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Vanderpump Rules

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It's time to see who watched what this week. 

On Sunday, Real Housewives of Atlanta logged 3.695 million viewers. That's down from last week's 4.187 million but enough to make RHOA the top cable telecast (ratings wise) of the night.  Not at the top?  Keeping Up with the Kardashians! Season nine premiered to 2.569 million on Sunday and 2.142 on Monday. Ouch! Sister Wives saw a significant drop (2.0 to 1.44) this week.

Love & Hip Hop won Monday night with 3.447 million fans tuning in, which is a new season high. Holding somewhat steady are Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (1.786) and Vanderpump Rules (1.538).  

On Tuesday, Teen Mom 2 returned for its fifth season, to the dismay of many Reality Tea readers. However the show garnered 2.756 million viewers and was the top cable telecast (ratings wise) of the night.   Also, Dance Moms was watched by 2.010 million, and Shahs of Sunset saw its second lowest number of the season with 1.054 million.

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Last night on Vanderpump Rules some girls got diamonds and some girls got called a c-u-next-tuesday near the loading dock in the back of a restaurant. Some girls have all the luck… and some girls, well, some girls bawl their eyes out next to the dumpster. 

Kristen Doute's season-long crusade over Tom 1's cheating continued, but there was a twist! A big ol' twist. The twist was: after throwing a man-trum and berating Jax Taylor for lying and ruining his life, Tom 1 confessed that he did actually kiss Ariana in Vegas. Not behind the port-a-potty but in the pool of a low-rent hotel. Same difference! 

Perhaps Tom 1 was undergoing electro-shock therapy and a in the course of rediscovering joy, he remember the blissful drunken kiss in a Vegas swimming pool under flashing lights that spelled out "Destiny". Or perhaps Kristen waterboarded him with gin mixed with Axe Bodyspray into confessing. Whatever the case, Tom 1 makes a liar of himself and Ariana too. But not Jax

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Breaking news!  Vanderpump Rules star Jax Taylor was spotted wearing a sweater!  Kristen Doute and Tom Sandoval are in a healthy, thriving relationship! Okay, so maybe one of those statements is true, but really, how shocking is it to see Jax sporting a chunky cardigan?

Stassi Schroeder's ex is doing his best to move on while his former (I'm guessing from the previews of next week's episode) friend and his lady are bucking everyone's advice and opinions by staying in a co-dependent, tension filled relationship built on lies and distrust. Good times at SUR, right?

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The reality TV viewer numbers are in – and Real Housewives of Atlanta wins again. 4.187 million viewers (compared to last week's record breaking 4.519) tuned in this week. For Love & Hip Hop, 3.112 million watched Joe propose to Tahiry, which is up from last week's 2.889.

The other reality shows are holding steady.  Sister Wives garnered 2 million viewers on Sunday. On Monday, 1.804 million viewers witnessed Brandi and Carlton's drunken pole dancing on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, and 1.446 million watched Kristen get ridiculously drunk on Vanderpump Rules.

On Tuesday, 1.20 million viewers went to the Del Mar races with the Shahs of Sunset crowd, and 2.004 million fans tuned in to see the Dance Moms stress over Abby's first open audition.

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The Vanderpump Rules crew is still in Cabo celebrating our day of national reckoning; a day where dysfunction is recognized as a peril in great need of attention.

This day is also known as Stassi Schroeder's birthday. While in her mind this day is as important as the day of Jesus' birth, for the rest of humanity it is a day that we remain buried under our covers and asking where it all went so wrong. I blame her mother – it's always the mother's fault, right?!

Anyway things in Cabo are going bad, bad, bad because right in the middle of Stassi's birthday dinner, before anyone remember to order Stassi an appetizer or a drink, Katie Maloney and Tom 2 erupt into an argument about who's more of a moron. Can we call a draw?

Katie flees the table in what can only be described as a pair of pantyhose recycled into a dress. It was a flesh-colored poncho, it was frightful. Maybe it was flesh eating and that explains her sheer stupidity as her brain was a casualty of it's voraciousness. Also it matched her hair. 

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The reality TV viewer numbers are in – and Real Housewives of Atlanta has blown us away!  A whopping  4.519 MILLION  viewers watched "A Trip Down Memory Lane" this week, which is a season high, a series high, and a franchise high. Bravo logged its most-watched night in network history. Everybody twirl!

Elsewhere on Sunday, 2.042 million sat through Kody and Brett's bromance on Sister Wives. Um, why? Is it the hair? The wives? Please enlighten me. ;)  

On Monday, Love & Hip Hop bounced back from last week's season low, with 2.889 million fans checking up on their favorite love triangles on VH1. Over on Bravo, both Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and Vanderpump Rules lost viewers, with 1.826 million tuning in for even more Joyce and Brandi drama and 1.497 million suffering through Stassi's birthday.

On Tuesday,  1.189 million devoted Shahs of Sunset fans watched Mike and Reza's confrontation, and 2.171 million took a Tylenol after sitting through Abby Lee Miller's incessant yelling on Dance Moms

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After being mercilessly teased about her Carrot Top do, Katie Maloney has returned to her roots and gone brunette again. 

I'm not sure what on earth made the Vanderpump Rules star decide to orange it up, but it was sincerely one of the most unflattering and ridiculous dye jobs I've ever seen! Katie is a pretty girl and why she thought that was a good idea is beyond me. My theory she was trying to emulate BFF Stassi Schroeder or try to earn some distinction between herself and other totally insane brunette Kristen Doute!

Whatever the case, Katie shared photos of her new hair on instagram and she looks much better! In other news she is still together with Tom 2 after he tried to put her out like a fire. We need an intervention – for him. 

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Vanderpump Rules - Season 2

Yesterday we celebrated a day of extreme national significance. A day that brings attention to the very important cause of narcissism and immaturity. It was Stassi Schroeder's birthday and if I had a dollar for every time I heard that on Vanderpump Rules last night… 

Stassi has invited everyone she hates and semi-likes to celebrate her birthday. She invited Scheana Marie in the six seconds they liked each other, but now she regrets it. She did not invite Jax Taylor, so he invited himself. Hey – I'd invite myself on a Vacation by Bravo, too! 

Every 15 seconds Stassi gets out her bullhorn and police baton to announce its her birthday and demand people have fun her way or else she'll beat them. This continues throughout the entire episode… 

Before leaving, Lisa Vanderpump takes Peter Madrigal out for tea. Peter admits he's going on the trip for the free booze and for the opportunity to laugh at these people. And there will be girls in bikinis too. Lisa seems hesitant to let him go – her only decent employee! 

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