Well it's the day before Christmas, commonly known as Christmas Eve, and all anyone on the island of Anguilla wants is for Kenya Moore to get some help – and go home! Going on vacation with crazy people is one of those unfortunate drawbacks of being on Real Housewives of Atlanta, I s'pose.
Things begin with Kenya storming away after her massive argument with Porsha Stewart. Alas, no one could agree on who is the real tramp so they both stood up and started bickering about who is more fabulous. Answer: None of the above.
NeNe Leakes is cackling so loud that her evil plan to expose the real Kenya worked that I thought lightening would descend from the sky. Far more generously, Cynthia Bailey admits that a lot of the stuff Porsha said about Kenya's age would have made her flip out too.
NeNe is pleased as punch that there goes Kenya letting her crazy sprinkle out and finally explode all over the place. But Kenya has another surprising ally in Phaedra Parks. Phaedra admits that Kenya's ghetto behavior was out of line, but she likes Kenya and thinks she just lacks appropriate communication skills. Poor Kandi Burruss was in the hot tub and missed the whole thing. #priorities #kandikoatednights
Oh Phaedra Parks, you always tell it like it is. The lawyer/mortician hybrid from Real Housewives of Atlanta loves to enlighten us all with her Southern analogies and Donkey Booty. While she can be sweet as sugar, I certainly wouldn't want to cross her.
This season we're seeing more of Phaedra (literally! Was she serious with that thong bathing suit??), and we're also getting to see more of her spitfire personality. In other words, we learn that Phaedra doesn't like to share…when it comes to her husband Apollo Nida. Of course, who can blame her?
Last night on Real Housewives of Atlanta fabulous was redefined by one koo-koo-kachoo ex-pageant queen with a penchant for repurposing curtains into ball gowns, I s'pose! Kenya Moore was up to her old antics again and apparently "old" is the operative word because if you want that woman to lose what few marbles she has just point out that she is over 40. Dang, just tell people it's your 5th annual 39th birthday!
The other thing that happened was the epiphany of NeNe Leakes. It seemed our fair Ms. Leakes had turned over a new leaf this episode. She played many roles: peace maker, investigator of truth and intent, ring bearer and secret keeper, friend and foe, and most importantly WWF referee. Most interestingly was NeNe's opposition to drama as she stayed calm and collected throughout. I think I like this new NeNe, who has emerged the mother superior of RHOA.
Before somebody went Gone With The Wind Fabulous on us, she went after Phaedra Parks' husband Apollo. We're back at the pool where a desperate Kenya was wondering if she could borrow Apollo free of charge for a few baby-making endeavors. Kenya's wig, weave – whatever – is looking as nutty as she is; all ratty and gnarled! Is this the case of the girl wearing the hair or the hair wearing the girl?
Last week the ladies of Real Housewives of Atlantahit up Anguilla for what was supposed to be a vacation. It was instead a trip devoted to baby-sitting Kenya Moore - and it seems tonight will be no different!
The socially inhibitious Housewife proceeded to get her drink on and flirt/molest every single man in site – including the very married ones. The only person not getting their fare share of Kenya's attentions was made for TV pseudo boyfriendWalter Jackson who was literally just along for the ride!
Tonight Kenya continues her charade of pretending she loves Walter while shoving her coochie crack near some other men and Porsha Stewart can take no more. Porsha explains that her disgust for Kenya's behavior began when Kenya was inappropriately grinding on Cynthia Bailey's husband, Peter.
2012 is rapidly, rapidly coming to an end and before the Mayan Apocalypse claims us all make sure to catch up on all your 2012 reality TV marathons. Who doesn't need a 50th viewing of the infamous "Who gon' check me, boo?" argument.
In honor of the year coming to a close let's celebrate some of the best, craziest, and most entertaining reality TV star products to hit the market this year.
We all know there's only one reason to appear on these shows right? Product hawking!
Below is Reality Tea's list of the best products of 2012:
Last night the ladies ofReal Housewives of Atlanta lost one Wig Zolciak and gained one Porsha Stewart – officially – and then they said good riddance to bad rubbish and headed to paradise. Sadly it was a bit of paradise lost when Kenya Moore lost it and got frisky, handsy, desperate and crazy. I don't ever want to hear her telling anyone how they should behave again after she fondled two women's husbands and solicited a concierge for a sperm donation. On twitter she blamed her antics on the "ah ah ah ah alcohol" Girl – there are no words.
Things pick off where they left off last week with Kim storming out of the restaurant during the pre-Anguilla planning brunch. Kim stomps outside and immediately smacks a camera man, telling him, "get the f–k out of my face!" The camera crew laughs and is like, 'Please bitch, it's called a contract and you signed one!'
This is cue for Kroy Biermann (remember when we all thought he was so nice and sweet and too good for Kim?) to leap from the waiting Escalade – still driving the car Big Poppa bought, I see – and start screaming and threatening the camera crew. Oh Gomer Pyle you're so tuff. You lose your dignity over lady wig and you yell that f-word loud and proud so your mama in Montana can hear. Right. So anyone else so tired of the wigs and cigs hour?
After that the camera man reminds Kroy that Bravo will slap his butt with a lawsuit and that's not the sort of being f–ked he wants to deal with so better get in the car and drive away.
And with that Wig and Gomer drove off to the townhouse Big Poppa bought and Kim screamed "I'm done!"
So last night Real Housewives of Atlanta was filled with Wig People Problems. Oh, wigs were disappearing and telling tall tales and making excuses and dealing with dog poop and storming out and doing some math wrong and disappearing. There were wignanigans all over the place.
And luckily NeNe Leakes was on hand to provide riotous commentary on every last wigantic. And she finally got to use her Wig Be Gone (sold separately, includes S&H) – and poof! Kim Zolciak, her wig collection, and her stories that change as often as said wigs fled in the wake of a Housewives revolt. And we bid her adieu. Will we miss her? Sure. I mean, she is a snark lovers dream!
Other things happened last night, Kenya Moore's crazy got even MORE crazy as she turned her attentions towards another lady's man. Cynthia Bailey tried to pretend that going on vacation with all the ladies of the RHOA was her dream come true. Yeah, but instead of speaker phone invites (the classic!) we got sit down personalized invites.
"F*** me now, slave – or I'll spend more of your money on Versace china and wigs!"
Last night's episode of Real Housewives of Atlanta was a lesson in living large, but not necessarily in charge. We spent our last day in Casa de Eviction where the Zolciak-Biermann fam was unceremoniously tossed out, left to the mercies of a generic moving company and schlepping 17,000 square feet of wigs back to Big Poppa's condo. Le sigh. My how the delusions of grandeur have fallen.
Elsewhere Kenya Moore continued to rock crazy like it's a pair of Louboutins. I would say she wears it well, but she doesn't. Instead she comes off looking the girl in foolboutins. I think they sell them at Payless. BOGO bitches!
Things begin at Casa de Eviction, where Kim Zolciak, wig askew, is like freaking out. She's got a whole house to move and one day to do it and no one is helping her. So she storms around ranting and blaming the movers for everything. Sweetie is shockingly the voice of reason as she tries to steer Kim in the direction of focusing on the important things – packing her wigs and makeup. Apparently Sweetie wants to spare us a Kim sans her face.