Real Housewives of Miami Recap: Where The Boob Gods Are

Last night on the season premiere of Real Housewives of Miami, Bravo tried to make lemons out of lemonade by teasing us with a fancypants literary reference and dangling feuds and jealousy in our faces. Aaaah, a Tale Of Two Miamis it is not – at least not yet. No, it was more like a tale of bored Housewives doing what they do best: show off, bicker, drink, and surgically alter themselves. Keep on being you, senoritas! 

Alas, things begin with a kicky opening montage of the new girls describing how Old Miami is a thing of the past (you think?) and new Miami is all them. Thus far, Old Miami looks a lot like New Miami and New Miami seems like they want to be Old Miami – if that makes sense. We jump into things by meeting the new girls and checking in with the old ones. And up first is Marysol Patton and and oldest of th Miami bunch, Mama Elsa

Marysol had a tumultuous year. Unfortunately she separated from her husband Philippe (whom we saw her getting married to on a mountain in Aspen) and he has since moved out. So… storyline wedding? Or storyline divorce? Anyway, Mama Elsa thinks it's for the best. In other Marysol updates, she has been seeing a new psychic behind Mama's back and that psychic saw her RHOM contract and informed her she would be meeting a whole bunch of new girls that would cause drama. Gee.. I think I would ask for a REFUND.


Other things I would ask for a refund for? Mama Elsa's plastic surgery; apparently the same doctor that "ruined" her face told her she had ears that looked like a banana. Please tell me she took this man to court. At least Marysol's fillers have toned down a bit and her face is looking more mobile and normal, although that nose job is still a real shame. Dr. Paul needs to get on over to Miami to help these ladies out. Oh – in case you're wondering Marysol is keeping the ring. She probably bought it herself anyway! 

Next up we meet up with new lady on the beach Ana Quincoces. Ana has been separated from her husband for two years but they retain a very interesting arrangement. They are besties who spend almost every day together … at home AND at work. They are both lawyers, who share an office. I wonder if they would classify themselves as friends with benefits?

Ana apparently has a friendship of sorts with Marysol which is undoubtedly how she got on this show; they've been acquaintances through the event circle for years. Ana shows up at Marysol's office where we learn Mama Elsa's dog has gone missing again and Marysol is getting fliers ready. Mama doesn't want her phone number on them because all the perverts in Miami will be calling her. Marysol gladly volunteers that she'll take the perverts and supply her number. Girl needs a man – a man who isn't marrying her for a TV show or a green card! 

Does anyone else think that Marysol spends perhaps a wee bit too much time with her mommy? I mean this is Lauren Manzo in 20 years, amirite? Maybe Andy Cohen makes her hang out with Elsa for filming purposes. He remains obsessed with Mama – although the rest of us are confused, amused, and afraid. 

Back to Ana, she's in the process of getting divorced – it's apparently been a slow process – except now her soon-to-be-ex has a new girlfriend whom he wants to move in with. AND her daughters are looking to move into their own place. In addition, her ex is looking to move into a different segment of the legal practice and they may be splitting up professionally as well.

Me thinks the storms of drama are brewing off the coast of Miami with this one. This reads as massive meltdowns. Me thinks Ana is not as ready to move on as her husband is! Other things we should know about her: she likes to cook, Oh! and she likes co-star Karent Sierra's sometimes, maybe, on-again-off-again boyfriend, Latin soap stud Rodolfo! Escandalosa!

Speaking of Karent off she goes into her doctor-y roll. In a highly, HIGHLY rehearsed scene she talks about her past as a beauty queen which elevated her professional career and then she waltzes into an office pretending to go to an appointment until surprise she walks around behind the desk and puts on a lab coat. AHAHA! She's the dentist! Oh how clever that little ruse was, Bravo. I wonder how many takes that took? 

Then Karent gets to work on a patient after announcing she's dentist to the stars and showing off photos of herself on the red carpet to said patient. Was anyone else weirded out that she didn't pull her hair back before getting to work on the teethers? I have a phobia of the dentist. She's too rehearsed and fabricated. 

Next we move to another COMPLETELY staged scene with her and Rodolfo in bed, talking. Karent is not very comfortable on camera and seems stiff. I can see why this actress thing didn't work out for her. Give this girl a couple drinks and tell her to loosen up. They are in bed having a little chat about their relationship and how much he misses her when he's traveling. Karent says there are rumors a woman named Ana has been texting him, claiming they are dating. And what a coincidence there is a woman named Ana on this very show! #creativereality. Then they go downstairs for breakfast with her parents. 

Apparently her parents are very traditional so Karent lives with them until she is married; which is interesting because Rodolfo is clearly doing a sleep-over in her room, circa a middle-aged 16 & Pregnant. He makes a joke about the other ladies he is involved with away from Karent which does not go over well with mom and dad. Mom looks like she could make scrambled eggs out of Senor Soap Opera. And that's never good. Dramática

Next up we check in with Lea Black. Aaaaahhhh… Lea – same crazy, kooky, over-the-top personality; totally new face! Looking good girl. Much better than some of your co-stars be. Apparently Lea has just purchased a house on the coveted Star Island. And everything is good except the mansion formerly owned by drug lords is totally stuck in the 70s and Lea can't have that. Like, SO, embarrassing! 

Lea wants to tear it down and start from scratch, although her real estate agent promises it only needs renovations. I have a question – they didn't LOOK at the house before purchasing? So, one can buy a $10M home on a whim? Good lord, I did not marry right. 

Apparently there was a much nicer, fully-renovated house two doors down and Lea wanted that one but someone else bought it first. She wants to see who these new neighbors are…. 

Oh, they're only the Boob God and his wife, Frankenhochsteina. Yes, Lisa Hochstein is married to Lenny "The Boob God" Hochstein and I don't believe I have EVER, EVER heard anything so sleazy and low-rent in my life. Lisa declares herself his greatest creation. Which is utterly gross. And frankly, she scares me – she looks like a Fembot. Those boobs; which she claims were re-done in the Hochstein-manner, look like two flesh-ish colored cantaloupes attempting to eat her face. Not cute. 

The rest of Lisa's oveure is equally disturbing. Her lips, well, they rival Taylor Armstrong's. Her eyes – well they are so surgically altered they squint at different angles. She says she married a plastic surgeon because she wanted to look youthful forever; unfortunately the results were more frightful. How old do we think Lisa is? I mean, does one really want to brag about being married to the boob god? #SignsYouAreDelusional 

One look at Lenny and we know this marriage is a marriage of convenience. He apparently married her for her ass. And the malleability of her appearance. Lisa's profession is being spoiled and shopping. Oh and baby-sitting her maid, Daisy. Apparently Lisa's storyline is that her maid wants an extreme body make-over but needs to diet first. Daisy is in school to become a pastor and Lisa just doesn't understand why it takes like four-years of like reading stuff to tell people about God. I mean, she's married to a God and she didn't have to learn any stuff about books. Just stuff about, you know, bedroom privacies. Lisa is clearly the Teresa Giudice of this show. And I predict some disappointments when we discover Lenny has more than one Boob Goddess on the island of stars and saline. 

So, yeah – she'll be Lea's new neighbor. Scintillating. Out on the patio Lisa and Lenny have touching moment when he promises to bring her home some more Botox. Mama Elsa Junior needs a fix!

From unnatural creations to natural beauties, next we meet Joanna Krupa. Joanna is a supermodel with a heart – and a diva-streak. And she didn't need a sexxx tape or rich daddy to land on the cover of Playboy! Joanna is in the middle of a shoot for Ocean Drive Magazine and her sister Marta – equally stunning looking – is in-tow as her assistant. 

Joanna splits her time between Miami and LA and no matter where she goes she prides herself as a animal rights activist. She apparently has some sort of animosity towards Kim Kardashian. Can't say I blame her! Joanna is engaged to Romain who owns the exclusive Mynt Nightclub. Romain likes to party – a lot – and he doesn't seem to like Marta, who lives with them when she's in town. There is something oddly weird between this Marta/Romain thing. I'm not liking where this is headed. 

Apparently Marta is a bit directionless – unlike Joanna – and prefers partying into the wee hours of the night with Romain who gets tore up on the reg. Joanna herself isn't one to abstain from the vodka and watch out once she gets to liquoring! 

In the middle of the shoot, Marta reveals the magazine isn't giving Joanna a cover only an editorial and she flips her lid. She immediately gets on the phone with her agent, cancels the rest of the shoot and succinctly informs her agent to tell the editor they have no right to the photos if she isn't landing a cover out of this deal. She's been on their cover twice and she only goes forward, not backward. 

I like Joanna's style, but this one is pure T-R-O-U-B-L-E! 

Next up we check in with Adriana de Moura. Adriana is still with Frederic and although they are in love, they are still. not. married. He's still stalling on that one! Apparently they're happy and as a couple he's restoring a 1920's yacht which they will live on once completed. Actually that's really awesome. 

Frederic takes Adriana to check out progress on their soon-to-be new home. And it's in very rough shape. I'm sure Lea would advise her to "tear it down," but it looks like it has good bones. Adriana is frightened, in the wrong shoes, and demands a walk-in closet. Frederic tells her "walk-in closet" is his middle name. 

After yacht-tales it's time for puppydog ones. Marysol checks in with Mama Elsa (which is becoming her only storyline) and discovers the dog they thought was missing was there all along hiding in the closet. Apparently he didn't even bark! Marysol muses that Elsa should stop dressing her boy dog in girl dog clothes, to which Elsa replies that he's still in the closet. And that's why Elsa is TV gold. 

Sadly, they get into an argument about Marysol's marriage. Elsa wants her to end things citing it's not worth it and Marysol wants her to stay out of her life. An upset Marysol excuses herself to cry, while Elsa is consoled and gently reprimanded by her maid. After a soothing song to relax her (seriously – the maid was creepily holding her hand while singing to her), Elsa digs into her designer litter box for some energy. Really… it was this silver pan – shaped like a litter box – filled with sand, rocks, and trinkets and Elsa was digging in it like a cat hiding a poop. IN the end Marysol and Mama hug and all is forgiven. Ahhhh… the power of fancy litter. 

Best part of that scene: Mama Elsa's solid gold loafers!

Lea and Adriana get together to catch up and discuss an upcoming Miami Food & Wine Event they'll all be attending. Adriana, apparently giving the hook-up to a lot of the new girls, reveals she knows Lea's new neighbors, the Hochsteins. Adriana wonders if Lea has heard of the Boob God. Lea looks disgusted and sniffs that she hasn't, but nonetheless allows Adriana to invite Mrs. Boob God to the Food event. 

Cue the event. Everyone will be attending, including resident sidekicks Marta and Elsa. Also making an appearance is Alexia Echevarria. A fleet of white limos picks up the various girls from all around the city. Alexia is riding with Ana and Marysol, with Mama Elsa holding fort in the front seat. 

Marysol reveals she hasn't spoken with Lea since last year's Black Gala where there was a falling out. Did anyone know that was a thing? We check in with Alexia and Frankie is doing phenomenally well since Alexia hasn't left his side in months. It's great to see her and we are thrilled her son is doing so much better. 

Lea chimes in that Marysol allowed a red carpet snafu to occur and therefore she is no longer her event planner. I assume she is referring to fired Housewife Christy Rice sneaking into the event and not paying for tickets? Ever since then they have been at odds. I am at odds with Lea's coat – what is that thing? 

At the party, Lea meets Lisa and breezily says hello before disentangling herself to say hello Elsa. Perhaps Lea is afraid of getting Boob Juice on her? Lisa pipes up that she too throws smaller versions of events like Black Gala – in between professional shopping, of course!  Lea doesn't acknowledge her response. Lisa calls her "rude." Lisa so wants to be like Lea in 15 years.  Then Lisa further sucks up to the charity goddess of Miami by trying to make her do shots and asking her if she was 21 yet. Lea isn't buying it. I sense that these two will be neighbormies. Neighbors but enemies.  

Speaking of enemies, Karent arrives with Rodolfo on her arm and Ana's little antenna perk up immediately. Apparently Rodolfo knows Alexia and her husband and Ana is good friends with Alexia too. She met Rodolfo in the hospital while visiting Frankie and Rodolfo asked her her number. They have been flirting and texting for about six months. And many people do not believe Karent and Rodolfo are a real couple. Interesting!

I love a good love triangle. I also love when a soap opera or Lifetime Movie becomes real life. To say I'm hooked would be an understatement. 

There is the exchanging of narrowed eyes, the hushed whispering, the gossip zinging around faster than shots. Adriana is on alert and furious that people would think her dentist is lying about the status of her relationship. Everyone else is fascinated by the drama that will potentially unfold. 

Most interesting of all is that when Rodolfo and Karent are introduced to Ana, he pretends he's never met her before and says "Nice to meet you," while Karent and Ana say nothing! Karent claims she's seen texts from Ana to Rodolfo but not the other way around, which would imply that she knows he knows her. This is all so very intriguing. Good lord – I am enamored with this storyline. 

In the middle of all of this a woozy Mama Elsa has a hard time holding down a conversation with an inquisitive Joanna, who everyone is slightly in awe of. Lea is supinely sweet to her I notice. Joanna thinks something is wrong with Elsa. Then she is distracted by some Marta/Romain drama. Marta starts crying at the party and complaining about how rude to her Romain is over some argument and text conversation they had. Joanna is embarrassed by her histrionics in front of new people. I'm just filing this Marta away in the "Reality TV Gold" category. 


And then at the precipice of it all Mama Elsa faints in the middle of the party! Right there on the floor near the bar. An ambulance is called and Mama Elsa is whisked away while Lea, Marysol, and Ana peek through the ambulance windows. Perhaps Mama Elsa shouldn't be hitting the bars so much if she's fainting all the time! Did the fillers eat her brain?

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