Real Housewives of New York Recap: The Pinot Witch Project

Ramona Vs. Kristen

Last night the fallout in the Berkshires continued! One might think if you, you know accidentally had a "knee jerk" reaction and threw a glass object at someone's face thus cutting them in the process, one might feel compelled to apologize. You know, sincerely.

One might assume since you just injured someone over the fact that they got your hair wet – hair that didn't look good to begin with and looked no worse after the horrific splashing that caused you to lash out and so aggressively you flung not only a glass object, but a boat oar at their face – you would feel some modicum of remorse. But alas, I presume none of us are Ramona Singer. So, yeah – logic does not apply. So that's what happened on last night's Real Housewives of New York.

After Ramona caused all this damage she faked a panic attack, lied, and got the hell out of dodge. You know what the most hysterical part in all of this is – Ramona is still trying to convince people she's classy. Oh girl… I think there's a whole chapter in Class With The Countess dedicated to you and explaining what it is you do that's not classy. 


Moving on… after Ramona flees the lake in the wake of injuring Kristen Taekman, she continues to rampage about how it's all Kristen's fault because she got her hair wet. Back at Heather Thomson's deluxe garage for finely made European cars, Ramona confides in both her AC unit and Sonja Morgan about how Kristen GOT HER HAIR WET which incited a rage in her not felt since her childhood. The last time she threw something was thirty years ago and it was at her father. Since that fateful days she's never come near a tree again. Ramona compares Kristen to her father claiming her splashing provoked her. Sonja bursts into tears and reminds Ramona how far down the pinot bottle she has come and that she can't let Kristen destroy her. "You are not your father," Sonja shriek-sobs."Don't you go there Singer!" Sonja continues encourage Ramona by telling her that Kristen was trying to get a reaction out of her. Um… no. 

Heather, listening from a distance, is perturbed. What pray-tell is this absolute lunacy happening in the next room? Why is Bravo not providing security on these trips? Luckily Heather's control top panties double as straight jackets! She decides to try and redirect the weekend by telling Ramona she owes Kristen an apology. Ramona however is stuck on turtle time and keeps complaining that Kristen ruined her blowout. 

Kristen Split Lip

On the other side of the world's fanciest garage, Kristen has heard Ramona was white trash and she's starting to believe her sources. Hey – Avicious got something right! 

As Kristen is icing her lip, Ramona tells her that she's sort of sorry, she guesses for throwing something at her, but Kristen got her hair wet, so… "This is an apology?" Kristen snaps. BAM! I like this Kristen. And that sets Ramona off all over again. Ramona feels she was justified in "reacting" because Kristen ruined her hair and threw something at her. "You got my hair wet!" she keeps yelling.

"What is the deal with her hair," a google-eyed shocked Kristen wonders. I agree. I mean let's be frank – Ramona's hair ain't nothing to brag about. It always looks a frizzy hot mess. It takes a lot of money to look that cheap! 

Elvis Comes To Dinner On RHONY

Heather breaks things up with dinner. But, to add insult to injury, Ramona has brought bottles of Ramona Pinot to shove down everyone's throat. Well at the very least empty wine bottles make good weapons … just in case! Which is a good thing because through the dark night a mysterious car arrives. I was thinking it was a surprise Aviva Drescher arrival – just in case this horror story of a trip wasn't scary enough – but instead it was the local Elvis impersonator! Kristen is ecstatic, but Ramona is sour-faced. Since Kristen ruined her hair she has to meet faux Elvis – the only celebrity for miles and miles – with bad hair! That damn Kristen and her splashing!

The next morning things are still awkward over breakfast – not improved, I presume, by Sonja prancing around in a see-thru leopard-print negligee and thong. #ThingsIDontNeedToSeeOnBravo Ramona is outraged that Kristen refused to accept her apology – I mean the apology she doesn't even feel Kristen deserves since she started it by provoking her with splashing. 

Ramona scurries away to make a top-secret phone call begging her friend Andy, who owns a Cessna, to pick her up. Carole Radziwill catches her in the act of packing. Ramona claims she's just organizing her clothes, but Carole thinks she's up to something. The ladies go for a hike in the woods. Carole is dressed like she thinks they're going to be shooting an Anthropologie catalog, but instead Carole gets to quell the crazytrain that is Pinot on a tangent in the woods. I hope Carole smuggled a taser in those cowboy boots!

Ramona Melts Down In The Woods

Ramona starts to spazz out about how the woods remind her of her childhood and a patch of forest reminds her of where she played 'house' by herself, making mud pies and using stumps as sofas. Ramona reenacts and starts to cry about how she needs to get out of her. Carole is looking afraid. Carole is looking like this is going to become a Steven King novel at any moment. "Let's go find the rest of the group," she suggests, squeezing the mace in her pocket and using tactics gained working in war-zones for ABC News. 

Ramona tells Heather she is too upset reliving her childhood and needs to leave immediately. She asks Carole to drive her to the airport and off she goes. Carole is confused. When she drops Ramona off at the plane it dawns on her that this has all been pre-arranged and Ramona lied to all of them. She wasn't having a breakdown, she was using it as an excuse to leave. And it worked! Temporarily… 

Back in the woods, Kristen is frustrated that Ramona is still making excuses, but Sonja starts shriek-ranting again about how Ramona's abusive childhood has left her scared – like the time she saw her mother's head in a toilet. Wait – are we sure Sonja isn't confusing this with the time she saw Ramona puking drunk with her head in the toilet?

Sonja feels Kristen is insensitive and lacks empathy for Ramona's traumatic childhood. And not only that, Kristen provoked Ramona. LuAnn de Lesseps pipes in to remind us that A) "provoked" is a verb, not an adjective. B) Ramona is insane and needs therapy but won't ever get it because she thinks she's fine, which therein lies the problem – because Ramona's behavior is neither fine nor acceptable and should not be excused. 

The ladies then go swimming, where *gasp* – they got their hair wet! Then they spend the day on a pontoon boat having fun because the drama cloud has lifted when Ramona flew into the now not-so-friendly skies! 

RHONY Boating In The Berkshires

On the boat Sonja practically masturbates on the 20-year-old boat captain Austin who is currently filing a sexual harassment suit against Bravo because Sonja was making such untoward advances. Everyone is grossed out because well, he's barely legal and was clearly not into being flirted with by Sexy J, despite her insistence that everyone wants a Mrs. Robinson in their life (they don't). 

Kristen complains to Carole that Ramona has it out for her even though she never bothered to get to know her. Kristen is annoyed that Ramona is calling her "just a pretty face". Maybe because Kristen's tag-line is all about how she's not smart, but she's preeeettty? I'm sure it's meant to be irony – possibly even directed at Ramona – but I think Kristen needs to just let it go and have fun. It looks like Carole agrees. Despite all of this, the ladies have a blast together and are really cute. Things really are fun and drama-free without Ramona and Aviva. Giv'em the ax, Andy!

Kristen is still shaken up, however, and calls Josh to relive the time she fell down the white trash rabbit hole and woke up on the set of a Jerry Springer set albeit with more expensive shoes. Josh is unsurprised that Singer flipped the crazy switch. 

Ramona Gets Caught In A Lie

And boy did she, because that night at dinner LuAnn gets a text from a friend that Ramona is at Molly Sims' party in the Hamptons. And there is photographic proof! Everyone is horrified by Ramona's rudeness and her ability to lie. LuAnn isn't surprised, however, she knows how Singer rolls and proposes an intervention to call Ramona out on her bad behavior. Poor Sonja however is shocked that Ramona lied to her so seamlessly. And not only that, that she ditched her bestie to a sub-par no celeb location with so few eligible men. Sonja never thought of herself as Ramona's hanger-on, but… 

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