Real Housewives of New York Recap: Toaster Shovin’


Last night was the season finale of Real Housewives of New York and as you well know by now Season Finale is a euphemism for fights, meltdowns, and histrionic antics. 

Yep, surreptitious nonsense was the mantra last night as the ladies desperately tried to out-rude each other and deny any infractions once caught. Ok, so not everyone was an outright embarrassment to humanity, but at least three people were! Lets here if for LuAnn de Lesseps – our countess of redemption. She actually behaved semi-classy and um, like, normal-ish last night. 

So Carole Radziwill, the le chillest Housewife ever is having some sort of charity ping pong party. Seriously – last night was just events cubed. It was events, events, events – and trips – that's all this whole season was. Which I guess is fine if that's how these women live their lives. It's certainly better than labor and delivery room footage, I suppose. 

Carole invited everyone and she's hoping her culottes, borrowed from Lee Radziwill's 1956 summer camp closet, will scare everyone into behaving. It sort of worked – either that or everyone collectively and separately likes Carole enough to keep it in check – at least temporarily. Aviva Drescher arrives with an agenda. And that agenda was to talk about herself at length and dominate all conversations with a litany of complaints about Pinot Singer


Meviva's newest issue with Pinot is that she threw her elderly father out of the charity event on the 90th floor. And it was totally unwarranted. He came in peace, like a beacon of goodness the color of chilled pinot, bearing gifts like one of the three wise men. He also came bearing Horny Goat Weed, a penis pump, and frothy disillusion that Carole had any interest in dating him. 

Look Meviva – we are all in agreement – Ramona is a hot mess of drunken narcissism and rude behavior. She should probably be placed on the island from Lost and left to fend for herself amongst disappearing aliens, magic boats, and ever-shifting time periods. Either that of leave her to her own devices in a wine factory. HOWEVER dominating every. single. social. occasion. to complain about her makes you equally crazy. So yeah, you don't want to be lumped into that category. 

Ping Pong happens. Sonja Morgan's pants were distracting me so much I forgot what else was going on. Everyone got along. Heather Thomson kicked some Singer butt when she was victorious over Avery. Heather thought it was all in fun, Pinot's eyes narrowed and she vowed to enact revenge. Poor Heather, she won the first ever Housewives ping pong tournament and all she got was this lousy Mario-produced trophy. Pinot Cooties, oh no! 

Truthfully this was a dreadfully cute event and everyone was dreadfully well behaved – even though Ramona was threatening to give Aviva either a third eye or a second butt hole with a ping pong ball.  I vote all Housewives from now on use ping pong tournaments to solve problems! No more reunions! 

After Heather won, Carole ushered Singer, Party of Pinot outside quickly to avoid any lingering that may result in problems. Smart cookie, that one. Unfortunately she forgot the other liability for crazy was Meviva, who stayed inside to accost Heather's poor, patient husband with laments of Pinot. 

Heather quickly swoops in and spells it out: 'Get away from my husband you loon. I know your's has had enough and is avoiding you until you seek mental help, but Jonathan does not deserve this. Furthermore if the ONLY thing you have to talk about is Ramona, this friendship is terminated. Now, let's discuss why we don't like Carole's coulottes or Sonja's leggings. And then we can discuss why I'm awesome.' Cause Heather deserves a big ol' holla-out for being awesome. 

The next day, Sonja – freed from unflattering jeggins – arrives in Heather's office for the big toaster oven box reveal. Now all she needs is a freakin' toaster oven. Waiting patiently… 

Heather and the Yummie Branding Coalition show Sonja the box demo they like – the one featuring the naked torso – and the one they think is less dynamic, the one featuring former Socialite Morgan lying in a ball gown toaster ovening.

Sonja clearly likes box B, because she still envisions herself as Mrs. Morgan, but Heather is right to capitalize on her modern image, which is cougar with a penchant for young pirates, crumb trays, and cornish game hens. Sonja seems to get that if she wants Heather to continue offering up free help, she better go with Box A. So she does, and after asking for additional photos to be emailed to her she's off. Heather is relieved.

That ball and chain is discarded. Now Heather just has to deal with Meviva's demands as she plans her charity fashion show for the Kellner Foundation. 

Oh poor Kellners, what did you do to deserve RHONY? 

Meviva shows up and she is full of complaints concerns and worries. She doesn't want to show too much skin and since all the ladies will be wearing lingerie, skin is a requirement. Aviva is nervous about her prosthesis being the focus of the show. Heather reassures her that flaws make a woman beautiful and she is proud of Aviva for overcoming despite her flaws. 

Heather ushers Aviva into a tap pants- style swimsuit and blazer and Aviva may be crazy, but she looks smokin' hot. Now we know why Reid puts up with her! 

On the night of the show everyone is backstage getting ready and Meviva is one drama after another. First of all she has serious concerns about wearing the jacket. She believes being so covered up on top will draw attention to her prosthesis. Heather refuses to put up with this and reminds her that all the models need to look symmetrical. I mean it's not like she's asking Aviva to wear a strap-on! I'm sure if Ramona were the model, she would. Except we know the catwalk is not Pinot's forte (See: S4). 

Then Meviva wants to wear her hair up, then she doesn't want to see Pinot backstage, then she doesn't want to wear the jacket. At the last minute, right before taking the stage she ditches the jacket without Heather's knowledge. If Meviva were a real model she'd be fired for her diva antics. 

Heather is annoyed, but because she is an adult woman she decides to let it go and focus on the success of the show and the money raised for the Kellner Foundation. 

I have to hand it to Heather – this is by-far the classiest fashion show a HW has ever had. And that is with the models wearing lingerie! 

Speaking of diva antics, Pinot and Sonja are defining the word rude. I imagine Ramona decided this was Heather's revenge for beating Queen Avery at ponging pings.

While the show is going on, they accost Heather's friend who also happens to be the photographer for Sonja's toaster oven nonsense. They both bustle up to him in their too-tight unsightly cocktail dresses, yelling in his face, demanding he give Sonja MORE free prints from the shoot. When he tries to pacify them by saying he's not sure if he has any but he'll look, they both literally launch on him, slobbering their pinot juices, and complaining that Sonja was promised those prints. 

Imagine if someone was acting like this at PINOT's charity event. I have one word "Security!" 

Then Ramona complains that the glass bearing her pinot isn't clean and fancy or special or amazing or made of diamonds mined by children missing limbs enough. She makes a disgusted face and then it's bottoms up. When you're an ass it's always bottoms up, I suppose.

Backstage, Pinoja strikes again. Tweedle Drunk and Tweedle Cum are loudly discussing how Heather apparently gipped Sonja out of photos that are rightfully her's since she paid for them and all. When Heather comes over to say hello, they immediately maul her with their demands, loud talking, and accusations. Heather – good lord I love this woman more by the second – tells them to shut it and get out because they are rude bitches who need to check themselves. 

Pinot actually has the AUDACITY to instruct Heather to wait until they finish complaining about her and then come back so they can tell her what's wrong with her again. Apparently Sonja is entitled to those photos and she starts arguing with Heather about it. Heather is just like whatever, go make like toast and burn. Meanwhile Pinot is grinning like a jackal behind Sonja's back. 

I wasn't aware that Heather was throwing an event for the Morgan Foundation, dedicated to supporting Sonja's needs, wants, and whims for free.

Pinot totters out slurring about how SHE donated the most money – thousands – and cases of pinot, like anyone wants that shill. We already know from Wine Olympics, it's schlock. Plus, I'm sure Ramona meant to donate 10 cases, but she drank nine of them and forgot, leaving only one for the charity. 

And like the night's empty pinot bottle, Heather bids Ramona "good riddance." 

After that debacle, Carole throws yet another party. This one is a "bookby shower" or a baby shower for her novel, A Widow's Guide To Sex & Dating. 

Per the requisite end of the season party, all the ladies will be attending. Oh, yay! Heather and Aviva arrive, followed by Team Pinoja. Ramona clearly suffering from a case of drunken mis-rememberings bustles over to Heather as if they're all sorts of St. Barths chummy still and the embarrassing display at the fashion show never occurred. If the pinot wasn't chilled already, it certainly was after the glares and side-eyes Heather was giving her! 

I, personally, don't think Heather can take anyone seriously that regularly wears figure skating costumes turned into cocktail dresses by adding an extra inch to the hem and ditching the nude boot covers. Maybe that's just me. And the same goes for a person wearing Maid Marion headbands like they're the in thing. They're not, Sonja – and much like "Fetch" won't ever happen, they also will not happen. 

Then shatter me like a frozen champagne bottle, Ramona admits her behavior the other night was inappropriate and rude. She apologizes. She explains that she feels Sonja is complaining to her about Heather, but then pretending everything is fine to Heather's face. 

Ramona admits she should mind her own pinot and stay out of other people's merlot, and there she was groveling away. Heather is like, 'No, bitch. Fool me once, shame on you; fool me ten times shame on these producers – and I am not taking the bait.' Ramona then starts to escalate, ranting about she just came from a funeral (hopefully she wasn't wearing that sequins on parade mother of the hooker bride in Vegas dress) and she's tired of being ganged up on and abused by friends. waaaah! 

She starts wailing about making love, not war and then she changes tact and tells Heather that Aviva has become "possessed." Aviva, of course, watching out of the corner of her eye the entire time, waiting for a chance to strike, immediately comes over and starts with the "You threw my eighty-year-old father out of the event." And he gave birth to her (miracle daddy!) and that's sort of a big deal. Look we get it, but take a xanax and stop embarrassing yourself – and absconding Carole's night with your histrionics. 

Would Mama June from Honey Boo Boo behave more or less White Trash than Ramona and Aviva?

Here's the thing: One) George did not attack (or rape! or steal from!) Ramona or violently grab her arm. That's the pinot and the violent narcissism talking. 2) Ramona could have, for once, been the bigger person and said: 'I hear what you're saying, George, but this is not the time to discuss it. Thank you for the donation and please have a nice time.' I'm pretty sure George would have left quickly anyway.

3) George should not have come – no matter what the reason – and Aviva should not have dispatched him to do her dirty work and face her fears. And hell, there's such a thing as snail mail for sending donations when one has a sudden, paralyzing phobia of heights preventing them from attending an event on the 90th floor. I still want to know what floor Aviva's apartment is located on? 

Anyway, Aviva and Ramona go round and round, screaming hysterically about who is right; George's violent exile and violent arm grab being debated and demonstrated at length. Both Carole and LuAnn agree with Aviva that no such abuse occurred and the the throwing out of a geriatric was petty and immature. Mario is briefly involved. His collar, borrowed from Simon Van Kempen, was a mistake. 

Carole is embarrassed. She wished there was ping pong as a distraction, but she quickly points out that they are acting inappropriately and enough is enough. 

Across the party, a clueless Sonja is attempting to be chummy with Heather as she too seems to conveniently forget the other night. Heather tells her she is entitled, rude, and that Ramona blamed Sonja for all the bad behavior.  She also says she is completely done with toaster ovens. The end. 

Heather realizes that narcissism is a disease and she certainly doesn't want to catch it, so she better blow this toaster oven before she turns to toast, too. 

So – was this party about Carole? Yeah, who?

Anyway, that's it! 

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