They’re ba-ack! The original Teen Moms, Maci Bookout, Amber Portwood, Farrah Abraham and Catelynn Lowell returned last night for their third season as the first Teen Moms.

Maci is taking time off from work, and she and baby Bentley are living in Nashville for the summer to be close to new beau Kyle. She is concerned because Ryan seems to have slacked off with his child support payments. Maci calls a friend to complain, and they joke about the possibility of him going to jail. Maci doesn’t want future Bentley (at age eight, to be exact) to ask if Dad’s ever been in jail only to find out that yes, Dad was locked up for not providing for him. Is jail something that normal third graders inquire about in regard to their parents?

Farrah and her mother have continued counseling to mend their volatile relationship. Farrah is juggling culinary school, waitressing and modeling…oh yeah, and being a mom to baby Sophia. She reveals she’s ready for a big change…a move perhaps? College? Volunteering for a good cause? Um, no. A boob job. Seriously? Can I get a slow clap for MTV for making this girl a TV “star” and providing her with the money to “fix” the breasts that her toddler so selfishly changed by being born? She plans to take out a loan because, duh…she deserves to treat herself.


Finally we get to see the voices of reason from Teen Mom, Catelynn and Tyler who gave up baby Carly in an open adoption. Whoa! I knew Catelynn’s mom April was unsupportive and sometimes hateful, but how did I manage to forget that her mom was married to Tyler’s dad?? Someone has attempted to break in to April’s house and Catelynn, understandably, doesn’t feel safe. After the police arrive, Catelynn and Tyler discuss other living arrangements.

Amber’s been going to counseling and ex Gary Shirley wants to work on their relationship. Please no. Amber has been dating her new boyfriend Chris for a few months now, but agrees to go to dinner with Gary to talk about their feelings. Given Amber’s recent suicide attempt, the idea of watching her life unravel this season makes me feel horrible. The couple meets for a dinner date and has a mature discussion but doesn’t reach any conclusions.

Farrah heads to the plastic surgeon and writes “Here for boobs” on the doctor’s questionnaire. Thanks for the specificity and the couth, Farrah. She tells the surgeon she’d like a “C [cup] you can see.” The nurse gives Farrah some padding so she can determine her ideal size by conducting a boob to butt ratio. If I were playing a drinking game based on how often Farrah’s statements made me cringe, I’d be too drunk to finish this blog.

Maci drops off Bentley at Ryan’s house and confronts him about the past due child support. He claims it’s being garnished from his unemployment checks and offers to show check stubs as proof. Ryan has a question about Kyle, but he hesitates to ask because he doesn’t want to hurt Maci’s feelings or start an argument. She tells him just to text her the question. Two things: 1) I assumed that Ryan was hinting at a reconciliation, and 2) when she said “text me” she meant at a later time. I am clearly a two-time loser here. The pair sits next to one another in lawn chairs and immediately pull out their respective phones. Ryan shoots Maci a text asking “Is Kyle slow?” What? Wow. Ryan claims that several people have asked him the same question, and, as he’s never met Kyle, he wants to know who is around his son. Ryan insists he wasn’t trying to be mean, but the conversation doesn’t end well. Shocker.

So…Tyler calls April “Mom.” I know she’s his step-mother, but…yikes. April wants to move to a safer neighborhood and declines an invitation to move in with her own mom as Catelynn doesn’t get along with her grandmother. April’s decision makes Catelynn feel that her relationship with mom April is moving in a positive direction. Tyler recognizes that Catelynn hates being the reason that her mom can’t move in with her grandmother and broaches the subject of the couple getting their own place.

Thinking of Sophia, Farrah doesn’t want to use her savings to pay for her implants so she decides to apply for a loan–because, you know, that’s not real money that she’ll have to pay back with said savings. Shockingly, having no credit proves attaining a loan for boob job more daunting than expected. Meanwhile, Amber meets up with her cousin to figure out what to do with her Amber/Chris/Gary love triangle. Chris conveniently calls to profess his love over speaker phone while Amber and her cousin mime their disbelief. What timing! Amber decides she needs to talk to Chris about her possible reconciliation with baby Leah’s father Gary.

Score! Farrah secures funding for her new chest from her bank, but of course laughs off her mother’s suggestion that Farrah prepare a will before her big surgery. Farrah’s mom reminds her that she wants things taken care of for Sophia because dealing with the death of Sophia’s father hasn’t been a walk in the park. Geez, mom! You’re such a downer! And I take a sip of my invisible cocktail…

After her argument with Ryan, Maci does the one thing that could make things worse. She forwards Ryan’s text to Kyle. Why? Besides upsetting Kyle, what good does that do and what did she hope to accomplish?

Amber and Gary head to a life coach to work on their communication skills…two minutes into their session, Amber’s ready to leave the second the coach tells her something she doesn’t want to hear. The couple tells the counselor about their issues in the past with Amber’s domestic violence. Amber actually opens up and the pair seems to make some progress.

Catelynn doesn’t want her mom to spend more on rent when April could easily move in with Catelynn’s grandmother if Catelynn moved out on her own. April takes the suggestion relatively well, but Catelynn and Tyler are concerned about his mother will react.

It’s time for Farrah’s surgery and she giggles awkwardly as her mother says a prayer for her. A few hits of anesthesia and she’s out like a light. Implants implanted, Farrah’s dad picks her and her new boobs up from post-op. Her dad is trying to be a good nurse, but Farrah is in a lot of pain and turns into a nightmare patient as bags of frozen vegetable are gingerly placed on her new money-makers.

While Bentley is staying with Ryan, Maci heads back to Nashville to see Kyle. A phone call from her bank acknowledges a clerical error–Ryan is current in paying child support. Maci implores Kyle to make an effort to meet Ryan for Bentley’s sake. While he’s not totally over the “slow” comment, he seems to consider her request.

Amber decides to break things off with Chris in order to work on her relationship with Gary. She meets with Chris one last time, and although he’s teary, she sticks to her guns before heading home to her “family.” Meanwhile, Catelynn and Tyler approach his mother about the couple moving in together. She’s not thrilled, but Catelynn and Tyler are, in my mind, so much more mature than 99 percent of the teens who have been featured on this franchise.

This season on Teen Mom, we see what really happens when Child Protective Services visits Amber. Ryan fights Maci for joint custody of Bentley, and Catelynn and Tyler graduate from high school but struggle with their adoption decision in light of such bittersweet milestones. Farrah has an understandably emotional time teaching Sophia about her deceased father.


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