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Bachelor

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Chris Harrison congratulates the 13 remaining bachelorettes – Tierra, Desiree, Amanda, AshLee, Jackie, Lesley, Catherine, Daniella, Selma, Lindsay, RobynSarah, and Leslie - for surviving an entire three weeks on the Bachelor. Good for them… but, seriously, where's the shirtless wonder

Ah, there he is! Bachelor Sean Lowe goes into this week's dates with "trust" in mind, which totally comes in handy during his first one-on-one date. The date card goes to Selma and reads "let's turn up the heat." Sean's plan is to take the "glamorous girl" out of her element to see how she reacts. Good times. 

Less than impressed by their final destination, Selma says, "I got the limo. I got the jet. And then he took the Iraqi to a desert. I do not do well in the heat. At all. I'm so disappointed." The desert location is Joshua Tree National Park and the activity is rock climbing. The glamor girl complains about this not-so-fabulous date. Despite her fear of heights and heat-induced puffiness, Selma climbs the rock like a champ! She's proud of herself and Sean's impressed. 

Now what? How do they get down? 

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Oh, Sean Lowe works out? I almost forgot. While glistening with sweat and annoying homely husbands across America, the Bachelor shares, "One week into it, I find myself really digging a lot of women." Only Sean knows which ones but the possibilities include Sarah, Kacie, Desiree, AshLee, Lindsay, Robyn, Jackie, Lesley, Selma, Catherine, Kristy, Leslie, Tierra, Taryn, Daniella, and Amanda. One of these women could (but probably won't) be Sean's future wife. 

Chris Harrison arrives on the scene of the crazy to deliver the first date card. It's addressed to Lesley and reads, "How long will this love last?" Lesley is excited and goes on and on about dreams coming true and taking her relationship with Sean to the next level. 

Sean brings Lesley to the Guinness World Records Museum. Lesley isn't too impressed, saying, "I'm thinking, um, this could be fun, but if I could have picked any place… I really didn't think we'd be coming to the Guinness World Records." Poor Lesley… a waste of a good (albeit way too short) dress is always tragic. 

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First up, here's some news that I am sure will send you into a tailspin of surprise. Bachelor Pad's most unlikely lovebirds Lindzi Cox and Kalon McMahon have split! Le sads. 

Lindzi shares with WetPaint that the couple was definitely in love but distance and trust issues drove them apart. Oh – and she pretty much blames Kalon for everything. No surprise there! Once a douche, always a douche!

"After the show we both put effort in making it work, but as most people know having a long distance relationship can be tough," Lindzi reveals. "I was willing to go the extra mile but unfortunately Kalon wasn't in a position to meet me halfway." 

CLICK CONTINUE READING FOR THE REST – INCLUDING THE DIRT ON SEAN'S LADIES! 

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The Bachelor folk are not about to let us forget that Sean Lowe's riveting personality half-naked body looks ah-mazing. While working out and taking a shower, Sean talks about his second chance at love… on this amazing journey… to meet his future wife. The Bachelor needs a new script. 

Sean and his bachelorettes go on dates this week! Chris Harrison explains the dating process to the 19 remaining ladies – First Rose Tierra, Wishing Well Desiree, OCD AshLee, Sexy Selma, Back Flips Robyn, Tries Too Hard Brooke, Lipstick Jackie, Kurly Katie, Sweet Sarah, Single Mom Diana, Mean Mugging Catherine, Poker Dealer Leslie, Awkward Pause Amanda, Desperate in D.C. Lesley, Ben Reject Kacie, Model Kristy, Handshake Daniella, Tears Taryn, and Drunk Bride Lindsay - and adds that Sean is the most sincere Bachelor ever.  

Chris places the first date card on the coffee table, raises his hands in the air, and slowly backs out of the room… BRING ON THE CRAZY! 

Kristy grabs the card, hoping to see her name on it, but it goes to Sarah. The date card reads, "Are you ready to fall in love today?" Everyone goes awwww and then wishes they, too, had only one arm. Oh, come on… you know the thought seeped into their catty heads. In all seriousness, I loved Sarah last week, so I'm excited about Sean's choice.

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Sometimes my reality gets skewed.  It's been skewed as of late.  I'm bewildered.  The light of musicals, Southern belle charm, and quick wit wrapped in a tiny little package has disappointed me.  Yet, I still can't blame her.  I feel as if she's been brainwashed.  I can't think of another logical explanation.

I'll just come right out and say it.  I've heard the rumors, and I've read the gossip, but I so didn't want to believe it was true.  But we now have confirmation.  Sigh.  It seems that everyone's favorite multi-talented spitfire little cupcake Kristin Chenoweth is, in fact, dating former Bachelor alum and d-bag pilot Jake Pavelka.  When did the world go so awry?  I'd hoped that she was his beard, but it doesn't seem like that is the case.  I don't know what to believe anymore.  Gracious.

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This was a good week for our favorite reality shows!  It seems that everyone is getting back into the swing of 2013, and with a routine comes our favorite old habits…watching some of the most fantastically trashy television series known to man. 

Lots of networks premiered new seasons of their hit shows, while Bravo maintains steady viewership for its shows that bridged the holiday season.  Whether you were tuning in to Here Comes Honey Boo, NeNe Leakes (WIG!), or Sean this season is going to bLowe try to find love, you were certainly watching!

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Bachelor fans, are you ready for the most amazing journey featuring one (hopefully shirtless) Sean Lowe and 26 (hopefully tipsy) Bachelorettes? As always, each lady is desperate to find love and most definitely there for the right reasons.

Chris Harrison is on hand, as well, to keep every single most dramatic rose ceremony running smoothly. Not on hand? Emily Maynard. She broke Sean's heart on the Bachelorette and, for the sake of my sanity, needs to stay far away from this season.

Sean has fully recovered from his heartbreak and is ready to try again on the Bachelor. Clearly, he's a fool. He says the idea of possibly meeting his future wife during this journey (drink up, my friends) is kind of exciting and kind of intimidating.

Sean adds, "I want the end result. I want to protect my woman. I want to love my woman. I want to honor her. I want to love her with everything I have, and I want to be the best possible man I can be for her. I want to be rich in love." 

Because ABC doesn't completely hate me, Arie Luyendyk, Jr. stops by Sean's pad to help him prepare for what is to come. Mr. Holy Hotness schools Sean on how to properly kiss a woman: Eye contact. Use your hands. Touch her hair. Touch her face. Tease her with your tongue. No lizard tongue. Use your  whole body. #coldshower

Curse you, Arie, for not signing up for this train wreck of a show solely for my entertainment.

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Leave it to Ashley "Build-A-Bear" Hebert to buck the system when it comes to wedding etiquette.  Seriously, someone get this girl an Emily Post book stat!  No, I'm being too hard on Ashley and her fiancé J.P. Rosenbaum.  I should be applauding the Bachelorette pair for actually making it down the aisle given the curse that seems to plague all relationships born of the Bachelor franchise.  Did you know that out of twenty-four seasons there have been twenty-one engagements that failed?  I mean, yes, two of those engagements belonged to both Brad Womack and former flame Emily Maynard, but those odds aren't good!  My math is bad…I realize that Emily's engagement to Brad doesn't factor in, but I feel like it is worth mentioning.  Lots of failed relationships!

Of course, when Chris Harrison talks about the most dramatic rose ceremonies ever I never thought that he would try to orchestrate the most dramatic televised wedding ever.  I don't know whether to be disgusted or proud for what will surely be Bachelor Pad style television.  Slow clap, Mr. Harrison, slow clap.

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