Recaps

Stassi

I almost have no words for the dysfunction of last night’s Vanderpump Rules. Maybe Stassi Schroeder is aging in reverse. Not in that ‘she looks fabulous way’ of Lisa Vanderpump, but of the OMG – is she really throwing a toddler temper tantrum at her own birthday party. I think I read a Berenstain Bears book about that called “Too Much Birthday.”

Could Stassi and Ariana Madix buy a 2-for-1 therapy session on Groupon? Or maybe Jax Taylor‘s reiki healer can mend the hole in Stassi’s forehead by using her calming touch to transforms it into a halo of happiness. Is that medically possible? Jax and Stassi can skip off into the sunset together happy, at peace, alive! Kristen Doute would lose her soulmate.

Sister Wives Recap:

You know you’ve been waiting with baited breath for this Sister Wives wedding…even if it did happen over a year ago. Timely or not, Kody’s Brown’s hair, Christine’s crazy eyes, and Robyn’s whining did not disappoint. Even Meri smiled a few times! It’s a wedding miracle! Oh, and Janelle was there too, watching as Mykelti and Tony sealed their vows with a freezing kiss. I’m just glad their lips didn’t get stuck together a la that kid and the flag pole in A Christmas Story. Let’s dive on into this mess, shall we?

The Brown family only has an hour to set up for the wedding of the century. Mykelti has all hands on deck (and then some), and Kody is quick to point out that Tony didn’t have to do the 7 am wake-up call. Christine is rocking a Don’t Mess With The MOB (mother-of-the-bride) t-shirt, and it. is. everything. As the seldom seen Brown teens hang decorations, Taunya and the rest of the crew at Bloomington Country Club is second guessing its free publicity.

Kim, Kroy & Sheree

Cynthia Bailey is wandering around red carpets crying with no shoes like she’s at the Jr. Prom, and Porsha Williams is being a peace-maker and starting a vegan cult. What is going on on Real Housewives Of Atlanta?!

Usually the pre-trip Real Housewives episode is a snooze, but last night was the opposite. Maybe it’s because so many episodes of RHOA have been interrupted for important real life events like Holidays and Super Bowls (the butt-implanted Uber driver of Kim Zolciak‘s heart must have watched it pining wistfully; gently touching the TV with his mitts while Kim screamed KROOOOOOOOY in a voice so shrill it could be heard in the next dimension, and then threw a wig over his dreams flatscreen. Kim needs her solo cup refilled – and she needs it NOW!).

Love After Lockup Recap: Surprises And Sentences

Only five episodes in to the first season of Love After Lockup, and it’s already been renewed for season two! Yep. Producers are hard at work scouring the nation for more deluded singles looking for love behind bars. A tip of the hat to you, WeTV! I can’t wait to say “I knew ye back when…” Also, thank you for making me feel better about my life choices every day. Because after watching this mess, it’s impossible to think you’re not #WINNING at life.

This week, probation is the name of the game. Who’s on it, who’s off it, and who ain’t never getting it (hi, Lizzie!). While some couples celebrate the next chapter of their tragic doomsday story, others are saved from themselves by way of the Federal Corrections Agency. There is so much mud to trudge through this week, let’s get right to it!

Lisa Vanderpump

Last night’s Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills led to yet another issue between Kyle Richards and Lisa Vanderpump about defining the boundaries of their friendship. I see both sides of this argument. I’d also like to remind them that in the middle of their bickering is a little follicle-ly unstable blonde woman named Dorit Kemsley, who cannot and will not stop talking shit about everyone she calls a friend.

Actually last night everyone (*except Dorit*) was more human. I credit Teddi Mellencamp Arroyave‘s influence. She’s chill, relaxed, absent of pretense, and despite being publicly scolded and denigrated over inappropriate stemware application, she STILL invited everyone to her ‘beach cottage’ for a potluck. Something about casseroles and dips puts everyone in a ‘let’s get real’ mood. Huddled around Teddi’s kitchen island, surrounded by pita chips served from Pottery Barn dishes, the women all showed their vulnerable and softer roots as opposed to their usual Febreezed exterior. 

Lisa Vanderpump is furious at Jax Taylor

Sometimes it’s not all diamonds and rose in Lisa Vanderpump‘s world. Sometimes the fancy parties held in her honor end in tears and the fancy restaurants she owns go up in smoke. Such was the case on last night’s Vanderpump Rules.

Well at least Jax Taylor, errrrr… I mean “Jason” is trying to change his life! HAHAHAHAHA

Lisa is now the Editor In Chief of Beverly Hills Lifestyle Magazine, which I’d always assumed was one of those free magazines, but because this is Beverly Hills that free magazine still is behooving of the fancy of Beverly Hills. Apparently it’s a thing people pay money for, which means Lisa wants a fancy party to celebrate her new position there. Makes sense. What does not make sense is that Lisa puts Stassi Schroeder in charge of said party. Predictably it’s a disaster.

Love After Lockup Recap: Baby Mama Drama

It took a full 24 hours for me to process the cornucopia of dysfunction that this week’s Love After Lockup dished up. Truthfully, I’m still not fully recovered. Much like our beloved 90 Day Fiance, we find that our star-crossed lovers get infinitely messier with each passing week. The joy of prison release day only lasts for so long…like, a literal day. Then it’s everybody into the crazy pool, sink or swim!

While Johnna and Garrett continue their bickering over him wanting his “freedom,” Andrea shows Lamar just how scared he should actually be of her when she goes full scale psycho at his homecoming party. James tries to get Alla employed, but she’s too “sick” to show up (ironic quotes intentional), and Mary is in for a rude awakening when picking up Dominic. It turns out he’s happier to see her parents’ old faces than her new one! Lastly, we’re treated to a new couple: 46-year old chain-smokin’, therapy-givin’ Angela and her 32-year old prison fiance, Tony, who she met while trolling the inmate websites. As one does. Only one hitch: She sent Tony a pic that was photoshopped within one millimeter of becoming a Farrah Abraham selfie. Thus, Tony’s in for a big surprise on release day. Pop your popcorn. Let’s get to it!

Dorit Kemsley

Ugh – it’s official, Dorit Kemsley is the one with multiple personalities, not Erika. It’s like Dorit’s evil doppelgänger does all these bad behaviors on Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills, then Dorit swoops in with a new hair style and a new accent to pretend she has “absolutely no idea” what anyone is talking about because she, a woman of impeccable etiquette, would never EVER call someone a C-word during dinner, or throw a fit over the wrong wine glass at a party, or be one hour late to a drinks meeting then lie about it.

No, she will throw Casino Royale parties where arrives via helicopter in designer gowns, waving to her people and smiling graciously. Dorit’s idealized self is not communicating with her actual self and we’re having problems here. Big time!