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claudia jordan and porsha williams fight on rhoa

I feel like I missed something on last night’s episode of Real Housewives Of Atlanta? Why was Claudia Jordan so pressed over Porsha Williams? Color me confused…

And furthermore, if you are so upset that people are “unjustly” calling you a whore, and you don’t want women resorting to those insults, why is that the only insult you’re ever resorting to? These are real questions for Claudia, who calls herself a journalist. I’m investigating and I want answers. 

It seems to me that it should be Porsha who is upset with Claudia, I mean I’d be pretty pissed if someone, for basically no reason, called me a prostitute on national television and then didn’t even have the proof to back it up. That’s some slanderous libelous hearsay and I am misusing legal jargon cause I got my law degree from the same $19.99 internet correspondence course that Phaedra Parks did. The one where long-term thinking and recidivism rates are like huuuuhhhh? The same legal school where they don’t teach you that marrying an ex-con exponentially increases the likelihood that you’ll be married to a prisoner at some point. What happens on air mattresses in the ghetto at 2 am renders one dumb and useless, I suppose! 

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sister wives robyn

Much like all of us have been doing for several seasons, anthropologist students have decided to research why four women have decided to spend their spare time braiding Kody Brown’s hair. On last night’s Sister Wives, social scientists moved into the cul-de-sac compound to study the true dynamic among Meri, Janelle, Christine, Robyn and their brood of children. I want to know the time line of when these episodes were filmed. Was it before or after the great wife swap of 2014? Perhaps that will be addressed in the SECOND HOUR…or not (really, TLC?) of last night’s Sister Wives, which is aptly titled “All About Robyn.” 

Christine is thrilled to have her mom Annie moved into her home, although the kids are taking some time to adjust to another adult in the house. That evening, Kody makes the announcement that four anthropology graduate students will be coming to visit and study the family. Kody believes these grad students have hit the jackpot with his family. The students’ professor coaches the students on what to watch for…who is the sex wife? Who is the love wife? Will there be another wife? Potentially the young student who is now fearful she needs to fake a relationship to thwart Kody’s advances? The wives and Kody go to meet with the students to set some ground rules. The students don’t want to be treated like guests. 

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Chris MAnzo, with mommy Caroline, appear on Millionaire Matchmaker

Last night Chris Manzo went for round two on the Millionaire Matchmaker. While some things have changed, like he’s no longer on Real Housewives Of New Jersey… OK, that’s the only thing that has changed (including that Patti Stanger still wears rompers and short-suits every freaking day!) because Chris is still a mama’s boy who needs mama’s approval before buying a pants that don’t belong on a 50-year-old. 

True to form Caroline Manzo accompanies Chris to check in with Patti and go over what he’s looking for in a woman. He found her – her name is Caroline. Patti eventually sends Caroline out of the room because there is a difference between smothering and mothering, but the sad part is Chris is looking for someone, not only that his entire family also wants to date, but whom reminds him of Caroline, because he idolizes his parents’ marriage. Mmmmkay, moving on.

Patti describes Chris as desperately clinging onto the mama’s boyness and is afraid to move-on (or out!). She worries that he comes across as boring and needs to be micromanaged. Caroline worries that with Lauren getting married (and hating every girl Chris and Albie look at) and Albie finally in a relationship, Chris will end up living at home forever. Not that it’s a problem … I mean who makes better meatballs than mama?!

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mob wives ang

Hey, remember that time Natalie Guercio and Karen Gravano got into a knock-down-drag-out fight where both ladies ended up with scratched faces and handfuls of hair? Yeah, me too. Do you also remember that time that the always breezy and light-hearted Big Ang became a force to reckoned with among the Mob Wives? No? You must have missed last night’s episode then! 

As Natalie and Karen are separated, Drita D’avanzo and Ang wonder why their friends are so insane. Renee Graziano is proud of Karen’s showing. Karen attempts to approach Natalie again, but she’s deterred. Natalie casually puffs on her cigarette before being escorted away. Drita is livid. If there is another altercation, she plans on being in the thick of it. Ang knows that once you talk about family–and draw blood–there is no return. At their New York apartment, London comes home from the gym and questions what happened to Natalie’s face. She rehashes the argument, promising she tried to watch her mouth. However, when Karen lashed out at her, Natalie won. London is fine with his girlfriend fighting as long as she’s defending herself. Natalie believes that she may still have a bond with her once biffle Renee who didn’t assist Karen in the beat down. Natalie, like Karen, can’t wait for round two. There are some things worth going to jail for, as Karen so eloquently puts it.

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rhobh-recap-brandi-kim

On last night’s Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills everyone corralled their best “gays” and trotted them around the ring in Kyle Richards Boners Cup Classic! Unfortunately objectifying “gays” took a backseat to objectifying sanity when Brandi Glanville stormed the premises and a custody battle over Kim Richards erupted. Poor gays – always the bottoms, never the tops!

Before I continue with this recap I have two points to make:

1) Can we stop with the “My gays”? No one has “gays!” Just like no one has “heteros!” I loathe the so-called possession and ownership of “gays.” Gay people are just people, who are not ubiquitously defined by their sexuality no matter what Real Housewives want us to think. Plus, whatever “gays” Kyle has cobbled together, they clearly do not love her that much to let her dress that bad! Maybe it’s passive-aggressive payback for her leading them around LA referring to them as My Gay 1, My Gay Blonde, My Gay Ladysitter… 

2) Why the hell would anyone fight for possession of “My Kim”? They do realize Kims come with Kingsley. And also, at the end of the day (HA!), it’s still Kim – who is praying to a trashcan and speaking gobbledy-goop, insisting it’s a language you just haven’t learned yet! It’s just Kim taking cancer medication as a fun-zany experiment while she accidentally smokes a dildo because she confused it with the e-cigarette she bought from that kiosk in the mall, on Tuesday, errrrr… I mean Wednesday, errrr… I mean during the 9, uhhhh 7, uuummmm 5 days she was in Promises Malibu the hospital working on her tan!  

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dance moms girls

Hollywood, baby! Last night on Dance Moms, the ALDC finally arrived in Los Angeles so that Abby Lee Miller can start on the next chapter in her star-making career. Of course, things rarely go as planned in reality television, and Abby is livid to get to her new rented dance studio to find another class rehearsing in her space. Jill and Holly find it funny that Abby is so intimidated to learn that other dancers are also present in the city where everyone comes to be entertainers. Abby is quickly on the phone with her attorney speaking about privileged information. Jessalyn and JoJo are also present, feeling that they were kind of invited. As Abby fumes in the parking lot, the mothers enter and introduce themselves to the interlopers. Even Melissa finds her behavior odd. Jill doesn’t get the temper tantrum…why can’t the girls just dance?

We’re treated to some of the other competitive west coast teams, including one led by a choreographer once hired by the dreaded Candy Apples’ Cathy. As the girls warm up, Abby calls the mothers to say she feels uncomfortable practicing in the studio with the other teams. Melissa is beside herself. Abby tries to temper her news that she won’t be attending rehearsals by sharing that she’s scored all of the girls an audition the following day. While that’s all well and good, the moms want to know who is going to prepare their girls for the competition! 

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vivica a fox and kenya explode in the boardroom over phonegate

Last night Celebrity Apprentice lost two Housewives, a former MLB player with a secret jingle-writing hobby, an I-anfant the Terrible, and Vivica A Fox‘s phone. Donald Trump needs to get organized over there! 

In the first challenge the teams create a photobomb campaign of King’s Hawaiian bread in NYC. Geraldo Rivera is momentarily silent, still trapped in the hyper-alert mindset of Vivica and Kenya Moore‘s war. He compares working with those two to being in Afghanistan. I’ve never been to Afghanistan but after the many-years reign of terror Krayonce has inflicted upon me, I can attest to needing therapy. Naturally Kenya announces herself project manager. 

On the other team Johnny Damon rises to the occasion. Which, thanks to Brandi Glanville‘s dirty mind, also becomes their slogan. Hey – someone had to stop Ian Ziering from composing a 45-minute sermon of 1984’s best marketing catchphrases. He has watched a few episodes of Mad Men, which makes him an expert.

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kristen doute is fired from sur

It’s the dawning of a new era on Vanderpump Rules. SUR has officially been freed of one psychotic SURver Kristen Doute! In other news Tom Schwartz got caught cheating again. Oops!

Jax Taylor, the world’s biggest traitor, is hanging out poolside, grabbing cocktails with Kristen, who is reveling in her splendiforous outing of Tom Sandoval‘s cheating after she trotted Miami Girl, her used lip-plants, and Lee Press-On nails (Google the 80s for that ish!) up to the bar to confront Tom about the size of his peni (too small to warrant an “s”) and what exactly he was doing with it – not Kristen much to her dismay. 

Since Kristen is happy and Tom 1 is sabotaged, she is kissing James. Meanwhile Jax looks like someone put something in his vodka – was he roofied?! He’d probably like that. He’s there with Carmen. who despite being dumped over pizza is sticking around for more camera time! She accuses Jax of texting 5 other girls, which was a rhetorical question, right? To prove his innocence Kristen grabs his phone and, oh look! there’s a text from some girl in Vegas that Tom 2 cheated with.

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