I want to try to have a bit on an introduction for last night’s Dance Moms episode, but I just feel so sick after watching it. Those last five minutes were some of the worst in the show’s history (in my opinion), and both Abby Lee Miller and Lifetime should be utterly ashamed of themselves. Let’s get started, shall we?
So apparently the process server doesn’t want his fifteen minutes of fame because he has his face blurred when he serves Abby with court papers in Paige’s law suit. Abby is tearful that her former students and parents are trying to humiliate her in her place of business. Abby just can’t have this negativity around these kids. She is so good at playing the victim. As she storms out into the parking lot, Holly and Jill show their support for Abby. Abby wants to make a public statement, but everyone (and by everyone, I mean Holly) agrees that given her defensive attitude will only dig her deeper into this mess. They finally get her to quit her dramatics and start class, and Jill and Holly make sure to point out that Kira and daughter Kalani are late once again. Off with their heads! Okay, that may be harsh…no soup solos for you! When the finally arrive, Kira blames the traffic, and Abby totally gives her a pass. Double standard much?
Am I ready for this? That’s my first thought as I settled in last night for the fifth season premiere of Dance Moms. Immediately, I am distracted by Abby Lee Miller’s new hairdo. She looks like my middle school gym teacher circa 1988. She greets her favorites Maddie and Mack Z…oh, and Kendall and Nia as the ALDC pile in and shower her with gifts. I’ll give Abby a little bit of credit because she has lost a lot of weight. Of course, I am anticipating that Lifetime will let me down sooner rather than later. With Chloe missing from practice, Maddie reveals that she and Kendall have both attempted to text and Facetime their friend to no avail. Jill has her fingers crossed that Christi and Chloe will walk in the door. Holly senses a hole in their team, but she hopes the girls can overcome her absence.
In the pyramid, Abby congratulates the ALDC on their fourth Nationals win. Abby screams that Chloe was invited back, but her evil mother is keeping her from being part of the group. Off with her head! Who needs Chloe when you have ALDC: LA? Abby has determined that her troupe will no longer be just dancers. Each week they will focus on singing and acting as well. She will produce triple threats. Is it possible that my ears are already bleeding from her shrillness? The pyramid is more of a square this go-round, but there is a mystery fifth spot on the top. Kendall is on the bottom for coming in ninth overall. Jill is cut off before she can begin to defend her daughter. Oh, wait, Chloe is still on the pyramid, one up from Kendall. Nia is in third, followed by McKenzie. Surprise, Maddie is on the top!
I guess Santa is bypassing all of us this year. We’ve clearly been naughty. There can’t possibly be another reason why we’re being subjected to yet another season of Dance Moms…but we are! And I’ll be watching. I’ll consider my punishment for being so bad. However, no matter how naughty we’ve been, we’ll never ever be as horribly rotten as Lifetime’s cash cow Abby Lee Miller. It’s all an act, right? RIGHT??
For four long and tortuous seasons we’ve watched Abby belittle her young dancers while their mother snarked and plotted and forced us to take sides between bad and worse (I’m still not sure which is which!). Now (most of) the old gang returns thanks to their pesky iron clad contracts. Noticeably absent? Christi and Chloe (I don’t any will miss the former, but I’m so sad for the latter) who bid farewell after Abby’s constant bullying caused Chloe’s love for dance to fade…not to mention Abby making fun of her ocular condition. Returning? A very defeated looking Nia and an equally downtrodden Holly, Mack-Z, golden child Maddie and their mom Melissa, as well as Kendall and Jill, who Abby chastises for being a horrible mother more than once in the thirty second teaser. Good times! The twist? Christi and Kelly plotting to take down the ALDC. The show is back on Lifetime Tuesday, January 6th at 9PM/ET. You know I won’t be able to not watch!
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To be honest, the most pressing question that I hoped would be answered on last night’s Dance Moms reunion was if Lifetime just couldn’t afford to film a new intro sans Kelly Hyland and daughters Brooke and Paige…not that I mind seeing them each week, but it’s a bit strange. Right off the bat, Jeff Collins needs some matte powder to go with his newly darkened hair. Is he sweating from the stage lights or the guilt he feels for constantly promoting Abby Lee Miller? Speaking of, Jeff has Abby solo on the couch, and he applauds the Nationals win and questions how Abby feels about Chloe’s fifth place finish being the best solo number in the ALDC. Abby cites fierce competition as the reason…well, that and the fact she didn’t put Maddie in to compete. Wait, I thought Maddie refused when asked (you go, girl!). Abby then talks about Kendall’s disappointing routine in light of how strong she was last year as Jill gestures violently backstage via picture in picture. Abby’s all “I told you so” as the paid audience laughs.
Last night was the season finale of Dance Moms, and I don’t know about you, but I’m wondering who I’m going to spend my Tuesday evenings with now that Abby Lee Miller is on hiatus. Who will brighten my day with her cheer and positive attitude? Still in Los Angeles and prepping for Nationals, Abby has the elite team facing off with the select crew, and she’s striking fear in the hearts of both teams with the threat of Cathy’s Candy Apples. Abby then springs on the crew that Maddie may be doing solo, and Melissa states that she thinks that the other girls should have a chance to win. What? She’s finally putting being liked by the other mothers over her daughter winning every routine she enters?
Across town, the Candy Apples are rehearsing their group routine to Chandelier as a dig to Maddie’s Sia video. At the ALDC studio, Abby is hoping that her “Amber Alert” group number will send chills up the spines of the audience, but MacKenzie’s dancing says otherwise. Abby has had it with her group routine, and she urges Maddie to practice her solo in the event she needs a slam dunk in the competition. Nia speaks up, asking why they aren’t focusing on the group number since it’s the most important. Until Nia and Mack-Z can get in sync, Abby thinks Maddie’s efforts would be best spent elsewhere. The other moms are livid with Melissa for not speaking up…I guess her need for inclusion was short lived, although the moms are kidding themselves if they think for a second they wouldn’t behave the same to further their daughters’ careers. As Holly, Christi, and Jill henpeck her, Melissa erupts into a bleeping ball of anger. I knew you had it in you, girl!
Welcome to Hollywood! The girls of the ALDC have arrived in California for Nationals. On last night’s Dance Moms, Abby Lee Miller wanted to remind everyone that she’s a star maker. The original mothers and daughters are in the studio, and they are in shock when the select team arrives on their heels. You know it’s bad when even Holly is huffing and puffing about things. Abby shuts down the bickering by starting the pyramid. Chloe is on bottom because her foot injury wouldn’t allow her to dance last week. Christi announces that Chloe’s doctor has cleared her to dance. MacKenzie follows for walking the fine line between decent and silly. Nia falls to the bottom rung for not living up to her winning performance the week before. Kendall is in third, followed by Kamryn for playing up to Abby. No surprise, Maddie is on the top for balancing her amazing performances with her plethora of outside opportunities.
Has this season of Dance Moms been going on long enough that we’re already at ALDC showcase? Abby Lee Miller is still torturing her dancers as to who will compete in Nationals. Who cares about Nationals…did y’all see Maddie do her Chandelier dance on last night’s Dancing with the Stars? She is crazy talented, but that dance has always given me the shivers. However, it’s safe to say that her duet partner is going to give me full on night terrors. How creepy was that? Sorry, I digress.
Abby is stressed and exciting about her upcoming dance concert. Kamryn has returned and Christi is upset as Chloe has already beaten her before. In the pyramid, Chloe is on the bottom because of her injury. MacKenzie follows for not being in sync in the group number. Kendall is in third for getting second to Nia. Maddie is second on the pyramid. Abby reminds her that if a bigger opportunity for her that conflicts with Nationals, she’ll have to take it instead of joining her team. Deservedly, Nia is in the top spot for her first time ever as the highest scoring soloist at the competition. A teary Abby announces that the group number will be a tribute to her mother. Additionally, each girl will be showcasing a forty-five second solo that will be her audition from Nationals. Abby will not rehearse nor watch the routines before the concert. The girls are on their own to choreograph what they believe is their best vignette.
Well, last night’s Dance Moms has less Abby Lee Miller cruelty and more happy dancers…at least among the veteran girls! The moms enter the studio sans daughters, and Abby warns that every minute she has to wait on her dancers is another minute she contemplates another team for Nationals. Holly wants to have a dialogue with Abby regarding the unresolved issues from last week’s fight without the children involved. Holly conveys her message calmly and clearly. Of course, Abby dismisses Holly’s concerns over name-calling and derogatory comments as just an excuse not to face Nia’s failure as a dancer. She’s just the sweetest. Refusing to stray from her tried and true teaching methods of bullying and nastiness, Abby concludes that Holly is lucky that she was invited back to the ALDS.
This week Tracey and her daughter Sarah are joining the crew. The pyramid goes quickly as Maddie was the only one who was allowed to perform at the competition after Abby pulled the group number. This week, the girls are going to Orlando, Florida to compete. Sarah has a solo, and Tracey wants her daughter moved permanently to the elite competition team. Kendall will also be getting a solo, and it will be the same routine that Maddie won with last week. Abby is a big enough person (cough, cough) to put aside her issues with Holly and allow Nia to dance the Maya Angelou solo she teased about last week. Abby seems totally unfazed when Christi announces that Chloe will be leaving rehearsal early to get an MRI done on her foot. In the viewing room, Tracey asks why Abby is so mad at the mothers, and Holly fills her in on the tally chart.