90 Day Fiance Recap: You’re Gonna Miss Me When I’m Gone

“You can’t fix stupid.” No, that’s not the official slogan of 90 Day Fiance (even though it should be). It’s what Anfisa tells Jorge this week when he begs her to stay in the country after she kicks him out of their apartment and packs her bags for home. But is she bluffing? At the end of her five-week trip to Morocco, Nicole also faces a crossroads with Azan. Will he come to the U.S. on a K1 visa, or will he breathe a deep sigh of relief, waving goodbye forever to Nicole and her giant bag of bullsh*t from the airport window?

Lowo and Narkyia are also trudging down their own disillusioned path, as Narkyia actually flies to Vietnam to check out Lowo’s sketchy story for herself! Chantel and Pedro face the wrath of her parents, while Matt decides to make some very bad choices at a bachelor party before his wedding to Alla. As a reminder, this is Matt’s FOURTH marriage, thus his fourth bachelor party. You know – Danielle and Mohammed aside – TLC has really outdone themselves this season with this motley crew! If these people were not literally filmed on camera for all to see, no one would believe their level of idiocy actually exists.


In Morocco, Nicole and Azan have one day – and more importantly to Nicole, one night – left together. After her chat with a “family friend,” Nicole is having second thoughts. She wants Azan to reassure her of his exceeding love for All Things Nicole. As they sit down for their final convo, Azan brings up the fact that Nicole has no patience, and doesn’t respect his culture. She also interrupts him constantly. “I’m not Moroccan! Why do you want me to BE Moroccan?” complains Nicole. Azan doesn’t want Nicole to be Moroccan; he wants her to be mature.

“Why are you so sure you want to marry me?” fishes Nicole. “Because I love you,” Azan answers. But why does he love her? Azan says that Nicole is a nice, caring person. Satisfied for the moment, Nicole grins and buries her face into her arm (I assume Azan’s shoulder was indisposed?). Azan and Nicole swear they’ll “change” for each other. Because that’s a great plan! And just like that, two young people believe that they’ll reach a goal no other successful couple in the history of humankind has accomplished.


In LA, Anfisa and Jorge have 40 days to wed. But things are not going well – in fact, TLC production can’t even reach the couple for their scheduled shoot! When they finally do catch up with Anfisa, she confesses that she kicked Jorge out of their apartment after a fight the night before. She doesn’t even remember what the fight was about, but it was the last straw for her, nonetheless.

Jorge calls Anfisa shortly afterward, admitting that he spent the night in the garage. Anfisa doesn’t care. She didn’t want him on the couch! Garage suits him better. Anfisa complains that she’s sick of Jorge, and she wants to go home to Russia. In fact, she’s started packing her things! Oh – just one minor request: Can Jorge give her money for the plane ticket (first class, one would assume!)?


Jorge pathetically implores, what can he do to fix this situation? Anfisa’s all, “Nothing. You can’t fix stupid.” And, once again, the most vile person on this show “on paper” somehow manages to be above board – and on point – about it all. For added effect, Anfisa also threatens to toss Jorge’s sh*t out the window if he doesn’t listen! Jorge sighs that Anfisa loves drama, but he still loves her. Jorge needs a 90-day inpatient program on how to overcome codependency.

Jorge also manages to be the most pitiful excuse for a grownup ever when he finally agrees to bring the money to Anfisa for her flight home. He loves her and wants to make this trash heap of a faux relationship work! Plus, maybe she’ll let him into the apartment to fork over the cash?


In another land of depressing delusion, Narkyia reflects on her equally jacked up relationship with catfisher, Lowo, who’s in Vietnam gathering paperwork to complete his K1 visa process. Narkyia whines about her trust issues, which are amplified after Lowo postponed his arrival date in the U.S. because of this latest paperwork story. Narkyia decides she’s going to call his bluff by booking a flight to Vietnam to check out the situation for herself. She figures that taking off work without pay, buying a pricey plane ticket, and leaving her son behind are all worth it for the man she spent nine whole days with loves.


In Vietnam, Lowo wanders around sipping on a drink, pondering how he’ll squeeze more money out of Narkyia when she arrives. I kid, I kid! He’s totally transparent and forthright about his intentions. <side eye> Lowo claims he didn’t catfish Narkyia at all! Even though he’s a Nigerian Prince (yes, he truly says this) who lied to her about who he was and where he was – and who, incidentally, had several side chicks on the hook when he initially contacted Narkyia – he DID use his real photo online! So, haters, stand down.


Believe it or not, Lowo also feels like the wronged party in this whole fiasco. I mean, why can’t Narkyia just trust everything he says and does without question? “Trust issues have affected our relationship a lot,” complains Lowo, who admits in the next breath that he originally contacted Narkyia with the express intent of obtaining a green card. But now he’s in love, yo! It’s REAL! And when Narkyia comes to check up on his sorry a$$, he plans to “romance her” all over again in an effort to prove this really real realness.

In Atlanta, Chantel and Pedro are on their own mission – to win back the trust of Chantel’s parents, who they’ve been lying to for 80 days or so. They meet the parents for lunch, hoping that they’ll suddenly be on board with the marriage. With only 2-3 days before the wedding, Chantel’s parents are suspicious and pissed. They don’t trust Pedro, which is entirely Chantel’s fault for dragging him into this lie. Chantel’s dad calls her out on this lie – why did she wait so long to tell them something she’s known for over a year?

Chantel and Pedro apologize, but it may be too little, too late. Chantel’s parents want to discuss more practical matters, like a prenuptial agreement. Pedro questions why they’d need one? Having no prior knowledge of Pedro, nor Chantel’s intention to wed him, all Chantel’s parents are left with are options to protect their daughter. But Chantel thinks they are just proving how much they don’t trust her – or Pedro. Ya THINK? Pedro is understandably upset that Chantel has created a situation in which he’ll (possibly forever) be deemed untrustworthy.

Pedro, we like you, but we don’t know you,” says Chantel’s mother, Karen. If Chantel and Pedro are truly in love, then a prenup shouldn’t be an issue, she adds. Chantel knows her parents will force her to get one, even though they’re making it sound like a choice. Pedro feels maligned. Chantel’s parents feel deceived. And Chantel, who has the mentality of a 8-year old girl who wants to marry a Disney prince at her birthday party, feels pouty, She knows her parents don’t want her to get married. What she doesn’t seem to realize is that she’s got a lot of growing up to do.

In Kentucky, Matt and his merry band of judgy friends are preparing for yet another bachelor party. Because he’s totally within his rights to party it up, even though he bristles at the thought of Alla applying mascara before going out to a subdued wine bar with a female friend. He’s a keeper, this one!

With 14 days to wed, Matt claims he has “no idea what to expect” from Patrick, his friend who’s set up the bachelor party. Patrick has coordinated some “adult entertainment” for the evening, which Alla will not approve of, and which seems to be Patrick’s main point. He wants her to get lost, and this is another attempt at making that happen. Alla has already clearly stated that if Matt has strippers at his party, it will just show her “he’s not a smart person.”

So. Cue the stripper!

After Patrick and crew hate on Alla a bit (their favorite pastime), the stripper climbs aboard the party bus to shake her thang in Matt’s face. Matt knows Alla will be upset about this, but…there’s a stripper in his face! And Patrick basically berates him into getting a lap dance and not be a “pu**y!” So, he rallies. After the 3-second lap dance (unless this was an editing trick) ends, Matt shakes his head at his friends’ attempt to get him in trouble. He’s already engaged in non-Alla-approved behavior, just as Patrick planned, and the drunker he gets, will no doubt move into more dangerous territory as this sorry night rolls forward.


Speaking of sorry, Jorge slinks back to his apartment in LA, where Anfisa is waiting for him, eating grapes. GRAPES! This chick is crazy, but absolute TV gold. Jorge apologizes, but Anfisa is upset he didn’t bring flowers or “something cute” to accompany this subpar apology. Jorge tells Anfisa that they need to compromise, but she always wants it ALL her way. Um, yes, Jorge. Did she not tell you this 1,000 times thus far? Are you NEW here?!?!

Unmoved, Anfisa literally laughs in Jorge’s face, mocks him, then threatens to go home to Russia. She says he doesn’t understand how she’s feeling! She expects gifts, romance, a lifestyle! And here she sits in a rented apartment with no friends, no family, nor a $100k wedding ring on her claw! She is NOT okay with this arrangement.

Jorge thinks that “talking it out” will get things back to normal, attempting to maul Anfisa into a scary/desperate make-up hug. But she’s not playing, bro! She wants all of the things Jorge promised her, or a ride to the airport. He can pick which it will be.

In Vietnam, Lowo is preparing for Narkyia’s arrival. He’s arranged cupcakes, balloons, and furry handcuffs to woo his lady love back. These are his props, people. “She is going to be so into me!” Lowo says to himself in the mirror, assuring himself that he’ll be able to convince Narkyia of his fidelity by way of cheese factor alone.

Cut to Morocco again, where Nicole is preparing to fly back to the States. As she packs, Azan says he doesn’t want to see her go. He regrets treating Nicole badly at times, but hopes she remembers the good times they shared together. Nicole will also miss Azan’s family, who she’s grown somewhat close to during the past 5 weeks through her incessant fighting with their son.


On the way to the airport, Nicole croons that Azan will miss her more than she’ll miss him. Hmm. Jury is out on that! As she gets one last shoulder-sniff in, Nicole prepares to say goodbye to her Arabian Prince. At the airport, Azan admits that he should have treated Nicole better – the way she “deserves.” Um, I’d counter that he treated her exactly the way she deserves, and should possibly be awarded a TLC cash prize for his extreme patience during this trip from hell.

But Azan might be smelling some doubt wafting from Nicole’s pores, because he really seems to be laying it on thick now, assuring her he loves her and wants to be with her always. Nicole responds with her usual annoying request to kiss him in public, which Azan reminds her is not allowed. Thus, the more things change, the more they stay the damn same.

These two are like a record caught on a bad track. But neither of them want to jump the track right now, so perhaps Azan will come to the U.S. after all? Nicole isn’t sure. She doesn’t think Azan is sad enough. She wants tears! She wants EMOTION! She also wants PDA, and plenty of it. But Azan can’t give her that, so he might end up in Nicole’s rear view mirror forever.

“Take care, honey!” Azan calls after Nicole as she finally walks away. She thinks it might be the last time she ever sees him. And she may be right, because after she’s gone, Azan admits it will be nice to not have Nicole around to fight with anymore. He’s FREE!


Photo Credit: TLC