The Bachelorette Recap: Emily Finds Love in Dollywood

Emily Maynard finally interacts with the “dro” twins, Alejandro and Allesandro, on episode 3 of The Bachelorette. One was definitely worth the wait.  In fact, if I get my way, the star of The Bachelor season 17 was born tonight.  More on that later.  First, we must pick through the drab to get to the awesome.

Speaking of drab, my Tupperware has more personality than Emily Maynard does.  You know what I mean, those bowls that have red sauce forever microwaved into their souls and lids that come out of the dishwasher melted and deformed.  Emily did show some more spunk this week; however, she has hardly any inflection in her voice and that makes it hard to care about what she has to say.  And, I’m not sure how much of it is real “spunk” and how much of it is “entitled princess.”  Tupperware = oozing personality.  Emily = mostly dispensing “golly” and “y’all,” hair smoothing, and teeth licking.


The show starts with Emily’s mommy bringing her breakfast in bed.  Seriously?  Meanwhile, Chris Harrison meets up with the men.  Chris congratulates them all on making it to the top 16 men.  This is 16 out of 25, which is hardly a commemorative feat, but Chris thinks it’s all very fantastic.  I’ll keep the cork in my champagne until we get to the sleepover dates, thank you very much.

Date card number one goes to Chris.  Thank goodness.  Last week’s moping and sad puppy dog faces were nauseating.  Emily thinks Chris is sweet and mature, and she’s excited to get to know him better.  I’m filing “that” away as her “excited” affect.  The date card reads, “Love is a steady climb.”  They’re going to dinner.  But, since this is The Bachelorette, they need to work for that dinner by climbing up the side of a tall building.

Chris takes this opportunity to compare falling in love to scaling tall buildings.  He says, “Climbing a building is like love.  Gotta start somewhere.  We’re staring at the bottom, we’ll work our way up, and we’ll end up at the top.”  They end up either at the top or splat on the sidewalk, but hardly in love.

Half way up the building, a storm hits Charlotte.  The wind picks up and there’s thunder and lightning.  I’m thinking, whose job is it to check the weather report before these dates? Chris is thinking, I can’t wait to make out with her.  True story, he said as much.  Emily is probably thinking, I can’t wait to straighten out my hair.  Now, I’m thinking, maybe the lightning will take out Emily and we can just watch the half-naked guys sit around the pool until mid-July.

They both make it to the top of the building.  Emily says if she saw Chris in a bar in real life, she wouldn’t talk to him because he’s so cool and so cute.  Does anyone believe that crap?  Emily is shocked and dismayed to learn that Chris is only 25.  She usually dates older (and richer) men.  He tells her, “I know I’m young at 25, but I am a man.”  He’s totally ready to fall in love, get married, and be a father.  He gets the rose.

The Bachelorette loves their impromptu concerts, so Luke Bryan treats them to a performance in the middle of a random street in Charlotte.  Chris gets the first peck (hardly a kiss), and it’s the greatest thing he’s ever experienced in his life.  Chris is completely hypnotized by Emily.

The next date card goes to Charlie, Alejandro, Stevie, Ryan, Allesandro, Sean, John, Michael, Doug, Jef, Tony, and Travis.  It simply reads, “Let’s Play.”  The guys meet Emily in the park.  They think they’re going to play football, but Emily walks away.  Surprise!  Emily’s girlfriends are around the corner.  Emily tells them, “I’m going to put y’all’s detective skills to work today.  Y’all are going to meet my boys.”

The boys aren’t happy about this turn of events.  Tony scores some points with the friends for being a dad.  Jef asks them if they can see him with Emily, and they tell him to show her he’s into her.  Doug the Dad understands what it means to step into a situation with a little one and knows most of the other guys don’t get that.  I’m really over Doug.   He creeps me out.

The friends ask Ryan if he’s into being a dad to Ricki.  He nods his head and then does pushups.  Travis introduces the friends to Shelly, the infamous ostrich egg.  They’re firing questions at John.  What’s your worst quality?  Have you ever cheated?  He hesitates before saying no.  Stevie dances.

Then Sean enters.  Emily’s blonde friend is undressing Sean in her mind.  Sean tries to be serious, mentioning that he and Emily connected through their faith and that he has a strong paternal role model.  Blonde friend thinks Sean is a genetic gift to the world.  She asks him about superhero powers and tells him he’d look good in a cape or spandex.  She urges him to take off his shirt, he tells the camera he’s not taking off his shirt, and then he’s taking off his shirt.  Thank you, ABC.  Blonde friend needs to grab a copy of 50 Shades of Grey and release some pent up sexual frustration.

We go from blonde friend riding buff Sean to a bunch of screaming kids.  Emily brought the kids in to see how the guys interact with them, because an hour of playground time is surely going to speak volumes about their parenting skills.

Emily gets the scoop from her friends while her boys are playing daddy. Ryan sneaks away from the play date hoping to catch some time with Emily.  Somehow, the topic of Emily always looking her best comes into the conversation.  Ryan suggests she wouldn’t be “allowed” to change her appearance or lessen her efforts to always look fabulous after they’re married.  Ryan tries to save face by saying, “I would still love you.  I just wouldn’t love ON you as much.”  He sure is gorgeous – until he opens his mouth.

Emily asks her friends which of the guys stood out to each of them.  Their answers are Sean, Doug or Ryan (this friend should be fired), Sean, and Sean or Doug.

Emily takes her “daddies for a day” out to dinner.  Emily talks to Sean first.  A few highlights; Sean’s face is greasy, he’s picky/selective, and he, again, tells us about his parents.  Emily finds out that Doug grew up in foster homes after his mother left and his father died.

Tony, wearing a tricked out sweater, cries all night about being separated from his son.  He cries so much, I seriously thought I missed the date card that read, “Tony: Going to war.”  The sweater has to be on loan from Kalon.  It has “Kalon: Luxury Brand Douche” written all over it.  Doug tries to reason with him.  Doug says, your son is five and has the attention span of a hummingbird.  Even if you’re gone nine weeks, those nine weeks will be forgotten as soon as you return.  Doug’s really thinking, Dude, you cannot leave.  If you leave for the sake of your son, I’m going to lose some dad points when I stay hoping to score an overnight date with Emily.

In the end, Emily puts Tony out of his misery and sends him home.  I hope Tony is able to return Kalon’s sweater.  Emily finds her way back to the guys and apologizes for having to spend so much time keeping Tony from having a nervous breakdown.  The group date rose goes to Sean.

The last date goes to Arie.  Date card reads, “Love is a wild ride.”

Chris doesn’t believe Arie has the same connection with Emily that he does.  So we’re back to that already.  Lovely.

Emily and Arie fly to Dollywood.  Emily thinks Arie is “super chill” and she hopes she hasn’t built him up too much in her mind.  They drink lemonade, play games, ride a rollercoaster, dance, and check out the forum where Dolly sings.  Guess who shows up!  Seriously.  You’ll never guess!  Dolly Parton shows up!  I know.  I could hardly believe it myself.  If it hadn’t been for the 38 previews beforehand, I would have been completely shocked.

Emily shows genuine feelings over meeting Dolly.  Emily and Arie dance while Dolly sings.  This is the best moment in Emily’s life.  Arie gets the rose.  They exchange a kiss and Emily says, “cool.”  Later, Emily and Arie kiss a lot on the carousel.   Take note, Chris, that’s how you kiss a girl.

Emily is getting ready for the cocktail party.  Ricki douses Emily in perfume, because, even at six, Ricki knows her mom is drab.

Emily asks to talk to Kalon.  Kalon is channeling his inner Clark Kent. Kalon has mastered the duck face.  Tonight, he looks like an angry duck.  I’m guessing he didn’t get his sweater back from Tony.  Kalon starts the conversation, “Well, thanks to you, I had a lot of time off this week.”  Passive aggressive much?  He goes on to tell her he really doesn’t know how to share his toys, as he’s spoiled and rich and hasn’t ever had to share anything in his life.  He mentions how graciously sending Tony home shows a lot about Emily’s character.  She tries to thank him, but he keeps talking.  He talks louder to remind her of his importance.  Emily manages to ask, “How do you feel about me being a mom?”   Kalon says, “I always believed my first child would be one of my own.  Embracing you and Ricki into MY life isn’t quite how I pictured it.”  Emily attempts to challenge the thought.  He puts her in her place and says, “I love it when you talk, but I wish you would let me finish.”  I’m getting the tragic Lifetime movie of the week vibe from Kalon.  No relationship he enters is going to end well.

Travis and his egg are up next.  Emily’s friends told Travis he needed to let go of the egg.  Emily and Travis go outside and Emily scrambles Travis’s egg right there on the sidewalk.  I really wish that was code for something hot and heavy, but that’s literally what happens.  Rest in peace, Shelly.  The guys toast to Shelly.

At long last, we hear from Allesandro.  First, let me say, his hair rivals Ben Flajnik’s in greasy nastiness.  Second, Allesandro tells Emily he has no experience with kids and talks endlessly about compromising his life by taking on Emily and her child.  A shocked Emily tells him it should be an honor, not a compromise.  Allesandro is so clueless (or awesome) he doesn’t even pretend to misunderstand the language or attempt to remove his foot from his mouth.  Bottom line, a wife and child will be a sucktastic addition to his gypsy life.  Emily dismisses Allesandro before the rose ceremony.

Arie consoles a shocked Emily.  He gives her a hug, kisses her on the forehead, and then kisses her on the lips.  Sweet music plays.  The editing monkeys sure are leading us to believe he’s the final one.  One of the boys says in the group, I spy with my little eye Emily and Arie making out.  Ryan is shocked.

Emily and Arie stop kissing  long enough to make time for the rose ceremony.  Chris, Sean, and Arie already have roses.  Tony and Allesandro have already been cut.

Jef and Charlie are the first two to get roses.  Ryan is annoyed.  Doug gets a rose.  Kalon is channeling the angry duck.  Michael (who?) and Travis are pinned.  Stevie is wearing his skunk face again.  Alejandro gets a rose.  Kalon wipes the sweat from his forehead.  Ryan accepts a rose from Emily.  Kalon arks an eyebrow and Stevie scratches at his fleas.  The next two to receive roses are John and Kalon.  Stevie and Nate are perplexed by this latest development.  The last rose goes to Nate.  I have no idea who Nate is.  Emily sends Stevie back to the Jersey Shore.

Ryan is still outraged about Emily and Arie’s kisses.  He says, “Arie is more of a “dainty man” and I’m more of a “physical man.”  Ryan declares it a cat and mouse game.  I shall only refer to these two yahoos as Tom and Jerry.

Emily and her suitors are off to Bermuda next week.  Also on the agenda, more kissing Arie, boat races, Doug and Chris butt heads, and Ryan’s narcissistic tendencies.

ABC treats us to Allesandro’s interview with Emily’s friends.  We learn that he has had one long relationship – with his cousin.  But, they’re third cousins, so it’s cool.  He cheats and has one-night stands.  He lives a grand life as a single gypsy.  He can’t even commit to a pet because he’s such a gypsy.  I’m starting a petition – Allesandro for The Bachelor season 17.  Who wants to sign?