!! It’s just too much! Haven’t we suffered enough? No more of this totally depressing marriage, please.

Part two picks up with Stephania joining the group. She explains meeting “sad, lonely” Matt after getting off of her shift, then listening to his tale of woe at the bar. Her assessment: His wife was to blame for his troubles, and also for the kiss that happened afterward! Briana apparently came down to the bar to yell at them, which fueled Matt’s fire and justified his reasons for being a sh*tty tortured husband. Stephania insipidly excuses her own actions, claiming she just wanted to understand this troubled man better! So she pulled him into a no-camera zone (employee workspace), let him kiss her after he walked her home (which he claims to have apologized for), then bid him goodnight. Yeah, right.