Southern Charm Recap: I Drink Scotch And I Approve This Message

southern charm cameran shep

Y’all there’s a lot going on with the reality elite of Charleston. After last week’s episode, we were treated to a Thomas Ravenel debacle of single malt proportions on Watch What Happens Live, and then the political (once) hopeful took to social media to passive aggressively snark on co-star Cameran Eubanks while sharing his disdain for his involvement with the show. Don’t be so blue, T-Rav…you’re only two episodes in at this point! You’ve got this, buddy. 

Last night’s Southern Charm begins with Cameran moving into her new office…in her mom Bonnie’s office space. Bonnie is still as poised and beautiful as she was twenty-five years ago when my mom signed me up for Millie Lewis so I’d know which fork to use at a dinner party. You know, what twelve-year-olds desire to learn! My mother is probably looking down on me and shaking her head as I pull out the Chinette and plastic ware for my guests (when I can convince people to come over!), and I hope Bonnie never learns of my disposable faux pas. Despite the fact that her new husband is a doctor, Cameran is determined to establish her own career. Across town, newbie Landon Clements greets Shepard “Shep” Rose who is helping her move to her new home on a sailboat. Landon reminds us again that despite her refined Georgia upbringing, she’s not your typical Southern belle. Her new abode, the “Miss Adventure,” is docked at the Charleston marina. She loves her friendship with Shep because it’s easy compared to the who’s who/what club is hot tonight scene of Los Angeles.


Kathryn Dennis is Cameran’s first visitor in the new office, and Cameran gives her a(nother) gift for the beautiful Kensington Calhoun. “Aren’t you so glad she’s not an ugly baby?” Cameran gushes while revealing her fear of birthing a less-than-adorbs infant. There are some ugly babies in this world for sure, but in the South they are all “precious.” Kathryn is desperate to get back downtown. Her six months on T-Rav’s Edisto Island plantation have been six months too many, and she’s ready to jump start her return to the peninsula. Cameran suggests Mount Pleasant, known for its pricey properties and an overabundance of mothers in tennis skirts (with glittering tennis bracelets that would certainly be a weighty detriment to any USTA ranked backhand) and Lulu Lemon…regardless of whether they are actually playing tennis or taking yoga classes. Kathryn tries not to wretch at the idea of moving to Mt. P so early in her twenties, but she does admit that being downtown could present some temptations not kosher with her role as a new mom. Cameran recognizes Kathryn’s conundrum. After all, she practically went from bar star to Gymboree overnight. Kathryn isn’t ready for a Golden Retriever or her provisional year in the Junior League, so Mount Pleasant is out of the running. 

southern charm patricia

Over beers, Shep tours Landon’s boat and the two reminisce about old times. She admits that she knew her marriage was over two years ago, but it was a hard reality to face. The couple was together for seven years and lived in the lap of luxury in the Hollywood Hills. A tearful Landon reveals that she loved her husband, but he was never around. She’s worried about the potential judgment she faces as a young divorcee in the South. Meanwhile, not on a boat (this lady only does yachts…duh), Patricia Altschul is interviewing butler candidates. Of course she is. Patricia’s Life Lesson No. 147: A lady can never have too many butlers. As she recites the long and important list of duties involved in catering to her every whim, the gin martini is at the top of her demands. Her latest Jeeves wannabe is proving his mixology skills when her son Whitney Sudler-Smith arrives. The hopeful butler aces the vermouth test with flying colors and shows himself to the door. How very Mr. Belvedere of him! Chatting with Whitney, Patricia cringes at the thought of Kathryn’s hostessing skills and that {wince} second Christening.

On cue, we see Kathryn exercising her culinary muscles in Thomas’ kitchen, complete with salmon slathered in mayonnaise and a side of the nanny on asparagus duty. It’s hard for her live up to T-Rav’s expectations of domestic bliss. Thomas is willing to give her the benefit of the doubt, as they both come from old Charleston families, they have French Huguenot names…not to mention Kathryn has legs for days. Patricia blames Whitney for bringing Kathryn into the group, but Whitney argues he didn’t force his friend to get her pregnant. As Thomas awaits his Pillsbury crescent rolls, Patricia bemuses that her son’s friend will just have to “work around” his young girlfriend’s social ineptitude. If Patricia decides to hock a product a la other Bravolebrities, may I suggest sterling silver daggers with a beautiful mother-of-pearl handle? Limited edition, mind you, and available exclusively through Garden & Gun. 

southern charm kathryn kensie

Craig Conover and his brother are playing a very awkward and hands-on game of lacrosse in the park. Craig admits that the two don’t have a super close relationship, but they will always have each other’s backs. He’s happy to learn that his brother plans to take over their father’s company. It’s a relief for Craig, as he’s quite content not being a licensed attorney, sleeping till noon, and still receiving that sweet Extreme Akim money every once in a while. He admits that it’s super hard to get up in the morning when you’ve spent all night partying. He’s #blessed about the fact he didn’t have to start studying for the bar immediately after graduating from law school. Thanks, Andy Cohen! Back on Edisto, Kathryn is performing her (not yet a) wifely duties, and she’s overcome by the boredom of it all. She calls Cameran and Craig to invite them to Sermets for a big announcement courtesy of T-Rav…and the rest of the crew is included in the gossip tree thanks to a down home game of telephone. Is Thomas finally making an honest woman out of Kathryn? Whitney is overcome with the vapors by this notion (after all, he is his mother’s son), and Shep is just excited about the prospect of free food and booze. 

JD is prepping the private dining room for his friend’s giant reveal. He reminds his staff to smile, nod, and pour no matter what…even if Thomas shares plans to join the WWF. Cameran and Shep are first to arrive, and that frat-tastic scoundrel has everyone worried when he turns down booze. JK! He couldn’t even keep that going for a full two seconds. Johnny Walker Black, and stat! The trio speculates about T-Rav’s news, and a mature sounding Shep resolves to stay out of anyone’s business, even if his friend plans to turn his volatile relationship into a volatile marriage. Craig enters, having just come from an audition to become the third Blues Brother, and I can practically smell his hangover from here. Craig really isn’t drinking tonight as he’s late for a deposition in Beaufort…like a day late. He’ll get there at some point, people. Just chill already! Kathryn and Danni are the next to show up to Sermets, and Kathryn is clearly trying to dress the part of a future first lady. Unfortunately, Cameran thinks she needs to channel more Kate Middleton and less Mrs. Doubtfire. Can’t wait to hear what T-Rav has to say about that little zinger! 

southern charm trav

The man of the hour makes his entrance donning a designer suit and slicked back hair. Thomas is throwing back the Chardonnay while fretting about biffle Whitney’s absence. Newsflash…he’s rehearsing with his band. He can’t stomach the idea of his brother from another mother making yet one more dire mistake when it comes to the hillbilly femme fatale (who I’m actually starting to like this episode. I know, right?). In his stead, a woman named Jennifer makes an appearance, and Kathryn is weary of this new addition. Her name was one that popped up often on T-Rav’s phone during her pregnancy, and he always maintained her barely knew her so what’s she doing at his super exclusive dinner party/announcement fete? Cameran wonders the same thing, but Shep, wise to the ways of Charleston playboys, recognizes that Thomas probably has most of the Holy City’s pretty, rich blondes on speed dial. Surprise, surprise! She’s the ex-girlfriend of former lieutenant governor Andre Bauer. I’ll stop there before I say anything else. Small state, small state. T-Rav jokes that Jennifer spent a lot of time in his bed (that’s funny, right Kathryn?), and Kathryn urges her boyfriend to keep things in the realm of at least slightly appropriate. 

Laughing, Craig realizes that Thomas will never learn his lesson when it comes to proper dinner party conversation. Maybe he should ask Bonnie for a quick refresher! Whitney strolls in from band practice looking like a wayward uncle of the Jo Bros, and Kathryn equates his musical aspirations to that of a mid-life crisis…kind of like when some older dude finds fancy with a much younger, very leggy, lady friend. Wait, what? Whitney’s band is called Renob, which is “boner” spelled backwards. No doubt, he didn’t consult Mother Knows Best before that horrid decision. Thomas clinks his glass to announce that he is running for the state’s US Senate seat against incumbent Lindsey Graham (spoiler alert again, he loses). His dinner party guests don’t know whether to laugh out loud or just chuckle under their breath, so this news is met with a lot of weird grinning and giggle coughs. Thankfully, JD’s staff is Johnny on the Spot with its champagne pouring to distract from the awkwardness. Cameran wants to know what she can do to help, and Thomas basically turns into Cuba Gooding, Jr. with his “show my the money” retort. Shep equates giving T-Rav money to being the same thing as lighting said money on fire. I’m really liking him this season as well! Cameran feels badly for what this announcement means for Kathryn as Jennifer promises to slap a Ravenel for Senate bumper stick on her ass and begin the campaign. Not surprisingly, Thomas approves that message. 

southern charm dinner party

I hope T-Rav is taking iron supplements or else he’s going to have bruises a-plenty thanks to Kathryn kicking him under the table. Shep inquires as to whether he’d have a chance with Cameran if she wasn’t married. Her face, along with her desire for a taser in his presence, is answer enough. Taking questions from his potential future constituents, Thomas compares himself to Calvin Coolidge and relays his stance in support of gay marriage. I hate to admit that he truly sounds somewhat intelligent when talking politics. Whitney interrupts to stir the pot by asking Thomas if he plans to marry Kathryn. Things are working for them as-is, Thomas explains. X! Wrong answer! Whitney promises to assist the cause with a guerrilla approach to T-Rav’s ad campaign. Perhaps he can even send Kathryn running for the hillbillys with this plan in a two-birds-one-stone scenario. As the others clink their glasses in a toast, Whitney arches a brow and purses his fingers in his best Dr. Evil impression. Renob for the steal. 


[Photo Credit: Bravo]