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Reality TV Listings Secrets and Wives

On last night’s Secrets and Wives, the ladies decide to drag their sorry, hungover butts to an exercise class the morning after partying in Mantauk, where all is not going well among the delusional divorcees of Long Island. Gail Greenberg is leading the boot camp in her all new young person gear. What she’s asking this workout gear to do cannot be done, i.e. turn back the clock like 30 years. Susan Doneson shows up in black lipstick and raccoon eyes ready to feel the burn, but first she must dish to Cori Goldfarb about how she feels attacked by Liza Sandler and Andi Black at last night’s dinner. Susan has no sh*ts to give about Liza losing her house to a messy divorce. “You’re 47 years old, aren’t you bored?” she wonders about Liza. 

Back in LI, Amy Miller discovers her son Max has traffic tickets piling up, but Max brushes her off like dust, just like every other man in her life. Max also makes the executive decision to bring a new dog into her home. You know, because he’s a responsible young man who lives with his mom, doesn’t pay parking tickets, dresses like a bunny, and can’t do laundry. Amy blames Max’s distracting behavior for getting in the way of her relationship with Arthur. I blame Max for making me sigh deep, sorrowful sighs over the state of entitled 20-something manboys everywhere. (Seriously, can we not round them all up and set them adrift until they’re house trained?) Amy fears that Max will turn out just like her ex-husband, Max’s father, who…lives with his mom and can’t do laundry. So, yup. 

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Barely dragging their enormous fake boobs to and fro across the beach, the Mantauk group attempts to work out. After they clean themselves up, Cori, her husband Sandy, and Gail go out to lunch. Sandy professes his love of Cori’s appetite, while across the beach, Liza, Andi, and Susan rehash the previous night’s tussle. Susan says yes, she’s married to an ex-con, but if he can start over, anyone can. So man up, Liza. Andi jumps to Liza’s defense, but girlfriend should really jump to get Liza some SPF 101 because I have never seen such age spots on a chest before that weren’t attached to an octogenarian or Teresa Giudice

For her part, Liza has no intention of either getting a job or ceasing the b*tching about her “hard life,” no matter what Susan says. Susan does admit that she should have kept her mouth shut about Liza’s situation, so she apologizes for butting in and the ladies make up and move on. Back at Cori and Gail’s lunch, Cori complains about having had to sell their Hamptons house while Gail complains that her husband, Dr. G, has to head back to LI early to, uh, respond to a plastic surgery emergency? She feels like his second priority. The rest of the gang drops by to say their goodbyes to Susan, who’s leaving early too. 

Liza and her mother head over to friends’ Pat and Glen’s house in the Hamptons. Liza sees Pat and Glen as family, so maybe that’s why she races in to see them, leaving her poor mom in the car to fend for herself, opening the door with only the strength of her enameled nails. They all head out on Pat and Glen’s boat, and Liza discusses her house being on the market. She doesn’t want to let it go and has never been alone in her life. “I’ve always been somebody’s somebody,” she confesses, but Pat (or Glen?) encourages her to just be herself and let the past go. 

Dr. G is back at his surgery office and, in an attempt to bump herself up to Priority 1.5, Gail brings lunch in to him, whisking past the flirty receptionist who has her eye on Dr. G’s balding head next. Gail’s last marriage didn’t work because she never saw her ex, so she’s on a mission to make Dr. G remember he’s currently married to her. 

Over at Cori and Sandy’s business, Truth + Beauty, Cori is meeting with their manager, Alexis, who is fed up with Sandy overstepping his bounds. Alexis reiterates that Sandy’s role has to do with investors, not the day-to-day of the spa. Sandy blows her off, then the three of them meet with the rest of the staff to discuss business growth, of which there is none. Sandy spouts off some “Create a pattern of traffic!” mantra until Cori says she’s ready to push him into traffic, while Alexis actually starts pulling the hair back, and possibly out of her head. This is what a Hamptons home sale buys you? Anal relaxing cream, a half-shaved headed employee, and prayers for new “patterns of traffic?”

In a sad attempt to uglify Dr. G’s sexy (well Long Island sexy) receptionists, Gail has come up with an evil plan! She shall force each young wench to leave their crop tops and hot pants at home in exchange for a “beautiful blazer” of her choosing. As she proposes #blazergate to the staff, one girl nearly vomits while rolling her eyes so far back in her head, her fake lashes buckle.

Over at Liza’s soon-to-be-surrendered house, she’s pondering whether she’ll ever find a new mansion that suits her. She meets with a realtor to explore some very Mob Wives pads, but doesn’t know what she’s looking for quite yet. The “cozy” 4.4 million dollar homes she’s seeing today just aren’t doing it for her, I guess. (What was Susan saying about Liza never being satisfied!?)

In a more serious, if misguided, quest elsewhere, Cori is taking Susan and other friends along to explore the possibility of vitamin infusions as part of the launch of her new Infusion Lounge in Truth + Beauty. They visit the lab that creates these infusions Susan asks astute questions like, “Can I drink while I do this?” and “Can they infuse Botox?” While Cori regrets bringing Susan along, I regret that I haven’t adjusted the settings on my TV for this series. Because Susan is THE orangest person I’ve ever laid virtual eyes on and I’m not sure I can watch her scenes anymore unless I turn this day-glo shine down.

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 Amy visits Andi and Liza at Liza’s house to complain about her good-fer-nuthin’ son. Andi thinks all of the men in Amy’s life walk all over her, especially her boyfriend Arthur. Liza and Amy walk down memory lane, reminiscing about the fact that Liza was once engaged to Amy’s ex-husband Mark (before Amy married him). Amy wonders if Liza would have warned her about Mark back then if she’d asked her to, and Liza says yeah, she would have. But even more hand-me-down yet is the next revelation, which is that Mark proposed to Liza with the SAME ring he proposed to Amy with, the ring that she then wore as his wife. Eee-wwww!    

Back in Dr. G-Land, Gail is forcing her husband to go the gym so he can walk backwards on an elliptical machine and lift some ten pound weights. She tells him she wants “more” of him and he sort of half-promises he’ll make a mild effort. Good talk!

At a wine bar later, Andi, Liza, and Susan meet for dinner. Susan’s decided on the white lipstick with black lip-liner for the evening, which – thank god! – the ladies take issue with. She’s not shamed into rubbing it off despite me willing it to happen through my television screen. They all have a “North Shore Dinner” which, according to Susan, involves side dishes of small talk, then a main dish of gossip about every friend they know. Andi says they’re all in bad situations because the men on the North Shore all sleep around on their wives. Their enemy #1 right now, though, is Arthur, who they’re thiiiiiiis close to taking a hit out on for Amy’s sake. Conversation devolves into wanting penises of their own because these women cannot figure out how to get ahead without one.  

TELL US: DO YOU THINK LIZA NEEDS TO MOVE ON ALREADY? IS GAIL SMOTHERING HER HUSBAND IN AN EFFORT TO KEEP HIM? 

Photo Credit: Bravo 

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