If you watched last week’s premiere of Vanderpump Rules Jax & Brittany Take Kentucky, you probably already have a good idea of what every episode is going to be about: humiliating City Boy Jax Taylor while simultaneously pressuring him to marry Southern Belle Brittany Cartwright. If this sort of combination falls flat for you, you’re definitely not alone. I’m not really sure where this mini-show is going, but like every other Vanderpump junkie, I’m along for the ride, even though I’m watching a show about two people who are rumored to have already broken up. What can I say, I live for a good reality TV are-they-aren’t-they-still-together-for-the-sake-of-PR love story!
We rejoin our couple at the Welcome Home Bonfire on Mamaw’s farm. Jax is desperately trying to get everyone off his tail about whether or not he’s going to make an honest woman out of Brittany, so he does what Jax does best: create a diversion through lying! He pulls Sherri and Mamaw aside to show them the ring he is having designed for Brittany and says it’s “in the works” then they will pop out some kids. Despite supposedly having watched Vanderpump Rules and knowing what kind of a lying opportunist Jax can be, Sherri is about clearly more gullible than a turkey being invited to Thanksgiving dinner because she falls for it hook, line, and sinker.
Sherri hugs Jax and marvels at the idea that Jax Taylor is going to be her son-in-law. In his talking head, Jax is quick to point out that his idea to marry Brittany is just that – an idea that he doesn’t know will actually happen. On a scale of one to ideas that Jax actually follows through with, I’m going to rate this a “chunky sweater line from season one that never happened.”
Jax leaves that conversation to join Brittany and one of her single mom friends, who has to get a ride home to her three young kids. Here Jax was thinking that Kentucky was all conservative and religious but it turns out that it’s just a bunch of people having kids! BTW, this is Jax’s grand sweeping generalization of Kentucky, not mine. When Brittany asks how his conversation went with her mom and Mamaw, he does some over the top accent, impersonating their grilling of him and his intentions. Jax has already expended all of his energy in lying to Sherri and Mamaw about his plans with Brittany, so he doesn’t even bother to lie to Brittany about the conversation and instead, says he’s had too much to drink. She lets him off the hook and they go back to doing shots with her single mom friends, who toast to “snakes and condoms, two things we don’t f**k with!” while Jax dances on the back of a flatbed.
We are only three days into this little trip and Jax wakes up looking like he got dragged behind a tractor for a few miles but no time for nursing a hangover because Mamaw needs them to do farm chores!
When they meet Mamaw by the cows, she talks about what a great time she had last night buuuuuut don’t let Mamaw’s talk of a good time fool you – she demands to know who brought the alcohol onto the farm after she specifically said it was forbidden. Jax tries his best to lie again but with no fake ring design to show off and distract Mamaw, he comes up empty handed and has to toss it over to Brittany to make something up. She goes with their predetermined excuse of her friends being the ones who brought it onto the farm and Mamaw buys it, but makes them promise it won’t happen again. Jax claims to feel a little bad about lying to Mamaw but who is he kidding? Lying is in his DNA and now it’s rubbed off on Brittany.
Later, they take a break from all the farm chores and Jax laments that he would rather shovel sh** than muddle a drink at SUR because at least the farm animals don’t complain. Brittany’s sister Tiffany joins them at the gazebo to talk and tells us about how Brittany used to be a party animal in high school. Used to be? Has she been watching Vanderpump Rules? But Jax wants to know less about Brittany as a teenager and more about Tiffany as a single mom. He asks her if it was hard having kids out of wedlock and both Tiffany and Brittany stare at him like the jerk he is for asking. Tiffany finally says yes but her family was supportive and Brittany says Tiffany’s pregnancy was her form of birth control. Well, that and the fact that her mom put her on actual birth control.
While Jax plays with Brittany’s nephews, Tiffany gets the dirt from Brittany about whether or not Jax is the one. Of course Brittany thinks Jax is the one and can’t imagine her life without him. She also thinks he would be a good dad because of how much he dotes on their dog. Seriously, guys. Later, Jax FaceTimes with Tom Schwartz and tells him how they are going to Applebees for dinner and he sees himself getting bored of the farm very quickly.
They head out with her nephews and when they arrive, Jax makes sure to order an Arnold Palmer then explain to the boys that Arnold Palmer was a famous golfer who just died. They look at him with blank stares and move on to the questions the producers clearly prepped them to say. Luke wants to know what he likes about Aunt Brittany and then tells Jax he knows he likes her feet. Clearly this kid has been watching too much Bravo. When Jax tries to change the subject to Brayden liking girls, Brayden remains uninterested in engaging with Jax on the topic probably because he’s also watched the show. Jax tries to high five him and Brayden hilariously leaves him hanging – unlike Sherri, Brayden does not give two craps that Jax is a Bravolebrity. On the ride home, Jax says being out with two kids was like staring down the barrel of his future, which is Jax-talk for “I’m never having kids.”
That was cute and all but it’s been ten whole minutes without a family member asking Jax if he’s going to marry Brittany. We can’t have that, so we move on to the next day, where Brittany and Jax head over to her Dad’s house. Don greets them by immediately telling Jax that he has to go pick frogs out of a barrel so he can record Jax’s reaction on his camera phone and laugh about it later with his frog-hunting friends.
After Jax can barely stomach holding a frog, they head inside and Don wants to talk to him man-to-man. Of course, Don, like the rest of the farm, wants to know what Jax’s intentions are with Brittany and if it’s moving forward. What you are about to see next is the true essence of Jax Taylor: pulling something so ridiculous and hurtful out of his ass, all in an effort to pass the blame onto someone other than himself.
Jax tells Don that he does want to marry Brittany, however, she seems to be losing her “Brittany spark”. What is a “Brittany spark” you ask? It’s showing signs of depression, like eating too much and sleeping too late. And obviously, Jax has been just breaking his back providing for her financially and trying to make sure she is happy but golly gee, he just can’t marry her until this whole Brittany spark issue is fixed. Thank the good lord that Don doesn’t buy any of this – he didn’t fall off the back of a turnip truck yesterday and he makes sure Jax knows it. Don says he doesn’t want Jax to lead Brittany on this whole time while making an excuse to ultimately get out of it, which is exactly what Jax is doing.
Now when is the rest of Kentucky going to catch on?
TELL US – DO YOU THINK JAX AND BRITTANY WILL EVER GET MARRIED?
Photo Credit: Bravo