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90 Day Fiance recap

There are two things that frustrate me about 90 Day Fiance: 1) That it is not on every single night of the week, and 2) That the seasons are so flipping short! Because seriously, each couple in this series – past and present – could realistically anchor their very own reality show. It’s a virtual cornucopia of dysfunction up in here! TLC, listen up: We want more. Nay – We need more! Hire more cameramen, give the editors a raise, convince the government to increase the K1 visa from 90 to 400 days. Do what you have to do, people!

Last night, we did get a bit more from “Happily Ever After,” which ended its short season, then followed up with the couples on a “Tell All” reunion afterward. (As usual, we’ll be recapping the current season only – but feel free to comment on 90DF disasters past and present below!) As season four winds down, the fiances are facing reality in varying degrees. But somewhere on the scale of Jorge’s frightening masochism, to Narkyia’s deep delusion, Nicole has found her way to something even more hilarious: Self Righteousness. Yes, she is the tortured victim in her very tiny mind. Danielle 2.0 is following in Danielle 1.0’s footsteps quite nicely, eh?

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After their argument last week, which found Jorge sleeping in his own garage for the night, Anfisa has taken to her bed. Where she plans to text Jorge devil emojis all day after he leaves for work. She also does not plan on kissing him goodbye (or at all?) anymore. That clause has been hereby stricken from her contract! Jorge snickers that he loves “messing with Anfisa,” confessing he lied about going to work to cover up the fact that he’s actually ring shopping today. Question: Does Jorge also love having his electronic world shut down on him from near and far? Answer: Most definitely. (Thanks, Devar!) Because homegirl has all the passwords.

As Jorge chooses an 11k ring instead of the 100k rock Anfisa had her zombie eye on, his phone pings over and over again. When Anfisa can’t get a hold of him, she uses the “find my iPhone” feature to stalk Jorge’s sorry a$$. Even the sales rep side eyes him hard when Jorge pathetically explains why he’s beeping like a truck in reverse for 30 damn minutes. She’s like, Hope your fiance is happy with the ring! Get plenty of insurance! Because the likelihood of Anfisa flushing that 11k diamond down the crapper within ten seconds of seeing it is close to 100%.

As Nicole arrives back home in FL, her sister, mother, and daughter May greet her at the airport. Ironically, Nicole appears to be dressed more modestly in the Tampa Airport than she did for five straight weeks in Morocco. She hugs May, then rides home in silence in mom’s car. Her mother and sister have many questions, but they’ll wait until dinner to ask them. Solid plan! Because Nicole will be distracted by the enormous heap of mashed potatoes and corn laid out before her by then. She’s back in ‘Merica, ya’ll! Time to carb up.

90 Day Fiance recap

As they eat, Nicole halfheartedly responds to their inquiries. Yes, there were problems between Azan and her. Yes, they fought “a little and stuff.” (HA!) Yes, the portion sizes in Morocco were not up to her impeccable standards. Yes, she attempted to jump Azan’s bones in the public square. Nicole’s mom and sister wait for more, but Nicole can barely make eye contact with them while she whines/whispers/grunts between bites. They’ll have to work harder.

Finally, Nicole cracks, claiming that Azan told her to “shut the f–k up” sometimes. He also said “I don’t care about you.” Well, we didn’t see video footage of the first claim, but certainly did of the second. What Nicole fails to tell her family is how far she pushed Azan to the brink of insanity with her demands to be touched, kissed, praised, and “shown off” at all times. Even whilst straddling a camel.

90 Day Fiance recap

Then Nicole tells them that Azan thinks she needs to lose weight. Sis is suddenly all OH HELL NO! She takes umbrage with Azan’s techniques, telling Nicole that if her husband said something like that, it would spell the end of the relationship. Mom thinks Nicole should realize that if Azan isn’t attracted to her now, he might never be. Nicole just covers her face with her hands (like the baby she is) in response. She still thinks they can change for each other! I think she needs to focus on the real baby at the table, her daughter May, so that this sweet little girl can have a fighting chance of not turning into the same kind of incredibly self involved “adult” Nicole is.

In Vietnam, Lowo picks up a suspicious Narkyia. She doesn’t trust him because he’s a lying liar pants been dragging the K1 paperwork process out. Lowo gives Narkyia flowers, hoping to romance her back into submission. He doesn’t care if Narkyia is here to check up on him; he will kiss her back to delusion from the airport to his apartment, if need be! In a metaphor for Narkyia’s role in this relationship, Lowo literally blindfolds Narkyia. Then he presents his props: cupcakes and furry handcuffs. Narkyia hopes there’s a K1 visa in here somewhere too.

In KY, Matt has survived his bachelor party, and apparently Alla is still on board with marrying him. So, Matt’s next genius plan is to meet the horrible Patrick and his wife, Julie, out for dinner. Because Alla hasn’t been hazed enough by this giant d-bag? What the hell?! Immediately, Patrick starts in on her. He doesn’t trust Matt’s decisions, but he doesn’t trust Alla’s intentions even more. He’s “concerned” that Alla is not marrying Matt “for the right reasons.”

Patrick asks, “Why do you love Matt?” Alla calls his bluff by confessing that she’s never told Matt she loves him. That word means a lot to her, and she’s not there yet. Patrick, incensed, asks why she’s marrying Matt if she doesn’t love him? Alla doesn’t know. Oh man. Not a great answer, girl.

But Alla doesn’t necessarily want to discuss her emotions at a public dinner table. And she certainly doesn’t want to do it with Patrick, who constantly offends her. Even his wife Julie snaps, “Just shut your mouth, seriously!” She can’t believe how rude her dear hubby is. Alla wonders why Patrick even has a dog in this fight? It’s Matt’s life! If he wants to get married for the fourth time to a woman who’s not sure she loves him yet, that’s his bed. And Patrick needs to hop on out of it. Matt and Alla don’t even want this dude at their wedding if this is his attitude, which Patrick seems fine with. He leaves dinner in a huff.

Chantel and Pedro are in Atlanta suddenly freaking out about the wedding they’ve got to throw in three days. Plus, Chantel’s parents want her to get a prenup, which Pedro doesn’t like. He Facetimes with his mom back home in the Dominican Republic to discuss the issue. She, like Chantel’s parents, blame the immature couple for getting themselves in this ridiculous situation because of their lies. Chantel thinks Pedro shares too much with his mom already, but he wants her advice. And, oh boy, does she give it. Mom is NOT playing! She tells him Chantel is lucky to be with him, and he should sign nothing! “Stupid American!” she shouts, which Pedro has to sheepishly translate for Chantel. Eek!

“I cannot deal with Pedro’s mom’s negativity right now,” whines Chantel. But Pedro’s mom is adamant that it’s a bad idea. Chantel sees her dramatic reaction as a red flag. She asks Pedro: Why is a prenup a problem if they’re getting married for love, not money? Worn out, Pedro finally agrees just to sign the damn paper and be done with it. But he’s not happy.

In LA, Jorge is driving around thinking about how he’ll propose to Anfisa. With a cup over his ba**s, let’s hope! He calls Anfisa by accident (or something?), then she accuses him of “blocking” her. He’s got to call a client back though, and between her 1,000+ calls a day, it’s getting tough for him to work. He can’t make his client call right now, for example, because she continually dials him until he’s ready to throw the phone out the window. When he picks up, he screams that he’s got to make money! “I don’t care,” Anfisa says flatly. Weird. Because I thought that’s exactly what she cares about! Then she goes all “find my iPhone” on him until Jorge drives his car straight off a cliff and dies in a ball of orange flames. (Or wishes he did.)

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Back at Matt’s house, he and Alla discuss the awkward dinner with Patrick. Matt admits his friend was inappropriate, but he is concerned about Alla’s feelings for him. He explains that in “our culture,” saying “I love you” is expected in a marriage. Alla can’t say something she doesn’t feel though. Matt wonders when she’ll feel it? Which is an impossible question for anyone, but understandable for him to wonder. “I still need time,” says Alla. She sees real love as something created over time. She’s willing to get married first, and let the love develop along the way. She does like what they have though, if Matt is willing to accept her honest answer – for now. He is.

Back in Vietnam, Lowo and Narkyia are out to dinner. He’s got his panties in a wad about Narkyia’s suspicions. I mean, just because he lied all of the time at the beginning of their relationship, he’s totally keeping it one hundred these days! Narkyia’s not so sure. She wants to get an immigration lawyer to look at his paperwork issue. Lowo wants to feed her tender morsels of chicken in an effort to make her forget his super shady ways.

Lowo also doesn’t like Narkyia acting like his manager. She needs to behave more like a “Nigerian woman,” he says. But she’s not a Nigerian woman. (And let’s be real: He might not even be a Nigerian man. #InternationalCatfisher) She’s a woman whose brain seems to be slowly waking up to reality. “But you’re a WOMAN!” barks Lowo, who seems to think that should not only make her a second class citizen, but a mute one at that.

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“I told you that I got this,” instructs Lowo. He wants to be the man of the house, despite the fact that he has no house. Nor does he have any credibility. He does have furry handcuffs though! Narkyia respects Lowo’s culture, but she’s not about to “step back into the 1950s” to keep him happy. Good for her! Now, get your check and get the hell outta there, Narkyia. Before you step into some human trafficking, circa right now.

Back in Jorge’s private/public nightmare, he’s still droning on endlessly about how to please Anfisa, The Wretched. He thinks it’s just been a high pressure situation because of the 90-day deadline. Really, Jorge? Okay, we’re still here. Go ahead and keep theorizing…we’ll wait. Jorge meets up with three of his sisters, Lourdes, Dinora, and Trinidad to discuss the total garbage heap that is his relationship. Only Lourdes has met Anfisa thus far, and she’s not a fan.

After Jorge spills his tale of woe, his sisters have no sympathy. Lourdes thinks Anfisa is here with ulterior motives. What she doesn’t know is that Anfisa’s motives, though unseemly, are anything but devious. This chick has told Jorge loud and clear that she’s with him for money, not love. And he’s with her for her “beauty” <dry heave>, not her soul. As for the mess Jorge has gotten himself willingly into, “That’s what happens when you pay for somebody to spread their legs,” says Lourdes. Yup. Whether Jorge can admit his part in this sh*tshow of a marriage transaction remains to be seen, however.

Given next week’s previews, it appears Jorge doesn’t come to his senses before Anfisa has the chance to KEY HIS CAR! (Maybe he showed her that 11k ring?) I can hear Jorge’s confessional now: She’s just stressed. She’s crazy, but I love her! It’s just the pressure we’re under. Dude. This guy needs to be intervened upon before his body is found floating in the bay! #FreeJorge #5150Hold #YourFaceIsMilkCartonBound

TELL US: WILL JORGE PROPOSE TO ANFISA? IS NICOLE HAVING SECOND THOUGHTS ABOUT AZAN? SHOULD PEDRO HAVE SIGNED THE PRENUP? IS NARKYIA SEEING THE LIGHT? IS IT OKAY FOR ALLA TO MARRY MATT WITHOUT SAYING “I LOVE YOU”? 

Photo Credit: TLC

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