So, it took me the entire second season of Southern Charm to realize that every episode begins with the Charmers waking up at their respective residences across the Lowcountry. Nice touch, Bravo! Last night’s finale begins the same way, but this time Craig Conover is bright-eyed and bushy tailed as he calls Cameran Eubanks and Shepard “Shep” Rose to tease them about their drunken antics the night before at Thomas Ravenel’s post-campaign party. Shep can’t remember his jovial speech (it’s hilarious), but he does recall Kathryn Dennis’ crazy behavior. Craig concedes that maybe he should just work on himself instead of trying to help new friends on the path to normalcy. It may be Craig’s most intelligent statement all season!
Across the peninsula, at Patricia Altshul’s mansion, she’s enlisted famed designer Mario Buatta to help her rejuvenate her parlor. Together, their projects have donned the pages of multiple Architectural Digests, and she trusts him to marry her decor visions of antiques, classic fabrics and textures, and mini collections of expensive limoges. Whitney Sudler-Smith arrives, and Mario teases him about his tight fitting pants (is that scotch tape or a zipper?), citing they look like a cheap hotel. A cheap hotel typically doesn’t have a ballroom. I am dying. Mrs. Pat defends her son, saying his trousers are undoubtedly expensive, but Mario’s humor isn’t lost on me. Whitney’s jeans don’t have room for his balls. Score one for Mario! An unfazed Whitney, relays Kathryn’s meltdown from the party as Mrs. Pat explains the backstory to Mario. For this former teacher, P. E. no longer stands for physical education.
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Thomas is visiting with J.D. and they have planned their sockless loafers, navy blazer, and jeans combo accordingly. The two old friends drink bourbon and admire the moon which is “one nipple hair shy” of being full (the same terms I used when teaching lunar waxing and waning cycles to my former first graders). J.D. tells Thomas that he hasn’t been himself of late, and he worries that his friend’s new “me-me-me” attitude aided in costing him the election. People are used to T-Rav being a selfless, helpful problem solver, but that hasn’t been his M.O. of late. Thomas admits that he’s overwhelmed with his relationship status, and he recalls a happier time before he met Kathryn when he had such high hopes for the future. Sure, he was single, but the idea of a wife and family were at the forefront of his mind, granted it was a abstract desire at best. J.D. teases that of course that was the highest point in Thomas’ personal life–he’d just been released from prison for goodness sake! This is a glimpse at the T-Rav that makes me feel badly for his journey. He seems lost and hopeless, but cites his love for Kensington and Kathryn’s physicality as some positive points in his life. Thomas gets extra points from me for nailing that Steel Magnolias quote. Perhaps he should stick with ’89 chick flicks as opposed to The Glass Menagerie. J.D. promises to be supportive of his friend, his daughter, and any upcoming drama with Kathryn. J.D. has totally won me over this season!
Landon Clements’ pop-up store is becoming a reality. Cameran helped her find the perfect house, and now Shep is helping her stage it. He totally adores her, but she’s definitely keeping him in the friend zone. Bravo dubs in some lines about Kathryn’s bird-flipping from the previous evening, and Landon, once Kathryn’s biggest (dare I say, only?) supporter, is appalled at how she was treated. She doesn’t do girl drama, which is why she’s dreading her mother’s arrival to assist with her latest endeavor. They haven’t seen each other since Landon’s return to Charleston. Meanwhile, Patricia is hosting her dear friend Bill and his husband Bryan who have been rubbing elbows with (gasp!) Democrats! No need to whisper that ugly word, as Pat knows a few Dems hiding in the shadows of the Holy City. Gay is fine, but left is not, these handsome Manhattan movers and shakers fear. I tell y’all, we don’t give Pat enough credit for being as progressive as I know she is! Mr. Belvedere refreshes their cocktails as the trio discusses an upcoming fundraiser they’re planning for the Wounded Warrior Project. Amazing cause and amazing caftan, Pat. I adore you.
Even though T-Rav broke up with her on Facebook, Kathryn is continuing her domestic life lessons with a local lady whose business is built on teaching hosting/cooking/homemaker skills. It’s a Charleston niche for sure! As Kathryn mutilates a parsnip, she reveals to her tutor the uncertainties of her union with T-Rav. When she got pregnant, Thomas promised her a house and a car and stability, and she’s not going to let him break those promises, no matter how hard that notorious promise-breaker tries. Kathryn isn’t one to throw in the towel over a drunken status update. No ma’am. I’m still digging her bangs…and her determination. The domestic goddess for hire imparts her wisdom. Being a grown-up is hard, and Kathryn needs to focus on being a successful single mom. Has she gotten a job? Is she prepared to go it alone? Um, excuse me? Kathryn wonders why this woman wasn’t privy to her talking head interview where she discussed all of Thomas’ promises and how she planned to make it work at any cost.
Speaking of domestic bliss, Cameran has it down pat, folding laundry and microwaving Hungry Jacks for her husband. Her best friend Leva arrives with beautiful flowers for “wife Cameran” and gas station rations for “old Cameran.” Cameran details that she and Leva lived together when Cameran first relocated to Charleston after a bad break-up and their pantry habits were as different as white bread and quinoa or Vienna sausages (that juice is so tasty!) and organic cage-free eggs. The girls dish about Cameran’s search for a dog to satiate her husband’s desire for a child. Cameran can’t find anything redeeming about pregnancy, and she lacks child-bearing hips. In fact, she’s been told she’s textbook C-section candidate. Watching Kathryn and T-Rav’s baby drama only reaffirms notion that she isn’t ready to be a mom. Bring on the pooch!
At her pop-up shop, Landon is anxiously awaiting her mother’s arrival. Her mom compliments the space but admonishes her daughter for not checking the weather for her grand opening. What can I do about the weather, Landon retorts. The girl makes a valid point. Landon equates their mother-daughter situation to being civil, but not friendly, which is sad to me. She treats her mom to a tour of the home before retiring to the veranda for wine and cheese. Her mother explains that a pop-up shop reminds her of childhood pop-up books…it’s there and then it’s gone. Um, yes. That is exactly the concept. Landon counters that yes, a pop-up is a test run to see if future similar endeavors would fare well. Her mother is concerned for her daughter’s long term goals, and reminds Landon that her divorce was very hard on her. Landon is appalled–hard on her mom? What about her? Landon’s mom asserts that in her day, women powered through the hard times in a marriage. Landon breaks down in tears, and her mother acquiesces that while she may not have made the same decisions as her daughter, she’s proud of the woman Landon is becoming. It’s a start, and hugs abound.
It’s the day of Patricia’s Wounded Warrior event, and Whitney’s band is setting up to perform. Kelsea Ballerini is headlining (Taylor Swift loves this up-and-comer, therefore, so do I…mark my words, Shep will hit on her) before the bachelor auction featuring an excited Craig. Patricia preps for the evening with a dressing drink as Craig showers outside at Shep’s beach house. So basically they are getting ready as completely opposite as two people can. Shep and Craig are a bit competitive as far as how much each will garner at the auction. Shep rails on Craig’s red pants and slippers, while Craig admonishes Shep for raiding George Bush’s closet. Neither look as dapper as Cooper Ray (also in red pants) who is greeting his friends on the deck of the Yorktown. None of the Charmers have been in touch with Kathryn since that ill-fated party at Sermets. Kelsea takes the stage, and both Craig and Shep are enamored (what did I tell you?). Craig is the first to be auctioned off, and the country singer gets into a bidding war, scoring the wayward law student for over $5000. Shep is green with envy, and I wonder where Andy Cohen is hiding. Kelsea didn’t front that money herself!
Shep is up next, and the crickets are the only ones bidding. Cameran finally takes one for the team and bids less than two grand on her friend. She thanks her understanding husband on the purchase. Shep is pissed, Craig is gloating…it’s not a good combination. The crew takes a brief (very brief!) hiatus to toast the attending servicemen with the event’s hosts before returning to their sophomoric, albeit highly entertaining, drama. Kathryn struts in as Thomas is introducing Whitney’s band, and he’s overcome by their chemistry. Patricia is appalled that Kathryn showed up uninvited, and Landon is riding those coattails thanks to the bird flown ’round the world. Craig welcomes her with open arms, but for the first time, he’s slightly bitter that she denied his advances ages ago. Kathryn approaches Thomas, and his guard is down. Whitney sneers from the stage, but it’s second to Craig and Shep’s impending fallout. Outside, Shep blames Craig’s country crooner date on the fact that he went first in the auction. If Shep had been the first bachelor, he’s be with Kelsea. Craig is just happy that they are all raising money for a good cause, but in his head, he’s planning his outfit for next year’s CMAs. When Shep comments that Kelsea “fake bought” him, Craig storms off with Danni on his heels. Cameran believes that Shep has taken their boyish competition a tad too far this time.
After watching Kathryn and T-Rav’s connection, Whitney decides it’s time to share the news of Craig and Kathryn’s Jekyll Island slumber party. Thomas doesn’t think for a second that anything nefarious (thank you, Shep, I now use that word daily) happened, but he’s still hurt by the betrayal. Meanwhile, Shep is bitching about how indignant and egotistical Craig is behaving in light of getting the highest date bid. Cameran begins to chastise Shep for his jealousy, but instead shares her worries (yet again) about Craig’s partying ways. She reminds Shep that Craig seeks attention not through professional success, but from superficial attention. Inside, Danni is trying to calm Craig who just wants his friends to be happy that he has a date with a girl who months after this episode was filmed has a single (which I love) on the radio. Cameran’s approach actually works, and Shep decides he’s been too hard on his friend.
Of course, all of this self-revelation falls by the wayside as Thomas and Kathryn flirt through their intoxication. Thomas invites her to spend the night before noting that he believes they should split custody and live apart. Gracious. Frat Boy 101 should have taught him that a conversation such as this is best saved for the morning after. Kathryn isn’t in agreement. If he’s not willing to put an engagement ring on her finger, T-Rav needs to become accustomed to seeing more of the finger Kathryn likes to give to poor Landon. Kathryn issues an “all or nothing” ultimatum before realizing that Jennifer Snowden and Whitney are across the venue whispering about their interaction. Suddenly, Kathryn recalls why she was once incredibly weary of her new friend’s relationship with T-Rav, and she starts accusing Thomas of behaving inappropriately with Jennifer. Thomas can’t win. First, Whitney is the diabolical plotter behind their break-up, and now Jennifer is their nemesis. A tired Thomas retreats, and Kathryn removes her shoes and chases him down, screaming in such a way that I now have a sore throat.
Wait, what? We’re already at the end? NOOOOOO! Craig wants to get his life in check, so he’s heading home to Delaware to focus on bar study….except he didn’t take it the first time it was offered when filming ending, he’s still in Charleston, and the next test time is the last week in July. We’ll keep you posted. I’m sorry, y’all. I had to rewind my DVR multiple times to make sure I didn’t miss anything between Kathryn chasing down T-Rav on the Yorktown and Craig heading North. That’s the end? Nothing tied up with a bow? Hell, I don’t even care about the status of Thomas and Kathryn’s relationship, as I can find that shiz on Facebook, but did Cameran adopt a dog (she’s private 😉 ), and did Shep realize that Kelsea Ballerini probably wouldn’t put out? What was that cliffhanger of a finale, Bravo??
TELL US – WHAT DID YOU THINK OF THE FINALE? WERE YOU AS BEFUDDLED BY THE ENDING AS I WAS?
[Photo Credit: Bravo]