Real Housewives Of New York Recap: A Picture’s Worth A Thousand Toaster Ovens

It is a rarity to watch an episode of Real Housewives of New York and have any idea what is going on. With the constant insertion of Pinot Singer‘s insanity, I often find myself staring at the TV, mouth agape, simply wondering what the eff?

I generally put Sonja Morgan in the category of ‘nice person under duress’… I’ve pondered whether or not she has Stockholm Syndrome. My pondering is over… the former Mrs. Morgan is now co-captain on the batshit crazy train and headed straight to the asylum. I only hope the drugs are as strong as the delusions.

So last night I’m pretty sure viewers were left with many questions, the most important of all being: How is Sonja friends with a supposed super high-end important NY society people and who the hell let Pinot invade a party with her bad behavior, gross wine, and twenty-years past cute cocktail attire? Only a crazy person would allow that to go on. Where is the Sonja that demanded Alex McCord, her hideous dress, and her equally hideous manners get out of her house? More on all of this later, but first let’s start with Carole Radziwill‘s Christmas dinner.


Carole, holding court in a dress that can only be described as a spiderweb from Studio 54,  left Ramona off the guest list but substituted for George. Carole rightly reasoned that she (and us) could only handle one outrageous desperate for attention calamity at a time. George’s behavior is put on whereas Ramona’s puts people off because it’s out of control, so George is the better option.

Upon learning that Jacques is a no-show, Carole switcheroos the seating so that George, his sexytimes talk, and his veneers are seated right next to LuAnn de Lesseps. ‘Karma is a bitch,’ Carole chuckles, ‘just like LuAnn!’ Don’t you just love it when things work out exactly as they should?

Sonja is quite relieved to be out of Geroge’s orbit and for once LuAnn’s show-offy elitism will get her her due. And also a ball gag. So a White Elephant gift exchange is begun and after the phrase being misused on several other Housewives franchises it finally has its place.

There were normalish gifts that no one really wants and then there were George’s gifts that absolutely NO ONE wants. Well, unless they’ve become an ardent fan of 50 Shades of Grey. Mom Porn… <<shudder>> Almost as bad as geriatric porn! The best part of the evening was that Carole was the lucky lady to unwrap a “clitoris lizard” (according to George) and her reaction was the best 30 seconds of the show. The lizard leaps out of the box and Carole is startled to spasms.

Apparently there is such a thing as a “clitoris lizard” and how one localizes a lizard in such a small area has left me very puzzled. Carole seemed to like her gift for pet potential and not, thankfully, for animal abuse ones (see above). Something tells me PETA is already on the phone with Andy Cohen (and rightfully so). Can we stop with Aviva Drescher‘s dad now?

Moving on Sonja is doing a photo shoot for the toaster oven to nowhere. Heather Thomson has graciously and regretfully arranged the whole thing and whether she is a martyr or a saint has yet to be determined. So Heather is there in an awesome Rick Owens leather jacket, corralling the model, the products, but not Sonja. Yes, Mrs. Morgan cannot be on time despite her 65 house slaves.

She finally arrives an hour late, not prepared, no theme, no idea, no props ready, and totally indifferent. Sonja seems to be forgetting this whole thing is a favor to launch her brand. Sonja fusses about with the toaster oven meal, the props, a tampon, the everything while Heather chases her around the set swatting at her to get ready and get on task.

Sonja finally waltzes into hair and make-up, sighs dramatically, and demands someone grab her purse because she needs a tampon. She also, apparently, needs assistance changing it. Yes. Yes – that totally happened. Sonja took her hair person into the bathroom with her where she announced that she was bleeding everywhere. Then made a joke about how her uterine expulsion and Aviva’s leg would look like a crime scene. And then she said she had a “young uterus” and very fertile eggs.

Oh girlie… or should I say pre-menopausal middle ager… your eggies are about as young as LuAnn’s! Young uterus must mean totally immature. Furthermore, tampon talk doesn’t exactly go together with a cookbook. Ew.

Poor Heather is trying in vain to direct this shoot and she should have hired Mr. Jay – the blondeish one – and Tyra to give Sonja one of her come to Jesus talks. Say whatever you want about Heather, but she is a consummate professional and a successful one at that. Sonja went into every, single one of their suggestions with a bad attitude and then totally discounted their advice.

Sonja basically dismissed their photo, their time, and their energy by acting like everything was all her idea and Heather provided no contribution or use. Which is a shame, because, well Sonja’s toaster oven nonsense is seeming like a joke – just like her party planning skills!

The hot guy holding the toaster oven was really fun and different, while Sonja sprawled out on a table with a cheap apron, was cheap and boring. A crumb tray and three levels don’t sell a toaster over, but Ryan Lochte‘s abs do! Does he come with a crumb tray?

After that whole disaster of an photo shoot, Heather puts aside her differences with Sonja (is she on the right show?) and they all convene at Carole’s for a lunch. A lunch sans food. Carole has planned to order pizza and for appetizers has special M&M’s with everyone’s business names on them. We didn’t get to hear what LuAnn’s read, but I imagine it said: ‘Unclassy Discountess With Autotune Addiction.’

So Carole’s pizza idea fell flat as no one eats carbs or food  – except Carole. So they get salads but the order is messed up and only one salad arrives. Carole probably did that on purpose so they’d be forced to pig out on M&Ms and pizza. Then she announces they’re all going on a girls trip to St. Barts. ‘Eat more pizza –  Surprise! It’s bikini time!’

Aviva is instantly on edge. She has a lot of phobias and anxiety and can’t handle the teeny plane required to get from the mainland to the island. I wouldn’t go to an island with those yahoos either. All the ladies try to reassure her that they won’t kill her or anything and she’ll be totally safe and have fun.

Ramona turns it into some talk about how Aviva is letting her issues and her disability dictate her life, then she announces: “I have mental problems too.” Truest words EVER spoken by that woman and I rewound to make sure it wasn’t a delusion I was experiencing. Everyone politely smiled and tried not to be over-enthusiastic in agreeing that yes, Ramona is crazier than a fruitloop on acid and definitely a wine bottle short its cork.

Aviva wants to bring Reid, and Ramona is not saying a word but her facial expression reads: ‘You’re toaster oven toast.’ Ramona doesn’t like husbands because her own husband doesn’t like her.

So then there is yet another party. This one is a co-listing for Ramona Red (made with the extracts of Sonja’s tampon juice and earning a cool 98 wine points. Not.) and for Ramona’s dual magazine covers. Magazines no one has heard of, I might add. Let me just talk for a brief mo about those covers… was that Ramona on them? Really? And who do they expect to believe that Ramona is 25? Everyone saying she looked like Avery wasn’t  a compliment, it was a backhanded way to point out the totally obvious abuse of photoshop.

So at this party, Ramona decided to cause a fight because that’s what one does when advertising a business they own and would like to be successful – they start a petty, drama-laden fight at their own party. Just a reminder: Ramona is a successful businesswoman and she teaches a class at the Learning Annex all about that!

Pinot, already laced with Pinot and red, pulls Sonja aside to inquire about that photoshoot where Sonja got free services and free professional advice from a for realz successful businesswoman with a for realz successful business. BTW: at this Ramona Red launch Sonja is wearing a pirate bib, so that was a miss.

Anyway, Sonja – biting the hand that feeds her – told crazy to gills and hopped up on pinot, Pinot that no one listened to her, basically wasted her time, oh and that they specifically told her Ramona wasn’t allowed on set! She may have also thrown in another falsehood about how Heather spent the entire shoot talking about what a pinot-junkie bitch loon Ramona was – can’t remember!

Now why would you do that? Why? Why-oh-why is Sonja so dumb, so desperate, so delusional that she must pull such a stunt? Of course, Ramona frantically spins around on a pinot axis until she locates Heather in her laser of doom eye, marches up to her, screams at her, accuses her of intentionally keeping HER – businesswoman of all things successful – out of the photo shoot even though SONJA begged, pleaded, and sobbed to have her included. Heather is like, ‘Wha… ? Please don’t get your crazy germs on me. Are they contagious?’

Ramona demands Sonja clarify that Heather wanted her banned, then screams “LIAR!” at Heather when Sonja half-heartedly agrees. It was ironic that Ramona was seeing red at the launch of her Ramona Singer Red and Crazy Juice!

Ramona continues tizzying about until she encounters the ever-bemused LuAnn, who really does have some great one-liners. LuAnn goads Ramona a bit, pretends to be supportive all the whilst smirking mercurially and staving up some ammunition.

Ramona cannot believe Heather didn’t call her to tell her she wasn’t allowed to come to the photo shoot and by telling Sonja “no guests allowed” that is talking about her behind her back. Heather is like, ‘Bitch I don’t waste my time. Get me out of here.’ I would have never spoken to Sonja again after that stunt, but Heather is clearly a better (stupider?) person than I am!

So that wasn’t the end of that… No – it continued the next night at yet another party. This one is a Sonja In The Asylum fete hosted by one of her friends, a Jana person. OK, Sonja didn’t throw this party, she just invited all the ladies (despite their inability to get along) to an upscale party at the home of some she respects and reveres. That makes sense, right? And it’s really, really good for potential business!

Mixing Housewives with normal people is always a mistake, yet it never gets old. So at THIS party Heather is aptly wearing a shirt that says “Drop Dead” and Ramona is wearing, well, it was purple and ugly. Things started off on a bad note.

First of all, Aviva – who has been coaxed to bring drama – passive-aggressively sidles up to LuAnn to lecture her about the wine games and accuse her and Jacques of intentionally setting Ramona up. ‘Lost profits? My fault?’ LuAnn smirks – ‘Ramona has guzzled them all down her gullet!’ Then she yawns with boredom as Jacques starts playing the piano. The worst part about this “confrontation” other than it being totally un-Aviva was that Aviva was basically reciting the exact same catchphrases the Singers mouthed and is totally under their thumb.

Heather astutely points out that no good can come of this, but she’s content to let Aviva figure that out on her own. After Aviva’s unsuccessful attempt to rehash the past with the obtuse and proud LuLu, she meets up with Ramona & Co. and they all start bashing Jacques. They unleash the pettiness by accusing him of not really speaking French and faking his accent.

LuAnn and Jacques exchange a side-eye and sidle out the door. They are sensing Ramona’s impending crazy, which is settling over the party like the calm before the storm. LuAnn is well-aware it’s about to blow and it’s wise to evacuate. So off they go, into the night, which is far safer than being trapped in an UES townhouse with Ramona.

BTW: Was anyone else surprised Ramona didn’t lecture real estate expert Jana on how much her property was worth? They must have edited that out.

Heather and Carole are both pretty appalled by the scene that is unfolding with everyone huddled by the door, bad-mouthing Jacques who by all accounts his harmless. I mean, his punishment is dating LuAnn, right? And that’s enough!

Heather is most upset that Aviva is partaking in this after she was just lecturing LuAnn about being mean and sneaky. Carole chooses to stay out of it, and shoots Heather warning eyes, but Heather is undeterred and frustrated with constantly feeling the brunt of Pinot. Everyone has warily tried to skirt around Ramona – or attempt to befriend her – but Heather has constantly been forced to endure the brute force trauma of her insanity.

Heather pulls Aviva aside, to calmly mention that she is talking about Jacques in an unkind way and that Ramona is always complaining about people talking about her. Aviva, still drinking the pinot, doesn’t concur. Ramona, hovering behind, overhears (coincident, right? Not) and immediately goes from 45 to 160 and starts shrieking like the great North Winds. “You’re TAWKING BEHIND MY F&@%ING BACK AGAIN AND I”M SICK OF IT!” she bellows, storming out of the room.

Heather, aghast, refuses to engage. When Mario, off having phone sex in the coat closet with his mistress, senses an upheaval he races back into the room (while adjusting his trousers) to inquire about what’s wrong. Heather recounts the story, calls them out on the Jacques nonsense, and refers to Ramona – astutely – as Mario’s “crazy wife.” Mario almost agrees that his wife is insane, but then thinks better of it, and realizing he should act enraged, quickly course redirects.

Aviva deems Heather’s comment “indefensible” – until next week – and issues a “that’s mean!” admonishment. Aviva needs to get over herself and put down the pinot – it’s bad for your psyche. Look what became of Sonja.

Heather throws her hands up and kind of loses it. You can’t reason with crazy! And after four seasons, I’ve come to a difficult decision: Ramona is an embarrassment to humanity.

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