It makes me feel warm inside that despite all the cast changes, Real Housewives Of New Jersey hasn’t given up the sleaze factor. I’m not sure if they reached a new low last night or not, but whatever – it keeps us on our toes right?!
The big drama is that Victoria Gotti, mentoress in all things badly-behaving criminal husband to our beloved Teresa Giudice, showed up and oh boy did she have some secrets stashed under that Barbie weave. (Kim D collection, y’all! Actually Kim gets her weaves from the VG Collection – real hair, scalped by the finest Italian mobsters in all the land!)
It turns out that Victoria has known Rino, husband of one Teressssssssssssa Aprea for quite some time. It turns out Rino used to have a thing for Victoria. It turns out Rino has a thing for older ladies of a certain Mrs. Robinson persuasion. More on that later…
So Poison is in the garbage business. It’s not the type of garbage business you might think – like producing garbage songs for a wife who can’t sing or calling his sister garbage on national TV, but he actually bought some big garbage truck to recycle documents. Melissa wants to give the truck a makeover so it stands out and they get more attention for their business. Melissa suggests putting wings on the truck. And the slogan, “Going green gives you wings.” First of all, she stole that from RedBull. Second of all, I don’t know why she didn’t just glue some Melissa Gorga jewelry on it and blast “On Display” from the speakers while it cruises around town. Better yet, old J. Faux could dance on top of the truck! Third of all, what does the leasing agent from a car dealership have to do with Joe’s trash business?
Jacqueline Laurita is returning – briefly – at the end of this season when filming resumes to capture Teresa Giudice‘s sentencing drama. Jacqueline revealed that she’ll actually just be filming to support season extra Kathy Wakile‘s newest dessert launch, but rumor has it the real reason producers pulled Jacqueline in was in the hopes of a showdown with Dina!
Jacqueline has also remained friendly with Teresa after the two made amends last season, so presumably they were hoping both Dina and Jacqueline could film together in support of their friend as she deals with her sentencing news. Well – Dina was not havin’ any of that! What’s that zen you speak of? More like ignore what you don’t want to see! The usual.
Last night on Real Housewives of New Jersey we open with the drama at the First Responsers Ball, where the pillars of RHONJ society congregated in their Partay Citay deluxe luxury couture vinyl posche-y firehoochie ensembles (basically this is like the MET Gala of Franklin Lakes, NJ, here people).
Of course not everyone was in the party mood, despite the finest quality vinyl they were wearing. Amber Marchese had her hair yanked out and her husband had his authority questioned. Jim Marchese whispers in Poison’s ear (not in the way that gets the poison flowing), that he is a “dumb f***” then walked out the door. And Poison, our jr muscle man hopped out of his chair, swimming in his fireman couture, and followed Jim to demand an apology.
Jim does not fight – he’s an attorney and an upstanding citizen who will just have you arrested. Then sued. Oh yes – Jim is a grown man who does not brawl in someone’s basement wearing a low-rent version of Kappa Kappa Gamma’s Halloween party garb. Nor does Jim exchange blows on the snow covered sidewalk of a New Jersey McMansion.
Jacqueline and sister-in-law (and fellow resurrected Housewife) Dina Manzo don’t speak after the last time they were on RHONJ together, and Dina has vowed never to do a reality show with family again. Too late because Jacqs needs the money and attention!
Despite a public twitter feud (mostly perpetrated by Ashlee Holmes) at the beginning of the season which exposed how strained Jacqueline and Dina’s relationship is, Jacqueline’s intentions for returning to RHONJ reportedly have nothing to do with confronting Dina or getting into a public fight. And then of course there was the rumor that Dina got Jacqueline fired in the first place…
Last night things got really, really, really Jerry Springer on Real Housewives of New Jersey. Like more so than table flips and husbands brawling and terrorizing fashion shows thrown by stripmall ’boutiques’.
Nicole Napolitano is teaming up with boyfriend Bobby to throw a First Responder themed costume party under the guise of raising awareness for the cause. They aren’t soliciting donations because, let’s face it – everyone on this show is broke! I mean Joe Gorga even tells us his wife Melissa Gorga is living in a delusional fantasy world that they have money. Here she is crashing Bentleys like they can afford the car in the first place, let alone the repairs! Personally I think Melis crashed that Bentley when she was pulling a getaway with some clothes from last week’s shopping trip with twins. But Joe tells us this happens all the time – what exactly is she fleeing from? The truth? It must be the paparazzi – she’s on display, guys!
Melissa is frustrated because Amber Marchese‘s gossiping about Nicole put her in an awkward situation and naturally she had to tell Nicole. Melissa doesn’t understand when Amber got so uppity – they used to be best party buds but now Amber is acting high and mighty! Melissa blames Amber’s husband.
Melissa Gorga, behind-the-scenes s#*!-stirrer and perpetual wannabe victim, tackled the double-trouble twins with some gossip and found that Teresa Giudice isn’t the only person who flips-the-f-out!
Before all that, Joe and Melissa embark upon a new career – one they’re suited for! Joe bought a big ol’ garbage truck and announced they’re in the garbage business. At first I thought he meant they ARE the garbage business, which of course, but they are for real compacting garbage. This type of garbage is a truck specifically designed to incinerate important papers. And if Juicy or Chris Laurita‘s “paperwork” are any indication – I say that truck is going to be doing a lot of business! Also now they can finally “smoosh” all evidence of Melissa’s past – like the Lookers! paychecks!