Southern Charm Recap: You Are NOT The Father!

southern charm

Forget about a segue for last night's Southern Charm…let's just get started with the pregnancy drama, shall we? We pick up where we left off last week as a wasted Thomas Ravenel walks a sloppy Kathryn Dennis down Broad Street for more boozing. They flirt like middle schoolers as to whether they should purchase a pregnancy test. T-Rav questions whether Shep Rose could be the father, but Kathryn slurs that he was just a fling and goes in for the make-out. Thomas grabs ass before they head to the Rite-Aid for an EPT. I'm sure that the cab driver thinks he's being punked by Taxicab Confessions.

Back at his house, Thomas and Kathryn are plagued with test errors, which are actually more user error. A pouty Kathryn can't believe that T-Rav would be so irresponsible as to put her in a position to be pregnant (really girl?), but she gets more upset when he assures her that they may be in the clear. So, does she not want to be preggers or is this her dream? Thomas promises his entire family fortune to this potential unborn child.


Patricia and son Whitney Sudler-Smith are heading to a luncheon at the Gibbes where ol' Patty has gifted a painting. Her late husband was one of the top art collectors in the country. Whitney isn't keen on the boring museum scene with their sweet tea and paintings. Patricia couldn't be more passive aggressive about her son's choices, and I have to laugh when she says she didn't send him to Oxford and the Sorbonne to bus tables. She finds his aspirations of opening a restaurant pedestrian and banal. Pat just described my life in a nutshell. She's like Julia Sugarbaker on crack…or opium. 

Convicted felon status aside, T-Rav considers himself to be a nice person. In the light of day, he's still bringing his spend the night guest a cup of coffee like the gentleman he is. Sober, the pair is awkward around one another, and T-Rav sees Kathryn home before going to tell Shep that he's known of his one-night stand with Kathryn. A very hungover Shep tries to comprehend everything that T-Rav is saying. He's confused as he used protection with Kathryn. Shep finds the entire situation kind of odd to be chatting about before noon. Thomas is determined to find out if who the father is…if Kathryn isn't just scrounging for attention. 

Instead of going home to shower and change, Kathryn takes a detour to her grandmother's house. While dear ol' granny doesn't find the thirty year age difference between her granddaughter and T-Rav to be anything negative, she does warn Kathryn that her life will be turned upside with the arrival of a baby. Kathryn admits that she has a crush on Thomas, and she's worried that their relationship may not continue if they don't have a baby to tie them together. Isn't that just how the best relationships begin? 

Cameran Eubanks is helping Shep pick out a tuxedo for J.D.'s Carolina Day party. If one of my professors from law school actually had cable and could watch this show, he'd be nauseous over the fact that Cameran doesn't have a clue as to the history behind Carolina Day. He has a cookout every year on June 28 to commemorate the Patriots' victory over the British Royal Navy during the Battle of Sullivan's Island in 1776. While he tries on suits, Shep shares his visit from Thomas, and he finds the entire situation tawdry. He finds it so uncouth to discuss Thomas' sexual conquests, and Cameran admits, that as an almost thirty-year-old, it makes her skin crawl to think of bedding someone T-Rav's age. 

Whitney goes to visit Jenna King and apologizes for his personal assistant's behavior for questioning her finances. Whitney admits that many people wonder how a cheerleader from Sumter wound up dripping in diamonds and Louboutins. We're treated to a montage of Jenna and her older suitor Lou who is fifty-five and lives in New York City. He's cultured. He's rich. He appreciates the fact that Jenna never neglect the balls. After the entire pregnancy debacle, Shep is starting to question his decisions. He's always so impulsive, and he's hoping that he didn't ruin a good thing with M.J. by fooling around with Kathryn. The pair grabs some lattes (curses on her not ordering alcohol!), and Shep tries to pin her down for concrete plans. Not to be cheesy, but he loves M.J.'s hair when it's naturally curly. The more aloof M.J. plays, the more hyper and dorky Shep becomes. It's painful and charming at the same time, but this chick isn't biting. I need her mojo

Lounging poolside with Whitney, T-Rav is word vomiting about Kathryn's late period. Seriously, how many times do I have to hear some middle aged man talk about a twenty-one-year-old's menstruation? Whitney tells him what everyone else is thinking…Thomas looks weird, gross and pervy dating these young girls. Speaking of weird and gross, Jenna is having a spa day with a friend who knows why older, worldly men compete for Jenna's affections. She has a crystal meth vagina, and once they get a taste, they're hooked. Jenna cackles at the comparison. Um, ew? 

Jenna and Cameran are playing dress-up while trying to style themselves for the Carolina Day party. Jenna plans to wear a latex dress. Nothing says Old South like dressing like Gaga. All of her Louboutins are on display, and it's comical to see Cameran try to walk in a pair. The girls gossip about Kathryn's pregnancy scare, and Jenna isn't convinced that it's on the up and up. Cameran assumes that if T-Rav is stupid enough to have unprotected sex with a twenty-one-year-old, he could be fall victim to some kind of scheming. Down the block, Craig Cononver and Shep are putting around the yard. They are finally on good terms now that they've put the Kathryn situation behind him. As Shep whines about M.J., Craig reveals that M.J. has a super serious long-distance boyfriend. Shep dramatically ponders "why me?" What does this guy from Ohio have that he doesn't have? A job, ambition, a future, a less cheesy smile, the ability not to sleep with every hussy who crosses his path…Craig happily lists this stranger's pros in his talking head. 

T-Rav is accompanying Kathryn on her doctor's visit. Listening to her talk about her fairy tale future with a baby, she legitimately sounds like one of the high schoolers on 16 and Pregnant. Thomas feels like scandal just follows him everywhere. The doctor arrives to break the news that T-Rav IS NOT the father…because Kathryn isn't pregnant. Thomas can't conceal his joy, but Kathryn is visibly disappointed. Margaritas for everyone, T-Rav announces as he tap dances through the parking lot. Over drinks, Thomas tells Kathryn that he thinks their pregnancy scare brought them closer together. Her poise and vulnerability has totally won his heart. I think I just threw up a little in my mouth. He invites her to join him at the Carolina Day party as his girlfriend. I need him to pull out an intricately folded piece of notebook paper with a "yes" box for her to check. They head back to his house with grand plans to cook breakfast together the following morning. 


[Photo Credit: Bravo]