Bachelor Pad Recap: Plotting Isn’t Stag’s Cup of Tea…

Oh the twists and turns of last night’s Bachelor Pad.  I have to admit, with the exception of predicting a camping date, I had it all wrong…

Blakely Jones is so thrilled that her alliance had her back.  I wonder if she’ll ever realize they weren’t keeping her around because they like her, it’s because five-star crazy is fun to watch, and they know she’ll never win.  Chris Bukowski crawls into his top bunk and burrows under his covers.  Jamie Sarah Newlon comes to his bed and starts baby-talking to him.  He’s pouting sleeping.  Chris reluctantly lets girl number three crawl into his bunk.

Kalon McMahon walks into the bedroom, and Chris wants to know why his buddy lied to his face.  Chris demolishes a rose and throws the petals at Kalon.  “How romantic,” coos Kalon, “Must be how you won Emily.”  Ouch.  With that Chris hops out of bed to go confront Ed Swiderski, leaving Sarah looking a lot like Jamie last week.  Ed says he’s more loyal to Jaclyn Swartz than he is to Chris.  When Ed raises his voice to be heard over Chris, Chris starts screaming to talk like an adult.  He’s something else, isn’t he?  I hope Sarah is picking up these red flags.  Ed can’t apologize anymore, so he’s out…and a wine glass gets smashed in the process.  Mazel Tov!


Chris spends his morning brooding and pouting.  Thankfully, it’s time for the challenge!  The crew is greeted by a table covered with teacups, saucers, and trays.  Blakely is thrilled.  Finally those thirteen years of working at Hooters are going to pay off!


Clever name, Chris Harrison!  Each contestant must go back and forth seven times, adding a teacup and saucer as they go.  If a cup is dropped, they must start over from the very beginning.  Also, the players aren’t allowed to touch their teacups and saucers while racing back and forth.  The good news is that the loser won’t have a vote against him or her.  Everyone is peeved that the professional waitress has such an advantage.  Blakely has one more teacup to go, but she drops her tray.  I think they may run out of china before the guys can compete.  The girls are starting over left and right.  Sarah finally crosses the finish line first, but she’s disqualified for touching a teacup mid-race.  Blakely wins the rose.  Look out, Chris!  Again, he thinks she had such an unfair advantage.  Whiney McWhinerson knows his arse is on the chopping block if he doesn’t win in the guys’ heat.

The guys are actually much better at this than the ladies.  Chris is in the lead.  Blakely is annoyingly coaching Tony Pieper.  Chris drops his tray and loses his temper.  Kalon is heading down the last leg in first when he drops his tray.  Tony wins the rose.  He’s smitten with Blakely because she’s the first girl to pay attention to him in this God forsaken house.  Because Blakely is taking Tony on her date, she’s able to give her date rose to save Kalon.  Blakely gets to choose either a one night date or an overnight date with Tony.  Believing that the overnight will be more luxurious, she opts for that one.

Kalon’s date card arrives…with jewelry.  Neil Lane diamonds to be exact.  There’s also a key to a Bentley.  Blakely is beyond jealous, but she’s just going to smile and not let anyone know it’s getting to her.  Yeah, that laugh sounds totally authentic!

Kalon and Lindzi Cox cruise in the Bentley to a part of town that has Kalon a bit worried about carjackings.  They arrive at a bridge that has been shut down just for them, complete with a gourmet dinner and a chandelier.  It’s actually cute to see Kalon nervous to finally be alone with Lindzi.  Smoochie, smoochie!  The pair starts to make out on the back of the Bentley, and Lindzi’s legs are awkwardly wrapped around him.  Meanwhile, back at the mansion, Chris is plotting to send Lindzi home as payback to Kalon.

Poor Tony is under the assumption that Blakely is going to be attracted to him.  She is just going for the bling.  Chris already feels for Tony for having to spend the night with Blakely.  All the hype everyone is putting into this date leads me to believe they are going to go camping.  When they step outside to find a jeep Blakely’s fate is sealed–she’s going on a not-blingy date.  She’s still holding on to the hope that they are going to turn the corner and find a helicopter and a five-star hotel…or perhaps a grill and a trailer.  Awesome power play, Chris Harrison!

Chris decides to put his plan into play, and his first move is to get Ed back in his corner with a pseudo-sincere apology.  Together, they start bonding over how untrustworthy Kalon is.  Out in the desert, Blakely has given up all hope that a limo is going to come rescue her.  She starts in on a speech about not wanting to get hurt and how she is starting to maybe, kind of, possibly like Tony.  Oh Tony.  This is so awkward.  Tony then turns on the radio in the jeep so the pair can slow dance.  Geez, no!  Make it stop!  After some tame making out, Blakely can’t believe she’s found something so special in Tony the plumber.  Wait, I thought he was a lumber salesman?

Michael Stagliano plans a romantic evening on the veranda with Rachel Trueheart at the mansion.  Chris and Sarah are making out, and presumably so are Lindzi and Kalon.  Rachel makes a bold move and covers the camera so she and Stag can step it up a notch.  Also being super romantic?  Jaclyn and Ed.  He’s passed out face down as his loony partner looks at him longingly and plays with his hair.

Chris approaches Tony about voting off Lindzi, but Blakely reminds him that she decided they would vote off Sarah.  He tells his new lady love that he’s unsure about voting off Sarah because, after all snookums, she’s the reason he and Blakely were able to find true love.  Blakely looks like she could rip his head off of his shoulders.  He WILL vote off Sarah.  Tony goes back into the house to hand out his rose, and right before he can name the lucky girl, Chris pulls him aside for some extra one-on-one time.  Blakely will break Tony’s knee caps if he gives the rose to Sarah.  Fortunately, he saves Jaclyn, and Blakely rewards her “domesticated man” with a make-out sesh.  Good gravy.

Chris Harrison comes in and asks about all the new couples.  When Chris questions Ed as to whether he and Jaclyn are a couple, he explains that he has a great partner, but his eye is on the cash prize.  Ed isn’t trying to woo anyone.  Jaclyn is on the verge of tears.  She is surely embarrassed.  Haven’t these girls watched this show before?  The only guy you can trust to fall in love is Stag.  That’s it.  Period.  End of story.  Chris decides to switch things up a bit.  Everyone in the house will be voting off one woman.  That woman will get to choose who leaves with her.  Interesting twist.

Chris lets it be known that if Sarah gets voted off, she’s taking Stag with her.  Michael decides to convince Erica Rose that Chris is trying to send her home.  His alliance will vote her out, and she’ll take Chris home.  Ed feels badly for what he said about Jaclyn.  He’s fine to hook up, but he doesn’t want a relationship once this is over.  Jaclyn starts crying because she wouldn’t be doing the things with him that she’s been doing (aka, the dirty deed!), if she didn’t think this was going somewhere.  Did she keep up with Ed’s season AT ALL?

Erica approaches Chris about getting rid of her, and Stag couldn’t be more excited.  His master plan is quickly coming together!  She promises to take Chris down with her.  Chris knows he’s in trouble, but he figures out the plan must have originated with Michael.  Chris makes a brilliant play, and he takes Erica into the voting booth and lets her watch as he casts his vote for Lindzi.  It’s risky because if Lindzi does have the majority, she’s taking Chris, but if he hadn’t done that he’d be screwed either way.  Erica can’t believe Stag lied to her, and she promises that if she’s going home, she’s taking the house down with her .

At the rose ceremony, it’s down to Lindzi and Erica, and Erica is clutching her crystal gavel in fear.  Erica doesn’t get the rose, and she’s taking Stag with her.  All the girls are upset, especially Rachel.  I guess you can’t win two seasons in a row.  When Rachel calls out Erica for playing dirty, she goes off, gavel in hand, about what a crappy friend Stag has been.  She’s put the cherry on top by saying that the best thing Holly ever did was leave him for Blake.  Yikes!  All Stag can say over and over is, “This isn’t going well.”  You think?  Rachel is devastated.

Next week, it’s a Bachelor Pad spelling bee, and Chris and Sarah still have targets on their backs.  Ed and Jacyln go on a helicopter date, and he admits to her he’s got a girl he’s been pursuing back home.  Cue the tears.  Something tells me that Jaclyn is going to start boiling bunnies over her partner.


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