Someone at the Real Housewives Of New York emporium got a little too liberal with the Sex And The City DVDs this season. I’ve been missing my vintage Carrie Bradshaw as much as the next former 20-something girl of a certain millennium, but do we really need to re-live her life starring Carole Radziwill in My So-Called Reality Show? (Another gem of my generation).
While Carole is busy cosplaying Carrie, the other girls are busy being Housewives and starting high velocity fights over wrangled pretenses and loose indignations. Carole is riding bikes in heels around NYC, dating a boy who doesn’t wanna grow up, experimenting with drugs, getting munchies for KFC, losing her virginity <insert emoji here>, and rocking those Jordache jeans she saved all her babysitting money to buy. Life is good when mercury is in retrograde.
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Carole and Heather Thomson meet in the park to dish on boys of a certain beta-age and Bethenny Frankel. Adam, Carole’s is of a certain age of boyage, that being nearly 30, which understands the archaic rules of dating – the ones where you text a lady, make a plan, pluck her from her kitchen-less abode where she had no room for dinner amid the shoes in her toaster oven, feed her a “gummy bear” and then let her puke all over you in a pedicab. It’s bonding. It’s true romance! It’s … gross.
These young men, muses Carole, like these old geezers, know how to treat a lady in distress. The Elders are used to the infirm and the youngins want to play the hero to prove they’re grown-ass men. Yep, Carole got caught in the gummy bear curse of RHONY – whatever it is she ingested was divested in Adam’s lap in the back of a cab. It’s karma, or something, because she divested Adam from Luann de Lesseps‘ kitchen and Luann has been wondering what’s become of her dinner ever since. She’ll have to check things out eventually, but first she must lecture Sonja Morgan on how to be a Chic C’est la vie, c’est bon c’est bon cougar. #Priorities!
Bethenny has a birthday party, which entails another tale of the mangled guest list accompanied by a bondage catsuit that is Barbarella meets Hilary Clinton. Perfect for cougar-hunting. And the little rascals are in hot supply because both Luann and Sonja brought unexpected +1s in the form of cub scouts. I was wondered if Sonja’s date was allowed to be out past 9, but he just sat there, dark-eyed and daft, listening to Carole ramble about the days of yore when she was a fit model for Jordache. Sonja’s date’s friend (the +2) mumbled that Carole must be pronouncing Jordache incorrectly because he’s never heard of it. “Jordans are a sneaker,” he intones, “Not that I would wear sneakers, they are bad for my complexion.” At least Carole’s toddler knows what a record is, Sonja’s toddlers are so young they’ve never even owned a CD!
Bethenny invited all the women except Dorinda Medley and Kristen Taekman – even Ramona Singer. They’ve made amends because Bethenny gave Ramona a Skinnygirl blender, which she promises to promote on twitter when she grinds up Mario’s manhood and his bank account.
As the party winds down, Bethenny makes a toast to new beginnings, not to be confused with NUDE beginnings, then the ladies jump on the table to dance. Bethenny backs that ass up and drops it like it’s hot while Sonja’s infantile dates age 5 years before our eyes.
Speaking of backing up, Dorinda and her boyfriend John do not agree on the relevance of Dorinda’s daughter Hannah. Hannah doesn’t like John and accuses her mom of being a “chubby chaser.” Hey – Dorinda likes a little something extra to hold onto, but at least she doesn’t have to pick her date up at mommie’s house and get him home by curfew! Hannah lives with Dorinda but John is never allowed to spend the night and there’s a whole lot of weirdness in which Hannah won’t acknowledge John’s existence except to call him fat and let him handle her dry cleaning. Also Dorinda is constantly comparing him to her ex-husband, while insisting she loves John. Errrmmmm
Dorinda and John get dinner where he complains that Dorinda puts her daughter before him and he thinks Hannah should get her own life. Dorinda rasps at John (her voice reminds me of Fran from Monsters Inc.) about how he can’t expect her to choose him over her daughter. Then tells him to back the f–k off. She needs to dump him – he’s insecure.
At Kristen’s house her maid is cooking a nutritious meal Kristen is going to pretend she cooked, then Heather calls and asks “What’s cooking, mama?!” A lie!?
I am momentarily distracted by noticing Kristen has hideous yellow wallpaper, which recalls Aviva’s hideous yellow wallpaper. So now we have gummy bear theme and seizure-inducing yellow wallpaper scene.
Heather tells Kristen about Bethenny’s birthday party and how it was last-minute but oh whoops! Kristen wasn’t invited. Kristen looks like she wants to cry – or maybe the wallpaper was making her eye twitch – she brushes it off but she cares. SO DEEPLY. Nobody puts KiKi in a corner
except Josh – she may be pretty but she has feelings too!
Then Carole plays ping-pong with her prepubescent chef and he shows her how to make pot brownies in the EasyBake oven so his mom won’t find out. Speaking of moms, Carole is scared to tell MamaLu that she’s dating the help. The help who also happens to be Lu’s nieces’ ex-boyfriend. For some reason Carole believes Luann will have a real issue with their hanging out, even though they’re just hanging out in his room listening to Hot Child In The City on the HiFi!
Ramona is also dating… kind of. She’s getting into the restaurant business now that she’s freed from Mario’s high-maintenance demands, such as needing to speak sometimes or move a throw pillow. Ramona flirts with her business partner and announces that it’s allowed – she’s single and Mario is on Tinder with 28-year-olds who sext. Ramona and a restaurant…. hmmm.. She should just open a bar that serves only pinot, like 150 different kinds, and call it Turtle Time. Sonja can be the hostess.
Then Bethenny has dinner with Heather, Dorinda and Carole. It is a disaster. It started out OK, Doridna is early and Bethenny is on-time. They bond over loving a good discount (It’s an Alaia – and it’s 80% off), and being prompt. Then Carole and Heather arrive with the new diamond rings they purchased as Bethenny and Dorinda are scrambling to RSVP to a sample sale invite on Dorinda’s 45-year-old phone. It’s the Dinosaurs vs. the Cougars up in here. Y’all gonna make me lose my mind.
Dorinda and Carole start talking about their “late husbands” and Bethenny interjects to tell them “late husbands” doesn’t sound snazzy enough so they should put a better pr spin on the ‘deceased spouse’ moniker to be savvy widows. Then Carole shares a really sad story about the church where her husband’s ashes are resting being demolished to build time-share condos, so she has to go to London and pick them up. Bethenny interrupts to tell her she should start branding “urn” with a little more pizzaz.
Meanwhile Dorinda tells Heather about Hannah’s issues with John. It erupts into Bethenny lecturing Dorinda about how she doesn’t set appropriate boundaries with her daughter. Bethenny is the expert on everything… except self-awareness, clearly.
Oh! Oh! don’t worry – it’s gets worse. Or stupider rather. Heather decides that is the moment to tell “Beth” (they’re already on abbreviation territory after 1 talkshow appearance, one suffocatingly skinny girl brunch featuring the delusions of Sonja as a topic, and one birthday party where Heather was effectively given permission to attend as Carole’s +1, not that Heather is aware of that … YET!) Kristen is hurt she wasn’t invited to Bethenny’s birthday party. Bethenny starts snoring. She tells herself to “Go the f–k to sleep!” and she does, she starts snoring and says are we done? I’m so bored. Wake me up when this is over? Who is Kristen? I don’t even know this person and I don’t want her careening around my party being Pretttteeeeeee!
Apparently Bethenny knows Josh, but has never met Kristen. Poor Kristen – the pretty little shadow that just fades into the white, white wall of the J. Crew outlet near you (I like Kristen, I do, I find her a little vague but I really sympathized with her Josh mess last season).
Heather is shocked. Bethenny explains she really just invited people last minute – even Carole. And somehow Bethenny tells Heather that she was actually Carole’s +1 and not effectively invited in her own right. “I’m not trying to sugarcoat it,” Bethenny announces. Oh no, Bethenny doesn’t sugarcoat anything unless she can shove it in a Skinnygirl box!
Heather wanted Bethenny to have empathy for Kristen’s hurt feelings, but now Bethenny doesn’t even have empathy for Heather’s hurt feelings and Heather is right in front of her. Instead Bethenny decides Heather’s new nickname is +2 (P2 to be specific) because the jewish rapper urban mama is downgraded. Heather upgrades Bethenny not syllabic-ally but descriptively to “Bitch” and Carole is shocked anyone could be this rude and unfeeling. Carole calls Adam to pick her up on his Razor and they scoot off into the moonlight hoping they make it home in time before sunset.
Bethenny acting like she has no idea Kristen exists is weird, BUT – BUT – I don’t think it’s rude to not invite someone you do not know to your birthday party. Although Bethenny did marry someone she did not know on a television show, so what do I know about reality.
TELL US – SHOULD BETHENNY HAVE INVITED KRISTEN? WHAT DO YOU THINK OF CAROLE’S RELATIONSHIP?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]