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Vanderpump Rules

kristen doute cannot let go of tom sandoval

Last night’s episode of Vanderpump Rules reminded me of two classic movies that perfectly apply: Fatal Attraction and Dazed and Confused. 

Let’s start by examining the ulterior motives of Stassi “Free Ride” Schroeder. Stassi, quit SUR, moved away, started dressing the Jr. League vice president, and thinks that makes her a grownup. Sadly, she’s still loitering outside the gates of SUR, leaning against the bar with a pinot grigio, sighing, “This is what I love about these SUR bitches, I get more mature, but they just stay the same.” You know who I’m referencing!

Stassi needs a job - because she is bored of free riding her friends TV show, spending daddy’s money, and wearing that real live adult facade. Maturity is hard – especially when you really, really, really yearn to be back at SUR, causing drama, and bitchwhipping these pathetic losers into shape like Red Heather (since we’re going with old movie references! There’s pate, and croquet! And Kristen Doute is totally going to bomb the bleachers Ariana’s bar).

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OK! Magazine's pre-Grammy event

Jax Taylor started rumors about his friend Tom Schwartz cheating on his girlfriend, but now he’s annoyed that no one understands he was trying to help. He just wants Tom 2 to be happy, and to be free, and single and he knows that poor Tom 2 gets anxiety and doesn’t have the manly parts to breakup with Katie Maloney on his own! 

But Jax has another reason for spilling rumors – he’s totally tired of being the only person on Vanderpump Rules called out for cheating. You guys, he’s not the only villain on this show and it’s high time we all know the truth. When the word “truth” is used in the same sentence as Jax’s name, does some thing explode out there in the universe that none of us can see? 

“It’s so great that finally other people are cheating. It’s not just me anymore! I’m always this villain — but everything that I’ve done, they’ve all done,” Jax gloats.

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Love & Hip Hop Hollywood reunion

The reality TV viewer numbers are in. Love & Hip Hop Hollywood ended its first season with an average of 2.43 million viewers. 2.638 million watched part one of the reunion and 2.072 million checked out part two of the reunion.

Last week, the season premiere of Mob Wives attracted 1.161 million viewers, but only 835,000 came back for more drama this week. Real Housewives of Atlanta gained back a small amount of viewers this week. 3.062 million tuned in to see Kenya and Phaedra come face to face.

Also, 1.804 million watched Scott and Khloe’s podcast on Kourtney & Khloe Take The Hamptons, 1.138 million viewers sat through Katie grilling her co-workers about Tom on Vanderpump Rules, and 1.849 million tuned in to see Kyle and Yolanda vacation in Spain on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

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Vanderpump Rules - Season 3

The cast of Vanderpump Rules causes major drama and brings big ratings for Bravo, but they are apparently NOT paid accordingly! 

According to insiders the cast made a measly $5,000 for the entire first season, but when it turned out to be an unexpected ratings hit for the network, Bravo upped their salaries – but not nearly on a level with say, Real Housewives. 

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kristen doute and scheana marie vanderpump rules season 3

Oh Vanderpump Rules where cheating is as popular as the fried goat cheese balls – although apparently not nearly as tasty. Kristen Doute and Scheana Marie have been implicated in Jax Taylor‘s web of lies as he accused his best friend Tom Schwartz of cheating on his girlfriend Katie Maloney

Now both Kristen and Scheana exonerate themselves from involvement. Kritter says say Jax is lying. But of course! And Scheana says Kritter is lying. But of course! 

In retrospect, Kristen says she should have “blocked” the information about Katie “motorboating” from Jax and Scheana, but you know – gossip, drama, scandal, camera time, attention: OMG Kristen neeeeeds it! “In hindsight, those two gossip queens probably teamed up to create the rumor together,” Kritter asserts, as she accuses Scheana of then “backpedaling” when she was caught in the middle of rumor-mongering. 

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katie maloney learns of tom schwartz's cheating

Lisa Vanderpump had a restaurant. O-E-Oh-E-Ho. And in that restaurant she had a bartender. Who would cheat cheat here. And would cheat cheat there. Here a cheater, there a cheater. Everywhere a cheater cheating. Lisa Vanderpump had a restaurant. O-E-Oh-E-Ho. And such is the tale of Vanderpump Rules.

Last night the rampant epidemic of cheating that spread through SUR claimed another victim: Tom Schwartz. While Katie Maloney was busy “motorboating a d–k,” Tom 2 was making out with some girls and possibly having sex with others. In the middle of it all was Jax Taylor, erstwhile on a struggle for people to recognize his true nature as a gentle giant, an angel hellbent on protecting those he loves, a man who cries at the injustices of his friends being in relationships with toxic girls. Why does no one understand him?!

In other news Lisa is hosting a Gay Mayors party at PUMP and needs Tom 1, Jax, and Tom 2 (temporarily re-hired, but remanded to bring paper bags in case of panic attacks) to “Tray Pass” – i.e. hold catering trays of food and wander around. Tom 1 and Jax are pissed – that’s such an insult! That’s the lowest echelon of bar tending – they have standards, y’all!

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OK! Magazine's annual ‘SO SEXY’ event held at Lure Patio - Arrivals

Is there another Vanderpump Rules wedding in our future? Tom Sandoval recently revealed that he wants to marry his girlfriend Ariana Madix! 

“I cannot imagine my life without Ariana,” Tom 1 gushed. “It’s just explosive happiness for me on a daily basis.” I imagine degrading hell on daily basis was how he defined his previous relationship to Kristen Doute

Tom 1 reveals that he and Ariana have discussed marriage and it’s a strong possibility for the couple who has been together about a year. Somewhere Kristen is impaling herself on a curling iron or a stiletto heel. You know she’ll crash that wedding! 

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Khloe Kardashian

Most of the reality TV viewer numbers bounced back from last week’s slump.

Both Kourtney & Khloe Take The Hamptons and Vanderpump Rules saw a season high. Scott checking out of rehab early on Kourtney & Khloe Take The Hamptons attracted 2.053 million viewers and Kristen and Tom’s return to SUR on Vanderpump Rules garnered 1.381 million viewers.

The season finale of Love & Hip Hop Hollywood attracted 2.554 million fans, giving L&HHH a season average of 2.44 million, and the season five premiere of Mob Wives garnered 1.161 million viewers.

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills bounced back with 1.99 million tuning in to see Eileen’s debut. Unfortunately, Real Housewives of Atlanta didn’t bounce back, and the show is down almost one million viewers since the season seven premiere. This week’s episode of RHOA garnered 2.858 million viewers.

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