The Bachelorette Recap: Much Ado About Nothing

There are ten bachelors left on ABC’s wildly successful entertaining The Bachelorette.  This week, the guys score a free trip to London.  Yes, Emily Maynard is there too, as there’s always a catch.  The guys are checking out the scenery when the first date card comes into play.  The one-on-one date goes to Sean Lowe.  Date card reads, “Love takes no prisoners.” Emily and Sean tour London.  Sean speaks to the people of London about love.  Sean is my favorite bachelor thus far; however, this date is dreadfully boring.  The date card should have read, “Emily brings the history lesson while Sean brings the pretty.”

The group date card arrives.  It reads, “A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.”  The mushroom farmer is the first to connect this quote to Shakespeare. I don’t know the rate at which mushrooms grow, so he might have a lot of free time in the fields to read tragic tales such as Romeo and Juliet.  Or, a producer might have written the answer on his hand.  The group date goes to…


Chris BukowskiArie Luyendyk JrRyan BowersDoug ClergetAlejandro VelezTravis Pope, John Wolfner, and Kalon McMahon are gouping it this week. By process of elimination, Jef Holm will get the second one-on-one date in London. Kalon thinks this rose smells like shit.

Meanwhile, back in the land of boring dates, Emily reminds Sean that she’s a mom and that she wants to make more babies very soon.  Emily declares Sean’s sperm perfect marriage material.  She offers him the rose, he accepts.  They share a very picturesque kiss.

The guys stroll up to Emily for their group date in Stratford Upon Avon.  They’re going to be acting out scenes from Romeo and Juliet.  After auditioning for the part, the four guys chosen to play Romeo are Alejandro, John, Ryan, and Kalon.  Arie and Doug get to play female nurses.

Emily bounces around to the different groups as they practice their scenes.  Kalon takes rehearsing for his act SO seriously, he shoos Emily away. He tells her, “You need to run along.”  He is wound very tight.  Emily is not impressed.  Arie is not having fun.  He’s downright miserable.

Ryan’s part in the play allows him to kiss Emily. Despite his foot being permanently in his mouth, he has this undeniable charm about him.  When he turns the charm-o-meter up, it’s easy to forget what a jerk face he’s been.  Ryan kissing Emily – sweet.  Ryan going in for a second longer kiss – hot.  Ryan’s sense of humor and gift giving combo – pants come off, in his experience (I assume).  As long as he keeps the speaking to a minimum, it’s game on for Ryan.

Kalon, who is wearing his signature duck face, is pouting.  Chris tells the other guys he overheard Kalon saying Emily has a lot of “baggage.”  Doug is outraged.  He takes one for the team and tells Emily.  Emily wants to rip off Kalon’s limbs and then beat him with them.  She’s trying to think of a lady-like way to approach Kalon.  She comes up empty, so she goes for “West Virginia back-woods hood-rat” instead.

Here it is! The “Get the F—k out!” scene.  And, honestly, it’s much ado about nothing, folks. ABC showed the most interesting clip already.  There’s not much that happens besides that one reaction from Emily.

He suggests to the other guys that Emily comes with a lot of baggage.  It’s assumed that this means Ricki, solely.  Kalon says it was taken out of context.  Emily confront him, he admits he said it.  Emily tells Kalon to stop interrupting her when she’s talking.  She says, “Let me talk. I love to hear you talk, but not until I’m finished. I got that line from you.” She tells him to get out.

Emily is questioning her judgment now.  Apparently, arriving in a douche canoe helicopter, the one-sided self-important conversations, the arrogance, and the esteemed career as a “luxury brand consultant” all failed to clue in Emily that Kalon is not her future husband.

Emily returns to the guys and berates them for not having her back.  She’s appalled that none of the guys told her about Kalon sooner.  Sorry, guys.  No rose tonight.  Seriously?  Doug DID tell her about Kalon.  He DID have her back.  Why didn’t Doug get the rose?  Because, what she really means is – I’m disappointed in you, Arie.  No rose for you.

Well, Emily is exciting for a fleeting moment.  Now, we return to the regularly scheduled boring Emily that we’ve all come to know and love/hate/tolerate.

Jef and Emily go for tea. Its “delightful,” says Jef.  That is, until the etiquette lesson.  Thankfully, they realize how lame it is and they hightail it out of there.  Jef confesses to Emily that he was with Kalon when he dropped the baggage bomb.  Jef sees through Emily, and he knows the way to Emily’s heart is through his wallet. He compares Ricki (i.e., the baggage) to vintage Louis Vuitton.  She loves it!  It’s okay to call her daughter baggage, as long as it’s expensive name-brand baggage.  Jef easily gets the rose.  They finally kiss, and Emily grabs the back of Jef’s head and pulls him in closer.

Jef invites me to London to take a Ferris wheel ride with Emily.  This is my official RSVP – no, but thank you.

Cocktail party is mostly Emily berating the guys for not having her back with Kalon.  Emily’s focus is completely on herself and how they let her down.  This is what we call foreshadowing.  Welcome to your happily ever after life with Emily, Chosen One.

I didn’t buy what Emily was selling when she was wooing Brad Womack, and I’m not buying it now.  To me, she comes across as so fake and one-dimensional.  And, for the love of true love, talk about something besides being a poor single woman who wants more babies.  Does she have any passions, hobbies, life goals?

Going into the rose ceremony, Sean and Jef already have roses.  The first two roses go to Doug and Ryan.  Chris and John are the next two bachelors offered roses.  Arie is getting nervous!  Second to last rose goes to Travis.  Chris Harrison comes out to add up the roses, it’s one.  There’s one rose left and it goes to either Alejandro or Arie.  As if.

Congratulations, Alejandro.  Not only did you escape Emily’s hold, you are now the most sought-after mushroom farmer in the world.  Enjoy the ladylove, Alejandro.

Next week, things are perfect until the guys approach Emily about a liar in the group.  Apparently, one of the guys is getting cocky and is only there for the competition.  Shocker!  And, after this week’s beat down from Emily for not having her back with Kalon, the rest of the guys clue her in about Mr. Cocky.  Now, she doesn’t trust them.  That’s hilarious.

TELL US – Who do you think is exposed as a liar next week? Was anyone surprised Kalon was behind the baggage comment?