Below Deck Recap: Hey Girl. This Yacht Is Hot…And So Are You.

below deck ryan gosling

“And if I had a boat, I’d go out on the ocean; And if I had a pony I’d ride him on my boat; And we could all together go out on the ocean, me upon my pony on my boat…And if I were like lightning, I wouldn’t need no sneakers, I’d come and go wherever I would please; And I’d scare ’em by the shade tree; And I’d scare ’em by the light pole; But I would not”…set fire to the mircowave in the Eros galley. We know you wouldn’t, Lyle. We know you wouldn’t. You’re all welcome for my all-time favorite song that references a boat! 

As last night’s Below Deck begins, poor Amy Johnson decides to try on the last guest’s deserted hairpiece until she remembers it was sharing underwear space with Connie Arias’ Britney. Yikes. Speaking of hair, Eddie Lucas flirtatiously comments on Raquel “Rocky” Dakota Bartlow’s straightened locks, as Captain Lee Rosbach listens on in horror. What has kind of web of crazy has his innocent, hard-working bosun found himself trapped? Captain Lee expected better of you, Eddie. Frankly, so did I. Rocky brags about her Eddie hook-up to the ceiling, and the ceiling makes a crack about her being a loose cannon….the remark goes right over Rocky’s head. (I’m so sorry, yet so proud, of that sentence.)


Kate Chastain, chef Leon Walker, and Eddie meet with the Captain on the bridge to discuss the upcoming charter. The main guests are Seth Nelson and his wife Jenny. Do I normally learn the guests’ names? No, but I’m making an exception for this Ryan Gosling look-a-like! “They’re always married,” Kate laments. Yes, sadly. Yes they are. As Lee details their plans for a white party, Kate tries to placate Leon with suggestions that show she’s supportive. Leon’s eyebrows are not amused. Kate shares the guests pictures and bios with Amy. Hot married men have hot friends joining them on yachting expeditions…and some of those hot friends are single. Amy is over the moon. Dibs! Next, Kate drops in on Rocky who has decided the laundry room is her new favorite place. Kate is impressed with the fervor with which Rocky is approaching her chores. If only she knew what Rocky was likely washing out of that pile of uniforms…

When the guests arrive, an extra “dolled up” Kate (hot guests require extra primping) gives the royal tour, as Emile Kotze defends his good looks against those of this beautiful charter. Hey girl, I love that you’re writing a blog post about my maiden voyage with Bravo. No problem, Seth. Anytime. One of the female guests sneaks away to tell Kate and Amy that her hottie patottie boyfriend has never had a real birthday cake. Kate is happy to oblige, but sad that Leon will be relying on Betty Crocker for this first. Meanwhile, Lee and Eddie are disappointed to learn that conditions will render the guests’ shark swimming bucket list excursion a no go. Lee hates having to deliver such news to a group of rich folks who aren’t accustomed to the word ‘no.’ Kate is still trying to play nice with Leon (and I do think she’s trying) by recapping the birthday cake conversation she had with the primary’s girlfriend. Leon rebuffs her, claiming he’s seen their preference sheet. I think I can say that, given past charters, just because Leon has seen the sheet doesn’t mean he’s followed it. Am I right? Lee breaks the news about shark dive, but who wants to dive with ten foot sharks when visibility is less than a foot? It’s time to bring out the jet skis and tempt them with a lobster dive. Because the guests are as nice as they are gorgeous, they aren’t deterred by the glitch.

below deck ryan gosling 1

Connie and Kate devise a plan to give them a little bit of the shark swimming experience. They will make a Jaws type head out of cardboard for Connie to wear while lobster diving. Kate grabs an unused box from the kitchen, but Leon forbids her from using said box. What an arse. Eddie is training Connie in the art of an anchor drop. She’s both excited and nervous to be helping with such a major job, but she passes with flying colors. On deck, Amy passes out Fireball shots to the guests, while in the kitchen Emile and Leon dish on porn watching binges. Connie is embarrassed by the shark jaws fashioned for her, but the guests love her great white bathing suit and dorsal fin. Amy and Eddie complain about the Leon and Kate dynamic, noting that Leon is being a total jackleg. Eddie confesses that his relationship is strained, but it’s hard to communicate with his girlfriend while he’s a bazillion miles away. He doesn’t mention that he’s been “doing laundry” with Rocky. When the guests return to the yacht, they have requested a quesadilla snack…it seems to be the norm. A napping Leon gives half-assed directions to Rocky so she can fill in for him. Lee is less than thrilled when he discovers Leon’s delegation. Rocky doesn’t get the hate…who can’t make a quesadilla? Hint, her name rhymes with Stocky. The male guests tease Emile about his game with ladies, and Kate delivers the leftover pot roast and Swiss cheese filled quesadillas. She is relieved to learn that the Fireball shots have numbed the guests’ palates. 

As the crew eats dinner, Eddie warns Connie and Emile not to get involved with the drama brewing among their crew mates. Emile feels that Kate is a negative influence on the ship, and he needs to defend his pal Leon. Emile gets dumber with every episode, doesn’t he? Kate is re-thinking the charter guests’ sex appeal given their praise for Leon’s food. Kate is having a hard time hiding her disdain for Leon (“A double puree smear–whoa!”), and she’s losing the battle to keep her cool. Leon isn’t concerned with her jabs–he’s got a few of his own–and Rocky is giddy over Leon’s hatred of the head stew. As Lee listens to Leon snark about a two hour plus wait for the main course, he knows he needs to intervene before Kate blows a fuse. The guests laud Leon’s dishes as Kate digs in on the beef cheeks. Rocky doesn’t understand Kate’s delivery, but Amy counters that Leon is intentionally pushing Kate’s buttons. Rocky and Amy are on night shift, but Amy is peeved because Rocky is flirting and dancing with guests as she slaves over the dishes. When Amy tries to impart stew courtesy, she’s getting a taste of Rocky’s insubordination. Amy gives up and goes to bed where we’re treated to a cameo by her brother Kelly. She reveals that she and Kate are getting along well despite last season, although there is a lot of tension with her crew mates. 

below deck rabbit leon amy

Eddie and Rocky rendezvous once again in the laundry room even though Eddie knows it’s a bad idea. Dear Bravo, for the love of all things Alpha Lee, please make Rocky take off her mic before boinking the bosun. Sincerely, All Those Who Are Scarred By The Moaning. On the commercial mini-scene, Kate recounts Seth Nelson’s many faces of Ryan Gosling. Hey girl, I totally respect you for standing up to a misogynist with eyebrows that are groomed better than mine. You do you. The following morning, Kate is appalled to wake up at the crack of dawn to an Eros that looks like it was scene of a frat party. I guess Rocky forgot to do her job…again. Kate questions Leon’s breakfast menu, and he responds “it’s nothing.” Of course, when Emile asks, Leon asserts that he’ll divulge his cuisine to someone who actually cares about his craft. Lee listens intently on his walkie-talkie, and he is not amused. Emile complains to Connie about Kate’s attitude, but Connie counters that Kate would love nothing more than for Rocky to be into him. At least it would keep her busy, and Kate wouldn’t have to follow after correcting mistakes. Amy also confides in Kate about Rocky’s attempts to hang with the guests, leaving her to carry the brunt of the late night work load.

below deck amy rocky

Amy once again tries to kindly confront Rocky about her behavior, but Rocky interrupts, citing she’s sick of people criticizing her. She knows what her job is supposed to be…she’s just too busy bopping Eddie to do it. Rocky breaks down in tears, sending out invitations to her epic pity party. She seeks comfort in Leon’s Kate hate who tells her not to worry about what her fellow stews think she’s doing. As one of the guests asks Leon about the dinner menu, he reveals that he’s preparing rabbit. The guest then shares a traumatic childhood story of how her mother once served up their missing pet rabbit as a meal. Amy hopes Leon will rethink the meal, but we all know that won’t happen. Did someone mention bunny boilers? Eddie, who is clearly whipped by the V, texts Rocky to see how she’s holding up under Kate’s iron fist, also known as, Kate doing her job and not tip-toeing around instability. Rocky responds that she’s alright…it’s nothing that some time with the spin cycle can’t cure. It’s a go for Eddie. Stop the madness! 

below deck fire

As Kate, Amy, and Rocky serve the main course, Rocky compliments the plating. Ryan Gosling sings the sad tale of Peter Cottontail as the poor woman who once owned a rabbit pushes the meat around on her plate. Up next? Venison with a screening of Bambi! You have to love Kate’s one-liners. Kate informs Amy that she’ll be on morning duty for the primary charter’s birthday breakfast. Not only does it give her time away from Leon, Kate will be able to monitor Rocky on the late shift. The guests request late night sustinance, but Leon is fast asleep. Rocky oozes sexual innuendos over a peanut butter covered banana as Kate’s snacks go up in flames…both in the microwave and the oven. Oops! Next week, Leon chuckles as he tells Lee about Kate’s crash and burn…while stating she was drinking as well. On the upside, Ben returns, and Rocky tries to swim for shore!


[Photo Credit: Bravo]