So, it’s the second installment of Bravo’s experiment with the “real” Long Island friends of Secrets and Wives, and this time we’re going to be able to tell these dern ladies apart if it kills us! (Or maybe just me.) We start at Liza Sandler’s house where she is waking up in bed with bestie Andi Black, both of whom are in full drag queen makeup. Speaking of queens, Liza’s mother enters the room to compare hair heights with her daughter before Liza and Andi start chatting about Susan Doneson’s sideways remarks about Liza at her party the previous night. Susan basically thinks Liza is a whiner for complaining about moving out of her North Shore palace, as she doesn’t have a job, but does have a hefty divorce settlement coming her way. Liza is not happy with the smack talking, that happened at HER party, in HER yard, at her soon-to-be-surrendered McMansion!
Meanwhile Susan, the only career woman in this circle, is heading to the gym with Amy Miller for a Soul Cycle spin class. They run into Cori Goldfarb at her spa before entering the gym. The concept of “Truth + Beauty,” Cori and husband Sandy’s business, is a “one stop shop” for all your health and beauty needs. It looks like a spa with a poor-man’s gym and Chico’s costume jewelry, but what do I know? Andi joins the ladies at spin class and gets an earful from Amy about her upcoming trip to the Bahamas with her much-derided boyfriend, Arthur. Back at the front desk, Cori is needling Sandy about his “involvement” in the business, which she doesn’t really want much of. After he pretends to know what’s going on for a while, Cori shuts him down with an “I am going to stab you” threat. In the gym, Gail Greenberg shows up in dueling rat-tails and Andi immediately asks her if they can all go for a ladies’ weekend to Gail’s Hamptons home. Gail evades, then sort of nods yes while Susan interviews that Gail goes nowhere without her plastic surgeon husband, Dr. G, who Gail carries around “like one of her Birkin Hermes handbags.” Susan complains that Gail looks down on her. Why? “Because I’m a working girl?” asks Susan, with no irony.
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While Cori and Sandy deal with their business busting a leak and raining money out of their lighting system, Susan and Amy head out to lunch. Amy thinks her Bahamas trip with Arthur will be a good stepping stone in her dysfunctional relationship, but Susan (and everyone else) thinks she’s just being delusional. The delusion of that white frosted lipstick both ladies are rocking aside, Amy focuses on wanting to make her relationship work despite what literally 100% of her friends think. Back inside of Truth + Beauty, Cori and Sandy are meeting with someone official called “Alexis” who is not having this horsing around sh*t from Sandy. She is Not.Having.It. She advises Sandy to remove the “anal relaxing cream” from the shelves because it is a spoof item, but Sandy lamely argues it brings in business! (Although there are never any actual clients in said business, according to Andi. Even for anal relaxing.) “You don’t need to worry about the women in this community’s a$$holes,” instructs Alexis.
Susan and her husband Jonathan go out to dinner later to rekindle the romance by bickering back and forth about money, clothes, and why they don’t hump like rabbits anymore. They walk down memory lane, which is peppered with romantic visions of blow jobs in cars and post-prison coitus. Susan says she married for love, obviously, because Jonathan’s an ex-con – white collar, like everyone else on LI, adds Susan. Across the island, Liza, Liza’s mother, Andi, and an unnamed brunette (another brunette! woohoo!) are also out to dinner. Liza’s mom is sour about not getting much action in the bedroom these days. Conversation turns to Susan, whose comments Liza is still raw about. The ladies are all heading to the Hamptons the next day, so Liza is prepared to call Susan out on her mouth, which according to Liza, she can never keep shut.
Back at home, though, Cori and Sandy are bemoaning the sale of their Hamptons home, which had to be liquidated to fund their spa business when Sandy’s career fell apart. The Hamptons was their “happy place,” says Cori, and the loss of it has taken a toll on their marriage. #secretsandwivesproblems They are coming up on their 20th wedding anniversary, so they take their own trip down memory lane, which involved kissing each other more than once a month. Cori says her secret to a lasting marriage can be summed up as: blow jobs. (Am I really typing those words AGAIN inside of 27 minutes!? Classy.)
It’s the morning of the Hamptons trip. Liza and Andi are carrying designer bags, trash bags and shoe boxes out the door like hobos while Gail is waiting for her late husband, who arrives just in time to get b*tched out while loading the car
with Gail’s synthetic hair extensions. Andi stops for gas at – gasp! – a self-service station and Liza learns how to make the big shiny thing on the other big boxy machine pour liquid fuel into the carhole. She also successfully swipes a credit card…after the second try. This mess is just pathetic. “Who said I couldn’t get a job? Take that Susan!” says Liza.
Safely arrived at their destination, they clean up and head out to meet Cori for drinks, who’s staying not so much at the Hamptons, as the Hampton 8, with Sandy. They chat about the men they all communally humped and dumped over the years. “I haven’t been with that many guys, but they’re in our neighborhood!” complains Cori. Here comes Susan, who Liza gives the “North Shore Handshake” to: a kiss on the cheek, followed by fake compliment. Followed by stabbing? Oneself?
Back at Amy’s, she comes home in a huff from the airport. Her Bahamas flight was canceled due to…wait for it…Hurricane Arthur. “Like YOUR Hurricane Arthur?” asks her son, Max. No, the real one “in the sky,” says Amy. You know how Oprah tells us the universe whispers to us, then nudges us, then hits us in the head with a brick if we refuse to learn our lesson? Yeah. This might be one of those nudges. Or bricks. Amy feels defeated, but Max thinks maybe it’s just not meant to be. She’s not letting go of this relationship, no matter how awful it is. She basically admits she’s scared of being alone, so she’d rather be with Arthur than face the alternate reality. “I feel like I can fix this,” she flatly states.
Gail and Dr. G show up to join the ladies for dinner in the Hamptons, which Liza thinks is weird (and so do I!). He tries to escape girls’ dinner, but Gail demands that he sit and listen to the drivel these ladies are about to spew. Mac and cheese is served, but Gail is not into eating – this year. She needs to maintain that bag of bones, fried hair look to keep her man. The ladies discuss Amy and Arthur’s relationship, which they’re all concerned about, but Susan thinks Amy just needs to get a job. Perfect segue into Liza bringing up Susan’s snarking about her needing a job too. Susan repeats what Andi said about Liza needing another wealthy guy to “take care of her,” but Andi totally denies it. Susan doesn’t think being materialistic is the best foot to lead with in life, but selling that line of thought to this pack of botoxed divorcees is an effort in extreme futility. She’ll need more than a whiteboard and markers to map out different life paths available in 2015 to adult women in first world countries – beyond marrying skeezy rich dudes repeatedly.
Andi jumps to Liza’s defense, then turns on Susan for marrying an ex-con who “f’n stole money!” Cori tries to calm the group down because the ganging up on Susan is not cool. Susan, however, keeps her cool while trying to explain the un-explainable to Liza: that women can work for their own money and manage their own futures. They can also vote, yo! Dinner ends with Liza not hearing anything, so everyone gives up to go find their men. Everyone but Liza, who’s still on the hunt for Mr. Right #492.
TELL US: SHOULD SUSAN BE ADVISING LIZA ON HER FUTURE? IS AMY AND ARTHUR’S RELATIONSHIP ‘FIXABLE?’
Photo Credit: Bravo