Sometimes I watch these shows and I have no idea what happens. It’s just a passive aggressive cluster eff of pinot slurring, sloshing, and rambling. On last night’s episode of Real Housewives of New York it was just one big Poopy the Pig moment after another.

So where shall we begin? Ahhh… the bellows of an UES town home situmatated next to a parking garage. No bueno. In the belly of the beast sits Sonja T. Morgan, wearing the merest blush of pink, sipping her water and preparing to be wowed by the business savvy of Heather Thomson and her Yummy Tummy brand expert.

There is also a surprise guest: Pinot Singer, sporting what I can only describe as an outfit straight from Gianni Versace’s 1992 collection. Oh, that blouse with that belt. Please – save this woman from both her pinot and her dated wardrobe.

So yeah, Heather and her brand people arrive and it’s head-butting and butt-head acting and sniping and waffling and furtive glares and Ramona holding court like she’s Sonja’s bodyguard. She’s interrupting and speaking over people and acting like people take her seriously. All of Heather’s team was just eying her warily and mentally assessing that based on this shenanigan Sonja’s toaster oven was going to burn.


Sonja is flip-flopping like a politician and trying to be coy, deferring to Ramona and then going back to agreeing with Heather. I think she thinks that’s how business negotiations work – which is why she just declared bankruptcy and all. I generally like Sonja until she gets in cahoots with Pinot. I have no idea what she was trying to pull by inviting Learning Annex into Wharton Business School, but you know – no one was impressed. Even headless, naked toaster oven wielding model guy.

There was a lot of posturing to say the least – two chiefs squaring off to secure the hand of the beautiful girl. Speaking of Indians – there are apparently two sorts in America they are both oneish and the same. Now, Ramona has this dinner party at Le Cirque. And it’s chic and glamorous and really someone dropped the ball by letting this lot in, but Bravo must have paid.

Ramona is again wearing something hideous. This time it’s a knockoff Hope diamond around her neck that looks like a pretty princess halloween costume bauble.

Anyway, LuAnn de Lesseps is discussing her heritage and describes herself as part “Indian” which is a word Carole Radziwill objects to. See, everyone past the third grade knows you say Native American, according to Carole. And LuAnn is insistent upon using the term American Indian. Look – I’ve heard both and this was just another argument of semantics and posturing and trying to snipe and snape.

LuAnn handled it well. She war-whopped, leapt from the table waving a tomahawk and wearing a feather headdress and she threatened to rip that amateur Jackie O bouffant right off Carole’s scalp. ‘Go back to writing about sex, bitch,’ Howling She-Wolf Turquoise Tall Mountain aka LuAnn sneered aiming the arrow at Carole’s temple. ‘I’m the Indian and I can say whatever I want about my people!’

Then she sat down, smoothed her dress, and asked for more of that $22 million dollar wine they were guzzling. Carole smiled tersely, undeterred, and muttered ‘Native American’ under her breath. So that was awkward, but no more so than when Mario started lecturing Jacques about the Wine Olympics. Boy Jacques really got the talking tos last night, didn’t he?

So Mario is chiding him, like, well he’s a child about what an asshat he was for that Ramona pinot joke because what if Ramona had said this wine sucked (which she pretty much did) and it negatively affected her business. Jacques remained composed and was practically laughing under his breath. The worst part was Pinot sitting there demurely, acting all appalled and stressed out that Mario was leaping to her honor. We all know she pretty much demanded he say something and make a big scene. Those Singers need to retire in Long Island already.

Also at this dinner, there were more Harry situations. Both the one with Aviva Drescher‘s ex-husband and the thing Sonja was wearing on her head. So Aviva married Harry at Le Cirque and once again only Ramona is bothered by Harry talk.

I think Ramona wishes she had slept with Harry too – she does hate to be left out – because it emerged that everyone else at that table had slept with Harry – even Mario and sommelier, who had to be given careful -and I mean careful – instructions on how to open a rarey, rare, rarest bottle of wine. I swear the Singers dumped some Franzia Sweet Merlot in that bottle and claimed it was descendant from Maria Antoinette’s personal stash. Jacques pretended not to know while stroking the Singers off. That Jacques seems like quite Bernie Madoff sweet-talking swindler, doesn’t he?

So after Le Cirque the infamous Harry finally appears. And he is puffy and hung-over looking, definitely the stereotypical aging playboy past his prime and still trolling the polo grounds. He reminds me of a Hamptons version of Matthew McConaughey‘s Dazed and Confused character. “That’s what I love about these highschool girls, man. I get older, they stay the same age.” Instead of Harry loitering outside the bowling alley, he’s stationed outside Barneys.

Anyway, Harry is hard at work at something called Poopy the Pig, who does a butt dance and is really, really unimpressive. I’m starting to think Poppy the Pig is a metaphor for Harry’s real life; shaking his butt around, making fart jokes, never aging and still raking in money. Oh, the life.

Aviva tries her darndest to not scream bloody murder about what a loser he is, and how he is negatively influencing their son. Instead she just wore boots with heels that made her about five inches taller than Harry so Bravo was forced to zero in on his bald spot in every scene. Loves it.

So then Sonja and LuAnn do lunch. Which is like doing sex but with more talking. Ok, I’m kidding – I just watched that faux Kristen Stewart video for the three hundreth time and the term ‘do sex’ keeps popping into my mind.

Anyway, LuAnn wants to have a baby and is trying to do sex, but she needs to do more than sex because she is approximately 58- years of age. Jacques is, ahem, younger… So young I’m pretty sure he was a mail-order groom. Except he doesn’t really want to get married and he’s on the fence about having children, and LuAnn is trying to have a baby for Jacques to keep their relationship afloat because she doesn’t think he’s serious. LuAnn confesses that she saw Jacques filling out an application for The Bachelor and ABC is very interested. Sonja has her perplexed face on. She also looks like she just woke up.

Also in this little scene the real Sonja returned to us and she was insightful, caring, and conscientious to her friend’s feelings and needs. She also shared that she sadly suffered a miscarriage. Poor Sonja. 🙁

Unfortunately in the next scene we get Pinot Sonja, aka Pinoja. Heather is hosting a photoshoot and this branding expert who follows her around like a purse dog accessory is of course there. Heather has invited both LuAnn and Sonja to join her so she can essentially dump Sonja and stop fussing with her toaster oven nonsense. If only Sonja would have liked the font and the naked guy on the box.

She sits down with Sonja to announce they’re just not on the same page and things aren’t working out – it’s not you, it’s me. Except Sonja is like “that girl.” The one who wants to know what she can change, who reminds you that she’s really good in bed and that you have so much fun together.

Heather and Brand-Guy comment that they were confused about the drastic change in direction from the first meeting to the second. Basically Heather and James object to Sonja involving her doppelganger, Ramona. He says “lunch friends” have no place in business. I wouldn’t call Ramona a lunch friend, more like a wine friend. Sonja goes around in circles like this is the hulahoop national championships.

Speaking of friends, there is some mincing of words about how Sonja considers herself a client, but Heather sees herself as a friend helping another friend. And what differentiates the two? Payments received for services rendered.

Finally LuAnn gets involved. I think she actually served a useful purpose of trying to convince Sonja that even if she didn’t want to admit it, Heather is right – she knows a whole hell of a lot more than Ramona when it comes to business. So a photo shoot is arranged, naked guy with toaster oven is in, and Pinot is out! Well, the rule was NO other people on set.

Finally LuAnn hosts a coat drive/Christmas party/Life & Style advertisement and everyone is invited – even *gasp* warring businesswomen Heather and Ramona. And mortal enemies of the She-Ra and Hordak variety: LuAnn and Carole. Your call on who gets to be She-Ra.

So upon arriving at the party LuAnn and Ramona don antlers and proceed to square-off in front of Santa over the Wine Olympics pinot prank. Apparently wearing reindeer horns is their safe place. LuAnn claims she had no idea Ramona was upset about that little pinot caper. Ramona used that word and I love it.

Ramona is so beside herself with fury, she can’t even look at LuAnn as she stares down the floor ranting and raving and swishing pinot around like it’s a third limb bearing weaponry. LuAnn flips her hair back incessantly and maintains that it was all a lark. Ramona Pinot received much publicity she points out.

Anyway, Ramona says she’s a different person now because the old her would have thrown the drink in Lu-Lu‘s condescending face. LuAnn smiles down upon her, icily. Then laughs a second too late as if what Ramona said was a tease. So it goes back and forth until LuAnn asks if Ramona is still mad. Ramona starts saying she’s standing on the corner, holding the fifth – I assume she means “pleading the fifth.”

Ramona, lovey, the only thing you’re holding onto is your glass of wine and your delusions. Keep it moving! I’m still confused about whether or not a charity event was the appropriate venue for this discussion.

Speaking of inappropriate venues for complex discussions, everyone sits down for snacks. OK, cocktails and all is going well until Sonja has eight one cocktail too many and takes a cue from the book of Ramona by inappropriately confronting Jacques through her drunken stupor. Sonja is concerned Jacques is using LuAnn and isn’t in it for the long-haul. She likens their situation to her own.

According to Sonja, Jews want babies and being that LuAnn’s womb is all but barren, Jacques will leave her for a young woman who can bear his fruit. In all likelihood Jacques will leave LuAnn and Sonja is right, but you know what, I think LuAnn already knows this. “I love LuAnn and I don’t want her to be hurt like I was,” Sonja sniffles into her Christmas napkin.

Everyone was nice about it – especially Jacques, who reassured Sonja that he loves LuAnn. Ramona even comes to her friend’s defense by suggesting she let it go and have a few cheese cubes. Ramona shocks the socks off me when she makes an insightful comment about Sonja’s unhappiness and loneliness.

Finally it’s time for one more inappropriate moment. The band shows up and clearly the high school Sex Pistols cover band was Noelle’s idea of a lark, but LuAnn clearly thinks it makes her seem edgy and fun. So they’re all hoping onto the stage to sing Jingle Bells with this crew and things will get very, uh…, well even more inappropriate from there.

Somewhere after “Laughing all the way” and before “Bells on bob tails ring” one of the mohawked teens starts screaming “I want to F–k You In The A$$” over a megaphone. It went on and on. Did Sonja choose the band?

The reactions were priceless. LuAnn tries to shush them unsuccessfully and everyone is shocked to a tizzy. Where was LuAnn’s war-whopping tomahawk when she needed it? So that was great. Merry Christmas all!

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