I really can't figure out what's going on with Real Housewives of New York anymore. I mean it's pretty much a bungled mess over there.
My personal opinion is that waiting too long (over a year) between seasons leaves viewers uninvested in storylines and confused. I mean we don't even remember why Aviva Drescher started hating Ramona Singer or when LuAnn de Lesseps became besties with Heather Thomson. Or when Sonja Morgan last wore underpants. It's just too frazzled. It's like trying to decipher the product names in an iKea catalog. While it's all kindsa topsy-turvy drama, it all revolves around Meviva – just the way she likes it!
Aviva is one of those women who is validated by attention – any attention – which is why she keeps confabulating drama that centers around sheer ridiculous-ness. She seemingly doesn't care how idiotic she looks so long as she's being focused upon and talked about. And God bless the crazy train of her thoughts because it's working!
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So last night Ramona returned from Africa where she got some action by proxy when she got to observe a little lion porn. Ramona had never seen sex, given that when she and Mario do it, it's lights off and under the covers, but this was just straight up "Wham, Bam, Thank you, ma'am!" Yes – Ramona showed up at Heather's charity jewelry party and after Heather welcomes her with a huge hug, Ramona launches into this story about mating practices of giant cats. LuAnn had milled over to say hello, wrinkles her nose at Ramona's lewd descriptors, and sauntered away disgusted.
Across the party Carole Radziwill was talking to Kristen Taekman and her husband Josh about "blow job contracts". Apparently Josh wants six per week and claims Kristen agreed to this before she was married, but now she's not holding up her end of the bargain. Kristen argues that Josh never put it in writing. Aaaahhh… these two.
LuAnn was cornered from all sides by lewd and inappropriate conversations. Time for her to pull out a copy of Class With The Countess and start reading. Chapter 3683: Appropriate Conversation Topics While Wearing Cocktail Attire and Attending Philanthropic Jewelry Parties Filmed For Reality TV: How To Keep The Drama Flowing But PG.
Heather and Ramona obvious listened because talk of lion sex was abandoned and talk of Aviva abandonment began. Heather disinvited Aviva from the jewelry show nor did she extend an invite to her upcoming 10th anniversary party. Ramona thinks Heather should forget drama and forgive. While Ramona was enjoying a sanguine trip, connecting with her turtle kin in the wild, the ladies were fighting like wildebeests. She must intervene. She meditated, gurgled some wine and the Dahli Pinot decided she would become the Housewives Whisper-er (watch it Andy Cohen!) and create peace.
The next day Ramona, Sonja, and Aviva go to Ikea because Sonja needs storage solutions for her multi-million dollar townhouse and Ramona's daughter needs stuff for her dorm room. Seriously – when did these three become such close friends? TWO EPISODES ago Ramona was discussing how she could never forgive Aviva and now she's sharing a plate of Swedish meatballs with her and discussing lingonberry jam over $19.99 collapsable shelves. Mmmmm… kay.
Aviva recaps the fight with Heather which includes loudly recounting all the swearwords and ending with a dramatic flourish of "And you don't hate me? And you don't hate me, right?!" while Ramonja nod silently, wide-eyed, and groping for the wine flasks in Ramona's Ikea shopping tote. Ramona takes a meditation break in the strojkipanda emporium to re-center herself and decides to call Heather right then and there to demand a peace treaty.
Heather is in the middle of a photoshoot with Kristen and Carole. She's confused about why Ramona lacks empathy for their Aviva issues given her own experiences. And then Ramona calls and muscles Heather into getting a drink to work things out with Aviva. She has them both on speaker phone like this is 8th grade. Aviva, woe is her, reluctantly consents to go even though she's "afraid" of Heather after her terrible attack. Avicious is such a victim. She says such horrible things about all the ladies then tells Heather she's afraid of her.
Avicious and Heather meet and Aviva instantly starts with all these rules Heather has to follow before entering into a discussion with her. Aviva demands no cursing (Heather refuses) then she launches into a description of how Heather "verbally raped" her and she was forced to "take it up the butt". The histrionics continue like this. A: Do you know what you've done to me?! Do you?! DO YOU?! H: No… A: Do you want to know?! DO YOU? DO YOU??? H: Ummm… yes, tell me. A: Do you understand what you've done?! You don't understand, do you? But do you want to know? H: YES – tell me! And stop being so mother-f–king dramatic. A: Stop name calling. You're mean; you verbal rapist.
Aviva keeps talking in circles, hoping Heather will get tired and just apologize. But Heather does Spartan Races – she is indefatigable. She tells Aviva she doesn't like her that much. Aviva launches into an accusation that Heather is defending Carole because they're lovers. Heather explains that Aviva does not respect people's careers because she hasn't had one. Aviva claims Heather is offending stay at home mothers. "Don't take a page out of Carole's book" she warns. Maybe Carole is ghostwriting Heather's insults now.
Look the bottom line is Heather saw how Aviva treated Ramona and Sonja, then Carole, and realized this is how Aviva rolls so she wants no part of it. Aviva is just annoyed Heather is on to her.
Heather wants to know why Aviva was so hurt by Carole and Aviva launches into some creepy – and I mean bizarre – analogy about how if she had a baby and someone asked her if she had a vaginal delivery or a c-section that would be sooooo insulting. This bonkers analogy featured facial expressions reminding me of Whatever Happened To Baby Jane and animated voices. It made zero sense. Aviva did not use a ghostwriter to fabricate that analogy. The ladies make a tepid peace and Heather decides she'll invite Aviva to her anniversary party if Jonathan is OK with it.
The next day Jonathan has a caviar tasting with Carole and Kristen because Heather loves caviar and it's her aphrodisiac. He wants to get her some for an anniversary party. Jon jokes (or was serious?) that Heather promised him a three-way for their ten-year, but has now reneged. Kristen is not down with three-ways, but it sounds like Kristen's just not down with sex – or more concisely, sex with Josh.
Kristen and Carole go out to lunch where they meet up with RHOBH fan favorites stars Yolanda Foster and Brandi Glanville. It turns out Carole has been friends with Yolanda for years because she knew David and desperately wanted to date him (yes, David of the dad jeans and elevator music), but Yolanda got to him first. That's a blessing in disguise, Carole!
Brandi launches into a story about the time Kristen almost left Josh for an Elvis impersonator she met at her Vegas bachelorette party. So strong is her love for Elvis that she became smitten with replica, kissed him (with or without tongue is debatable) and considered leaving with him for "the ranch". Kristen wistfully imagines her life as a backup singer in an Elvis review. Cute story, but… about Kristen. She's fun and quirky, but something about her seems so unhappy. She seems floundering and in a marriage that does not fullfil her.
Since having kids Kristen and Josh basically don't have sex. She won't have sex while pregnant, doesn't want to go back on the pill and he won't get a vasectomy, so she's been holding out… and out… and out… and basically withholding sex out of spite. Carole suggests oral but Kristen needs at least two glasses of wine for that. "Blowies – they don't call it a job for nothing… Ugh," quips Carole. Amen, sister, Amen. Brandi and Yo depart and were not missed.
Now, back to Aviva. She receives a text from Heather explaining that after all their issues it's too soon for her to come to Heather's anniversary party. It makes sense – it's an intimate party, filled with close friends (and Bravo cams) and Heather wants it to remain drama-free. Of course, Aviva is pissed.
Aviva shares the news with Ramonja and they decide to boycott on principal because Heather is so rude and petty. Despite RSVP'ing yes neither one of them plans to show up! If Ramonja think Heather is being petty, why are they stooping to her level by bailing on the party!? Also, when did these two become so in love with Meviva? Sonja is really somethin' desperate to get some Dubin in her Toaster Oven, isn't she…
Kristen and Josh get into a huge argument on the way to the party. Kristen barges in and informs Heather that she's getting a divorce. Carole suggests couples counseling and Kristen reveals she's been seeing someone secretly and hauled Josh there once but pretended she'd never met with the doctor before. Carole is shocked. "Bickering is under-rated, but dishonesty is a betrayal," Carole comments. Indeed. Can we just call this Kristen and Josh: Marriage Doomed? I think Cohen et al can make a spinoff out of this…
LuAnn is dispatched to be the emissary of bad news to Heather that Ramonja will not appear. But LuAnn doesn't particularly want to ruin a bad time with top-shelf booze and seems to recognize that some things are more sacred than a reality show storyline. So when Heather enquires about the whereabouts of the Turtle Timers, LuAnn explains they've opted not to come out of loyalty to Aviva. I like the relaxed LuAnn who is friends with Heather and Carole.
Heather is outraged. Of all the reasons to skip a party. Of all the false-loyalties. After all the things Aviva said about Ramonja, calling them White Trash alcoholics and comparing Sonja to Anna Nicole Smith. Heather seethes that she should have trusted her gut when it comes to Ramona – whom she never liked – and look at how she stirs the pot time and time again. "It's that Singer Stinger," she snaps. It is indeed. Perhaps Ramona spent time observing the practices of killer bees in Africa?
In the end Heather decides she doesn't care about those peripheral people and wants to focus on those who matter. Jon presents her with caviar and they are clearly in love. Everyone dances, including Carole and Jacques who make a fetching pair. Then Carole, Kristen and Josh dance together. Kristen looks over at Josh, then Carole, then the great wide NYC skyline. She lets her arm fall from Josh's waist, glances over at Carole and says, "You can have him," before sidling away, wondering where The King went.
[Photo Credits: BravoTV.com]
TELL US – WAS HEATHER WRONG TO UNINVITE AVIVA? WHAT'S UP WITH KRISTEN AND JOSH'S MARRIAGE?
