dont be tardy brielle slade

So, I’m going to go out on a limb here…Kim Zolciak Biermann wants oldest daughter Brielle to excel in Hollywood (attain her goals with no work, if you will), so she’s decided to make this season of Don’t Be Tardy Brielle’s swan song. Why else would the eighteen-year-old carrot expert and her beau Slade be featured so often? Three seasons from now, it’s going to be all about cursing KJ. The writing is already on the wall people!

Last night’s episode followed Kim and family as they spent the weekend at Slade’s folks’ lake house on Lake Keowee (my stomping ground when I’m home in the Upstate–and my friends with lake houses invite me for an always fun weekend on the water!). Before heading to South Carolina, Kim, who is clearly NOT sporting a new nose…not at all, Brielle and Slade meet with Kim and Kroy to discuss their plans for co-habitating in California. She can’t even make her point before Kroy is dying laughing and Kim saying she won’t fund Brielle giving away her milk for free. Maybe Slade can join her when he pops the question. Silly Kim, Brielle doesn’t drink milk! When she realizes her mother is making a sexual reference, Brielle is grossed out that Slade would want breast milk. Even worse than that statement? Kroy trying to figure out the “why buy the cow” analogy with the help of a producer.


The twins are left behind as the rest of the crew heads to the lake. Ariana and her poor friend are stuck in the back seat of Slade’s truck as Brielle threatens to pee in a bottle. No. Just no. Slade lays down the law. No one will piss in his truck, or he’ll be supremely pissed off. Nice play on words there, Slade! When the caravan arrives, Slade’s mom Toni is ready to play the hostess with the most. As Toni gives the tour, Kroy reminds Brielle that the only way she’ll be sleeping in the big room with all the other kids (and Slade) is if chef Tracey stays up there as well to chaperone. What? They brought their chef to a weekend getaway with Brielle’s boyfriend’s mother? Rude. Toni can’t even find solace in her husband’s company. He’s a super successful inventor who has escaped the Biermann brigade thanks so a business trip in China.

Solo cup in hand, Kim preens as Kroy takes his brood out on one boat as Brielle primps on another boat captained by Slade. Brielle whines about the fact that Slade won’t swim with her. KJ asks what the heck Slade is doing. Oh please, like that child doesn’t have the mouth of a sailor! That night, Kim shares her desire to get a house on Keowee (one upper!) and drops the bomb that Brielle and Slade want to move to Los Angeles together. Toni is floored–absolutely not! Her son is going to stay in college and maybe one day take over daddy’s successful business. I swear I typed that last part without cackling with laughter. When Brielle wonders what she’ll do for the next four next four years if Slade stays in Georgia, Toni says what Kim should be saying: GO TO COLLEGE! Kim brags that she’s gotten Brielle a potential internship with E! and she’d bet money that Slade tries to join her daughter on the west coast. Over Toni’s dead body, he will! 

The following day, KJ is cussing as he’s sprayed with sunscreen (there’s the kid we all know!) before everyone heads out on the water. Toni is notably absent, helping chef Tracey prep for dinner. The women shoot Fireball as Kroy careens across the lake with Slade bouncing into the air on a tube before being bucked into the lake. I’m no boating expert (I like to cruise, but I hate to drive), but Kroy seems to be a bit of a loose goose around his fellow boaters. Back at the house, Tracey wants to repay Toni’s hospitality with a psychic reading. She assures Toni that while she normally offers this service in hopes of getting into the pants of whoever she is reading, that is not the case this time. As Toni plies Tracey with Fireball, Tracey wonders if this could be love. On the boat, Kroy heads to the waterfall. Anyone who has ever been there knows that it is the most polluted place on the lake. Kroy lectures the two about their plans. Slade admits that he could do his father’s job if he moved to California, he’d actually have to do a job…not like what he does now. Kim would hate to see Brielle and Slade’s relationship ruined by distance, and she’s obviously secretly hoping he goes with her daughter to LA to “chase her dreams.” A+ parenting.

On dry land, Kim is shocked to learn that Tracey now fancies herself a psychic, but she’s joining Tracey for T-Dog’s reading. Tracey reads Toni’s palm and gets a “feeling” that Toni once dined and dashed in high school. Toni can’t believe the accuracy of this reading. Kim rolls her eyes. Who hasn’t dined and dashed at some point in their lifetime? Um, this girl…and Tracey. Tracey doesn’t need to dine and dash…she’s cooking. Slade starts a fire as Tracey recounts T-Dog’s three year relationship with a woman. Nope. Damn. Wishful thinking, Tracey! In the morning, Kim and Toni have a heart to heart about their kids’ relationship. Kim brags about her caramel macchiato addiction, and you can tell Toni is trying really hard no to hurl herself over the balcony to make a getaway. Kim jokes that Brielle is still attached to her teet, so it’s going to be hard for her to navigate LA alone. Toni gives a half laugh, reminding Kim that her son will be getting his degree and then going to work for the family business. Kim finds it unfortunate that Slade is “stuck” in Atlanta. Kim wonders what their lives would be like if Brielle was dating a douche whose family they hated. Did Toni just say she’s heard of that being a thing? Love the side-eye, T-Dog! Of course, Toni can rest easy as Brielle and Slade are no more


[Photo Credit: Bravo]


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