This week’s Famously Single is all about that low-hanging fruit. This group of Singletons isn’t just dysfunctional, but super lazy when it comes to dating. Instead of learning any useful tools on this mess of a reality show, the cast members would rather just try and hook up with whoever is still ripe for the pickin’ in the house. I don’t know how many days they have actually all been stuck together, but I suppose finding someone in the house left to hook up with is like shooting fish in a barrel. Ready, aim, fire!
Brandi Glanville and Calum Best are still dramatically working through another pointless argument about jealousies over their pseudo-relationship. In case you missed it (or in case your brain exploded from all the nonsense) last week, Brandi is upset that Calum said he would go out on a date with someone from the blind mixer, then backtracked and said he would go out with Brandi instead. She doesn’t want to be anyone’s second choice, especially not someone as lame as Calum. OK, I added that last part but you get the idea.
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The argument goes nowhere and Brandi and Calum run off to their gender-assigned sides of the house. While the women of the loft go straight for wine and soothing talk to support Brandi, the guys go into full bro-mode and let Calum stomp around, beating his chest. In his bright white sneakers.
I can’t even make sense of this argument and why it even happened in the first place so I was hoping everyone would just sleep it off and we could move on. Instead, a chardonnay-recharged Brandi goes back to talk to Calum to try and hash it out. Calum doesn’t seem to want to accept any responsibility for this nonsense and it seems more like an ego thing for Calum but whatevs, they finally shut up and make up. Go to sleep!
This impasse between Brandi and Calum is more of a job for Dr. Darcy Sterling and she sits Calum down for a one-on-one to try and get through his stupid, thick head. Calum can’t believe they are two dates in and already fighting. Umm, me neither! Just more evidence as to why being “famous” isn’t the real reason these dopes are still single.
Dr. Darcy wants Calum to understand that Brandi was hurt, not pissed, and to control his passionate temper. She says it’s a superpower to be pissed but not act on it and I’m thinking that’s less of a superpower and more of an everyday life skill that the majority of the population has. I’m pretty sure it’s called not being a spoiled a-hole. Correct me if I’m wrong.
On to that low-hanging fruit I was talking about. Now it’s poor Willis McGahee and Jessica White. Willis seems to think they have a bond but doesn’t understand why she can’t open up to anyone on the house. She seems annoyed and defensive and describes her attempt to communicate with people in the house as scary. Willis smiles his way through it but is probably wondering what this means for his odds to get laid.
Jessica goes into her one-on-one with Dr. Darcy to explain why she is a loner. She grew up in a house full of people so this reality show chaos is nothing new for her. Another big part of why Jessica is so closed off is the untimely death of her father when she was 7 years old. Her mother never really recovered and became distant. Dr. Darcy listens and blinks her smoky eyes, waiting for Jessica to connect the dots on her behavior.
The next day, Willis and Jessica canoodle some more and as it turns out, he’s not the only one who wants to make a play for Jessica – Somaya Reece is crushing hard on her as well. Somaya plays it cool and gives Jessica some compliments, likely confident in her ability to woo a lady.
Aubrey O’Day is the opposite of confident and uses unabashed aggression to keep her affair with Pauly D going. As she drapes herself across him, literally making it so he cannot escape, she starts talking about how they should take off to Vegas this weekend and get married. Pauly, and the other guys sitting there watching this crazy train headed for Desperationville, laugh nervously.
It’s time for the Singletons to go out on dates with whoever they connected with at the blind mixer. Brandi and Calum go on a double date with Aubrey and Pauly, while Somaya and Jessica go out with each other since they didn’t connect with anyone. Josh Murray and Willis have their own dates with women who are actually not living in the house as part of the show. How refreshing!
On Somaya and Jessica’s date, they seem to be getting along well and Jessica admits that she likes Willis but doesn’t see herself with him. Somaya says she’s interested in her and Jessica realizes she feels the same. Jessica decides it’s time to take it up a notch by ordering shots and then they start to make out. Somaya smoothly suggests they go home.
Poor Willis is still sitting by himself, taking selfies and waiting for his date. She finally shows up, forty-five minutes late and gives some lame excuse about this being why teachers don’t date. Was there a paper grading emergency? Willis is still smiling (because he’s always smiling) but seems annoyed.
Jessica and Somaya have some alone time back at the house and take a bubble bath together complete with candles, rose petals, and champagne. Poor Willis not only struck out on his date but now he’s missing his chance with Jessica. Oh well, I think Somaya and Jessica make a cuter couple anyway.
Back on the double date, Aubrey suddenly decides that Brandi is the only one who can understand her particular brand of desperation. She is full of compliments for Brandi and advice for Calum about how to treat her. Aubrey probably needs to focus on her own issues without getting involved in everyone else’s but clearly, self-awareness is not her strong suit.
As the double date ends and they go to leave, Brandi and Calum can’t even make it to the car without getting into another fight. I can’t even begin to understand what this one was about so I won’t even try. By the time they get back to the house, Brandi is crying again and the women run to comfort her. Brandi recognizes that she keeps making the wrong decision while Jessica and Somaya help her get changed for bed.
Calum comes in and seems to think he did nothing wrong, even though he was just yelling at Brandi in the street and in the car. So not only is he a complete a-hole when he drinks, but he also blacks out. He blames Brandi’s drinking for making her overly emotional and maintains that her reaction has nothing to do with him.
In the kitchen, Aubrey clearly can’t slow down her own crazy and keeps asking/telling Pauly, “you’re falling in love with me.” Seriously, is that a question or is she telling him? Pauly tells her to slow her roll as she repeats it over and over again. She clarifies where all this is coming from and says that he told her he was falling in love with her earlier. Now, she wants him to say it out loud, in front of the cameras. Pauly denies it and seems flustered. Regardless of whether or not the words were actually spoken, Aubrey, please, quit while you are ahead; all this desperation is not cute.
TELL US – WHO IS THE BEST MATCH – CALUM AND BRANDI, PAULY AND AUBREY, OR SOMAYA AND JESSICA?
Photo Credit: E!