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The Real Housewives of Potomac Recap: Barefoot In The Park

Can I just say out loud how much I’m enjoying the Real Housewives of Potomac this season? Not only have the women stepped up their crazy, but their men have also come to play. I never expect the guys to partake in the fracas, but Juan Dixon and Michael Darby (and let’s not forget the very absent Sherman 2F) were more than up for the challenge this week.

We check in on everyone starting their day. From making breakfast to shopping to yoga, these women are living the good life. Gizelle Bryant is starting her day by visiting her local vampire dermatologist to get her own blood transferred into her face. The transfusion increases collagen, and if I can look as good as Gizelle afterward, count me in! Robyn Dixon is there for moral support. Gizelle says she is having a little birthday get together with all the ladies.  Well, not the Chihuahua formerly known as Candiace Dillard who came at her yapping and nipping at her heels when they were in Nemacolin. Gizelle is going to kennel that bitch for a while until Candiace stops peeing on the carpet and generally misbehaving. The other no-show is likely Sherman 2F (yes he’s once again 2F and we find out later from Monique just how many F’s ol’ Sherm actually gives).

90 Day Fiance Happily Ever After Recap: There Is Something They Don’t Know

Although the emotional scarring of Annie’s sex speech last week still haunts our nightmares, we shall bravely march forward into the darkness of 90 Day Fiance: Happily Ever After! This week, The Family Chantel plays full court press against Pedro. David and Annie scratch together five whole bucks for food – and on a heavier note, are shocked by the gun accident David’s son, Jacob, experiences.

The travel alert that Nicole will head back to Morocco to human-traffic Azan back to the States has gone from orange to RED. Azan, by the way, is now only attracted to Nicole 25% – as evidenced by the documents he likely faked to prove his K1 visa was “rejected.”  Jorge decides to risk life and limb by moving back into Anfisa’s lair. Molly makes yet another disastrous decision by leaving Kensley in Luis’s care for the weekend, and Paola confesses something to her family that she’s been keeping a secret. But the biggest news of all might be that Annie’s family still expects David will pay them their back-dowry sum of $15k. To that, all I have to say is…BWAHAHAHAHA! 

Southern Charm Recap:

I don’t think it would be humanly possible for me to get sick of Southern Charm even if it aired all year long. This season, in particular, has been everything, and it’s not because of someone claiming to play the role of villain after getting reamed for their bad behavior. It’s been so fun to watch Kathryn Dennis get her life together while Thomas Ravenel implodes (or explodes as happened last night). This week’s episode had everything: Craig Conover hit rock bottom, Naomie Olindo acted crabby, and Shep Rose, who loves EVERYONE, was unable to stomach T-Rav’s latest plus one. Mix in some mild canoodling (and tears) from Chelsea Meissner and Austen Kroll, and it was a winner! Just kidding, it was full-on hard to watch mess thanks to what’s her name. My friend, who has been hesitantly straddling the Team Kathryn fence (she can’t forget), expressed it best when she texted me that her husband had a headache due to the amount of screaming she’d been doing at her TV in favor of our underdog.

Last week’s cliffhanger had everyone screaming “What Dau…fu(skie)?!?” at their television screens when Ashley Jacobs came for Kathryn on the charmers’ weekend getaway to Hilton Head Island. Just a quick refresher: Ashley really wants to be invited to Saint’s birthday party, so she went about procuring an invitation in the best way possible…feigning sympathy for the passing of Kathryn’s grandmother followed by insulting Kathryn’s mothering skills. It’s Emily Post 101, y’all!

Real Housewives Of New York Recap: Holidazed And Confused

There are some scenes from Real Housewives of New York that have become so iconic over the years, we practically have them memorized – Bethenny Frankel screaming “GO TO SLEEP!” on Scary Island, the infamous Brooklyn Bridge Beatdown, Dorinda Medley’s Clip! Clip! tirade in the Bronx, and Luann de Lesseps falling in those Mexican bushes. But this week gave us our newest save-to-permanent-file moment: Ramona Singer on a Manhattan street reading Bethenny for filth. Now, I don’t know if Martin Scorsese is really watching Vanderpump Rules like Lala says, but he might have shot this scene. Seriously: It. Is. EVERYTHING.

Before we take to the streets, we must revisit the murder mystery Berkshires dinner at which Bethenny and Carole Radziwill are tearing into one another. There’s so much talking and half-running away and coming back again, it’s impossible to capture every moment. But here’s the gist: Bethenny called Adam “an operator” and Luann “a loser.” Carole claims she never knew about the Houston incident, specifically, but did know that Bethenny always thought Adam was a little shifty. It turns out, so does Luann! She’s still holding on to the fact that Adam left her niece for Carole three years ago – in the Countess’s pure white kitchen of all places!! <clutches pearls>

below-deck-mediterranean Captain Sandy's toast

Oh, Below Deck Mediterranean – y’all knew that you better bring your A++ Game when a friend of Captain Sandy Yawn‘s is the primary charter, but unfortunately Adam Glick was the only one studying up on How Not To End Up In The Bad Captain’s Log. Adam has been there, done that and you’d think Hannah Ferrier, a veteran of the naughty list herself, would know better!

Joao Franco is the douche of the high seas. A serious creep who makes my stomach churn like Kasey Cohen‘s aboard a super yacht! After ending their first crew night out by calling Hannah an over-the-hill goat, he bah, bah, blacksheeps about how he doesn’t have to listen to her because he’s his own man, not some chief stew’s bitch! Hannah sniffs that Joao’s nothing but a “chamois technician” – something which requires no skill, but somehow this show manages to find ALL the people who cannot handle the task!

Teen Mom: Young And Pregnant Recap: Out With The Old, In With The New

The long holiday weekend is over. Shall we celebrate by dissecting some entitled young people screaming at each other? I say yes! Let’s dig into this week’s Teen Mom: Young and Pregnant recap, followed by Teen Mom 2 highlights from last night’s episode.

Round 1

Kayla Sessler: Kayla is excited to start college. She has a new love interest ‘she be textin’. Why do I think perhaps she’ll be taking remedial English as one of her first classes?

Brianna Jaramillo:  Brianna has all kinds of time to hang out with friends now that Danae is out of the picture. Who has the baby? All kinds of time with a little baby at home, don’t you have to take care of him? Also, does Victoria Secret have a sponsorship with these girls? And did she cut the shoulder out of that sweatshirt or do you now pay $60 for one that is cut up? Sorry about that, my grandmother’s voice somehow traveled 400 miles to take over my mind for a second there.

Vanderpump Rules Trampoline Park

As always, I think the Secrets Revealed episodes are better than most of what we’ve seen throughout season. And Vanderpump Rules was no exception!

Jax Taylor is totally having a pre-midlife crisis. He’s too old for a quarter-life crisis (let’s be honest, no one expects him to live to be 120 years old) and technically he’s too young for a mid-life crisis, so he’s in a 2/3 life crisis, which means having 400 birthday parties dedicated to doing things kids should do. Like the trampoline park where Tom 1 suggests they play dodgeball on teams of Jax plus all the women he’s slept with, vs. Tom and all the people Jax hasn’t slept with! Bouncing boobs of many incarnations (Jax being the biggest boob of all).

Actually, it was the season of Jax, and, it was totally too much Jax (his shenanigans have overstayed their welcome), but here we go again! At least for the last time. 

The Real Housewives of Potomac Recap: Half Time

After all the craziness for the last four weeks, tonight’s episode of The Real Housewives of Potomac was relatively drama free. According to the men in my life, there is a basketball game playing on another channel, so I’m going to use a sports reference and say this was the halftime show; kind of entertaining, but certainly not the main event.

We resume where we left off last week: On the street outside Karen Huger’s Scentertainment Party. Robyn Dixon takes Monique Samuels up on her offer to come at her. Monique is multi-tasking by yelling at the Green Eyed Bandits in a pace that is comparable to the speed of light and at the same time counting her considerable fortune. Monique is not going to fight Robyn because one tap on the cheek and broke Robyn will be dragging Monique’s skinny butt into court. Robyn taunts her, but Charrisse Jackson and Karen manage to lead Monique away from the chaos. Everyone but Monique knows Robyn could drop her with a single punch. Charrisse tries to defend Monique to the rest of the group which makes Robyn and Gizelle Bryant go after Charrisse until thankfully security tells them they need to clear the street. Does anyone understand how Robyn is in the middle of this? It was originally between Ashley Darby and Monique. It’s like Robyn is working freelance as Ashley’s hired gun and Monique didn’t get the memo that she could outsource this fight. Once everyone else leaves, Monique breaks down to Charrisse. I love giving Charrisse a hard time, but she was on her best behavior this episode and gave Monique a much-needed shoulder to cry on.