Last night on the Real Housewives of Miami reunion some serious grievances were aired. I mean grievances I didn't even know existed! Somewhere like a shot in the dark Ana Quincoces developed a case of the haters for Lea Black. Did I miss something here? Supposedly the tift originated from a blog Lea did snarking on Ana's kids. Whatever spurned this, it got nasty – not nasty nice – just straight up nasty. To me it reeked of eau de desperate to salvage a S3 contract!

Something about Ana speaking over people, speaking constantly for Marysol Patton, and suddenly developing a sneering distaste for everyone last night just didn't resonate well with me. I mean who died and made her Andy Cohen moderator of this reunion? Not Andy! I mean maybe she was over the BS all these women spout, but listen lady YOU signed up for reality TV and this is what RH of anywhere is. If you can't take the heat, maybe stop quooking. 

There's telling the truth and then there's being an ass. And what was that folder Ana was waving around that was swiftly snatched away in the editing portion of the show? Rumors speculate it was "proof" that Lea was up to some salacious behaviors prior to becoming the illustrious Mrs. Black. Other rumors speculate it exposed details of the Black's financials, including those pertaining to the The Black Gala that could discredit the event. 


If that is the case, seriously shame on Ana! A Bravo reunion is no place for that. If you have actual proof – take to court. And really, what is she trying to prove? That she's relevant enough to stick around for another season?

Before all that nonsense, things begin with the usual post season wrap-up. The best part was that Andy asked Fembot Fakenstein whether or not she minds being referred to as a "fembot." She doesn't! Lisa thinks it's "cute." And we think she's cute. 

Andy asks about Mama Elsa's plastic surgery and Marysol plays dumb, probably out of respect for her mom. Andy asks if Dr. Fakenstein could help fix Elsa's badly botched work and Lisa tactfully answers that she's not a doctor and Elsa's age may cause complications. Can we stop obsessing about Elsa's face? While beauty is indeed on the outside – especially in the land of HW – she's in her 80's. 

We also begin with a feud we've grown accustomed to: Adriana de Moura vs. Joanna Krupa. So, Joanna and Romain Zago have relationship issues, not sure if you've heard. They've broke up on TV, gotten re-engaged on TV, broken up in the tabloids, gotten re-engaged in the tabloids all of which leads Adriana to believe Joanna's relationship is all a leetle publicity stunt. And Joanna – an LA resident – is using Romain to stay on the show because otherwise she'd be shacking up in Lisa's place ala Marta

Joanna accuses Adriana of lying and she does the Housewives crying with no tears thing. How do they do this? Is it all the botox? Are they really made of ice that does not melt despite the serious exertion of arguing? Has all the alcohol frozen their tear ducts? Or are they just all the worst actresses in all the world? 

Apparently Romain and Joanna aren't doing enough sexytimes – Joanna credits it to Romain's less than hearty sexual appetite. Adriana says what we're all thinking: yeah to the right! "You think you're the only pussy in Miami? Oh please!" Adriana snaps. 

Which brings us to Marta. Andy wants to know if Joanna and Marta need some real-time therapy with Dr. Drew because dysfunction might as well be their last name. Adriana accuses Joanna of skinning Marta of her opinions and words, because she's the Hannibal Lector of bullies. 

Ana jumps in to say something I totally agree with: the term "bullying" pertaining to Housewives (as coined by Kelly Bensimon) is over-used and ridiculous. Bullying is a real problem in this country and should not be slapdashed on HW problems such as who is a tackier mess at what dinner party. 

Apparently the fact that Lea and Lisa have remained friends with both Joanna and Adriana in light of all the bitchslapping and bickering is a major problem. Joanna says Lisa is not being her friend because she condones Adriana attacking her on twitter. Wasn't Joanna just complaining that Adriana was so juvenile five seconds ago? 

Lea, for some odd reason, tears up as she tells Adriana that she is a beautiful person on the outside who is coming across as ugly on the inside. I agree. Adriana is smart. Very smart – and she's good at cutting through the BS, but she doesn't conduct herself with dignity. Letting her temper get the best of her makes her seem trashy. Lea says she cares about Adriana and will call her out and defend her when it's appropriate. I hope reality TV hasn't claimed yet ANOTHER real friendship. 

Andy asks Karent Sierra about Rodolfo. Dr. Teeth reveals that her relationship bit the dust and she starts tearing up about her dad's illness. It's discussed again and again about whether or not this relationship was fake. Do we care? Nope! Andy asks about Ana texting Rodolfo and she flips out calling him an embarrassment to men (true) and saying he's trying to be the "Mexican Slade." 

I think Rodolfo is just trying to be famous. I don't think he was interested in Ana OR Karent, but rather the Bravo cameras and he tried all avenues looking for a road to Oz. If he only had a brain – or a heart… 

Lea comments that she was appalled by the vicious bashing that she witnessed against Karent. Cue Ana firing up the hot pokers and jabbing at Lea. Telling her she was blowing sunshine up Karent's ass and Karent was drinking Lea's "Geritol flavored" kool-aid. Correct me if I'm wrong but I'm pretty sure Ana is 50 and Lea is like 56 or something? 

Look – I think both Ana and Lea had good points. It's clear that at some point Alexia Echevarria, Adriana, and Ana took judicious pleasure in trashing Karent and discrediting her. Sure, Karent is a massive famewhore – she's obviously so buddy-buddy with Joanna and Lea for a reason. 

On the other hand, I think Lea probably did make fun of Karent behind her back. But you know Karent sucked up something major and Lea loves being adored and revered. 

Lea wants Ana to "prove" that she has been trash talking Karent all season. They aren't close friend but she confronted Karent about how annoying she is, and they now get along. "Mean, petty, and nasty will never be the new relevant," Lea quips. Ana shoots back stating Lea isn't even relevant at home. I'm not sure what she was implying, but just no. Thug in a cocktail dress, anyone?

Lea flips out and accuses Ana of failing even in divorce since her hubby has cleaaaarly moved on about a decade ago while Ana is still bawling over no longer sharing a fax machine. Lea advises Ana to go back to closing her real estate deals, implying that her legal practice wasn't so hot. 

Andy wonders if Lea is a behind the scenes shit stirrer who tries to stay above the fray. Of course she is! Lisa admits Lea has offended her and tactfully points out that Lea has a "mean-spirited" sense of humor. Lea reluctantly kinda agrees. 

Ana starts ranting about how Lea's life is a "vanity project" and no one had heard of her before this show. Ana accuses Lea of acting like she's self-made when she used to peddle cold creams from the back of her Pinto in Texas. Lea stands up to lecture Ana like a revivalist preacher about how she doesn't know her, shuffling forward until Andy tells Lea to sit down. Lea drops dramatically onto the sofa. No diamonds were injured during the course of this dramatic filming. 

Andy addresses the Marysol vs. Lea issue. It goes back and forth about whether or not Marysol destroyed the gala or Lea destroyed Marysol's reputation and whom trashed whom. Marysol claims Lea never confronted her about the issues, Lea claims differently. 

Marysol becomes emotional – and cries legit tears (interestingly only Lea and Marysol cried REAL tears last night!) – about how Lea trashing her company on camera affects her reputation and the livelihood of the people she employs. I agree. Lea claims she was just holding Marysol accountable on camera and off. 

Meanwhile the folder of death? Of lawsuits? Of slander? What?! Keeps reappearing and disappearing as if to prove how sloppy and crappy the editing job is here. 

Andy asks about the comments Lea made about the greencard marriage hurt her and Marysol openly admits it did. Folder sighting!

Andy gets bored and silences the Marysol/Lea bickering. Ana chimes in that it's "minutia" which prompts a hurt Marysol to snap that her business is at stake. Ana, once again blames Lea. She refers to Marysol as a "poor girl" who is being assaulted by Lea. Marysol is offended. I wonder if these two are also having problems. And if Ana is such a friend to Marysol she would care about the success of her company beyond just taking down Lea! 

Lea believes if it weren't for Ana she and Marysol would be friends again. Marysol says one never knows what the universe holds, so perhaps. There goes the folder again… 

Ana calls Lea a fraud and accuses her of misrepresenting herself. On the other sofa, musings go back and forth about how "nasty" Ana is. Adriana is asked if she is on Lea's payroll since she never says anything bad about her. Adriana says she's loyal to Lea who has helped her and been a friend for 7-years. Adriana answered really honestly in my opinion. 

Adriana is "astonished" by what is happening between Ana and Lea. Ana says her reason for going after Lea is because she wants to expose who Lea really is. Apparently the real Lea is just an older woman from Texas who owes everything to the rich men in her life. Ana shrieks that Lea did her best work on her back. We're resorting to age slamming and slut shaming now? 

Ana seems to think she's better than Lea because her immigrant parents put her through college and law school. Also she raised two incredible daughters "who are not socially awkward." Um… really? Real classy, Adriana, errr, I mean Joanna – oh whoops Ana. From her behavior I was confused.

It sounds to me that Ana resents Lea for marrying well. Even if Lea did do her best work on her back and schlock crap from a Pinto – so what! Isn't it the American dream to come from nothing and end up a Real Housewife? 

Lea calls Ana's comments a "character assignation" and recommends Ana work on her own life. Lea threatens to expose the truth about Ana if she keeps spreading lies about her. This is a mess… what really happened here? Was anyone else hoping Lea would stand up and yell: "I run with the big boys!" #KimDMoments

Is Ana defending Marysol for a storyline? Is she using Lea for camera time or what is really happening here? 

Andy breaks up the tension by giving Adriana a "Beat Me To The Tweet" t-shirt and then we cover Joanna's alleged drinking problem. I say alleged because Joanna is the only person who seems unaware that it exists. Joanna readily admits that all the people who love her tell her to put down the booze, but she doesn't because she really, really likes embarrassing herself on national TV and doing things she regrets. Ahahaha! 

Getting back to normalcy Adriana and Joanna argue over who is more psycho and evil. Apparently Adriana is evil when sober and Andy whips out some footage to illustrate such point. Adriana admits her mouth does get her in trouble. Then she and Joanna start scratching at each other verbally over how stupid Joanna is. 

Adriana and Joanna have a prolonged argument about the racists and insensitive comments they each made about Poland and Brazil. Adriana apologizes and says she was repeating what Joe Francis said about Joanna's early famewhore aspirations. Joanna blames Romain for the "slums of Rio" comment. Adriana says Joanna and Romain are racist and the hardworking moms in the slums of Rio are still better than Joanna opening her legs to get success. Perhaps Joanna and Lea have something in common. 

Joanna is wearing red so Adriana labels her the devil. Oh, whoops – wrong reunion! And finally the boobs and bitchslap blow-out is relived. Long live the broom which was my favorite RHOM extra this season! Joanna wished Adriana had flown away on said broom.

Adriana claims Joanna provoked her with name calling and stalking which is why she smacked her. Adriana reminds us that Joanna accused her of speaking Spanglish. And in Spanglish Joanna's name is actually "Hoanna" Which is quite fitting, just ask Joe Francis

Joanna tells Adriana she is "begging to be served." Real mature, Joanna! Yikes! These girls are vicious. And we're out. Can you believe Lea was brazen enough to wear $25M worth of diamonds to a RHOM reunion around those dangerous broads? 

Next week: Mama Elsa appears and sets everyone straight. Alexia and Karent get into it and Lea and Anasol go at it some more. 

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