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 five wives

On last night’s My Five Wives, the Williams family looks at relocating to Seattle, Nonie has big news, and an unlikely hero takes shape in the form of Nonie’s eldest child, Paul, who actually calls the entire family out on their questionable lifestyle choices.

The family is still in Seattle visiting Brady’s parents, one of whom is sane, one of whom is not. More to come on that later. Brady’s been talking to some realtors about possibly relocating everyone to Washington. Their current polygamist community in Utah has shut them out since they’ve left the faith. The wives wonder if there’s a realtor alive who can find a property to match their – um – unique needs.

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Grandma Stella wants to throw Karlie (Paulie’s pregnant daughter) a baby shower. Paulie also discusses her tension with Rosemary. Stella has been there, done that with her own sister wives, so she understands the girl-on-girl tension that polygamy brings.

Brady hobbles around (still on crutches) kissing each of his wives goodnight when – uh oh! – Nonie tells him she’s pregnant. Bring on child number 25, yo! Nonie is relieved and excited. Brady sort of seems like he is, but really, how excited can you get at number 25? I don’t know. Nonie wants to tell everyone right away to gloat.

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Rosemary loves Grandma Stella and reminisces about their first meeting, when Stella basically fixed her up with Brady after he’d already married a couple of women. WHAT!? #polygamistmompimp Stella talks with Rosemary about her beef with Paulie and encourages her to mend fences. “The plural lifestyle is challenging,” says Stella. That’s the understatement of the year. Rosemary looks and seems genuinely miserable 99 percent of the time, so I wonder why she’s so thankful to Stella for roping her in to this mess to begin with…?

The wives take their 2 dozen kids to the beach in the freezing cold to…swim in sweatshirts. Oh, those quirky polygamists! Brady turns the whole beach day thing into a baptism thing by lining the kids up to literally baptize them in the ocean. If this family is looking to limit public scorn, social ridicule, or at the very least, a curious side-eye, they’re not doing themselves any favors by performing large-group, self-appointed polygamist baptisms at the local beach.

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Here comes the property search! House #1 looks like Leonardo DiCaprio’s plantation in Django Unchained. The house is huge but requires them to all live together in one structure rather than in the separate row-house style to which they’ve become accustomed. Brady can bed-hop without even unlocking an extra door! Gross. House #2 is smaller, but has the potential for building additions. House #3 is not a house, just a lot. Brady can build his dream home with the 2 bucks in his checking account pre-bankruptcy filing. The wives are not into the idea of all living in one single house, but like the idea of building their own compound. This poor realtor is being taken for a ride, regardless of their likes and dislikes. Paulie is the most hesitant to move to Seattle because Karlie is having her first child back in Utah.

Ah, here comes the big reveal: Nonie tells the group she’s pregnant. The women all seem excited, some more than others…Rhonda being genuinely thrilled and Robyn putting on a fake-ish & not very convincing happy face.

Grandpa Rob has a “heart to heart” with Brady about his company – which Brady is delusional about – and the tension between Rosemary and Paulie. Grandpa Rob asks Brady if he’s being a good “arbitrator.” Arbitrator: (noun) a person chosen to decide a dispute or settle differences. Brady has no idea what this word means, so shrugs his shoulders in response and claims the women will just work it out whenever. Rob also brings up the ring that Robyn got angry about and references his own experiences losing one of his wives. He didn’t see it coming, Rob notes. Perhaps he was too busy with his other multiple wives or his Bigfoot hunts or his teepee building. But whatever. He just doesn’t want to see Brady’s harem depleted to a measly 4 or 3 wives before it’s too late.

The entire clan goes whale watching and the experience is actually very cool. The kids love it and seem much more enthused about this activity than their forced teepee building and/or Sasquatch marches of days past.

Karlie’s surprise baby shower takes place out in the yard and the attendees give her new-mom tips like, “when changing the baby, make sure his wiener points downward.” #realbutcreepy The group plays games, makes onesies, and Stella makes a big speech about the importance of family. Meanwhile, the boys are all on the slip-n-slide in another part of the yard, presumably taking care of their own wieners.

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Nonie and Brady sit their 4 kids down to let them know another baby is on the way. Nonie’s 15-year old son, Paul, says he specifically asked his mom not to have another baby & is clearly upset by the news. All of the kids look bummed out, actually. Paul says Nonie’s been brainwashed by the group & by the other wives to just keep piling on more kids each year. WOW. Preach, Paul, PREACH! Paul does not want to practice polygamy nor does he want to have 25 kids when he grows up. Brady chalks up Paul’s negative reaction to Paul “just being a teenager” and says that “he’ll just have to get over it.” And there you have it. Brady’s poor handling of his son’s emotional response has been brought to you by the letter “D” for “DELUSIONAL” and “DOGMA.” Paul says that he’s got 3 more years of high school, then he’s outta there. Run, Paul, Ruuuuuuuuuuuun!

Nonie and Brady announce their news to the entire clan around the campfire that night. Grandpa Rob boasts that he’ll soon be the proud owner grandparent of 48 grandkids, while Karlie complains that the very short focus on her own baby has now been stolen by Nonie. Just for clarity: Nonie’s child will be Karlie’s child’s aunt…and Karlie’s sister. But since no legal marriage actually exists between Brady and Nonie, while Karlie’s mom – Paulieis legally married to Brady, none of this hullabaloo actually matters ONE IOTA. Except that they’ve all been trained to believe that, well, it does matter. All except Paul, that is.

TELL US – DID NONIE STEAL KARLIE’S THUNDER?

Recap Author: Erin M.

Photo Credit: TLC

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