Real Housewives Of New York Recap: A Plant Dies In Pinot-land

Once upon a time there was a woman named Pinot Singer who thought she knew a lot about everything and thought no one could see through her. Pinot believed her life was like one of those double-sided mirrors where from one side it looked like a window and from the other side it looked like a mirror. She assumed she could clearly see people and they could see only goodness through her eyes.

Pinot believed  she reflected goodness, honesty, truthfulness, and pleasant goodwill. Pinot was wrong. Pinot is delusional, but delusion is a powerful drug – more powerful than pinot grigio, that’s for sure!

Last night on Real Housewives of New York the ladies assembled for a mid-day brunch, everyone but Pinot and LuAnn de Lesseps. Thank goodness. I’m not sure what time it was, but there they all were; this gaggle of desperate famewhores (and Carole Radziwill) all dressed up as if they were going to a nightclub when it was 1 in the afternoon, outside, in a dowtown restaurant.


Carole seemed perplexed – why were they all wearing leather hot pants, and micro minis and full-on hair and make-up to have a cocktail over eggs? The simple answer is because they were downtown in a lair far beyond their realm of comprehension and in their minds, downtown people wear leather. Only leather.

So there they were embarrassing themselves – and Carole – dressed as aging sorority sisters trying to seem cutting edge when they start complaining about traffic to get from pristine uptown – where everyone presumably wears pastels and Chanel no matter what the time of day. Carole suggests the subway and a collective gasps reverberates around the table. That… thing…. that like goes under the city? But only poor and dirty people matriculate with the subway.

‘Not I,’ said park avenue princess who once dated a count. ‘Nor I,’ said park avenue princess now married to a financier. Aviva Drescher believes she’s too “nice” for the subway, that her sunny disposition will attract riff-raf. Carole just sits there smirking and bemused, wondering when these women will get over themselves.

Aviva admits she has a phobia of mechanics courtesy of her accident, which makes her afraid of elevators, heights, and being away from her husband. OK, fair enough. Sonja Morgan announces a fear of eating in front of others, so she’ll be sipping wine, and discussing Harry Dubin; the ex-husband of Aviva, who is a bedfellow they both share. Apparently it’s embarrassing to eat pasta in front of friends, but it’s not embarrassing to discuss how you slept with one of their husbands.

Oh, Harry Dubin. What a hairy situation he’s created. The girls toast to Harry’s hairy bits and troupe along their way to a rooftop restaurant.

In the car Aviva shares that she is afraid of everything and owns gas masks. Apparently when you look up “neurotic” in the dictionary there is a picture of Aviva. When you look up “wine-soaked” there is a picture of Pinot and instructions on how seltzer water doesn’t remove the stain.

Reid shows up to the all-girls party and he’s dressed like he just returned from camping. There is a big to-do about how he doesn’t wear a wedding band. Aviva believes a ring encourages women to flirt – I would say that’s an antiquated sentiment – but later Carole announces she only flirts with married men in front of their wives. Maybe it’s the behind their wives back thing that has Aviva worried. Sonja about has an aneurism about the no ring and starts insisting Aviva make Reid wear a ring. Clearly Aviva has some left-over Harry baggage. Everyone has fun and it was nice to see a cocktail party without fabricated drama. Keep up the good work ladies!

Later at Aviva‘s house she explains why she loves being a stay at home mom and says there is nothing else she’d rather do. She gets awfully dressed up for bathtime. Here’s the thing – if I could afford a nanny, I’d love being a stay-at-home mom also! Aviva and her family shave together and it’s a really cute scene. Aviva can’t live without Reid and worries about something happening to him.

LuAnn skipped cocktails downtown in lieu of babytalk in the Hamptons. See, 47-year-old LuAnn suddenly had the brilliant idea that she should have a baby with Jacques. She drops this enlightened idea on her daughter Victoria, who reminds her mother she’s on the brink of menopause and should just give up the ghost. So, if this baby making scheme is going to become LuAnn’s new storyline, I’m going to have to insist we return to the arguments with Ramona, because even that is more tolerable than another middle-aged pregnancy plot.

Sonja is starting a new business. She wants to start a catering company called Sonja In The City. I think it’s cute. She’s also still working on her toaster ovens. She’s got three levels, a champagne spritzer, rhinestone fleur de lis, a tanning light – oh and a crumb tray. Can’t forget that crumb tray! All in a beautiful shellacked hot pink shell.

Anyway, she visits Ramona and her dying plant at some depressing standard carpeted office to get some advice on going into business. Ramona tells Sonja she has too much on her plate, likes the catering, hates the TO, and advises her to get a notebook to write stuff down.

Next Sonja traipses over to Heather Thomsons‘s office, which is adorable and funky, and I could just hear Ramona yelling “traitor” at the TV. Sonja shows Heather all her logos and Heather gives her some advice on branding. While Ramona was barking orders at Sonja, Heather had a conversation with her, while giving her a lot of direction. In the middle of chatting over Sonja’s label – Heather announces she wants to plan a girls weekend to London. And just like that here comes the totally not fabricated at all speakerphone invite. Carole gets called first and no surprise she can go, just on a whim, with no planning!

Carole is the third wheel on a lunch date with Mario and Ramona. While all other sane members of society would immediately have 65 other things going on at that exact same time, Carole is adventuress and a thrill seeker. No other reason could explain why she attended this lunch.

Carole sits down and immediately gets to the business of flirting with Mario, who about had the big O underneath the table. Ramona was thrown for a loop, but after a few flustered moments remembered she was trying to make a favorable impression on Carole and remind America that she’s not crazy, so she kept a lid on it and behaved.

Carole is impressed that Ramona and Mario are still happy after 20 years. Carole is not the only one surprised by this. Carole tells us she only flirts with married men in front of their wives. In ordinary circumstances Pinot would have knifed her under the table while throwing a glass of red wine (musn’t waste pinot!) in her face. Carole reveals that if she had listened to everyone else she would have assumed Ramona was crazy, but seeing Ramona in an intimate setting she seemed marginally normal. I think those are famous last words…

Also giving Ramona a fair shot is Aviva, who takes Ramona along to buy a wedding ring for Reid. After seven years of marriage and one afternoon with Sonja Morgan, Aviva has decided to officially claim Reid with a band. Is this like Lady Dubrow‘s name change?

In a scene that was completely and utterly sponatenous with no producer intervention whatsoever, Heather calls while Ramona and Aviva are shopping. Ramona doesn’t want Aviva to tell Heather they are together, so Heather proceeds to invite Aviva to London citing how much fun they all had the other night when the two loons were busy being loony.

Aviva says she has to speak to Reid before agreeing to come on the trip, which makes sense given that they have four young children and Aviva is a stay-at-home mom. I should say it makes sense to everyone but Pinot.  Pinot’s little antenna start to jerk up as she announces Aviva is a little too clingy with her husband it seems like she can’t do anything without him – which doesn’t work for Ramona. Ramona sniffs that it’s starting to remind her of Silex. In a bad way. Avied, anyone? Reidva?

Aviva wonders if Ramona will be joining them in London. Instead of telling Aviva she’s been banned after a particularly embarrassing mishap where she accidentally sloshed pinot on the Queen Mum’s head during a tea ceremony, Ramona snips that she wasn’t invited and that’s quite rude. See, she should be invited everywhere even if she and Heather have a tepid relationship at best. Aviva tries to soothe it over by suggesting that maybe Ramona hasn’t been invited – yet. Hold onto that hope of a “yet,” Ramona!

Carole is having a lot of parties this episode, so all the ladies meet up at her friend’s jewelry launch. Aviva is a big fan of the designer who spills the secret to looking young – facial yoga. While I think it works about as well as nagging does, it sure beats the botoxed frozen face look. And it’s free. Facial yoga consists of making a pinched, pucker face and holding it several times a day. If you watch these shows you probably naturally do that expression, so there we go – Housewives is anti-aging!

All the ladies are attending – even Ramona and LuAnn. Ramona arrives in good spirits and we all know she has is plotting something. Everyone is getting along, talking shop, and warbling over how pretty they each look. LuAnn shows up and is cordial to Ramona per their agreement, but she couldn’t stay far enough away.

LuAnn and Sonja convene to discuss schtupping with Harry and how they’re not sure if it’s awkward. Wasn’t LuAnn an acquaintance of Aviva‘s pre-show? Ramona shows up and LuAnn blows out of there faster than a bat when the light is turned on. LuAnn believes Ramona is jealous of her relationship with Sonja.

Ramona has come over to complain about Heather. Unbeknownst to her, Sonja and Heather have formed a friendship, which will be a big no-no for Ro-Ro. Ramona is complaining about Heather’s penchant for interrupting, Sonja has heard of no such thing and is surprised Heather doesn’t ask Ramona a lot of questions. While telling the story of Heather interrupting both her and Mario, Ramona interrupts Mario at least 59 times.

Sonja changes course by bringing up Ramona‘s dead office plant. Ramona sighs that she loved her plant to death but it goes everywhere she goes. I have no idea what a dead houseplant had to do with anything, but its fate seems the perfect analogy to Ramona’s existence.

Finally, Ramona decides she’s going to suck up to Heather in the hopes of securing an invite to London. In what was the most completely transparent attempt ever, Ramona tells Heather she is sorry about her father and extends a pleasant and nice train of conversation about the situation. Everyone – and I mean everyone – is completely flummoxed. Where did this normal woman come from? Someone mentions that it won’t last; that it’s a ruse, that someone is dead right.

Next Week: Ramona and Heather try to start over and Ramona and Sonja have a falling out!

[Photo Credit: Bravo TV]