Real Housewives of New York: aviva, Aviva, AVIVA!

Last night on Real Housewives of New York one special housewife had a resurgence of adolescence when all she talked about was me, me, me, mememememememmememememe! Yep – one whole long hour of Aviva Drescher, her phobias, the horrible St. Barths psycation, and her problems with Tweedle Drunk and Tweedle Cum. Luckily Heather Thomson was there to speak for the masses, be the voice of reason, and finally suggest that she maybe just LET. IT. GO.

Things begin with a dinner party in a lovely UES apartment. Attending the party are siamese twins Pinot Singer and Sonja Morgan and  their frienemy LuAnn de Lesseps. Apparently all three ladies share a mutual friend who is probably looking for camera time because she's selling her apartment, her recipes, her interior design business, her dignity, her husband, whatever… 

LuAnn lets us know things have been strained with Jacques since she told him about the incidents in St. Barths, mainly pertaining to a late-night episode in piratry, so she's been giving him extra reassurance that she cares. 


Anyway, the kicky little twist was that they guys were supposed to cook dinner. Which was made even funnier by the fact that NONE of the women knew how to cook, either. The guys put on these dumb aprons and the hostess told Mario to shove a meat loin the size of a tree trunk in a 10" frying pan while Jacques quickly called for pizza behind his back and gave the ladies an extra glass of wine or six to distract them. 

While the hostess was supervising the menfolk, LuAnn, Sonja (wearing a She-Rah headband), and Pinot chatted about St. Barths; most specifically Aviva. It came as no surprise that Ramonja was still highly incensed. 

LuAnn tries to play devil's advocate while staying neutral but Sonja starts to shriek about how Aviva called her a bad word and it's still making her feel dirty because it hit a nerve. Then she storms away. Truthfully though, Sonja made a lot of good points about how Aviva is essentially spoiled and out of touch with reality; throwing around her fancy degrees and smarty-pants stuff, while acting like a complete high school mean girl. "Maybe if she'd paid for her own education, she'd appreciate it!" Sonja snipes; stomping off in her modified Renaissance Fair costume. Girl's on a budget! 

The Sonja spells it out – all Aphovia really did was hop on a plane with her hubby (something she's done many times before) and showed up for a luxury vacation. And she's lived in France – which required plane travel! It wasn't exactly earth shattering science or anything! Something is not adding up with this Aviva, here…

Ramona claims St. Barths Aviva is not the same Aviva she met in NYC – and it was a case of Invasion of the Body Snatchers. Ramona decides that the real phobia Aviva suffers from is a fear of being away from her husband – and planes, trains, automobiles, and a little bit of drunken partying ain't got nothing to do with it.

LuAnn looked totally bored at this point and then Ramonja starts shrieking, and squawking, and bellowing. Just a reminder: these people are very classy. 

LuAnn, slowly tries to extract herself from the crazy, but it was too late – Ramonja double-teams her, shouting in her face. Oh, it was dreadful. "She's a buzzkill when she's not even here!" Ramona laments of Aviva. ANYONE who isn't constantly guzzling pinot from the bottle is a buzzkill where Ramona is concerned. 

And that is classy behavior – AS USUAL – from Ramonja. #TakeAXanaxAndCalmDown

Next up, Heather and Carole Radziwill grab some drinks, get bombed at a gay bar, and rehash the trip. It was ch-ch-ch-cherry bombs. They were rambling like drunken sorority girls about how much they looourve each other and are like sisters. And then they too start questioning Aviva's good girl image and self-righteousness. 

Apparently Aviva has never done a shot but she was a runaway bride (pre-Harry Dubin) cancelling her Jamaican wedding a week before it was supposed to take place. Again, things are not adding up. Heather realizes Aviva has some hidden balls that she whips out when need be. Oh, Aviva, Aviva… 

Next up LuAnn and Heather grab lunch to discuss St. Barths and the situation with Jacques. Heather would like to call LuAnn out on The Italian Story, but for some odd reason doesn't – disappointing the producers and the fans massively. Is anyone EVER going to confront LuAnn about such an odious lie? #Reunion. 

LuAnn is totally bored with this conversation too – she's over the Ramonja vs. Aviva thing and doesn't think these friendships will ever recover. 

Then Heather brings up Jacques – who is currently in Paris for two weeks seeking revenge for the Tomas situation. LuAnn drops a bomb that she is going to get IVF to get pregnant with Jacques' baby. IVF?! LuAnn is getting IVF?! How old is this woman?

Heather is very surprised and wonders if LuAnn is trying to convince her – or herself – that everything is golden?

And then LuAnn chokes – literally. On some eggs. Oh, the irony of LuAnn gagging on some eggs…

Next up Carole, Heather, and MEviva meet up for dinner and to discuss Aviva, Aviva's disappointments, Aviva's issues, Aviva's horrible trip to St. Barths, and why Aviva hates Ramonja. Basically it was forum dinner where the topic was Aviva. True – she had some good points about how Ramona sort of sucks Sonja into negative situations (even though Sonja is an adult), but mostly it was just whining and 'woe is me' nonsense. All of it all the time is all about ME-viva. Has she replaced Pinot as the resident cast narcissist?

Heather is sympathetic given Sonja's personal issues, but ME-viva is brutal and thinks Ramona was using Sonja as her sidekick. Carole just wants a martini and a gag order so Aviva shuts up. So she eats. Which is what I would have done. Heather tries to bring Aviva around to being compassionate to Sonja's issues and accepting that she got caught up in a negative situation. Aviva agrees – and decides to try and make amends with Sonja. 

Pinot on the other hand – Aviva has no interest in any sort of sympathy towards her. "Ramona is a cheesy, cheesy, low-class woman," Aviva snipes. I could not agree more. 

Then Sonja and Carole get together to visit a designer friend of Sonja's. Carole is a little wary of Sonja since St. Barths, but now she is starting to worry about her and wants to check in. Sonja leads Carole down a long narrow hallway, and Carole starts to panic – this is not going to end well she thinks imagining that she can use her hot coffee to scald someone if need be. Oh why oh why did she take Aviva's side when clearly its Ramonja that are the dangerous kind of nutty. But then – whew the door opens and it's a perfectly respectable bespoke tailoring shop! And she knows the guy.

Unfortunately the owner is Peyman Umay;  a person Carole went on a disastrous first "research" date with a few episodes back and she never returned his calls. So, she's not out of the woods yet. It's awkward, awkward, awkward – and he wants to know why she didn't call. This was a total producer intervention set up, I fear. 

Carole and Sonja get some alone time while Peyman is negotiating his contract with Bravo for some other reality show about NYC designers who cougar hunt, and they discuss – what else – St. Barths! Oh how fun. This again. I'll spare you and leave it at: Sonja is still mad, calls Carole a bad hostess, and Carole is still trying to be the peacemaker. Then they go get some shirts. 

Then if you can believe it, Heather and ME-viva get together for dinner where they discuss guess what?! St. Barths! Aviva is still upset, still furious, still unable to let it go. Heather is like 'kill me now! Shut. Up.' Aviva calls it the worst trip of her life – and Heather cannot understand why someone who had such a terrible time won't stop talk about it. 

Heather was impressively honest with her by saying that girl trip bonding happened – until Aviva showed up, started drama, and made it a complete disaster. As Heather put it, "It turned into a trip about Aviva." Whomever said Aviva should have just stayed home is right. 

Aviva is still upset that Ramonja were drunk and rowdy the whole time, but Heather reminds her it didn't ruin anyone else's trip but Aviva's because she let it! And guess what – this trip wasn't. all. about. ME-viva! 

Aviva decides the real problem is that Ramonja bullied her – particularly Ramona – because Reid was there. WHAT?! Ok – is she seriously whipping out the KKB "systematic bullying" card? I mean, I didn't see any bullying, just a lot of overgrown high schoolers thinking they are the most important thing ever. If anything it was Aviva who held all the other ladies hostage with her neurosis, insistent demands, and overly high expectations. She really needs to get it together. 

Aviva is also annoyed that they didn't sincerely apologize because they wanted to have fun. Heather is ready to crawl under the table and scream, but instead she just tells Aviva to stop it. "You're being me, me, me – enough!" Good for you Heather! Aviva pauses for a second, realizes she doesn't want to be further ostracized from the cast, and decides she'll just go home and complain about them to Reid some more. Does Reid have earplugs?

In the mini-break sequence, Carole and Aviva are shopping when Carole admits she has started smoking again because of stress. She's apparently procured pink cigarettes and this makes the whole smoking thing better. Aviva tells her this could be a big problem with their friendship. It's all about Aviva, again! I personally think Carole was joking about smoking to freak Aviva out. 

Then Ramona pays a visit to Sonja where she is holed up in her bed like that crazy lady from Harriet the Spy who never leaves her bed and has a maid wait on her hand and foot. That's Sonja! Even her daughter thinks it's weird and a problem. Ramona climbs in and Sonja reveals she is going to court to see her ex for the first time in years – and she's worried about what she's going to wear so she is attractive to him. And she doesn't want one of her eyelashes falling off or anything. Apparently they still have divorce settlement issues to work out. 

Sonja apparently still pines for her ex – or at least the lifestyle and clout he provided her with – but he has no desire to speak to her. She just wants to be friends again. Ramona, lucid for once, recognizes this is a problem. Sonja cannot get out of the past and she is seriously concerned with looking attractive for a man who unceremoniously left her five years ago for another woman, screwed her on the divorce settlement, and won't even be cordial to her for their daughter's sake. Something is very odd with this situation. I could see Sonja stalking him. 

The whole time Sonja had these bright red blotches on her cheeks which were making me nervous. This is really sad; Sonja needs to move on and get past this. Ramona is staring at her like she's a complete nut; and interestingly her eyes did not seem crazy at all in that scene. Perhaps that is secret to taming the Ramona Singer Bobble Eye – make her issue the hairy eyeball at others and she looks like normal one. What a mess that scene was. Ramona was being a good friend to Sonja there. 

Speaking of exes, ex-friends Aviva and Sonja get together for dinner and to discuss St. Barths. I'm not sure why Sonja went (maybe a free meal? maybe a producer demand?) because she clearly had no intention of making amends with Aviva or forgiving. But she showed up with a positive attitude and seemed content to let Aviva ramble while she gulped water and snarfed designer pizza. 

Aviva admits that now she's changed tracks and is feeling sorry for Sonja, but Ramona – she's still on the shit list. Aviva tells Sonja she loves her, which is odd – I mean since she just called her a drunken slut who also happens to be white trash. Aviva is a suck-up.

Then Aviva turns it around and blames Sonja for not giving her the "warm and fuzzies" and hurting her feelings. Aviva does apologize, but Sonja is over it. You can see her visibly deflate, like 'Really? I have to rehash this again?' 

So Sonja spells it out; apology not accepted – she can't have a friend who thinks she's complete trash. Aviva then decides this is all Pinot's fault. Ramona "duped" her and betrayed her and caused allllll the drama. All of it! Sonja is perplexed and reminds Aviva everyone was having fun until she showed up wearing a dusty mauve blazer and an air of entitlement. Poor Aviva – she rained on the parade she wanted everyone to throw for her. 

OK – what exactly did Ramona do again? I mean, yeah she is two-faced, crazy, and barely coherent 90% of the time, but what specifically did she do to Aviva other than decide she didn't want Reid crashing their Flashback To College girls trip? I mean sure, that was passive-aggressive and obnoxious, but it wasn't that horrendous. Or am I wrong?

Anyway, Aviva feels she should have heeded LuAnn's everyone's advice when they warned her Ramona was dangerous and crazy. Sonja is equally confused and wonders what that has to do with Aviva calling her "white trash"? Ditto, girl. 

Aviva sighs – this is so pedestrian. She gets on her high horse. Literally, steps up there and starts to lecture Sonja in a condescending manner about why she used the word "white trash" (which is actually TWO words, not one Mrs. Vassar. Maybe in one of her 86 languages it's only one word, though. I'm really not the authority.). Anyway, the word that Aviva used was "white trash" and it means – wait for it… "moral failure." 

It does? Cause I always thought it meant trailer park livin', moonshine makin', Wal-mart and NASCAR lovin', redneck. I need to consult Mama June from Here Comes Honey Boo Boo on the true definition. S'cuse me – I'll be back. 

Ok – back! I was right. Moral repugnance has nothing to do with being white trash, but sketti totally does. Aviva goes on to tell Sonja she is a morally reprehensible human being for embroiling herself with Pinot – who is also morally reprehensible. Aviva tells Sonja she is on a spiral downward and doesn't own her problems. 

Sonja is verklempt, decides she's had enough designer pizza, designer educations, and designer tongue lashings. She may be slightly morally reprehensible and often drunk, but at least she's a nice person and not a complete bitch. 

She stalks out and leaves Aviva with check. How's that for some white trashiness? "I'm over you," Sonja admonishes; pulling on her little hat and waltzing out the door. Poor Aviva – alone, uptown at a pizza place without Reid. I hope she can get home OK without holding his hand. Oh, what am I saying – he's waiting outside in the car. 

Look, Aviva does make some good points, but she fails to take any accountability for her own role in any of this! She used the wrong words, she didn't have a meltdown – Ramonja made her angry, no one else owns their problems, they were all drunk and irrational causing her to get upset, she's just being honest. Ugh.. ME-viva – excuses, excuses. 

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