Things begin with a sauced up and (spray on hair'd up) Joe Gorga charging the brother-in-law who destroyed his life, Joe Giudice. These people are the living embodiment of a soap opera, only not as devious and calculating. Except for Melissa… So anyway, Poison charges at Juicy and unfortunately Juicy immediately drops him and begins punching him.
Poor Melissa Gorga leaps on top of Juicy to try and pry him away from her precious little husbanito. "Teresa, help your brother!" she screams.
Teresa Giudice is gonna help alright – girlfriend is grabbing her purse, hightailing it out of there, and telling the producers to call the cops. Fire up that party bus cause mama is fleeing the coop! Just kidding, a panicked Teresa bellows to someone to call the cops. Doesn't Juicy have enough felonies?! Do not call the cops, but do get the mace! Or at least some Fabellini to subdue these people.
Back inside fight club, it takes all of the remaining Gorgadice (and Wallpaper) family members to pry Juicy off of Poison. Or Poison off Juicy – I really couldn't tell who was up and who was down at that point, except Melissa, who was shrieking and scratching.
K Popstarz is weighing in on the brash Ms. William's opinion on VH1's totally scripted hit…and it's not a nice one! Wendy allegedly said, "First of all Rasheeda, you and Kirk are ratchet for drumming up this story line, right here. Okay? Cuz you know what you're doing, cuz Stevie and my Puerto Rican princess, Joseline [Hernandez], were the popular couple. And you and your husband, or whatever you wanna call that animal, you all did this as a plot to get popular on that show. It's a shame what people will do to stay on this reality tv."
Comparing the show to Keeping up with the Kardashians, Wendy continued, "This is worse than the Kardashians. This is got to be the most ratchet [of] all reality shows on tv. It is disgusting but I cannot stop watching. Let me just say this. None of you all call, I don't want you to come on the show. It's just that I do watch, but you're not suitable guest(s) for the show, except for you my Puerto Rican princess Joseline."
It hasn't been a good week for those closest to Kim Kardashian, that's for sure. Not only has her mother Kris Jenner's talk show trial run been universally panned, her beau Kanye West is scuffling with paps at the airport. Good times!
First up, New York Post columnist Linda Stassi is claiming that Kris has been trying to bribe her for better reviews after writing that the pimp momager has as much business helming a talk show as her "talentless daughter had for hosting a talent show." Ouch.
According to Radar, Linda claims her "first bribe" arrived on Thursday in the form of a dozen gourmet cupcakes and a sterling silver Tiffany pen worth $325. Hey Kris! Although I haven't seen it, I'll happily write a sweet little review of your show for the right price!
Jacqueline sums up the issues and any hope between Teresa Giudice andJoe Gorga, "That's why there's so much intense feelings because there's so much hurt there, but so much love there, too."
On Joe Giudice's autism comments on last week's episode of RHONJ: "I know a lot of people got hard on Joe for the autism comment but I know Joe and i think he was acknowledging the brains and the intelligence in a lot of children on the spectrum but I think he just has a lack of knowledge of how much time and attention and focus it is and work in terms of raising a child with special need. I think he just doesn't really know but he just saw them as very intelligent which is very true but you know I think he just didn't realize what he was saying."
Melissa Gorga calls this incident the families' "rock bottom" – and let's all hope it's upwards from here! "Welcome to rock bottom. We hit it hard in this episode, and it was NOT a soft landing, believe me," she begins in her Bravo Blog.
Apparently the retreat was supposed to be relaxing and inviting, but since Teresa was there it was creepy and deranged. American Horror Story Asylum anyone? "Joe and I were skeptical about the retreat from the start. I know that everyone wanted us to walk in, put on a happy face and say that everything would be okay, but that’s just not reality." Melissa describes.
"There have been too many times when we put a band-aid on our issues with Teresa [Giudice], and we would always fall back to the same negative place. We decided if we were going to go to this retreat, we weren’t going to be fake. We didn’t want to throw a blanket on the problems that were hurting our family."
From what I've observed, if you're going to be a Bravo housewife, your future can take three possible paths—or any combination of the three, which takes serious talent (Kim Zolciak Biermann has pulled off the triple crown of housewives). These ladies either get their own spin-off, create their own pink, bubbly, wine cooler-ish alcoholic beverage, or lose their homes (granted Kim's was a rental) while attempting to live outside their means.
I think I'm caught up now! Well, except for Big Brother news, because being away from the live feeds for seven days is seriously overwhelming. What did I miss?!? (BB fans – be careful of spoilers in the comments!)