Southern Charm Recap: Shepstradamus

southern charm shep

Y’all, I just can’t help myself. Like Craig Conover is addicted to VIP status and Shepard “Shep” Rose is addicted to teeth whiting, I have a serious problem when it comes to saying no to Southern Charm.  Cameran Eubanks is spot on with her assessments of things idiots and asshats, and it is fascinating to watch the drama play out between Thomas Ravenel and Kathryn Dennis on every episode knowing that we can catch the live show at any time on any given form of social media! Now, if only we could add some spice to the resident nice girl Landon Clements. Perhaps a seedy after hours encounter with Whitney Sudler-Smith? Nah, she’s far too sweet and likeable for that!

Last night’s episode returns on the heels of last week’s “to be continued” napkin-swatting, roof-raising cliffhanger. Kathryn storms out of Red Drum to Danni’s awaiting car as Thomas heads out to his Edisto plantation to relieve the nanny. The following morning, Craig is playing video games and sucking every last drop out of an Icee pop (breakfast of champions) while ignoring Cameran’s calls. Shep and Whitney are cleaning up after their wild party. Surprisingly (to me, at least), Shep isn’t afraid to get his hands dirty (although the stray boxers on the porch are a lot, even for him). Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t think Whitney would be quick to play maid…I just didn’t see either one of them lifting a finger to bring the cleanliness of the beach house back to status quo. Shep acknowledges that while he raised in a privileged manner, he still had to clean up his messes. He’s always wearing a Bert’s Market t-shirt which tells me he appreciates a 24-hour convenience store featuring any household item known to man and two crock pots…one full of chili and one full of hot dogs for the best post-Budweiser fueled beach day snack imaginable. Whitney is likely wearing something from Kanye West’s latest collection, but he’s wearing it to be ironic. 


Whitney shares T-Rav’s “Raise the Roof” campaign video, and Shep definitely thinks it’s appropriate if you want your candidate to have a child out of wedlock with a side of cocaine and time off for good behavior. While Thomas isn’t your average church-going, family values touting politician, Shep recognizes that South Carolina is a very conservative state, and not everyone’s sense of humor is going to appreciate Whitney’s artistry. Plus, isn’t it kind of disrespectful to Kathryn? Who is this Shep and what did he do with immature and thoughtless (but still adorably clueless) Shep of season one? This guy actually makes a lot of sense! Whitney reminds his roommate that the video is about Thomas and doesn’t take his hillbilly femme fatale into account. 

southern charm t-rav

JD arrives at Thomas‘ office to discuss the T-Rav’s campaign fundraiser and assures his friend that he certainly looks as tired as he feels. T-Rav figured as much given the melee going on lately in his relationship, but he can’t focus on that. He needs money for the upcoming election, and stat. Across town, a teary Kathryn is holed up in Danni’s apartment lamenting about the video vixens (her sorority sisters no less!) who act as T-Rav’s budget harem in his upcoming ad. She is so frustrated feeling she’s lost a part of herself to make this relationship work while Thomas has made little effort. Last year, she was all tequila and black-out hook-ups and spider eyelash extensions, and now? She’s perfecting her Hellman’s slathered salmon and wearing blazers for God’s sake! BLAZERS! The shame that comes with dressing more conservatively is painfully palpable. As Kathryn weeps, Danni listens sympathetically, silently patting herself on the back and thanking her lucky stars that she had the bullet-dodging forethought not to pursue Thomas for a story line. Kathryn may be young but she majored in politics, and even she knows that the public wants a candidate they can trust….not one that mocks his past. What’s next? Who let the dogs out? Danni wonders aloud who every would advise such an ill-fated political decision? Kathryn scoffs that to Whitney, it’s art. JD may not have the eye of an artist, but he knows dudes like to look at hot girls dancing in tight dresses. And who better to make decisions about our tax dollars and pressing social issues than the guy wearing driving moccasins doing the white man’s overbite in the center of said hot girls? 

southern charm kathryn dennis

Landon is adjusting to life on the Miss Adventure and catching up with her dad on the phone. She’s always been super close with her father, and she reveals that he helped her file her divorce papers. Landon jokes that while their are plenty of other marina folk living fully time on their sailboats, she’s the youngest by roughly forty years. She is eager to get back into interior design, but in a place with so much competition, she needs to reinvent herself. Landon hopes that assisting with Cooper’s fashion show will be a step in the right direction. Downtown, as the clock strikes noon, it’s time for Craig to rise from a booze induced slumber in order to get to work before quitting time. He cites an age old Charleston adage which states “You’re not an alcoholic unless your life sucks,” and his life definitely doesn’t suck. Craig also definitely made up that adage to make himself less fearful for his liver thanks to Bravo cash and groupies at Republic. He goes to visit his best friend Warren from law school who has actually taken and passed the bar. Warren chastises Craig for his late night revelry and warns him he’s about to turn three years worth of soul crushing debt into a paralegal position if he doesn’t get licensed. Warren, who is clearly big on visual aids, begins pulling out binders and notebooks and study guides and practice tests…all painstakingly tabbed and color-coded. I had to pop a Xanax and will away the hives that were attacking my body just from remembering it all. Damn you and your Barbri suitcase, Warren!

Cooper’s studio is just a jaunty beach cruiser ride from the marina, and Landon is ready to dig in her heels with his upcoming fashion show. Landon describes Cooper’s aesthetic as very Old South and majestic. Think “what Washington wore when crossing the Delaware…but camo.” Just kidding, given all the red coats in Cooper’s collection, I am betting he wishes we were still a colony. Shep arrives for his fitting, and I just had the most brilliant crossover idea. Who remembers that one-season wonder Bravo gem NYC Prep? Well, the trust fund, hair swooping, ragamuffin known as Sebastian from the show actually attends College of Charleston (I’m in the know, and when I say “I”, clearly I mean”Google”…and yes, I do spend some Sundays updating myself on the whereabouts of the cast of NYC Prep). He really, really needs to be in the fashion show, don’t you think? Shep schleps around the make-shift runway (aka, an Oriental rug) all “gee-willickers, shucks, guys” like he’s kicking a can with Opie Taylor. If he and Ramona Singer combined their runway walks, it just may be the most perfect strut ever to grace fashion week. Craig arrives toting a red solo cup (curses to you, Toby Keith!), having just raided Justin Bieber’s closet. Cooper takes one look at what Craig considers fashion and visibly dies a little inside. Craig admits that, while it may sound silly, he’s been dabbling a bit in modeling. He’s really just in it for the parties and swag. He is handsome in a douchey “rich a-hole antagonist from a 80’s John Hughes film” sort of way.

Gracious, Kensington is precious! Thomas is still playing Mr. Mom as Kathryn arrives back to the plantation after her hiatus from their relationship. She apologizes for overreacting, and he tells her he is sorry for hurting her with the ad, but you know Hollywood and art and all that jazz. Is this campaign ad going to be featured at Sundance? Kathryn recognizes that T-Rav is being pulled in a million different directions, and she wants to be the least stressful part of his life. On the peninsula, her nemesis has finally taken an interest in his fledgling restaurant. He envisions a chain bar/restaurant/lounge that is popular across the country, but first he needs to figure out which brick he likes best for the Holy City site. The space is huge, and Whitney predicts it will be the hippest spot in Charleston (we’re still waiting…). Planet Hollywood is glad that Whitney has decided to be more hands on, and he hopes he’ll help cultivate the menu, work closely with the chefs, and, you know, play host a few nights a week. A Bravolebrity greeter is sure to bring the tourists in droves. Fanny packs and scrunchies are the new scene! Whitney looks as if Planet Hollywood has spit in his face. It’s how I imagine Patricia would react if someone offered her a Zima. #vintage He’s fronting the money, he’s actually present, and now they want him to work too? 

southern charm cameran

It’s a very different scene on Hanover at Shep’s restaurant, the Palace Hotel. Cameran arrives, dismissing the eclectic decor and ready to snark on Shep’s inability to commit. As the boss man chugs a PBR, he admits to Cameran that he’s recently hooked up with a girl from outside of Cameran’s hometown of Anderson. In a twist that Shep doesn’t fully understand, the girl refuses to give up the goods until he takes her out on a few dates. What’s that all about? He’s all sweaty and anxious because he hasn’t gotten laid in a few weeks. He’s totally off his game! Cameran thinks part of his anxiety stems from his upcoming thirty-fifth birthday. Shep agrees, and they turn their conversation towards Craig and his irresponsible behavior. Akim must not be that extreme of a boss. Cameran can’t seem to get through to Craig about the importance of taking care of himself.  He seems to aspire to be the poor man’s Shep, and a Shep, by nature, can’t be poor. Shep offers to impart the wisdom he’s learned after nearly thirty-five years of foolishness. Shepstradamus indeed. 

Patricia has enlisted an acupuncturist in hopes of alleviating her tiny Pomeranian’s knee problem. At the rate Whitney’s going, these pooches may be her only grandchildren. She then decides to get stuck in the forehead in what she hopes will be a mini-face lift. The butler watches with curiosity, but when Patricia learns the no alcohol/no sex regimen that goes along with acupuncture, she decides she prefers her face lifts the old fashioned way…with a side of pain pills. Out at Bowens Island, T-Rav is meeting with campaign manager Mary as he preps for his Lowcountry boil fundraiser. Despite learning from Planet Hollywood that Whitney will be attending the fete, Kathryn is committed to being the the easiest part of this election trail. She makes awkward conversation with Thomas’ mom and tries to ignore the fact that Whitney is showing the Raise the Roof commercial to everyone at the party…which isn’t a lot of people. Shep likens the attendance to that of the second Christening.

southern charm whitney

Whitney can only turn up his nose at this party so much, so he bides his time goading Kathryn with the video. She peaces out for a cigarette while Jennifer Snowden encourages her to stick up for herself. Danni alerts Whitney that is actions aren’t on the up and up. Danni doesn’t believe that this is the proper place for a showdown, and she and Jennifer have a bit of a glaring match over whose advice Kathryn should take. One seems to want a scene, and one seems to want to spare her friend any potential embarrassment. Hmmm, which one is a better friend? Shep urges Whitney to apologize, and Kathryn confronts him about the ad. He hopes her insecurities will subside enough for her to see the humor in it, and she retorts that Whitney had better not condescend her like that. Grammar is for the sober. She just hopes Kensie never sees the ad because it would cause her a lifetime of embarrassment. More so than what she’ll see of her parents on this show? Whitney implies. When Kathryn turns on the tears, Whitney seems to be a bit remorseful. He seems to try to placate her, but she storms off in a fit of anger. Hell hath no fury like a scorned crazy bitch (Whitney’s quote, not mine). It’s Shakespeare on sweet tea vodka, y’all!


[Photo Credit: Bravo]