Celebrity Apprentice Recap: Party Like A Mock Star

Last night’s Celebrity Apprentice was sponsored by Crystal Light, a drink I’m pretty sure is only purchased by dieting women. In fact, the first true reaction anyone had to the announcement of this week’s sponsor, was by Aubrey O’Day ,who gushed that the low-calorie drink helped her lose weight.

Apparently, Crystal Light is attempting to cash in on Bethenny Frankel’s lady drinker gravy train and has created a line of drinks inspired by cocktails. This week’s assignment for our celebrities was to each throw a fabulous launch party for two of the drinks: Peach Bellini and Pomtini. Immediately, I thought that Teresa Giudice was a natural choice for project manager. Not only has she thrown several huge parties on Real Housewives of New Jersey, but she actually has a line of (alcoholic) Bellini’s on the market.

Instead, Aubrey took the job for Forte. No one mentioned it on the show, but I really feel disappointed that Teresa didn’t step up on this task. Is her strategy simply just to coast? Clay Aiken talking heads that Aubrey is a natural for this task, because “Aubrey popped right out of her momma’s chotch and started grabbing on to the stripper pole.” Clay Aiken: hilarious! Who knew?


For the men’s team, Clay took on the project manager job for the first time. The men’s team picked the Peach Bellini and the women’s team took on the Pomtini. I can already tell I hate typing those two terms and I will have to type them at least a thousand more times. Anyway, the teams leave the random rooftop they are on and get started on the party planning.

It’s clear from the quiet vibe of the men’s van that none of them know where to begin with this task. Arsenio Hall describes himself as a recluse, which I believe, since no one has seen him in public prior to this show for, maybe, 20 years. In contrast, the women’s team already has an idea ready, courtesy of Aubrey’s extensions. Maybe they soak her brain in omega 3 oils so she can come up with this stuff. Aubrey and her constant companion, Lisa Lampanelli both gravitate towards this “forbidden fruit” theme and Aubrey talking heads that many cultures think pomegranates are the forbidden fruit, and not the apple, as is commonly thought. For all you biblical scholars out there, Aubrey was actually correct!

The Crystal Light suits show up to meet the teams and emphasize to each that they have to be sassy, vibrant and fun. Aubrey talking heads that she’s worried the theme will conflict with the brand messaging, but decides to go on with it anyway. Finally, the men settle on a beach theme, courtesy of Clay, called “Life’s A Peach.” Get it, like a beach!?

Aubrey ends up being a fantastic project manager; she actually gives everyone a specific job to do and does not lose her cool, like Lisa or let the task get out of control, like Dayana Mendoza‘s turn. She gives Teresa the job of getting furniture, which I thought was a brilliant call-out to her infamous scene of buying thousands of dollars in gaudy furniture in cash. Teresa loves the role and says (with a straight face), “I have been told by my friends I have exquisite taste.” Teresa might need new friends. Her big role culminates into getting a carpet installed in the party space, and yelling at the dude on the phone when the carpet is late. She also makes Crystal Light popsicles, which just look weird and amateur.

The men rally and work together well, like they always do. Penn Jillette seems especially careful not to piss Clay off after last week’s argument about Penn’s demeanor. Dee Snider interviews that the men have thrown a typical dude event with no tables, no coasters and no little details, but in the end, the men’s party ends up looking like a lot more fun than the women’s more sophisticated affair. Clay gets his devoted fans, the awfully named “Claymates” to come out to support his venture and Arsenio does a great job of being cruise director. Somehow, they were even able to get Kathie Lee and Hoda Kotb to show up to an event without alcohol, which is impressive.

Over at the ladies’ event, the only snafu is in the signage. Patricia Velasquez was put in charge of this yet again, and rather than run her signs by Lisa or Aubrey, she remains silent and gets the posters printed without approval. When they arrive, none have Crystal Light on them, but focus on the name of the beverage. Patricia keeps saying that Aubrey and Lisa are creating a very negative work environment for her, but in this instance, I just don’t see it. The work environment for Forte is the best it’s been all season.

Other highlights: Debbie Gibson hustled that comeback career, yet again, and managed to find another excuse to sing. She creates an extremely addictive jingle for Crystal Light, which is recorded and given to guests as favors, to be sold on eBay later on. Dayana tags along for the recording and makes supportive noises. It looks like Aubrey just pawned Dayana off on Debbie in order to avoid her. Dayana’s biggest contribution this week ends up being her inviting several of her beauty pageant friends. Every good party needs attractive people, she said. That’s one way to appeal to Donald Trump in the boardroom; keep mentioning good-looking women and pageants.

When we get to the boardroom, Dayana is once again singled out for elimination by Aubrey, along with Patricia. Me thinks there is an alliance between the other contestants. If there is, once they are forced to turn each other on, it’ll make for epic drama. On the men’s side, in a moment of nervousness, Clay ends up picking three folks: Paul Teutul, Dee and Lou Ferrigno, who can not avoid the chopping block no matter how many percents he gives.

The feedback is given and the women get dinged the most for not emphasizing Crystal Light enough on the signage. There goes Patricia. Somehow, the men end up winning, yet again. I would have given the win to the women, solely because of the jingle and because I think ultimately, the women captured the overall feel of the product better than the men. But, the men’s party was more fun. The men’s concepts are much more straight-forward, and I think this is the key to their success.

Anyway, back in the boardroom, Aubrey, Patricia and Dayana are up. Aubrey won’t stop crying, but manages to talk her way out of a firing. Dayana somehow miraculously stays, because Donald overvalued her contribution of “pretty people.” Ultimately, Patricia’s mistake with the signs cost the women their win and she ends up going home. Everyone cries and holds hands as they leave, which surprises Donald and Ivanka, since they are unfamiliar with the range of human emotions.

Next week: a three-hour episode, because NBC is trying to kill us! A brief request if you made it this far: this is a very long show to recap and I always end up missing stuff to discuss. What would you like to see more of? If you have constructive feedback, I’d love to hear it!