Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: The Bald & The Beautiful-ish.

First of all I have to admit I spend way WAY too much time analyzing the antics of the Housewife. They are an odd specimen, aren't they? And Real Housewives of New Jersey in particular. Although those ladies leave me wanting to turn into Pinot Fabulous Singer and just get sloshied all day, I have to admit they really keep it interesting from the psychological perspective. 

Which leads me to last nights FINAL season finale of RHONJ. And out it all came like projectile vomit. Except I was left with way more questions than I had to begin with. I mean will I ever get the answers I'm looking for or will I die questing to know what exactly happened at the infamous S4 Posche Trashion Show? I guess if I can ever manage to get stranded on a desert island with Teresa Giudice I might learn the truth, but until then all I'm left with is an an aneurysm from wonder and a seriously large bill for TherapyByBravo. You're paying for this right @bravo_andy?

It is not often that a Housewives show rivals that of a Shakespearean drama with so many higher level plot points circulating around. I literally feel dizzy. Bravo has truly outdone themselves, but they've also truly over done themselves and I don't think they can ever come back from the edge with this one. 


So we begin at the Posche Trashion Show where Angelo Vrohidis is slugging his shiny self up to the table to ask Melissa Gorga (and her My Little Pony pretty, pretty mane of hair) if she remembers him. I actually think Melissa's hair looks beautiful so that was a compliment. I still have the sads that I sold all my MLP at a garage sale when I was 11. 

Teresa is sitting there looking like she's on the teacups at Disney World and trying not to heave. Something was up with that girl… Guilty Conscience? Fear? Abdominal Discomfort? Too much Fabellini too soon? Or just awkwardness because Angelo is a skeeve and she didn't want anything bad to happen. Again – so many questions! The big question is why didn't she just tell him to leave the table? Maybe that would look worse? 

Then the actual Trashion show happens. I really just cannot call anything that walked down that runway "fashion." It looked like Kim D raided the circus costume consignment shop and threw it up all over some poor desperate for fashion women of New Jersey. Ugh. 

Anyway, Angelo wanders off – that was so anti-climactic – and somehow Melissa and Teresa find them self in a hall of mirrors. A little dark room with a lot of tight angle close-up shots and sign that ominously reads bathroom written in chalk or something. I have a feeling that moments before that sign read 'torture chamber.' 

They're talking about baldy and Teresa's all like funny he should be here because I saw him this afternoon and like he said you were a dancer. And not like the ballet-y kind in the tutu like the trampy kind in the g-string. I told him he was a liar, even though I'm pretty sure you were a dancer. Right, Melis

Melissa, gives Teresa that look like 'Seriously? Really – this again?' and says she knows him but she's not sure how. Believable – even if she did strip in the club he worked at (managed?). Then she reiterates that she was a bartender and she was mostly a teacher during that time, but worked at Lookers sometimes for the money. She keeps asking why Teresa wouldn't believe her and Teresa keeps asking about why Angelo would say this about Melissa. 

To their credit both ladies were remarkably calm here and I do not think Teresa was acting. And I think Melissa was being honest as well. Although I am plagued with wonder about why she didn't call Melissa in advance? She claims she didn't know he was coming to the Trashion show, but wouldn't she want to warn her SIL whom she love, love, loves that some random was going around town saying she was a stripper? Odd. 

However I think Teresa seemed pretty authentic in that moment and more and more a part of me believes she was not the orchestratess of the set up. Could be wrong – wouldn't be the first time. I also think Melissa was remarkably composed and adult – which isn't the way people are trained to behave on these shows. I'm sure she got a talking to from the producers later! Anyway she denies it, is confused about why Teresa wants her to confront Angelo, and decides to call Poison Gorga

Teresa is concerned about this coinkdick or coinydoinky coin-k-ee oh whatever with the whole Angelo thing and when Melissa suggests calling Poison she sort of spazzes imagining (rightfully so) that she'll be blamed for this so she storms out to go yell at bald freaky weird guy infiltrating girl land. Melissa calls her husband – and I would have called mine too in that situation – and he is coinkidoinky five minutes away and already in the car driving over there. He tells Melissa not to do anything. 

Teresa is now on a rampage looking for that "bald guy" – he needs a table flipped on his head! She's crashing through the dining room (a scene reminiscent of last year's PFS) and the only thing I could focus on was her dress. Why is Teresa wearing a bedazzled Flash Dance dress. It's like a sweatshirt that got attacked by confetti! She's a maniac indeed. Teresa admits Kim D is "loving every minute" of the drama. 

In the middle of it all – in another coinkdink – Angelo conveniently forgets his mic is on as he tells some random woman "Kim and Teresa want me to blow the cover on Melissa because she plays 'holier than thou.'" True she does – THEY all do! "They had me do this," Angelo adds; "forgetting" that his mic was on. Essentially outing that it's a set up of some kind. By the time Teresa is out of the darkest bathroom in the world, Angelo has left and Kim D claims it's because the producers told him his work was done no one "liked him" at the show. 

SO – I am still left with questions – so many lies, so many circulating stories. Who is telling the truth? And more importantly WHO is lying?

Also, happening in this riotous tilt-a-whirl of ever spinning drama, Jacqueline Laurita starts randomly receiving text messages from a "mutual friend" claiming she shouldn't leave because someone is going to be set up tonight and it's not her, but the drama is going down. Of course she shares them with Caroline Manzo – right about the time that Teresa and Melissa return from the bathroom, flustered, annoyed, but otherwise good. Kathy Wakile says she's staying out of – impossible!

Jacqueline, Caroline, and Lauren are all exchanging some very interesting facial expressions – and they are already deciding Teresa is to blame for everything. 

The rumor is that Jacqueline was receiving texts from a producer – which would make sense since she admits the person instructed her not to leave. Another rumor is that Teresa also received that same text from a producer which told her someone was being set up and not to leave. Which is why she stayed. And why Jacqueline stayed. Who is to know what the truth is. It seems like Teresa, Melissa, AND Jacqueline are simultaneously being set-up. Possible? Maybe… 

So while everyone is flustered, trying to recover, trying to get their bearings at the RHONJ table and with Poison on his way to the event to put the smackdown on mythical bald whistleblower; here she comes. The wicked witch in a weave made of straw, stirring her evil brew of drama with a cocktail straw and a smirk. I see you Kim D… and you look like you just spied a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. 

Kim D approaches the table under the pretense of an apology (claiming she doesn't know Angelo?!) but Melissa isn't buying it anymore than she's buying schlock at the Posche Boutique. Cause it's all crap. Everything Kim D touches turns to crap. Melissa's antenna are flying around and she's confused… "I'm sorry… It's not adding up." she says of Teresa hanging out with Kim D and meeting Angelo before hand and Angelo showing up at the show. 

Teresa scampers off, dress glowing like a disco ball, to go take shots with Pete Giudice and Kim D. To make matters worse Caroline shows Melissa the top-secret texts Jacqueline has been receiving and that is the final straw for Melis. She shoves that gross piece of hay back into Kim's weave and decides to leave. She's done – and I would be too. 

It's just another coinkidink that Jacqueline has some serious insider info about how Teresa is supposedly the main culprit behind the set-up. It went from "someone is being set-up" to Teresa is the person who set Melissa up and knew this was happening two weeks before the PSF. Interesting transgression, no? Did Jacqueline merely put the pieces together in her head OR was she being fed some information?

Teresa is still acting like everything is all peachy-keen, although I think deep in the recesses of her hairspray eaten brain she knows this is not going to end well, so she might as well do what she does best – put on a happy face, smile through her stress, and pretend none of it's happening! 

Now I am 100% positive this entire set-up was orchestrated by producers – the big question is which of the ladies went along with it. Obviously, Kim D, but there's some other seriously suspicious players here. Yes – Teresa, of course was suspicious. Jacqueline, perhaps. How involved were they?

Outside Melissa fills Kathy in and says Poison – with Richie who needs airtime perpetually – are on their way. Kathy says it doesn't matter if Melissa was a stripper – so long as Joey is Ok with it. Agreed. Melissa surmises that all the "negative things" in her life are coming from Teresa. Teresa wanders outside saying she wants to leave but decides she'll stay for a drink instead. 

Poison and Richie appear, itching for a fight. Some serious manboobs on Richie in his polo shirt! The entire cast, exempting Teresa, groups up to try and piece together what went on and assign blame. Joe wants to find the guy, while Caroline tries to calm him down. Weird.  

And then Jacqueline tells MelissaTeresa set you up. She claims she overheard Angelo talking, admitting to it. Did that happen? Melissa agrees that it all makes sense and tells Poison "Teresa set me up." Melissa is confused (me too) why would Teresa do it? Everyone is also upset about Pete, who is strangely at the center of everything as if he has some involvement Bravo is withholding from the viewers?

Poison walks up to another bald guy who is guarding the door. The guy says Angelo worked for him for "one day." #producersetup. Teresa races over to intervene trying to explain her perspective and how she is not responsible and tried to defend Melissa. Poison wants Angelo to come back. Teresa keeps saying she wants to deal with Angelo and Melissa informs her that she knows Teresa was responsible for the set up. And now The Teresa is getting angry, defensive – Teresa-y.

Teresa wants to discuss this with Melissa, but Melissa tells her to back off. "I don't like to talk in front of people," except all of the other Housewives of course. I love Housewives logic. 

Melissa feels that Kim D was primarily responsible but that Teresa knew everything and doesn't want to accept responsibility for her role in the set-up. 

Jacqueline explains to a still unwitting Poison that Teresa wanted everyone to hear that Melissa was as stripper. And inside Pete is hugging Tre, as they celebrate with a drink, and he tells her she did "such a good job." Why? I mean it could have been skewed editing, it could have been real-time. Doubtful. Teresa quips that her "conscience is clear. So if Melissa wants to blame it on me and ruin our family, it's on her." 

Then Kim D comes out and is forced to face the wrath of Poison. He's all fired up, Tarzan is poised for battle against Teresa's "butt-buddy" (are we 12?) and no scarecrow in a hair that turned from gold to straw is going to take him down. He accuses her of using coke and being responsible for the set-up. He calls her the "scum of the earth" but Kim is undeterred. She "plays with the big boys!" 

Meanwhile Teresa is inside acting as if everything is hunky-dory. Everyone else decides to leave. Kathy is confused about why Teresa wouldn't stop this from happening. Melissa tells Joey that Teresa is the person who set her up and he wants to tell Teresa off, but Kathy and Melissa usher him to the car. Melissa is done with this "trash party" and wants to go home. What a waste of a good outfit.  

Caroline is furious. Seething, she blows up about how Teresa was calculating how to hurt people and she is directing all her comments towards an emotionless, silent Jacqueline. Caroline and Lauren claim Teresa has told them that Melissa was a stripper. Look – I believe Teresa said that at one time. But all of this supposedly happened when the family was in a good place… 

Jacqueline approaches Poison's car and tells him that it was a set-up – and she has texts to prove it. She claims Teresa was standing next to Angelo when said he was going to "embarrass" Melissa. When did this happened? Did anyone see this? Poison is heart-broken, Melissa is done. 

And then speak of the devil – Teresa comes outside and approaches Jacqueline about her involvement. Teresa is furious that Jacqueline won't tell her who this so-called friend is. Then shit hits the fan… either Teresa has a realization or a breakdown. I can't tell. She surmises that perhaps SHE has been set-up and Jacqueline is involved. Interesting. 

WHO is this "mutual friend" of Jacqueline and Teresa's

Jacqueline denies any culpability; claiming it's all Teresa. She  is furious that anyone would think she is involved; she calls Teresa "disgusting" and "scum." Poison yells at Teresa outside the window of the car, accusing her of being involved. Teresa bustles over and tries to defend herself, claiming she wanted to verify what happened before confronting Angelo. Teresa repeatedly denies being involved, but Melissa is screaming at Teresa that she did it. The police escort Teresa away from the car and make the Poisons drive away. 

Melissa reveals why she thinks Teresa did it – to make people sympathize with her and make sure she has a reason for not liking Melissa. Everyone else leaves, but Teresa goes back inside to keep partying and hanging out. Melissa can't figure out why Teresa would continue to hang out with Kim D given what she did to her family. I totally agree – but I also can't figure out why Jacqueline and Caroline are hanging out with her still and no one seems to have a problem with that! 

Inside a random woman tells Teresa that Jacqueline was once a stripper too. Teresa looks shocked, disgusted, confused – I have a hard time reading her expressions. A fired up Teresa calls Jacqueline – her former best friend – a c-u-next-Tuesday. Those Juicys really like that word, don't they. 

And that's it. The end of a season. Well until the reunion. The 88 part reunion and the reason everyone hates Teresa. We learn no one has spoken to her since last year's reunion and no one will forgive her. 

So – here's what I think: I think the producers were responsible for all of it in a convoluted scheme to set-up some serious drama to promote the show. It worked. I think Teresa had some knowledge that Angelo and Kim D were planning to confront Melissa, I think she either suspected it really wouldn't happen or she changed her mind about being involved. I feel horrible that Melissa was caught in the middle of a massive scheme to create drama and was forced to face a possibly embarrassing and creul moment on film. And I believe Melissa that she wasn't a stripper. 

I also think Teresa was also a victim of a set-up. Either way – she should have warned Melissa. I think Kim D, working with producers – and other RHONJ hopefuls conspired to set everyone up. Either way this show has reached a low and intolerable point. They need to recast. We know Teresa will never be fired. Same with Melissa. SO – where do they go from here?

[Photo Credit: NBC Media]