Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: Text Messages, Tampons, And Tantrums Galore

Oh lawdy, last night was a night of meltdowns wasn’t it? Real Housewives of New Jersey was an emotional hot mess of whining, tantrums, crying, cursing, bickering, double talk and fat talk. Sometimes we all freak out – even if we are a forty-something father of four or a ten-year-old girl or an overweight twenty-four year old woman. You know what – we’re all just people at the end of the day.

But before we get to tantrums, let’s talk butt cheeks. There were a lot of those weren’t there? There were also bras and tampons. And I learned something important today that I never particularly wanted to know… Teresa Giudice didn’t wear a tampon until she was 27. Did she never go to the beach on her period until she was married?

So things begin in the car with Teresa and Joe Giudice. She tells him about the pool party and he starts screaming and cursing about how much he hates her family and will throw them out of his house and kill people. It was horrible. Juicy needs an intravenous drip of prozac and an anger management coach. Teresa was mortified – as well she should be – dump this loser please. He’s bad for her image and her self-esteem.


Juicy tells Teresa to shut the eff up and she tells us they never fight. Right. I loved the cross swinging wildly from the rearview mirror like, ‘ Hello…. Hello… WWJD?!’

Richie Wakile and Joe Gorga hit up the gym. Apparently Juicy and Non-Juicy have something common besides Teresa – they both pump iron to forget their problems. Richie is giving Joe some sort of therapy session while standing awkwardly amidst the weights he can’t lift. It dawns on G-to-the-Orga that he should apologize to his sister for calling her an F—ing Bitch and tell her he loves her.

Ugh and next comes Lauren Manzo‘s weekly weight segment. Does anyone care? Caroline Manzo‘s crying cause Lauren is fat. Lauren and Albert are forced to have some fake golf date where they talk about how Lauren is the fat child and basically Albert in a dress. Caroline tells us she’s always been thin. Interestingly, I don’t remember that from the four seasons I’ve seen her on TV.

Lauren whines and whines some more. She needs help with her self-esteem. Big Time. Lauren doesn’t think it’s fair that Chrisofur can have a beer gut and she can’t. I don’t think it’s fair that I’m forced to endure this storyline.

Caroline says Lauren was so fat Albie had to take her to junior prom because no one would ask her. Um… I didn’t have a date either. Sadly, I didn’t have Albie around to take me. #mealoser Albert shares that he was glad Lauren was fat in high school ’cause no boys liked her and he didn’t have to worry about that. Wow. Parents of the year right here! Woot Woot!

Side Note: Juicy‘s new job is working out. Literally.

Jacqueline Laurita calls Teresa while she’s sitting in her bathroom. Which is basically an orb of orange-y marble, gold, and gilt. It’s insane. Seriously, it’s like a genie bottle. They talk about Kathy Wakile‘s party and Jacs wants to know if Non-Juicy Joe has reached out to her since the incident. Teresa stutters that he hasn’t.

I personally think Teresa didn’t want to say Joe had reached out to her because Juicy was coming up the stairs at that moment. Remember, he said he didn’t want to hear anything about Teresa’s family. It’s sad she had to basically lie to Jacs over this. They talk field day and Teresa reveals Joe is going to the shore cause she doesn’t want him around her family.

Lauren and Jacs go sports bra shopping together. Lauren wants to be both be a lollypop and eat a lot of them. Sadly, she can’t have it both ways. It’s more talk about how she’s fat and hates herself. I think she’s campaigning to be the new Weight Watchers spokesperson.

Back in marble mansionland, Teresa is getting all her girls ready in matching outfits, for what we’re not sure. Gia sidles over and casually deploys that she needs a bra. Teresa is totally flustered. She’s shocked Gia knows about bras and tampons and periods. She tells us her mommy never let her wear tampons because you couldn’t until after you had sex.

Downstairs she whispers to Joe that Gia wants a bra. Gia hears. She tells Teresa she doesn’t know anything cause she didn’t need a bra til she was 22. She also lets Juicy know he needs a bra now. He does. Where’s Seinfeld with the “bro”?

Teresa takes Gia bra shopping and they are both so endearingly awkward and embarrassed. I like seeing scenes that seem natural even though I am totally embarrassed for Gia that this is on TV. And I could totally see Teresa in a spinoff. Not saying I’d watch it, I just said I could see it happening.

So Jacqueline is having a a Field Day. She’s so excited, which is adorable. She actually slips on the door mat letting The Gorgas in she’s so psyched. The Manzo spawn show up first. Accompanying them is their favorite accoutrement: Greggy! Greggy wastes no time harassing Lauren about her fatness.

In the car on the way over, Joe and Melissa Gorga talk about their only storyline Teresa. Joe makes Melissa READ ALOUD (does he ever read anything to himself?!) an apology text he allegedly sent to Teresa. Melissa thinks it’s sweet and wants them to make amends.

At Jacqueline‘s, they immediately start discussing Teresa. Melissa shares that Joe sent Teresa a text and Jacqueline’s little antenna perk up like someone just said Free Wine and Twitter Fest! She scuttles over to The Caroline to confer. The Caroline is all like, ‘Teresa is a known liar. A LIAR, I tell you. She lies, didn’t you know, but you shouldn’t get involved.’

Now – I don’t know what happened and we’re obviously hearing two very different stories. Was the text sent before Teresa talked to Jacqueline? Did Teresa lie? Why would she? Thoughts?

Kathy shows up with desserts and she is apparently considered the Rainbow Bright of the group. Good for her – that’s an honor. Desserts make you beloved in the Manzo fam – unless you’re Lauren. Cause she’s fat, didn’t you know.

Moving on, let’s talk Jersey butts. So Melissa has worn the shortest, tightest shorts known to man to this field day. Teresa thinks they may be Antonia‘s. I do not want to see anymore Jersey butts. First Juicy in the spandex. Then Melissa in the cut to the butt cooch flashers, doing flips on the trampoline. Enough with the butt cams. Especially the close-up of Melissa’s cellulite (which we all have). C’mon…not nice.

Melissa looks smoking hot in said shorts. But appropriate? Maybe not, but this is Jersey we’re talking ’bout. And Teresa‘s shorts weren’t much longer. In addition to the shorts, Melissa has a sequined ace bandage wrapped around her head. And Teresa is wearing a one-shouldered top to do three-legged races. Only in Joisee.

So before field day activities begin, Joe G-to-the-Orga stops Gia for a conference. He talks to her adult to adult and promises he is working things out with Teresa and will never hurt her. I appreciated that and I think Gia did too, but these people need less talk and more action in the making amends department.

Field day happens and everyone is having a blast; getting along, laughing. Caroline is micromanaging everything. Everyone’s happy. Somewhere in the middle Gia gets upset that Non-Juicy Joe is cheating. He was, technically, but it was all in fun. Teresa and Delores try to calm her down and remind her to have fun, but she gets more and more upset until she leaves.  Apparently competitiveness and short tempers run in the Gorgadice genetics.

You know that expression, be careful or your face might freeze like that? That’s what happened to Caroline. She scowled so much for so long, her face froze that way. I think she does understand Gia maybe a bit. Caroline was the oldest of many and probably grew up too fast. As is Gia. Instead of empathy, Caroline is crouched on the floor glaring at an upset 10-year-old, lecturing her in a stern and cold voice.

Gia was disrespectful to Caroline and Jacqueline. Telling Jacqueline to get out and screaming at them to leave her alone. Totally inappropriate – and pure Juicy. However, Gia is a ten-year-old little girl.

Talking about bras and periods and family drama may disguise this fact, but Gia is a child. Not only that, but the tween era is so emotional. What child doesn’t throw tantrums? Or cry about nothing because they are overwhelmed and frustrated? It’s called growing up.

I absolutely think Caroline and Jacs meant well, but they should have gotten Teresa. They should have backed off. They should’ve let her hang out with Frankie. They went too far. And I understand they know Teresa and the girls very well; they were like family. And here is my biggest BIGGEST issue with the whole incident.

Why didn’t they ask that the cameras be turned off? Why didn’t Teresa, upon realizing what was happening, demand they stop filming? And so, poor Gia. Her life under a microscope. Thrust in the crosshairs between warring “adults” and being forced to grow up too fast. And worse, to pretend she understands when clearly she doesn’t because she shouldn’t.

Teresa goes running into the house when she realizes Gia is being forced to endure the wrath of The Caroline and her scribe, Jacqueline. It really was torture! Who thought it was the appropriate time to be reading a book about sore losers? Did she buy that book for Ashlee who promptly threw at her head before stomping into her bedroom to cry and over pluck her eyebrows? I loved how Gia screams: “Who reads a book?!” No one with Gorga genes, that’s for sure!

Teresa tells Gia it was all in fun and no one was cheating. She says Gia has learned that cheating is wrong. I think Teresa handled it appropriately by not playing into it too much and encouraging Gia to move on. She also tells her to stop being disrespectful to adults.

Letting us know that she is privy to way too much adult information, Gia cries that Melissa is mean “as always” and Zio Joe is being mean too. Gia loves her mama, she loves her family, and this is too much.

Caroline pops up, scowling, to intone that children learn what they see. Which must explain why Lauren is hapless, surly, and miserable, right?.  And Ashlee is irresponsible, obnoxious, and spoiled, right?

Back in the kitchen, Teresa wonders why no one got her and tells Caroline and Jacqueline they were out of line. Proving that mother and daughter handle things the same way, Teresa snaps that she would rather be at the shore too but she’s trying to have fun. I thought that was rude. She then insults Jacs’ parenting of Ashlee.

Caroline thinks Teresa missed an opportunity to teach a valuable lesson about not getting your way all the time. I think some people should keep their comments to themselves a little more (ahem… Paroline Lanzo). And I think everyone needs to just relax, take a deep breath, and not hang out with each other for about a month.

Kathy and Melissa discuss the situation and both, surprisingly and articulately, chalk it up to her age and a difficult time in Gia‘s life. Later, Kathy proves why her kids seem sweet and well-adjusted by sitting down with Gia on the floor and reassuring her it was ok. Kathy reminds me of the good old days of Housewives past, when Housewives were fairly normal people who behaved in fairly decent ways, but were still fun, kooky, and filled with rainbows, of course.

Jacqueline admits she feels bad and she had good intentions. And in a moment of precious, sweet, glorious irony Caroline‘s adult daughter Lauren proceeds to throw a tantrum in the kitchen about being forced to hang out with the dueling, insane, self-absorbed Gorgadice families. I noticed Jacs didn’t whip out the book on being a spoilsport and start reading aloud.

Over dinner, Jacs awards Gia with a huge ball of cheese for having heart. And Gia has clearly gotten over the meltdown. If only that much could be said for the adults.

Next Week: Caroline’s bad attitude ruins her brother’s wedding and things get a little too hot in the hot tub for Rosie!